Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth.

~Henry David Thoreau

Jagati

I am back where I started almost 4 years ago, all alone in a room with no one talk to except my family, who are treating me like I am the culprit here.

Victim blaming is a really common thing in our world, from really big things like a rape to small things like me jumping in to save my father.

They are not letting me go back to college, My friends think that I got into an accident while coming back and they visited me once when I was in a hospital, except for Dev and Aarthav.

Dev stopped talking to me, he left the hospital after I woke up, blocked my number and has been completely avoiding me. I called him through our landline, my mom's phone and whatnot as soon as he realizes that it's me on the call he turns his phone off.

I called Aarthav to connect us both, but he said that Dev doesn't wanna talk to me.

Can he just yell at me for my mistake and punish me that way? This silent treatment is hurting me the most and I can't share it with my friends either.

You hurt him, imagine the trauma he went through after finding out the truth by himself, We deserve it to be ghosted like this.

I asked my parents if I could tell him but they didn't want me to. It's just not my truth alone, it's theirs too.

Excuses might make you feel good, stop justifying yourself and regret your actions.

I do regret my actions completely,  I hope we can talk it out and clear this between us, I can't stay away from him anymore.It's been 18 days, I miss him, I miss his smile, his warm eyes, his love, his care, his hugs and his kisses.

"It's time for you to walk." Karthik announced coming into the room making me throw a pillow at his face hiding my tears before he sees and makes a fuss.

Karthik has been acting like a pain in my butt ever since, he goes to office at 8 and comes back by 4 to take me to practice walking and entertaining me.

"Are you crying? Does it hurt anywhere? Should we call Abhay Uncle?" He asked me and I shook my head lying to him.

I can bear the physical pain and alleviate them with pain killers but the pain of Dev not talking hurts more than ever.

"Devansh is not talking to me Kar, I tried everything but it's not happening. I miss him and I want him in my life." I said to him not able to hold back my pain.

He sat beside me and hugged me, rubbing my back letting my tears flow but this is not the hug I want.

"Give him some space Janu, he is hurt and time heals everything." He tried to console me.

"How many more days Karthik? I can't live like this anymore, that day when I got hurt I wanted to tell Papa that I want stay alive but ever since I woke up in the hospital I regret thinking that. Everything changed, I feel suffocated again Karthik. Grandma says that i won't go back to college. I was happy there, I had people who cared and loved me. I am gonna lose them all..." I sobbed hysterically clutching on to him while he listened to me and consoled me that's it's gonna be okay.

"Let's go out for some fresh air." He said and helped on to the wheel chair and handed me a glass of water.

Doctors said that I can't put too much pressure on my spine or the wounds by walking and running. He pushed me into the lawn and went back into the house for something while i waited for him to help me walk.

I looked at orange and blue hues playing in sky as the sun was going down, playing peak-a-boo with us with the help of clouds which look whipping cream.

Nature has the capability to calm you down, with its beauty in any kind of situation, the fresh breeze hitting my skin, the smell of jasmines from the tree that me and my Mama planted when I was kid.

It gave me a sense of relief through the storm.

As I was enjoying the peace Karthik tapped on my shoulder and handed me the phone. I looked at him with a confused face not able to understand, what does he wants me to with it?

He whispered talk and left me alone, i looked at his phone screen which was a random number.

"Hello!" I said meekly not knowing who's on the other side.

"Hello" He replied and my heart started the marathon as soon as I heard his voice.

"Dev"

There was no reply, but I could hear him breathing.

"Dev, please talk to me. I am sorry Dev."

"I am trying my best to not say anything disrespectful to you Jagati, so please leave me alone and give me some space." He said after a few seconds.

"I gave you space for 18 days Dev, I can't anymore. I want to fix this." I said to him, finding ways to mend out relationship.

"You can never fix this, you are too late." He said and I could feel his anger.

"I know it was my mistake to keep you in the dark, and I am sorry Dev."

"It's not a mistake Jagati, it's your decision and stop calling me Dev." He replied curtly and he called me Jagati.

My own name feels like a nails screeching on a metal right now.

"I was trying to protect you, I was scared that people might hurt you too along with me." I said to him.

