As I stand waiting in the condo's lobby, I am sweating like I have just run a marathon. No, I have not done any sort of physical activity; I am waiting for Nik to pick me up. My nerves are out of control and I have roughly three minutes to get it together. I take a few deep breaths and wipe my sweaty palms on my jean shorts. Why do I have to be so nervous?

Our plan was to go to a movie together. That was friendly enough plus that meant not much talking would be necessary. I hadn't checked out any of the movie theaters in Vancouver so it was also adding to my summer experience as well.

My phone buzzes in my pocket and I jump a foot in the air. I nearly drop my phone in my slick hands and check the message.

I'm here

Just as I look up from the screen, I see a red truck pull up in front of the building. With a final deep breath, I leave the lobby and urge myself to get it together. This isn't a big deal; it's just Nik. A guy I have been alone with hundreds of times without ever being nervous.

I pull the passenger door open and step into the truck. The smell of him engulfs me, mixed with the scent of the leather interior. Cold air is blasting through the vents and I welcome it onto my nervously hot skin.

"Hey," I say cheerfully and flash him a small smile.

"Hey Haven." He grins at me and my heart thumps wildly under my ribcage. "So this is what not being friends means to you? Texting me the very next day to hang out?" His teasing causes a blush to rise in my cheeks. This behaviour is so typical of my Nik I can't help but smile.

"Give me a break," I roll my eyes. "Yesterday was a lot to handle."

"Yeah, yeah." He punches the gas pedal and his truck takes off down the street like a bullet. "I'd put your seatbelt on." He grins again but doesn't take his eyes off the road.

"Please don't tell me your one of those guys who drives like a complete maniac," I complain as I click my seat belt into place.

"Only sometimes."

I wring my hands together in my lap, a nervous habit I can't seem to kick. We fall into an uncomfortable silence and I urge myself to think of something to say. Usually I am great at holding a conversation with someone; it comes naturally to me. I subtly take a deep breath and ask the first thing I think of.

"So you work then?"

Nik chuckles and shakes his head slightly. "What?"

Dammit. I curse inwardly

"When I texted you, you said you had to work today but we could hang out after." I clarify.

"Yeah, I work." He laughs and gives me an odd look.

"What do you do for work?" He isn't getting the fact that I am trying to start a conversation.

"Just general labour stuff for one of my dad's friends."

We fall into silence again and I feel a tense frustration settle into my body. He drives, less crazy than when he peeled away from the Hutchs condo, and keeps his eyes on the road. I watch him without bothering to hide it.

His jawline is smooth today, no stubble in sight. There is a set to his wide shoulders that makes him look tense. Well good, at least we are both feeling it. The fabric of his tee shirt stretches tight around his biceps and I need to fight the urge to poke his muscular arms.

"Why are you staring at me?" He finally breaks the silence.

"Because you look weird." I blurt out.

"Thanks?"

"I mean you look different."

He laughs, and the sound of it echoes in my memories. My stomach clenches nervously as the memories prod at the back of my brain, threatening to burst forth. Even the good memories, the ones full of laughter and smiles, need to stay repressed. I can't release the happy ones without allowing the terrifying ones to come forth.

"How so?" he questions with a hint of a smirk on his face. He wants me to admit that I have noticed how good looking he is. Not that he wasn't good looking at 14 because trust me, my 14-year-old self thought he was super cute.

Nik is no longer 'super cute', he is ridiculously sexy.

Instead of answering, I give in to my previous urge and poke his bicep. My finger barely sinks into the skin; it is all hard muscle. "I wonder how you look different?" I ponder sarcastically.

"So you were just staring at my ridiculously muscular body?" He laughs and I turn beet red. I guess I sort of walked into that one.

"No." I stutter. "I mean, yes but not just that."

"Don't worry Haven, you can admit it!" he teases and squeezes my leg playfully. The contact causes intense heat to spread through my body and I go rigid in my seat. I try to maintain a calm face, but it's impossible. Nik notices the change in me immediately.

"Sorry, I was just kidding around." He apologizes and puts his hands firmly back on the steering wheel.

"I'm fine." My voice contradicts my words and comes out as a squeak. Luckily, we pull into the movie theater parking lot in that moment and I am gifted a moment to recompose myself as Nik searches for an empty parking spot.

