Do not allow yourself to be blinded by fear and anger. Everything is only as it is.

~Yuki Urishibara

Devansh

"Where were you? It's time for the exam." Aarthav came running to me as I walked into the class room.

I was busy killing my self, I was busy hurting the only person I loved so far.

"I am not doing this interview, I don't want to." I said to him but everything in my mouth had a bitter taste.

All I could see was her tears, why does it hurt me so much? I don't want to feel her pain but I do.

I hate these people trying to get me into situations that I am not ready to face, I didn't wanna talk to her but I got threatened and forced to do so by Karthik. I didn't wanna see her today, but Reyansh took me there to face her.

People pushing me into uncomfortable situations makes me angry and looking at her smiling made me feel like a loser. I was in pain and she was smiling there, it felt like someone rubbed salt on my wounds.

I was beyond furious, I was raging like bull and I took it out on her.

But why doesn't this confrontation make me feel light? Shouldn't you feel good after it? Shouldn't closure make you feel better?

But I don't, I feel like I've been crushed twice.

"Are you still thinking about her?" Aarthav asked shaking me.

I can never stop thinking about her, every single second here makes me feel like I am in my prison.

"It sucks, realizing that everything you believed in is utter bull shit. I loved her with every cell of my body, but now I feel like I've been broken into a million pieces. Everything was a lie Aarthav and she played with my heart..." I let out the tears that I've been holding for so long.

I told him everything after I came back, I needed someone to understand my pain and anger, I needed a shoulder to cry on.

"It's okay Dev, Some people love each other but are not meant to be together. Ignore it and concentrate on your future." He said consoling me.

I can't imagine a future without her, All my dreams I built till now were with her.

She loves Karthik not me, her family is planning a life with him not me, she didn't even trust me enough to tell the truth. Why did you do this Janu? Why do you keep hurting me?

Your pain, your tears are haunting me. I wish you could be mine forever.

Everyone started mumbling and walked to the windows of the class, we could hear the helicopter fan swing through the school.

"What's happening?"Aarthav asked Charan.

"Someone or something is getting airlifted, must be important." Charan shrugged before I could inquire some more our teacher came in and started the class to help everyone train before the interview.

I sat there in that dreading class with her face on my mind and replaying all my actions.

I was mad at myself when I saw her today, because that first thought was to pull her into my arms and beg her to love me more. But, all the scenes from the hospital flashed before me making me wanna leave.

She makes me weak, she makes my heart break.

I pushed her, Did she get hurt by that? She looked so weak, lost a lot of weight. Is her family feeding her? She was continuously crying and it hurt me to see that too. I was waiting for her to be mine from day 1 and my dream didn't even last for a few years, those beautiful years.

Her smile, but today that seemed weak too, was she even smiling when I reached there? I wish she told me who she was? I wish she loved me more than Karthik.

I wanted her to love me, adore me and only me. I never spent a day without talking to her in the last 2 years, because it was just no good.

But now, I shut her down from my life, It broke me when I had to cut her calls. I had to remind myself continuously that she doesn't love me, and I was just a play thing for her.

Why does love hurt? Why does it have to be so complicated? Why can't she love me like I love her?

"Good luck with the test guys, I hope you all get in." She said as the bell rang and everyone started to move around in panic.

I walked out of the class with Aarthav, but someone dragged me into an adjacent empty class room.

"Where is she? What did you do to her?" Manjula yelled at me seething in anger.

"How would I know? Ask Reyansh or Karthik." I replied to her sarcastically and she glared at me.

"I would if I could reach them, I swear to god if anything happens to her you will be dead in my hands." Manjula screamed trying to choke me, but was pulled back by Nidhi, Kajal and Aarthav.

God! she looked furious.

"What's wrong with you? Why are you behind her every single time? Why do keep supporting her when she betrayed my friend?" Aarthav questioned her pulling back.

"Some thing is definitely wrong with you for being with him, when he has been nothing but a jerk to her form the last month." She jumped at him too.

"I could hear her heart breaking because of Devansh and you say it's her mistake. Did you even see her face today?" Kajal supported her friend.

What about me? How should I feel when I was broken beyond imagination by her? How about what I felt when I heard that she loves Karthik ?

Do they even know the real truth? Would they feel the same if they knew it?

"Oh Shut up! It was all an act like she did the last 3 years." Aarthav said and for the first time those words hurt and angered me at the same time.