"Lying to me doesn't protect me, you had a choice for 2 years, and you betrayed me. You made live in your lie, you made me believe that you love me when I was nothing but a source of entertainment for you. Stop hounding me like this, let me live in peace at least now. Leave me alone and stop calling other people for me. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.." He yelled making me scared.

My Dev never raised his voice at me, but now he is yelling at me. I deserve it, I deserve his anger.

"My love for you was never a lie Dev, I love you so much, please don't do this to us..I can't live without you, please I am..I am begging you, talk to me, yell at me but don't ask me to leave you. I can't take the pain of separation from you, I can't live without you Dev, please don't do this to me." I told him clutching my heart which was in so much pain that I felt like I was having a heart attack.

"I don't care, if you really can't live without me then DIE. I wish you died that day and I wish i didn't know all the things, I learnt that day. Because Janu's Dev died that day and you killed him. You are the reason for my pain and you deserve everything you got so far."

His each word felt like a bullet but instead of piercing my body they just went to my heart.

"I am sorry, pleas..please st..stop saying things like this?" I pleaded him through my gut clenching pain.

"Don't be Sorry Jagati, that word is losing its meaning. If you really are sorry, stop calling me and keep reminding me about the pain in my life. If I am not clear, you are the pain and I don't want to feel anymore." With that the line went dead.

Why does it feel like this? I can't take this pain anymore.

"I don't want to live like this. I can't live like this." I said as soon as I felt someone touch my shoulder.

"What's wrong Janu, did he say anything? I am going to kill him." Karthik fisted his hands but the pain in my chest seemed to increase by every second.

"It's hurting Karthik. He wants to get away from me, papa and mama want to send me away. Why don't the people I love want to stay with me? Why Karthik? Why? I can't take this pain anymore.. it hurts so bad."I screamed in agony with one hand on my chest and one on my stomach trying to get rid of the pain.

"What's wrong with me?" I mumbled as everything around me started to get blurry and my head started to feel heavy, my body started to feel weak, and before I knew it the pitch darkness took over me.

"Her stitches broke maybe blood loss is the reason for her losing consciousness. Don't stress her, she went through a severe trauma." I heard Abhay Uncle say and leave the room.

I didn't wanna see anyone, so I stayed still without any movement.

He wished that I died, Why does that hurt more than anything?

Why can't I full-fill his one last wish? Maybe he will be happy that way.

Shut up! Death is not the solution. You are willing to die for one person when there are many other praying for your recovery.

Stop acting like a coward and face the reality.

I don't want this reality, it seems unrealistic. I don't want to live in a world where Dev doesn't love his Janu.

"Baby! What happened to you? You are not eating anything, you stopped talking. Where is my cheerful daughter?" Mama asked me brushing my hair with her finger with my head in her lap.

It's been 2 weeks since he asked me to leave him alone, he wanted peace and I gave him that. But with his peace he took my happiness away, all I can remember his words which are taunting me and I deserve it. I deserve all this pain.

I haven't been feeling myself lately, I don't want to do anything, I just lay down in corner watching the ceilings wasting every second of my time. I can't bring myself to accomplish anything in life and it's hurting everyone around me.

"It's nothing Mama! I am fine, Can I go back to college?" I asked her hopefully getting up from her lap.

My papa is adamant on not sending me back there, I don't have any one but Karthik supporting me. He is the reason I am still here in India, my parents were ready to ship me off to US.

"Janu we talked about this already, your wounds are not healed yet, we have to get some more physical therapy. I know you are missing Dev and your friends, why don't we ask him to come home?" Mama said holding my chin, while I tried hard to stop my tears that were ready to fall off.

I didn't tell her about my broken heart, I couldn't risk her hating Dev when there is a little hope in me that we could get together again, maybe his anger towards me might go away and we could get back together.

"Please try to talk to Papa about it." I pleaded her while she pulled me into her lap again and put me to sleep.

Sleep is the best thing happened to me these days, it takes me away from the harsh reality and I can dream about beautiful things, I don't have in life right now.

We all are living in my grandpa's house, with my moms parents, Karthik's parents and my parents. Our house is full of people who love me but my heart is still aching for the one who hates me right now. My papa came home and we all had dinner together, even though it's all my favorites on the table my stomach and tongue were not ready for it.

