Eracelli Package

Title
The emotion it gives off is good!

Cover
I like your cover. It's aesthetic and pleasing to the eye.

Blurb
Besides the run-on sentence (the one that mentions a roller coaster ride), your blurb is great. +1 point for getting all three positive things so far! Not many people can do that.

*since your story contains 58 parts (gulp!), I'll be reviewing 8 parts at a time, coming to around 7 portions of review*

"Let's Be Professional"-Chapter 4
Your first part is good and concise. It's something that doesn't deter from getting to the reading, which is a problem that many writers have when they add notes like these at the beginning.

The prologue really isn't a prologue at all. It's the summary that is word for word outside of your story. You shouldn't put the summary in the actual book itself again. It's already outside of the story. Readers have opened your book to read your book. Don't make them wait any longer!

Speaking of that, you might have known already from previous reviews that I don't approve of cast lists (especially with the pictures naming every character) because they strip away the readers' imagination of the characters and because it makes you as a writer lazy. What I mean by that is that by putting a celebrity or model name to your characters, you relieve yourself of the responsibility of character description in the writing. Of course you'll put things in there like eye color to romanticize the characters, but the rest will be the celebrity. Am I wrong? It's totally fine to have a face claim later on, but an entire cast list—at least I believe—isn't needed right now. Besides, your readers probably won't even remember the faces of the pictures when they read. It's a bit pointless.

Oh, and not only do you have a cast list and pictures for every character, but now you have another part to include the celebrity cast list? You're making your readers wait a long time to read the story. Do not disappoint them with repeating information, especially when you already have the cast list posted on the bottom of every part anyway. People can look at that if they want to. I'd suggest doing that instead of putting pictures and everything. Some people, unlike me, appreciate the cast lists I suppose. Let the people like me just read your story. By the way, the trailers are lovely and I think they are fine before the story (although maybe they'd serve you better as a part of the summary outside?).

You just made your readers wade through four parts of "not-your-story." First of all, I'd suggest taking out the cast list apart from the cast listing at the bottom of each part to conserve time. I'd suggest taking out the repeated summary for the same reason. I understand the author's note, trailers, and awards. However, that could all be put in one short part at the beginning! That way, readers won't have to scroll and scroll and watch ads in between "not-your-story" (yes, don't forget about those ads!). That way, you don't make your readers wait to read what they opened the book up to read. -1 point for the inconveniences. Your total is zero.

Now let's get into the actual writing.

The first problem I see is a tense issue. You clearly write in past tense, but sometimes you switch one or two verbs to present tense (i.e. "I love my phone way too much to damage it..." in the middle of past tense). Make sure you remain consistent with tense all throughout the narration (dialogue will be present tense).

You also have a semicolon issue (I believe you used it right before but then wrong the next). Make sure that the semicolon separates independent clauses that can stand alone; you can say each side and it will still be a complete sentence that makes sense. You can also use a conjunctive adverb to start the second clause; however, make sure that it's still a complete sentence! You can use semicolons for lists, but I'll have you research that on your own if you want as it's not applicable as of right now.

"Mom" should be capitalized when used as a name. For example, "Hey, Mom." "My mom" isn't capitalized because it's not used as a name. The same goes for "Dad," "Grandma," and "Mommy."

Specific thoughts are italicized, yes, but they don't need apostrophes around them (think "mini-me").

Instead of using a hyphen (-) for interrupters, use em-dashes (—). The instructions for Apple computers are here:

For Windows computers, I think it's Command and then 0151. Check my research on that.

I don't really get why you put the song lyrics in there outright. Many people already know the song and may scroll past it. You could put the song in video form at the top of your chapter. Then, readers could listen to the song in its entirety while reading the chapter and you won't have to take up the space of typing out lyrics.

Dialogue should only end in a comma if the tag after it is a dialogue tag (not an action tag).

"It is acceptable to end with a comma when the tag has to do with the dialogue," I said. "This line after the dialogue tag, though, always needs to end in a period."

"This needs a period because the action tag after it is an action not involving the line being said." I scratched my head. "Does that make sense?"

The slapping part with Kayra's Mom was described immaculately. The pacing of that scene was great. Nice work. +1 point for that.

I think that you tend to monologue too much. You go off on tangents about people and things that had happened in the past, taking away from the plot at hand. You need to balance revealing the context of the story with the plot of the story. Integrate the revealing so you don't have to monologue in blocks. It distracts readers from the actual plot and I think sometimes it makes you forget about what was actually going on because you're so focused on the monologue. For instance, a maid randomly comes on to the scene. You didn't tell us Kayra was rich! This is probably because of the other monologues given. You do the same thing in Chapter Two with the hot chocolate at breakfast randomly appearing. Where did it come from? Make sure that what's going on in the present is clear to us even when the text is a lot of thought. Keep things moving and keep things simple so we don't get bogged down with an info-dump! This is a consistent error of yours that really started in the very first chapter. -1 for that as it's a consistent error and your total is zero.