How easy it is to fall back into old ways. The two of us teasing each other used to be a common occurrence. Sometimes it was good natured, and other times it wasn't. Nik squeezing my leg was a reassurance that his teasing was meant to be fun.

"Ready?" he asks me as he pulls the key out of the ignition

"For what?" I snap out of my thoughts.

"To go see the movie Haven."

It turns out going to a movie was an awful idea. There was an awkward encounter while getting our tickets. I expected to pay for my own but then he offered to pay and I looked at him like a deer caught in the headlights and we just stared at each other in confusion for a minute. Finally, the guy waiting in line behind us offered to pay for both of our tickets if we would just hurry the hell up. We each bought our own tickets.

The seats were way too close together and there was no way to not have physical contact with the person next to you. A brush of arms there, the bump of an elbow here. It was constant. With each contact came the ridiculous fire spreading through my body. By the end of the movie, my muscles were sore from how tensely I was holding my body, trying to control every minute movement.

And then there was the movie itself. Mind numbingly boring, which only made me focus even more intently on how completely awful the whole situation was. Now as he pulls up in front of the Hutchs condo to drop me off, I feel like I should apologize for even texting him in the first place.

"Well, that was... interesting." Nik sighs and I can't tell if he is trying to make a joke or not.

"I don't think it's a good idea for us to hang out Nik." The words tumble out of my mouth before I think them through.

"This again?" his grip on the steering wheel tightens and I notice a muscle flex in his jaw.

"You can't tell me that this evening has been pleasant for you. This," I gesture between the two of us, "is awkward as hell."

"If there is any awkwardness, it's coming from you Haven. I am fine with hanging out with you. I want to hang out with you because I have missed you." His voice trails off as if it embarrasses him to admit it but the way he is looking at me, his eyes boring into mine as if he is speaking directly to my soul, he can't possibly be embarrassed. My heartbeat quickens and my mind attempts to formulate a response but all I manage to say is,

"Missed me?"

I understand how he could miss me, because I had missed him too. What I don't understand is why? Why did he miss somebody who put him through hell? Who used him to make another boy jealous and played mind games with him all the time? I feel like he has tried too hard to forget the past, and it is causing him to make stupid decisions when it comes to me. He shouldn't want to be around me and I need to remind him why.

I reach out a trembling hand and take one of his hands in mine. The fire from our contact isn't noticeable to me now because my body is already on fire with nervous energy. He looks at me confused and I give him a sad smile as I turn his hand palm up to expose the vulnerable skin on his wrist. Without looking down, I run my fingers over the ridges of the scars etched into his skin. A physical reminder of all the pain I had caused him.

Our eyes remain locked on each other and I watch as his expression changes from confusion to surprise and then to a hard icy stare.

"How could you miss somebody who drove you to do this to yourself?" I let go of his hand and settle back in my seat, waiting for a response. He continues to stare at me. I know I have pissed him off, but he needs to remember. "How could you miss somebody who used you as she pleased and would treat you like garbage when you were an inconvenience to her?"

"Because I loved you, Haven." His statement is bold, there is no waver in his voice nor does it show any hint of insincerity. "I loved you so much I let you walk all over me but guess what? I am not that guy anymore."

I cringe away from him as his voice rises in anger.

"It's been five years, if you think I am still the guy who would let a girl steal his bank card and treat her friends to a movie without batting an eye, you are wrong." I cringe at the memory. Why was I so stupid and immature? "I have changed a lot in five years," Nik continues, "haven't you?"

"Of course I have." I choke out, "After everything that happened with you, after you were just gone I realized how awful I was to you. You have no idea how much I have changed."

"Then why do you think we shouldn't be friends?"

"I don't want the past to repeat itself Nik!" I shout at him. "Because as much as I know I have changed I look at you and I miss the feeling you used to give me. That feeling of knowing that no matter what I do to this person, they will love me. I'm trying to protect you from me."

"If you don't want the past to repeat itself, then just don't be a manipulative bitch Haven!"

I stare at him in shock. Every inch of me knows I was a manipulative bitch in the past. But hearing him say it out loud hurts. Tears form in my eyes and I know it's time for me to go. I just catch his expression change from angry to apologetic as I turn to grab the door handle. 

I don't look at him as I say, "The girl you knew five years ago is dead Nik and I'm scared that being around you is going to bring her back to life." Then I hop down from the truck and slam the door behind me.