"One more word about her and I am gonna kill you Aarthav." Nidhi blackmailed him.

She still has people fighting for her, how lucky is she for her to have friends like this?

"Are you sure she is your friend? Do you even know that real truth about her? She is not worth fighting over, so please leave." Aarthav asked them looking at my pained face.

"How can you talk like that?  Who are you to decide if she is worth it or not? She is my best friend and we don't care about the truth." Manjula questioned him back but Aarthav was crestfallen at her actions.

Was he hurt by Manjula's words?

"She cheated on him with Karthik, she lied about her own identity, she lied about her parents. Was anything real in her relationship?" Aarthav backed me up but they all didn't look shocked there was more of anger at me.

"Cheating with Karthik? What are you talking about?" Nidhi asked me in a confused tone.

So I explained to them what I overheard and in return Manjula punched me in the ribs making me yelp in pain.

"They talked and you believed it, Karthik got an alliance, he didn't want to marry and asked Janu for help." Nidhi said and I felt like someone punched me.

"I wrote the script that Janu said to her, it was supposed to break Karthik's alliance not you guys." Kajal continues in a regretful voice.

"She loves Karthik and Karthik loves her. They are like brother and sister. And She had to lie about her parents, if she had the chance she would never do that. It's just not her truth, it her parents job and life as well." Nidhi said leaving me baffled at this.

Their every word was like a stab in my body, and I was being continuously stabbed with this new information.

"What happened to you? I remember this sweet guy who was always there for Janu, you made her happy, you were always there when she was in pain, she used to call you her pain sensor..." Kajal said chuckling in tears while her friends nodded, making me remember the time she actually told me that.

"I told Randhir, that he should learn a thing or two from you. How could you've fallen so low?" She questioned me again.

All I sense is disappointment, in myself, in my love. Why didn't I trust her enough? The things she did for me, how she came back

I was high on anger and fear, the fear that I would lost her and anger that she lied to me. They overpowered my body and I ruined it.

"When we were happily playing with our friends at the age of 7, she was locked in a house without any freedom. She was stabbed and shot and they made her watch her mother being beaten to death. Can you imagine seeing that? Even with all the bad things happened to her she never lost hope for life, she smiled heart fully after all the pain she went through. But today when I saw her, I was scared, it was like she lost everything....And you are the reason for it, She is the best person anyone could ever get and you pushed her away." Manju said and I saw a tears in her eyes.

Suddenly all the memories of her rushed into my mind, how she cried for her Mama at the cricket game, temple? How she was scared to be in crowds?

How could I hurt the only girl that meant the world to me?

What kind of a sick fucktard was I?

I was so blind in rage of her being with Karthik that I forgot all the pain she went through.

"And you Aarthav, Do you think there would be a relationship between you and me without Janu? Let me tell you the answer, NO. She literally begged me to give you a chance and now you are taking a quip at her. If you insult my friend one more time and I will make sure to chop your head off ." She threatened, started walking away and she paused at the door with a scary look on her face and said.

"If I know that she has been hurt physically and you are the reason for it, I don't know what I will do to you both."

I immediately ran to the place where I left her hoping to find her waiting for me again. Hoping that she would forgive me for hurting her.

As soon as I reached the place, it was empty and cold making me shiver in agony.

"Did you see a girl here? She was wearing a green Kurta with black pants." I questioned the cleaning lady cleaning out near by.

"I don't know, but there was a big hungama here an hour ago, some girl got hurt and there was a helicopter to take her to the hospital. Is she the one you are talking about?" She questioned me again and it was like someone knocked me out of my breath.

This can't be her. This can't be her.

I ran to the main gate and took an auto to the nearest hospital hoping she would be there, but to my bad luck she wasn't. I ran to every hospital in the city looking her and there was no named Jagati or Jagruthi in any of them.

Broken, devastated and lost, is what I feel in this moment. I was trying to punish her but in the end I punished myself. I asked her to die and leave me alone, I told her that she was selfish when she was the most selfless person I've ever met.

She did everything in her hands to protect the people around her. I called her prejudiced when I judged her without knowing anything. I can't even stay in my own house for a day without going out, but she spent years without any friends or people.

I realized the reality now I am too late.

"Did you find her?" Aarthav asked me as I reached our room and I shook my head.

"Let's go to her parents place, you can talk to her there." Aarthav said and pulled his car from the parking.

We drove to their place and found it completely empty, the guards told us they left out of town.

