Ch.38: Deranged Dream

Time was a fallacy. A lie. A paradox: slow and torturous, yet fast like lightning - nonlinear, moving differently for each person. It slowed as Julian stepped back and hopped off the edge of the hill, every second stretching into an eternity of disbelief, every movement prolonged.

Simultaneously, time sped up for Nicholas. It passed by so fast that the world turned into a blur. So fast Nicholas couldn't comprehend what he was doing until he was doing it. No thoughts. No planning. His truest self, raw and in control.

He shoved Valentino off him and dashed towards Julian.

His and Julian's timelines caught up with each other. Nicholas's knees dug into the soil at the edge of the forest path, sharp rocks and pebbles drilling into them, and he hunched over, holding onto Julian's hand, straining to hold his weight up.

"Julian," Nicholas panted. "Lian. I-I can't-" A single stone was slicing into his knee. The spot blazed and stung. "I can't hold on for too long. Grab onto me with your other hand. Come on."

Julian stared at Nicholas with awe in his eyes. Complete awe. Not a trace of fear in there, as if he didn't understand that if Nicholas hadn't acted fast enough, he would've fallen down by now. He would've been dead, his body at the bottom of the hill, his skull crushed and split open by some rocks along the way.

"You... You really did it, hahaha..." Julian smiled, then giggled. His fingers didn't even curl around Nicholas's hand, like he wasn't fighting to survive. Like he didn't want to. His other arm was limp by his side. "Finally, finally someone does something cool like this for me!"

"Okay," Nicholas said. "Okay. I did it. Is this what you wanted? Someone to save you? Look. You threw yourself. You almost died. I saved you. Oh my God, that's so amazing. Now it's over. Help me get you up again."

Julian tilted his head, his hair flying with the wind. "Yes, I'm happy. But when you threw yourself, I jumped with you. Remember? You have to do that too now!"

"I didn't jump off somewhere this steep! When I jumped I knew I'd survive it! I knew you'd survive it! This is different, Lian."

Julian wouldn't budge. This sick obsession of forcing a sacrifice for him shone in that playful, boyish grin on his lips, even as he hung off the sharpest slope of a hill, even as his life depended on a single hand holding him.

Gritting his teeth, Nicholas tried to lift Julian, but it wouldn't work. Not without Julian's cooperation. And certainly not with Julian fighting for the opposite to happen; he raised his free arm, grabbed onto Nicholas's, and then yanked it downwards.

Nicholas's heart skipped a beat. His spine curved over the edge of the hill a little more, his knees sinking into the soil. With his other hand, he'd been trying to hold onto the earth, to keep himself from falling, but in a desperate, panicked rush, he used it to hold onto Julian, too. To cancel the opposite force.

It was a mistake.

Nicholas realized it the split second he did it. His upper body tilted over the edge.

Breath racing, he tried to withdraw his hand again to anchor himself to the ground, but Julian grabbed it with the other arm. The scale tipped.

In Julian's favor, of course.

Julian pulled downwards.

"When we fall, Nicholas," Julian said. "You have to protect me the way I protected you, okay?"

"Fucking idiot," Nicholas gritted out, still fighting to free his hand, shifting his weight back to keep himself in his spot, but his body kept tilting forward, his knees scraping nearer towards the edge. "You won't remember if I protected you or not because we'll both die! You know what's better than someone protecting you while you fall to your death? Someone that doesn't want you to die at all you, you fucking brainless moron!"

Julian gazed up at Nicholas, his eyes... blank. Just blank. They weren't wide with excitement, or narrowed with scepticism. His lips pressed into a straight light, thoughtful and apprehensive. He stopped tugging downwards.

"Lian," Nicholas sighed. The sharp, irritated edge to his voice softened. "Please. Why can't you just appreciate that I want you to live? I. Want. You. To. Live. I'm wasting time and risking my life to do this because I don't think you deserve to die. I just want you to..." to get some professional help in some locked mental facility. But Julian wouldn't like the truth, so Nicholas twisted his words. "...be happy. And feel safe. I can give you that. But you have to help me here. Don't throw us down. I look like Thomas. Would you wanna kill him? Would you wanna throw him?"

Julian's lips turned into a bitter smile after a stretch of silence.

