Eracelli Package

Title
I have nothing bad to say about your title; it's simple and I like it.

Cover
Your cover is very nice (better, in my opinion, than the one you had a while ago with all the blue mist or light and the beveled silver text, etc. etc.). I like how the text can be clearly read (unlike your last cover). The only thing that could be a potential deal-breaker for me is that the dragon looks a touch unrealistic. Of course, the composition is great, so your point value is the same.

Blurb
Your blurb is nice, as well. There's not much to say about it, though it might be a touch too vague for me. Where is the specific conflict? Where is the motivation? In other words, what is Josh fighting for even if he was dragged into the "age-old war" (which needs the hyphen there, by the way)?

*since your story comes in 30 parts, I'll be reviewing four at a time, coming to seven portions of review*

"The Dragon's Scale"-Chapter 1.3
First of all, I must say that you're a touch bit wordy. The "forward-type" first part is long for me, and the first paragraph sounds like you're trying to sell me your story with promises that may or may not be empty. Sell me with your writing, your plot, and your characters. I've opened up your story to read your story, so don't tarry long! But, so I won't tarry, let's get on to the actual writing.

I don't really recommend using the bold, italics, and all-caps for the first sentence of your chapters. Bold, sure, but I don't particularly condone the italics and the all-caps. With the italics, it's okay because if it weren't anything else it would be italicized anyway because they're still part of the specific thoughts of Josh. However, I've never been a fan of all-caps as I feel that italics can add the same emphasis, and if they just don't work for you, then you should be able to reword the phrase to have the emphasis you want because the words exist! In hindsight throughout the months, though, there are exceptions to this opinion of mine depending on the phrasing that was intended. In this case, though, as it's only put there for "decorative" purposes, I'm not calling this an exception. I think that you could just bold it and italicize and it would be fine.

Chapters 2.1-3.2
I actually really enjoyed the big and long fight. You introduce some magical elements and some fighting styles that were creative (especially "Darren" threatening to kill the host body). My biggest complaint would be that you use a ton of simple sentences. This would be fine if it were phrased correctly in a way that makes the writing seem as fast-paced as the scene (establishing the same "anxious" feel that the main character does), but I don't think it does that for me since the fight is a long one that spans over the course of a few chapters. I'd love to see a variety of different sentence structures and beautiful words, and I know you can make it sound nice and still fluent with the fast-paced scene! This issue of simple sentences and description is a consistent issue throughout the whole piece of writing.

For those compiling things, I'm going to start your point value off with a negative one.

Chapters 4.1-5.2
I find it interesting that you named the first Dark Dragon Sheol after the Old Testament name for hell. Great work on the sly allusion. I'm glad I caught it! You get your point back for that, making your total zero.

Something that I think you could do better on is telling us and showing us how Josh feels. You use so much of his narrative voice that we readers don't empathize with him. You don't make us feel what Josh feels; you just tell us or make it easy to infer. Now, I know what you're thinking: What is the problem with that? They know how he feels. Well, the issue I have with it personally is that it doesn't connect us to Josh as well as it could be by placing us in Josh's shoes. Let's take an excerpt from Chapter 4.2 for an example: "'Other creatures?' Oh, great. What was next? Ogres were going to begin raiding the town?" This is a good example of when you use Josh's narrative voice to reveal how he feels. What I would like to see (not particularly in this part; I think the style here is good as is) is feelings. So much is going on in Josh's head as he tries to take in all of this information. Is he nervous about what it might mean? Is he hurt at the fact that his parents have apparently been hiding this from him? You get the idea with that, but what about showing us how Josh feels through his actions? Don't just tell us how he feels or even how he perceives someone else to feel. Give us evidence through actions and let us infer. Does a knot twist itself in his stomach as Cale tells him of a dangerous world? Does his breathing hitch? Does a lump form in his throat? Think of things like that when you write, and it will help readers connect with Josh much better. This is a consistent issue I have with the entire piece, so I'm taking a point off. We're back at square one with negative one.

You said in your author's note that Chapter 4.2 was a big info-dump. I agree. What I don't agree with is that you said it was necessary. Yes, the information might be necessary, but is it necessary to put it all into a block the way it is? I don't know about that. You must not only decide if the information is necessary, but also when the information is necessary. Considering the context of the chapter, I don't think it's needed at that point in time. Think about the context of the entire story as a whole. I think it would do you good, as many books I've read do, if you were to introduce a portion of that information as it comes naturally with the plot and then explain that little portion. Perhaps there's a statue or mural of a dragon not like the others or something of the sort and Josh asks about it. Then you'd explain a little about the Shadow Dragons or something to that effect. I'd say that you should take parts of the whole and explain those parts over time. The readers, I feel (including me), won't be able to remember all that you've told them in this huge block. It's much better to keep the storyline moving and feed them bits at a time. Of course, the bits don't need to be brief by any means, but they should be bits all the same.

Another option for that is to include something to the effect of flashbacks. A character would bring up something natural like in the example from earlier and the story the other character would tell about them would be told in 1) flashback form and 2) in narrative form, meaning a short story in italics, basically.

Whatever you decide, this is definitely something to think long and hard about it. Think about the purpose of your story.

Chapters 5.3-6.3
I feel like you could have done a better job at punctuation variety as well as sentence variety. You use so many commas and only commas! Where are the em-dashes? The semicolons? I was mostly wondering about the em-dashes, and that would add some flair to the way you write. Sometimes it seems flat. Some variety would help it a lot, I think.

Chapters 7.1-8.2
You have a few verb agreement issues (this is the first I've noticed it) with "is" and "are" along with corresponding verbs.