Just when I was about to hit the bed again to live in a fake reality my phone rang with Manju's name on it.

"Janu! How are you?" She asked me.

All my friends are busy with college placements and interviews. Manju got a job last week in a Windmill Manufacturing company.

"Aarthav told me that Devansh is attending for Global Technology placements tomorrow on campus, didn't you wanna do farming together? Is everything okay with you and Devansh?" Manju asked shocking me with the news.

I can't believe that he is going to attend campus placements, even though Global is a top company in the world right now. Why would he do that? That's not what he was meant to do.

"Can I call you later Manju?" I asked her and cut the call.

I walked to Karthik's room to beg him to take me to college tomorrow. After hours of begging, he agreed, He also convinced my parents that we will be going out on a refreshment trip, and come back tomorrow. He promised to drop me off at college under Rey's supervision and that he will come pick me up after his work.

I got into the car with a determination to get him back, I don't care what it takes. It was 6:30 in the morning by the time we reached MIMU. Manju, Nidhi and Kajal were waiting for by the entrance.

"Take care of her. Janu I will come back in 3 hours, don't walk too much or stress yourself. Rey will be here in 5 minutes." He warned us all and left me alone.

As soon as Karthik left, they all pulled me into a hug and I couldn't stop my tears.

"Are you okay? How are you feeling?" They asked me, their love and concern shoved me to the brink of existence.

"Everything is horrible, my whole is life falling apart. Dev hates me now, he asked me to leave him alone." I told them not wanting to hide anything anymore.

"WHAT? " Kajal asked me in shock.

That's when I told the whole truth, the truth about my father and mother, how I joined the college, how the accident happened, about Reyansh, And how Dev found out about me and asked me to leave him alone.

I had to do this, I can't put them in the dark anymore.

"I know you must be hating me too..I am really sorry please don't leave me..." I begged them ending my story by folding my hands asking them for forgiveness kneeling on the floor.

"Janu, I don't care who your parents are. We are your friends because we love you as an individual not where you came from." Nidhi said to me unclasping my hands and holding them.

"I can understand how much pain you must be going through, so don't cry Janu. We can never hate you." Kajal said to me with tears in her eyes.

"We are not shallow to reject you based on your parents, we might be hurt that you had to hide the truth but you were in a bind. If he can't understand you it's his loss." Manju said to me finally and I cried again in their arms feeling solace for the first time getting rid of the burden of truth that I've been carrying on my shoulders.

But this time, they are happy tears, happiness that they love me enough to trust my situation and understand me.

You are lucky when you get one good best friend in your life but this time I got 3 people, who are with me by my side despite my unruly actions.

The college bell rang pulling us apart, I asked Rey to bring Devansh to our spot to talk to him before he attends that stupid interview and convince him.

Nidhi and Kajal left after me persuading them to go prepare for the interview's quantitive exam.

"Are you going to be okay?" Manju asked me as we were walking to college.

"Not yet, Maybe once I talk to him in person, he might change his heart."I said to her with a bubbling hope before she hugged me and walked away.

I sat on our bench reminiscing all the memories it held, our first talk, when he proposed me to become his girlfriend, the first night we spent together and the ring he gave me.

I heard footsteps and stiffened up my posture, he walked in wearing the same uniform we have been wearing for years looking the same except for the dark circles under his eyes, and the weakness his face showed me.

As soon as his eyes met mine, the same eyes that loved me showed anger and he started to move away.

NO! NO!

"You cannot leave me like that? " I yelled following him and held his hand tight before he could walk away.

"I have a job to get. So please leave my hand. " He said to trying to wiggle his hand out of my hold like it was burning him.

"Tell me Why are you doing this? Why are you doing things you don't like?" I asked him holding him again trying to control my tears.

"Because of you, every minute in the campus reminds me of you. The longer I am here, the more I pain I feel because you betrayed me with your lies, this place reminds of all the lies and I want to get away from here as soon as possible." He answered looking all around except me.

I never wanted to be the person pulling him back, I've made his dreams into mine. I wanted to be by his side and cheer him and make him reach heights. but I finally became the reason for his downfall.