"No, I wouldn't want to kill Thomas."

Hope flickered in Nicholas's chest.

Talking it out was working. He could trick Julian.

"Great, so-"

"But I would want him to do this. I would want him to throw himself after me, exactly the way I threw myself after him. That's all I want."

Never mind.

Julian tugged one last time.

And that was it.

Nicholas's heart plummeted, gravity dissipating, his body weightless as Julian slipped downwards, dragging him along. In that split-second he was aware of himself about to roll to his death, he saw Julian's deranged, wicked smile.

Before Nicholas's body could completely tip over the edge and roll down that dizzying, violent slope, a hand grasped the back of his vest and tugged back.

The entire death process stalled.

Nicholas's heart crashed against his ribs. Bile rose up his throat.

Julian was holding onto Nicholas, eager to throw him down along with him, and he stared up with a frown like he was pissed someone thwarted his beautiful plan.

Nicholas glanced over his shoulder. "Valentino?"

His ears rang so loud he could hardly hear his own voice.

With an annoyed scowl on his face, Valentino sat on his knees by Nicholas's side, using his other hand to grab his arm and pull him backwards.

Nicholas braced his core to help Valentino steady him. Julian's grip slackened with shock at Valentino's interference, and Nicholas reversed the grip on Julian's hand so that one of his sat on top. He dug his fingers in and pulled Julian up.

It worked.

Valentino continued tugging backwards, until Nicholas was on the safer side, and from there Nicholas took the lead again; he forced Julian up, and up, and up, even as a vein at his temple throbbed, even as his arms ached. Tender, raw, barely-healed skin split open. Wounds ripped apart again. Nicholas didn't pay heed.

Until he felt a thread break along his arm, and the whole stitch unravelled.

Well, shit.

Blood poured out, wet and dense as it seeped into his dress-shirt, but Nicholas focused on his work until Julian was safe on land.

And there was no time to think. No time to give Julian time to pull another stunt, to do something unpredictable again.

Nicholas patted around for the gun Julian had tossed, but Valentino had beat him to it.

He shot Julian's leg.

Julian, the immune puppet he was, gave no reaction. He started standing up again.

"Really, Valentino?" Julian laughed, his voice drunken. "That's a rubber bullet, idiot." He propped himself on one knee. "You can't ruin my mood." His eyes searched for Nicholas, and he stumbled haphazardly towards him. "Nicholas." He grabbed the front of his clothes and tugged him closer. "I can't believe it. You really did it. You did it. You were gonna fall down and you didn't let go. Hahaha..."

Julian's arm curled around Nicholas, and he kept laughing into his shoulder, and Nicholas didn't move. Didn't shove him off. Didn't react. He stared ahead, past Julian's black hair. He stared at the world behind the hill, then he leaned his head back and gazed at the patches of sky cutting in through the canopy of branches and leaves.

"Lian."

Julian pulled back, his brown eye welled with tears, but not a single droplet trickled along his cheek.

"I..." Nicholas sighed. "I'm sorry. You deserve better."

He kicked Julian's chest, sending him to the ground on his back. Then he turned to Valentino, who was still on his knees, one hand pressed to the soil, the other to his wound. Nicholas took the gun from him.

And he emptied it on Julian.

He shot his other leg, both arms, one shoulder, and his chest at his lung. He pulled the trigger one last time, but nothing came out. He'd run out of the rubber bullets. After glancing at the barrel, he slipped the gun into his belt, its metal cold against his hip.

Julian's smile persisted. He rolled onto his side, scrambling towards Nicholas again, although this time his movement was sluggish and tired. He didn't feel pain, but his body did. It soaked the impact, and clearly his nervous system didn't like it. It would shut down soon.

"Let's do it again, Nicholas," Julian said, a single teardrop trickling down his cheek. Then another, and another. Until it turned into a stream. He sniffled and wiped his nose with a quivering hand, tugging at Nicholas's clothes. Tugging at his heart, too. "Nicholas, Nicholas, please. I wanna throw myself again and you'll save me again. This was the best that ever happened to me. Let's do it again."

A lump clogged Nicholas's throat. He couldn't will himself to speak, couldn't force his voice to be steady. He only nodded at Julian as he grabbed his wrists, dragging him further away.

