My hands are sweaty despite the wind that blows from the open glass doors that lead to Claire's patio. My fingers itch but I fight the urge to scratch them by leaving them where they lie on my skirt. I only realize that my teeth are digging into my bottom lip when her soft voice cuts through the air.

"How are you today, Evie?"

"Fi- " I catch myself before I can complete the word. It is going to be a lie for one thing. For another, I'm supposed to open up and not hold anything back. After all, that's what therapy sessions are for. To spill out your problems to someone who probably doesn't care and only listens because it's their job.

But for some reason, the warmth in the electric blue eyes of Claire Willows tells me she truly does care. Or maybe it's just the desperation I have that let's me believe that she actually wants to hear me out.

"I'm not as good as I wish to be," I say instead. It's a perfect answer. No lie there.

She pushes her horn-rimmed glasses up the bridge of her nose and nods, making her hair which is piled up in a makeshift bun bounce with the movement. She picks up a notebook from the coffee table next to her and writes something down with a shaky hand.

"Sorry, I'm kinda new to this whole thing. You're my first real client and I'm a bit nervous about it." She lifts her head. "If you don't mind, I'll be taking notes to keep things fresh in my memory. Oh, and feel free to interrupt me at any time or steer the conversation to wherever you need it to go."

I nod and a lopsided smile crawls up my face for two reasons. First, she had called me her client. Not her patient which would have no doubt gotten a bad reaction from me. The word leaves a daunting image in my head whenever any doctor calls me that, and in this scenario where I'm coming with problems related to my mental health, I can't handle being called a patient. Second, Claire admitting to me that she is also nervous makes me feel somewhat... better. It's not by much, but it's enough to soothe me.

"I hope I'm a good client then," I say.

"You are. You answered my first question with honesty." She smiles too, revealing perfectly straight teeth that gleam in the light that bounces off the dusty blue walls of the airy space.

She flips to a page of her notebook where several flashcards are placed and shuffles through them till she finds what she's looking for. Her intelligent eyes blink behind the glasses and she looks up at me again.

"What brings you here today? Have you ever had any sort of counselling before?"

"My boyfriend suggested I come here," I provide, looking down at my hands. "And no. This is my first time."

"And what do you think is the reason that he did?"

"I've been having these recurrent nightmares about my ex." There. Simple and straight to the point.

"Mind telling me how long it's been happening?"

"Almost a year now."

"Do you have a clear idea of why you've been dreaming about your ex, Evie? It's good you've identified the problem... great even, but can you single out the cause too?"

I don't hesitate to say yes.

She waits, looking at me with eyes that seem to be a mirror into things I'll never experience in my lifetime. Claire is young, probably a couple of years older than me. But she has some sort of aura about her, like she's lived before and still remembers her past life-- even if she's a bit jittery. The ocean blue of her eyes seem far more aged with wisdom from thousands of years ago. Maybe she had been a monk back then.

As I sigh, I remember the reason I was reluctant to come here. Even though I had agreed to seek help-- a little more readily given the circumstances-- I hadn't really thought over a potent issue till this morning: If I come, I'll have to talk. In order to reach a solution, I'll have to voice out what's bothering me. It's a necessity in my quest to be free from the invisible ties that bind me.

"If you don't want to talk about it now we can skip to- "

"It's fine. I want to talk about it." I just need to find the courage to tell a total stranger about a secret I've been sealing up for a long time.

My throat feels dry again-- just like any other time I have to talk about Matteo after his death. It's as if the very thought of letting the skeleton out of the closet drains me, making me as dry as the bones I've so long preserved. From my bag, I take out my hydroflask and drink deeply. It helps so much, and I feel rejuvenated.

"He's dead," I start, closing my bag after placing the bottle back inside. "And I had seen him a couple of minutes before he had died. And I think I'm emotionally traumatized because he had told me he wasn't well and I never actually thought he'd go to the extent to committing suicide because of that."

The notebook comes up and the pen goes down. "And how does it make you feel?"

"Depressed. Hopeless. Anxious. Stagnated. Mostly, other emotions like these."

"And what makes the problem better?"

Before taking a second to think about my answer, I blurt out, "Logan."

"I assume he's the boyfriend? Same one that booked your appointment?" she asks.

"Yeah. That's him."

"He's very pleasant and it seems he cares a great deal about you, Evie."

"Very much," I agree before I change the directions of the conversation. "Reading also helps. And so does writing."

More scribbling in the notebook. A smile. "That's good, Evie. What genres do you read? What do you write about?"

"Mostly historical fiction, but occasionally, I read adventure and non-fiction books like memoirs. And as for writing, I have a column in a magazine."

Claire beams at that and I end up bonding with her over All the Light We Cannot See and Things Fall Apart and The Book Thief. Claire also asks about the magazine I work for and promises to read all the articles I've written. I believe her.

"So, the session is almost over and I have just two more questions for you. I'm so sorry I got carried away and went off-topic."

I'm surprised that forty minutes of our forty-five minute session have already passed. In fact, I had come with the notion that time would stop when I had to speak, just like whenever a teacher called upon me in every single one of the classes I've ever taken.

With an earnest smile, I tell Claire, "Don't worry about it."

She nods shyly, a small blush creeping into her cheeks. I'm certain her going off track was a normal phenomenon during her training. Nonetheless, it makes her interesting.

"Did you find this counselling session helpful?"

"More than I expected. I feel lighter already and it's nice to have someone listen."

"Okay, last one. If you could wave a magic wand, what positive changes would you make happen in your life," she asks quizzically. "How would you like to improve your life to be more satisfied and happy?"

The five minutes are up before I can provide an answer to the question. I have never thought of such a thing before, and so it cramps me in a space of uncertainty. Definitely, I would have made sure Matteo never died. Yet, it was through the sulking caused by that same death that I had met Logan. Thinking it through, I'll give up everything just to have Logan stay in my life, so, my best choice is to get rid of the dreams.

Matteo will still be dead if I choose that. Although, he had made his own choice by smoking in the first place. And he had made his second, by choosing to die instead of facing his demons. I want just one wish. Only one and nothing more: That I'll be free from all the lies. That Matteo Sanders had never told me about his disease. That I never become a witness to his suicide. In this way, I'll be ignorant like everyone else. I'll only know his end as a disappearance and nothing more.

But I can't help but think... wouldn't that be selfish?

~~

This book ends in about 2 to 3 chapters and I wanna thank you guys who have stuck by it so far!♡

To the silent readers who only lurk in the shadows, it'll be nice to know you actually appreciate or enjoy the book. Don't be shy, drop a vote or a comment so I know :)♡

Thoughts on this chapter ~>

By the way, what do you think of the new cover?

Self-promo: If you don't mind reading an LGBTQ-themed book(bxb) do check out mine-- Straight as They Come, Kinda. It features diverse characters and I trust you'll enjoy it ;)

Dedication: This part is dedicated to a_raoof05 and sky_is_limit I love you guys so much!❤❤