"Please don't say that, I am sorry! My lies were never meant to hurt you, they were to just protect me from the world and pain." I answered him and he chuckled at my reply.

"You are sorry, YOU fucked up my life.... I was in peace, and you ruined everything for me. I am done with his shit, you are the most selfish and prejudiced person ever and I hate you for putting me in this position. You lied about your parents, Reyansh, your relationship with Karthik. " He said raging onto me making me walk back in fear.

This is the first time, I am seeing this mad so up close and it hurts to see that I am the reason behind it.

"Yes, I was selfish because I love you and I was terrified of losing you. I made bad choices that hurt you but Trust me Dev, my love was never a lie or an act." I justified myself because my love for him was never an act, that was the only real thing in life.

"I am fed up with your lies Jagati, It hurts to hear you say that you love me when you and your family are nothing but a bunch of liars, you are the most selfish people I've seen...., one day the whole world will know what your father did and I hope you will end up all alone and bare the dues of your actions." He said furiously with loathe, as the tears refused to leave my face.

There was no love in face, it was pure disgust,He is disgusted by me.

Why does that hurt me so much? It feels like some one is clenching my heart and every ounce of my body  and squeezing it like a rag cloth.

Whatever situation it is, No one can ever say things about my parents, I don't care. They did what was correct according to them and no one except me can judge their actions and curse them.

" You must feel good judging us, surrounded with all the freedom you have in life, when I spent all my life between 4 walls, where every second outside is a life threat... Those lies gave me freedom and happiness. You know what?... You are right, I am liar and I completely accept that. But don't you dare blame my family for my actions, they did whatever they could to protect me and you can't call them out like that." I yelled at him at the top of my lungs ignoring the pain passing all over my body making me weak and lightheaded.

"One word about them and you go all crazy, Where was this voice when it came to me? You want me trust you? when you all you did was break me apart.?I..I thought you were more important than my own life, I sacrificed everything for you, but you are not worth it and I regret every second of it." He screamed in pain and turned away from me.

His words are hurting me so much, it feels like a sting to my heart and this is the kinda pain I can't bear anymore. The face I earned to see everyday, the eyes I loved are not watching me with the same emotion anymore.

I tried to stay strong but I am damn tired physically and emotionally trying fight for my love and watch him give up on me, watch his love for me disappear.

Death would be much better over this pain.

" Please Dev, Don't leave me..I love you. I am really sorry... Please don't hate me, tell me you love me Dev, I can't take this pain anymore.." I begged with tears bleeding out of my eyes walking forward trying to hold him assure him in a way my words couldn't but he flinched at my touch and jerked away.

He is not the innocent loving boy I feel in love with.

Why does this hurt so much? Why did I wish to live? Was it to see this?

"You do not lie to the one love....You tricked me under the pretense of love, you humiliated me. I don't wanna face the same thing again because the person I trusted the most in world hurt me and betrayed me.. So I beg you to please let go of this facade and live your life peacefully with Karthik. But when you move on in life just remember that I HATE YOU JAGATI JAGADEESH DHANRAJ, I hate you for giving me this pain..." He said with venom spitting out of his throat at my name and walked pushing me away out of his hold making fall down on my knees.

That's when I realized Janu's Dev is no more, he wouldn't do this to me. He wouldn't give me this much pain.

But I do deserve this pain, I made the mistake and this is my punishment, This ineffable pain passing through my body when it was just supposed to be my heart.

I feel light headed and breathless, as if someone was choking me, like my lungs were giving up on me and all the will to live just drain out of my body with my tears.

With this numbing pain in my chest which feels like my heart is failing on me, maybe I could full fill his wish of me dying and leaving him alone.

Good bye Devansh! I hope you have a better life with out me in it, but I will always love you from the bottom of my heart, This Janu will always love her Dev no matter what.

Maybe third time is the charm for me and this time I really hope I die and give everyone peace, with that though my head hit the floor

This was the most dreadful chapter ever and I didn't wanna break it into two make us more sad.

I don't know who's side I should be on, I am super confused.

What about you? Who do you support Janu or Dev?

I am gonna be quick with updates from now on, get ready to read with me.

Don't forget to vote and comment.

Love,
Sneha