"Lian," Nicholas finally said, his voice sticking to his throat, hardly even audible. He couldn't look Julian in the eyes. "Lian, for God's sake. I just shot you. You should be angry."

"No, it's fine, it doesn't hurt! Now let's do it again, please. I loved the feeling." Julian's teary eyes glistened, his voice dreamy again. Dreamy and childish and deranged. This idiot. This man-child that still craved the idea of someone protecting him, even in a scenario he planned. Nicholas hated this constriction in his chest, this crushing weight between his ribs. "Please. One more time. I just want to feel like someone cares one more time."

"I care." Nicholas leaned Julian against a tree. "I care," he said as he unbuckled Julian's belt, then wrapped it around his wrists. Julian's body was shutting down. The time between his blinks shrank, until his eyelids dropped, lashes together. "I swear I care." He fastened the belt. "I just can't trust you anymore. I can't predict what you'll do. I'm gonna get the cops, I promise. I hope no one kills you until then, Lian."

Nicholas took Julian's other gun from him, the one with the real bullets. Then he stood up. Leaving Julian hidden behind a tree, he turned to Valentino.

When Valentino had grabbed Nicholas and tugged him back, Nicholas had been too focused on actually surviving the situation to notice what happened. Valentino actually helped him. He actually used that malfunctioning, cynical brain of his to decide that preventing the death of two people was a good idea.

So un-Valentino.

And Nicholas didn't know what to do with that. He didn't even realize he was staring until Valentino snapped, "What?"

"What?" Nicholas said.

"Why the hell are you looking at me like that?"

"Why did you help me?" Nicholas asked.

Valentino scoffed. "I did? I don't remember."

Nicholas stifled a chuckle. Valentino struggled up to his feet, his knees shaky. Nicholas gave him a hand, then supported him again so that they could keep going.

"I thought you don't help people because theoretically they wouldn't help you either," Nicholas said as they walked. Typically talking things out was his kryptonite, but for some reason he really wanted the explanation from Valentino's mouth. "If you were the one falling down, I wouldn't have helped. Isn't that what you think?"

"Well, you didn't leave me behind when Julian stabbed me. And you're currently my personal walking stick," Valentino said. His voice softened into a mumble, a tinge of shame echoing in its undertones. "That's not theoretical anymore. If I was the one falling down that edge, I... I think..." He paused, his breath hitching for a second - either because of the stab wound, or because he found this physically painful to admit. "I think you would've helped me too."

Oh.

Uh...

This was nice, but Nicholas didn't know what to say. So he just kept quiet and moved along. Some part of him wanted to tease Valentino about this. Mock him, maybe. But Valentino had exerted too much energy, so Nicholas just let him rest instead.

"Let's go back-" Valentino whimpered, glancing down at the gash. "Sh-Shit." The blood wouldn't stop pouring, no matter how much he pressed the coat to it. He exhaled shakily. "Let's go back where we came from. Milo and Albert are probably still down there."

Nicholas kept walking forward, towards the east. Distant lights illuminated the sky in that direction. Windows and panes glowed yellow. It had to be a little town, which was the best bet right now. If there wasn't any hospital there, they could at least call an ambulance for Valentino.

With how obsessed Valentino was with Milo and Albert, he didn't realize his own time was running out. Or maybe he did. But he just didn't care.

"Hey," Valentino said. "Not this way." He pointed back. "That way. That's where we lost them."

"I'm not going back for them," Nicholas said. "There's a sniper somewhere back there, and we need to get you a doctor."

Valentino dug his feet into the ground. "Nicholas... I want to go back for them."

"Move, Valentino," Nicholas said. "I don't want to fight you right now."

• • •

Nicholas and Valentino actually respecting each other for 1 sec before they end up fighting again lol 😭

Fun fact: if nicholas had actually left Valentino behind to die alone (after he got stabbed), julian and nicholas would have actually fallen down the edge and died (cz then Valentino wouldn't have been there to help obvi).

So Nicholas made one single decision that changed his and Julian's fates 😍

Thank you so so much for reading/voting/commenting, it means the world to me!! Hope you're enjoying the book! ❤️ For the people worried about Valentino: I'm sorry guys you're gonna have to keep being worried 😭❤️ so happy to know that people care about him tho ❤️