Once again, you tell so much and show so little! There must be a balance. The same complaints keep coming up. For that, I'm taking another point off. You're at negative two.

Chapters 8.3-10.1
I loved the part with Akachi and Josh. The fight was well written, but I would have liked to see more intentional phrasing. What if you made your word choice and sentences faster-paced for a faster feel? What if you utilized rhythm to your advantage to create the rhythm of a fight in real time? I think rhetorical strategies are definitely something to work on for you. You have a story and that's it. It's time to develop it into a piece of literature.

I liked Mara's backstory. Like you mentioned in the author's note, it was good seeing how the dragon world affects Earth in some respect. What I would have liked to read was some more emotional response from Mara or even Cale. Something like her situation sounds sensitive, so why was she so willing to talk about it? Be careful to show and not tell, whether it's tears glistening in her eyes or a strange coldness seeming to freeze her in her place.

However, you got me interested, so I'm giving you a point and making your total a negative one.

Hold it. I could perceive that some time had passed in Chapter 9.1, but I hadn't inferred that it'd been an entire month. I'd suggest making that shift more obvious than it already is.

In the next chapter (9.2), you mention that Josh could see pretty well in the dark because of his bonding with Boomer. I'd like to know what else changed, and I'd have liked to know way earlier than his first field mission! Speaking of Josh's bond, we never got a "culture shock" from Josh concerning his bond (and even the Sanctuary itself with training and classes and floating isalnds and all). Does he feel different? How does he feel about the bond? Does he feel thrown into things? Angry? We don't get to see Josh and Boomer's relationship together other than just with dialogue. I wish you'd focused on developing your characters by showing relationships rather than telling us or skipping over it. It takes away things that could add phenomenal elements to your story.

Aside from the ogre thing, however, I thought Chapter 10.1 was nicely written. The pacing and phrasing could use some work, but the diction was nice and the plot was well thought-out. Good job with that. I liked the twist on possession tied in with Josh and Boomer working together. Plus one point for that! You're at zero once again.

Chapters 10.2-On Hold (Mostly)
I don't know if I enjoyed your description of the ogre. I liked that you tried to make it quick and to the point, but what I didn't enjoy was that you didn't contrast ogres and orcs enough for me. You just said that the ogre was bigger and "somehow" more frightening. You can't let us down with just "somehow," even if it was an unfathomable reason! Elaborate! Give us description! Give us some colorful description. Make us shudder with fear at how much worse the ogre actually was. Don't be mundane, and certainly don't give your readers a rip-off description.

I really enjoyed the aftermath of the fight with the ogre. It was unexpected, and I liked what you twisted it into and what Josh reacted like. The training and the conversation with Mara was a nice touch, and the physical aspect of Boomer was finally put to use! I'd have liked more of Boomer's physicality, though. Does Josh go to Boomer for comfort? Is he too angry to accept any at the moment? Does he touch Boomer's scales or sit between Boomer's tail and soft belly? What are those things like? Use sensory details and imagery more than you already do. He's a dragon. Is Josh not constantly amazed by that? Is he not constantly touching him? We get so much dialogue from Boomer that he's seeming more like the obscure voice he was at the start of the story. Make no mistake that Boomer is a massive beast.

What a twist with Eli and Peter!

And what a twist with the accusation against Mara! Very enjoyable, though I'm sad that you left me on that cliffhanger! Plus three points for those! Those chapters were your best written, and probably your most passionate one. Have I guessed right?

Let's start with some overall notes before we completely, because I know that's what you'll take away the most from this review.

I think it's time to bring up the fact that this story is a slow-burn story. Super slow. It's been twelve whole chapters and the plot has only just begun. From your blurb, it sounds like there's a ton of material left. Don't you think that's a little slow if you're planning on doing just one book? I don't think there's very much content for you to delete, though. I really don't. I just think that maybe you should work on your pacing. It goes by slowly, and maybe that's why I made so many notes about your story reading a bit flatly. You don't have to go faster on everything. I'd like to see the pacing change with the scene. When there are high-energy scenes, try writing it with that high-energy. Phrase it. That's a hard concept to understand and even harder to accomplish, but I know that you can tell exactly what I mean by phrasing your pace. You can do it. Just be intentional about it.

Being intentional with your writing is something for you to start thinking about, as well. Start using rhetorical strategies on purpose. I know you can do it on accident; every writer does. Rhetorical strategies will add an element that "books" don't have. "Literature," on the other hand, does have this element. It's complexity—and complexity in not just word choice or plot or characters or worlds or anything. The writing itself is complex. The way the writing is presented is complex. I think you're ready to start practicing rhetorical strategies and applying them to your story. This plays right along with what I wrote earlier about descriptions and that flatness, as well.

I also question the way that you split up your chapters. It's not that I don't like it separated like that. The only issue I can see you having later involves the overarching chapters ("Chapter 11" includes 11.1, 11.2, and 11.3 all in one, for example). Each "little chapter" (like 1.1) is extremely episodic, meaning that they open with an introduction and end with a cliffhanger or satisfying close. This is all well and good, but how is that going to work with the overarching chapters? You're going to have to connect them better in a publishing manuscript, but I'm sure you know that already. That being said, I'm not going to take away any points for it.

Overall, Cross-Warrior got three points! Your point value, I would say, isn't really about things you did wrong. Your grammar is mostly sound (mostly). Your world-building is great. Your character development is thoughtful, and your plot sounds good as far as I've read. Now, it's about things being desired. We want complexity, we want good pacing, we want vivid imagery—we just want more! There are many things to be desired. You've got a fairly good draft to work with (much better than my first draft would be). Now, it's about writing intentionally (and not dying internally from writing only 500 words as we discussed earlier. :) Nice work!