It's been a month since that day, Reyansh stopped coming to college, I had no way of contacting her or knowing if she was alive. All the numbers we had of her just went dead, there was not trace of Jagruthi in the world and neither did I have the resources to find out.

Her parents came back on TV but there was no happiness in their eyes. I went there and begged the security to let me in but I was literally prohibited from their house by the security, I got served a legal notice to not be in 20 feet of their house.

The guilt that she might be pain or not alive was eating me inside. I lost the love of my life because of my negligence and anger.

"Ms.Radha, The Dean is asking for Devansh Raghuvaran." The bell boy asked our teacher.

Everyone in the class started looking at me in confusion except for 2 people, Nidhi and Samrat. When Samrat knew what happened he kicked to curb and broke my jaw and I took it all because I literally deserve it.

All her friends stopped talking to me, Manjula and Aarthav broke up after a few days. It was like everyone's life around me was spiraling and I am the reason for it.

"I see that your grades have been going down, we can't keep the scholarship if you maintain like this." The Dean said as soon as I walked into the room.

How can I get myself to study when the I might've probably killed the person I love? When I am the reason my best friend and his girlfriend are not on talking terms.

"I can't do this anymore sir. I know that you know about Jagati, please let me know how she is doing, let me talk to her once." I pleaded him with the last ounce of hope.

"Look Devansh, it's not my position to tell you this but move on. Don't ruin your life on something which might not even be there, and my guess if she was here she would've hate to see you like this. Your parents sent here with a hope to give you a good life and you are ruining your chances at it." He said looking at me.

She would've absolutely hated it, but if she was here I wouldn't be like this.

What does he mean my something which might not even be there?

I pushed her to the floor and didn't even look back, what kind of a monster did I turn into?

My mother would hate me for my actions, my father would kill me if he knows that I did something to the only girl who broke all his walls.

"I know you are a well determined person, so I am giving you one last chance. I have these extra money from the funds we raised, I will give it to you, if you prove to me that you can create something related to farming, I've heard all your ideas I just want to see you implement them now." He said to me.

She wanted me to excel at this, she wanted me to build things, she wanted to see me succeed in life so much that she came here to stop me from taking up that stupid job, after I said all those ugly things.

I will do this for her, from today I will work for her and make her proud of me.

"Thank you sir. I promise you won't regret it." I told him as he wrote me a check to get started.

"This will be your final project and you can work from your home if you want." He said with an encouraging smile.

Janu this is for you, I am not coward enough to end my life but I am courageous enough to make our dreams come true.

With this new determination I walked back to the classroom and apologized to Aarthav for breaking his relationship.

"If you love someone you will loose them at some point in life, but the sad thing is we love them anyway. I will try again and again and make Anju like me, I am not giving up on her, don't worry about me. I will change myself to such an extent that she will love me again." He said hugging me.

I was high on an emotion called anger and lost focus and lost someone really close to me. I will take up this new chance I got in life and put all myself into it, but before that I have to apologize to all the people who lost her because of me.

"I know you guys don't want to talk to me right now, but I am sorry that all this is happening to you, I am sorry that you lost your friend because of my actions. " I told him hanging my head low, regretting my actions.

Nidhi was about to say something but Samrat wouldn't let her and she shut her mouth.

"Whatever happened we can't control it, just take care of yourself and good luck on the project. I just wish that she is okay." Kajal said to me while all the others were in daze.

"She will be okay, she was never prepared for half the stuff she went through, she always got through it and she always will. I know she is fine." Manjula said to herself out loud.

Somehow her words gave me a feeling of comfort, that Janu is fine even if she is not with me.

You know what I learned from this and her friends, Love and Lies can co-exist, love and anything can co-exist if you trust each other to pull through all the treacherous situations that life throws our way.

I couldn't help her pull through it, and I lost her.

So, like every good book mine doesn't end with they lived happily ever after. It ends with him living in the past reminiscing her presence, with no hope towards future.

THE END

Lol! I was kidding.

What's the purpose of reading fiction when you don't see happiness in the end?

So, Devansh realized his mistake and is regretting now.

What do think about Janu is she alive or dead?

Should I kill her and make her reborn? I should definitely write for movies.

Also I got the internship I applied. So I am super happy with my life right now.

As I am happy, I have a big surprise for you in the next chapter.

So you better watch out and you are free to guess the surprise. If anyone guesses it right, I will give you a really big gift.

Don't forget to Vote and Comment.

Love,
Sneha