Eracelli Package

Title
It's pretty vague, to be honest, but it doesn't take away from the good effect your overall regime gives.

Cover
Your cover is beautiful! Did you make it yourself? It's very nice. +1

Blurb
Your blurb is extremely professional. It looks like it could easily be on the back of a paperback. I question the formatting of the colors at the beginning of it, but it's overall very good. I'm impressed! Not many people get points for their blurb. +1 for this!

*since your story comes with 26 parts, I'll be be reviewing your story five parts at a time, coming to five portions of review (I'll be doing six for the parts before the chapters)*

Disclaimer-Part 1
I always question authors that put their blurb word for word in their story. Why do they do that? Do they really want their readers to read their blurbs before reading? The blurb should be complimentary to the story, not essential for it. Besides, your readers have opened your story to read your story. Give it to them! Don't delay! Copyrights, update schedules, and trigger warnings I can understand (even soundtracks, strangely enough), but I can't understand the purpose for putting your blurb in the story itself. There's not really a good reason, and it'll just be something that readers will scroll over. I almost did and would have if I had just been reading for fun (not that reviewing isn't fun). ;)

If the update you gave about rewriting is old, don't forget to take it down. New readers won't care about a new version if they've never read the old. For those accumulating pet peeves of mine, I'm taking away your point.

The prelude is great! I love the style that I'm seeing already and this world that you've already vividly introduced. Nice work. It's mostly void of grammatical errors, but you do have a questionable use of the colon and you don't connect an ellipse to the very next clause...make sure you remember to do that and correct all errors. Make sure you use em-dashes with interruptions and not hyphens, as well. Here are directions for Apple computers:

If you own a Windows computer, I believe it's control and then 0151. I may be wrong. If you're on Google Docs, you can insert a "special character" and search for em-dash. It's the longer one (—).

I kind of wish that for the brief "part 1" piece that you had put a picture or a gif of some sort in there to really set the scene. It's not anything mandatory, but it might add a lot and get your readers excited after all the copyrights and author's notes before the actual story.

Chapters 1-5
Did you mean "serial number" rather than "sole number?"

You write with so much soul it hurts! The emotions you bring are brilliantly and relatable put (although this vividness fades away as the story progresses). Great work with the injections at this part. +1.

Is ipseity really the best word for their acquired talents, a self-disorder by diminishing a person's minimal sense (personal sense of one's own experiences)?

I like how diverse the characters are with these powers (or lack thereof, in Essien's case).

A "sleeveless jacket" is just a vest, correct?

The simulation scene was exhilarating to read, but I wish you had made it just a touch more vivid with your language. Showing and not telling would help in some cases, but it's more of a language thing. Use your words to really paint the scene. This would instill more adrenaline in the readers and would make Marshall's strange memory glimpses and head pains more lifelike, and would make the events before that in the simulation seem like less of a routine for the readers to read. -1 and you're at zero.

I love the subtle hints that you're giving that Marshall is different from the rest of the Projects.

Your writing is captivating, though. I find myself thinking about this world you've created throughout the day when I'm not reviewing it. This is exactly the type of thing that you want. Something this unique is sure to catch the eye of publishers. I seem to be drinking in your writing and thirsting for more! Great job with that. +1.

You would expect Valencia to have a standard American accent since she's from Maine, not a Russian accent. Perhaps her family became immigrants to Maine from Russia, though. It's still questionable without a bit of an explanation. I do love her character though, and I absolutely love her ipseity. That was a creative touch.

Chapters 6-10
Be careful of run-on sentences. "Sometimes you write sentences like this, I don't know why." What I just did in that sentence is incorrect with that comma! I could add a coordinating conjunction with the comma, a semicolon, or an em-dash. I could even split it up into two sentences. Make sure you don't write two independent clauses in a sentence and only put a comma. This is a consistent error, so I'm taking a point off. You're at zero again.

Chapters 11-15
I loved the demonstration of their powers. It was a nice, light touch with dark underlying themes. I enjoyed it a lot.

I liked the twist in Chapter 13 that they don't get to go to another city. It was something that I hadn't expected.

Evaluations! Interesting! And that sound? Very mysterious (however, the games in the Stadium aren't really evaluations, are they?). +2 for those accumulating great things! Your total is two.

Chapters 16-20
I wish we would have gotten a taste of what the games in the Stadium were like more, whether it be Marshall in a game or watching one (although being in the game is much more exciting). You might have done this in your first draft but took it out due to similarities. I'm wondering why the games are needed anyway. I get why you need them for plot, but why does Conway need to put them in the Stadium and make them do the fights?

I loved the intensity with Valencia and Grayson in the cafeteria, and how the events during and after the squabble reveal significant things about almost every character. This was nicely done, and probably my favorite part so far (weird, probably, but it's true). +1 and you're at three.

I've been holding out to say something about this because I was waiting to see all that you had in terms of plot and character, but since I've finished with all that you have, I'm going to say it now. Your plot feels like it's dragging a touch, and there may be too many characters for you to carefully develop.

With the plot, it's moving a bit too slow to be exciting enough. Yes, your story is captivating and exciting, but the overall plot is slow. Really, there are only a few things have happened. The first is that Marshall doesn't remember his past at all, and the second is the demonstration with the twelve Projects. The third is that they were sent back and the teamfights started, with the fourth being the fight with Grayson and Valencia. What's happening underneath everything? Those subtle things that you put in there...that process needs to be greatly accelerated. It's been twenty chapters and nothing quite substantial enough in reference to your blurb has happened.

With the characters, I'm concerned that you're trying to develop too many at once. This may slow the development of the characters that we need developed. I'm also confused about who is a minor character and who isn't out of the twelve. I know that Marshall is the main character, but who are the other ones? Is it all twelve, or are some less important than others that you could shift your focus from? It's a lot to keep track of for you and your readers all at once.

I also wish that you had written with a painter's hand. You should not think so lowly of your piece of writing to call it a story. It is a piece of literature—a form of art! Treat it as one with your words. Portray emotion with such vibrancy that the readers can practically see out of the character's eyes. Paint scenes with such colors that the readers can almost feel it. Write with a sensitivity to this. If you don't, your writing with be plain. Your creativity has helped you a lot with this by making the uniqueness of your idea carry your through dull parts, but it's time for you to take the step up. I can tell that you're ready. I know that you'll be able to do this if you have a mindfulness for it. -1 for all of those because it hadn't affected the reading severely.

Overall, MABWrites got two points! Mostly, your piece is great. You have creative ideas, lovable characters (although not developed quite as much as I had wanted), and a great plan in terms of plot. The things that really killed you were overall execution and just little things. The main thing to work on is improving those great things. Make sure your plot is moving at a good pace. Make sure your character develop at a good pace, too. Execute it! I will definitely be reading on. I anticipate reading the rest of your idea!