Cliffshire Package

The Art of Writing (Overall) (0/3)
There wasn't too much. The goal of writing is to tell your story and to instill emotion within the readers. In order to do this, you need to describe emotions and thoughts in reference to the context of the character's life. You don't do that much. Make us feel mortified when Valerie trips and spills the coffee! Make us feel the electricity between Valerie and Cody and the bubbly excitement as Valerie gets texts from Cody. Give us her thoughts. Give us relatable actions. Make us feel—much more than you already do. Paint your story and sculpt your characters into what I know you see them as. Make us see them the same way.

Chapter One (Walkthrough Review) (3/5 points)
If you're going to put in physical descriptions of characters in your story at all, then you should spread out the descriptions. Instead of writing them in blocks, spread them throughout the chapter. Otherwise, readers will get bored with your writing. Use things like dialogue tags and actions to put your descriptions in. This will keep your readers interested.

"You can do things like this," she said, her blue eyes twinkling.

He smoothed out his blue pants, hesitating before saying, "I think you get it."

You see my point. Don't pause your plot for descriptions. Things like skimming will happen.

Make sure that if the second clause of a second is dependent, you don't have a comma.

Valerie is the character from which this story's POV is told from, right? Make sure that readers can tell why you chose her as your main character. We need thoughts from her and feelings. You rely a bit too much on actions and dialogue for me. Emotions are what makes great stories great. Invoking emotion is one of the biggest goals of all of the arts. Make sure you accomplish that!

Also, the part with the blonde girl was confusing (yes, it's "blonde" and not "blond" because it's a girl) because for one, you merged Valerie's and her point of view. Stick with one character and no more. For two, your usage of pronouns make it difficult to discern who is doing what (for instance, I initially thought that the blonde was drawing the stars and trying to get the lid on the cup). For three, you don't create new paragraphs as much as you should. A general rule (keep in mind there are several exceptions) is that every time a new character speaks or does something, a new paragraph must be made.

I think that your biggest downfall in this chapter, however, is establishing setting. With the coffee thing, I couldn't tell whether Valerie was in school or in a coffee house. Make sure you paint a clear picture while being wary of your descriptions. Don't let your readers get bored with setting, but make sure that they will know exactly what's happening and where.

However, the plot idea was admirable. I liked it.

Overall, -denouement- got three points!