Chapter Three is strewn with tense errors. Stay in past tense unless it's dialogue or specific, italicized thoughts. The "beta" name that her grandmother gives her isn't understandable. If it's in a different language, italicize it. If it's just a pet name, capitalize it. Chapter Three overall seemed a lot shorter than the other chapters so far. The plot twist was great, though I think you could have made it much more dramatic and emotion-filled. Nice surprise, though.

Kayra would be her grandma's granddaughter, though, right? Not daughter? Or was that a type of nickname?

I think the end of Chapter Three is a good place to discuss sentence variety. The issue was most noticeable in Chapter Three, but it's still prevalent throughout. Many of your sentences, if not most, start with nouns, pronouns, or articles. Try different parts of speech! You can try almost all if the different parts at the beginning of your sentences!

At the beginning of Chapter Four, it's really unrealistic for the grandmother to have stared at Kayra for a full fifteen minutes. It just does not make any sense. You could say that it felt like fifteen minutes, I suppose, but it's still a bit out of realistic range.

Like I said before, you tend to rely on the monologues too much. Think about dialogue and actions and descriptions. We need to feel emotion. We need to see the scene. We need setting (especially as I didn't know it was set in India until just now because I'm an oblivious person). Paint it artfully.

Chapters 5-12
The "WHATTTT!!!!" is too much for me. First of all, I don't believe in all-caps in most situations, and this is one. Italics should give the same emphasis, and if you really need more, use your language. Second of all...one end-mark at a time (unless it's '?!'). The repeated "t" isn't needed. The "a" would really be the one drawn out in this instance, anyway. This is a consistent error that could turn away a lot of readers. It would probably make me stop reading if I was just reading for fun. -1 for those accumulating things and you're at negative one.

You have some tense issues in Chapter Five again.

Also, remember to consider your audience while writing (for instance, not all of your audience will automatically understand what a GRE is and what it stands for).

The description of the guy in Chapter Six wasn't your strongest. The part I liked least about the whole thing was that so many of the sentences started with the word "he" and were simple sentences. You should be artful; writing is a work of art, after all. Be specific, too. Don't just say his eyes were beautiful. Say that she got lost in his chestnut eyes that seemed to burn with intensity. Don't go over the top with it lest it turn into purple prose (pretty nothings), but be specific and artful with your writing. This will give your readers more imagination, as well.

For some reason, Chapter Seven isn't as grammatically sound as previous chapters were. You seem to be having issues with a lack of commas and run-on sentences. Consider using an online grammar-checker like Grammarly.com or even Hemingwayapp.com if you don't already use one. You can research on the rules for the grammar as well, but the general thing to remember is that two independent clauses need to be separated by a coordinating conjunction (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, and so) and a comma.

The letter in Chapter Eight was extremely sweet, but it would be sweeter if the grammar had been sound and if the extent of Kayra's miserable part of her life had been established in an emotional way. I've already said that more of her story with her "parents'" abuse needs to be exposed. This is to create a contrast between the happy side of Kayra with her friend life where nothing goes wrong and the abuse that she really faces. The abuse is why she's leaving, so we need to see that. I also think that Kayra needs to think. Does she ever doubt her decision to leave India? Does she ever want to stay for her friends? She does have a choice. She could easily just move somewhere else in India and study far away in the country to save money. She'd be closer to her friends, though I understand her wanting to get as far away from her parents as possible. The sentimentality and doubts in Chapter Nine were good with the connection to her house, but we need the connection to the people in her life. -1 for those things and you're at -2.

Kayra totally owning her fake mother before leaving was such a good scene. I was cheering! +1 and you're at -1!

You have had a ton of tense errors, though. Decide whether or not you're writing in past or present tense and stay consistent.

You said in Chapter 10 that you didn't know how Americans speak, but I think you did a good job nevertheless as an American myself.

I think that you've been writing in a passive sense too much. You don't place us in scenes anymore. The readers aren't there when Justin and Kayra talk in the plane or when he comforts her while the plane takes off. We didn't get to hear that dialogue, and it sounded like a great scene! Don't forget to take us along for the ride and not just mention what had happened. Mention what is happening. Place us in the scene and it'll make it much more exciting.

Chapters 13-20
You keep saying things are beautiful, but you never tell us how. Describe. Use the language you know as your palette and paint. We need more detail. Don't block it when it's not needed, though. Be aware.

Kayra is "lost in her thoughts" so much that it's getting a little repetitive. I understand why she would be, but it wouldn't happen so frequently and in the same way where people are literally in the middle of a conversation with her and she can't concentrate. She can be reminded of something from India for sure, but it doesn't need to be "lost in thoughts."

Also...Kayra is in an entirely new country. Where is the culture shock? Where are the descriptions? How is everything different, from scenery to dialect to the way people act? We need to have you show the contrast. For those accumulating things, -1 and you're at -2.

Your author's note in Chapter 14 should go at the end of the chapter as to not disrupt the story. Don't pause it in the middle.

Ellipses (...) should always be three dots. Nothing more, and nothing less (typically).

The rules in Chapter Seventeen should all be in one block. Don't make another line and certainly don't put bullets in there (I know you didn't).

Book titles should be underlined in general when you mention a specific book.

You say that Kayra was surprised by Justin texting her and no one else knowing about it, but then you don't elaborate on why she feels that way. We need to know! We need detail like that!

Chapter 19's description of the guy I literally word for word the description of the guy in that bank back in India (Chapter Six). Martha even did the same thing that Trisha did at the end of the description, and Kayra was apparently "lost in her thoughts" again. Was this coincidental? I don't think so because of the next chapter, so you should be careful. I recognized that description, and besides being a bit dull since it repeated itself, it has the same flaw as the first one. There are too many simple sentences starting with the word "he." Spice it up and combine clauses; otherwise, you will sound simple like the simple sentences. I'm sure you don't want that.

Chapters 21-27
Many of the things I've said before apply to your entire story, including these chapters. Tense errors and words that are too loooooonnnngggg like that (wow, that doesn't look good, does it?) are some of the biggest errors. You keep writing passively and your descriptions still aren't as strong as I'd like them to be. I've already taken points off for it, though, so I suppose I'll let this slide. Keep this in mind, though!

However, the intimate heat of the party at the end of Chapter 24 was a better description than most of your other ones, so I have to give you some credit there. I could feel what Kayra was feeling by you showing it, not just telling us "I felt embarrassed" or something like that. +1 for that and you're at -1!

The "recap" in Chapter 25 isn't necessary as now people will read it straight through (it won't be episodic without the updates that had previously been given). Besides, readers can look back themselves if they don't remember the previous chapter.

I appreciate you writing in the active tense through Chapters 25-27. You placed us right in the scene with Kayra instead of summarizing what had happened. I wish you had done this throughout your story! +1 and you're at zero!

Chapters 28-35
I believe a mistake has been made in Chapter 28. Earlier in the story, Arjun was Trisha's cousin all along. Now, you seem to have made him Trisha's brother. That's a mistake.

I don't appreciate the sudden change from Kayra to Arjun's point of view in Chapter 29. I was hoping that nothing like this would happen, but I was worried because of the "Kayra's point of view" title at the beginning of every chapter (and no, Trisha's point of view the one time didn't count because it was labeled as a "bonus"). But here we are, so I must tell you that you should try to remain consistent with your point of views. Even if you did two people, you would go every other or something to that effect where the point of views are distributed evenly. Arjun's point of view is just way too random for it to work for me. If you really wanted to write in his point of view, you would have had to do so in the very beginning along with Kayra's point of view (every other chapter would be one character). -1 point and you're at negative one.

Chapters 36-43
I don't have much to say for these parts, because the same things keep occurring: tense errors, run-on sentences, and the passiveness.

However, I'm totally glad that Kayra's thing with Justin is over. That toxic relationship needed to end. However, I'm surprised that they didn't go to the college administration to report him. I'm also questioning the fact that Kayra said she didn't see Justin. Isn't he her professor? And wouldn't he seek her out in person to try and get her back? It seems like you're trying to tie something up with too few strings even though he got kicked out at the end. You never say the means or if they had something to do with it.

And I'm totally glad that Arjun and Kayra are together! I knew he would be the one ever since the bank, and the kiss was very romantic. +1 and you're at zero!

Chapters 44-"Other Stories"
I loved the coding confession in Chapter 44. So cute. +1 and you're at one!

And the ending was amazing with the double proposal and the title usage! I loved it! +2!

Overall, honeysinha got three points! Your most consistent error was really the tense problems. I don't think you were aware of it, so let me explain a bit. You combine present and past tense throughout your story. For example, I'll take a sentence from Chapter 1. Take a look at the italicized verbs. "The urge of throwing my phone across the room always ignited every morning, but I love my phone too much to damage it." In this case, "ignited" is in past tense and "love" is in present tense. These types of sentences are all over your story!

Another thing I think should consider is your plot arc. Your story should go in an arc, but it's always leading somewhere. I think that your story isn't clear and to where it's leading before the end, of course. Throughout. I thought the plot arc would be trying to survive without anything but the loan in college and figuring out life, but it ended up being much more...random than that. It was much more about her social life than anything, but where is that leading? What's the end goal? A relationship? There was just no clear leading point from the beginning and all throughout. Your story should have a goal for the end, even if it's not to save the world. It's romance, yes, but it needs an ending point that leads. You've got your climax of Justin breaking Kayra's heart, but the end wasn't the goal that the characters had been striving for throughout the entire story (which was unclear anyway).

The passiveness and monologuing were big problems for me, too. We need to be placed into the scene and we need to keep the story moving. Plain and simple.

Overall, though, it was exciting to read and the ending two chapters really redeemed you. They were great! Your story reminds me of my first complete story, called "Remember." There wasn't much structure and many mistakes, but it had its moments of glory.