Title
Your title is excellent. It invokes a lot of questions, but tells the readers a bit about what your story could be about.

Cover
Fantastic cover! I love all of the little elements in it and the metaphor of the cat, mouse, and maze. The innuendos and feelings that it gives is impressive. Nicely done.

Blurb
Your blurb is great, too. It gives us just enough information to be intrigued, but not too much to be overwhelming. I have all good things to say so far—that's impressive! +2 points for a great start!

*since your story comes in nine parts, I'll be reviewing two at a time, coming to around four portions of review*

Author's Note-Extended Summary
I believe that a lot of your author's note isn't necessary. Taking the unnecessary parts out would make your not much more professional (especially for being a featured story!). I know you want to make yourself seem more personal to your readers (I have no doubt that you are), but unnecessary parts are unnecessary parts. You also don't want to put doubts in your readers' minds by revealing your doubts about your own writing. If you're not confident in what you're writing, they won't be, either. Don't tell us that you trail off and that things ran a bit rampant in your author's note; give us the benefit of the doubt! Give us the chance to accept you as a writer (be aware that this author's note is a reader's very first impression of you, so it's extremely important that you convey yourself the way you want).

I must say that extended summaries have always puzzled me. Why include a summary other than the sole reason that the summary word limit was too short for you? Even then, why not simply shorten it? There's always a way. If you're really questioning why not an extended summary within the story, to that I reply, "What is it your readers have opened up your book for? Another summary?"

I think you get my drift. Readers have opened your story up because of your summary, but not for it. Now is the time when your readers want the story! Give it to them with as little diversion as possible. Extra things like this could turn them away from reading. Or they'll just skip it like I so badly wanted to do, and if they're just going to skip it, then why include it (just for the summary, not the author's note)? Take out what's unnecessary. -1 point for both of those parts and your total is one.

Chapters 1-2
I wonder why you call the first chapter a prelude. Why have it a first chapter rather than a prologue? It doesn't make much sense.

The first thing that I must address is that I applaud you for trying to use semicolons, but they're used incorrectly. Semicolons are used to connect two independent clauses that are directly related to each other with conjunctive adverbs or transitional phrases. Here are two examples:

I love you; you're the only one for me.

I love you; however, your dog is what I'm really here for.

The sentence with the word "however" is the conjunctive adverb one, the word "however" being the conjunctive adverb. In the case that you presented, you wrote this:

They were waiting and antsy in constant motion; detaching and unlatching, repeating and pausing, for the weekly ceremony had yet to begin.

The reason your use of the semicolon is incorrect is because the second clause is dependent. I suppose you could repeat the pronoun and the verb in the second clause to make it correct, but that might disrupt the flow of the sentence. I understand your want of sentence variety in this sentence, though, because it's a bit choppy with all of those commas and words. First of all, the first clause isn't parallel. What I mean by that is that you have a verb and a gerund after the pronoun "they" and then an adjective without another pronoun. The beginning of the sentence suggests a list of gerunds, perhaps, but you give us an adjective. Because of this, our brains read it and get confused because the sentence itself is inconsistent with what we're used to. To avoid this, either make the sentence parallel or add the pronoun "they" and the verb "were" before "antsy" to signify the break of the parallel. Long story short, it would sound better that way. Second of all, aren't detaching and unlatching virtually the same thing in this context? If it's not, then consider a clearer sentence/choice of words. I apologize for the lengthy grammar lesson, but I thought it was necessary. Semicolons are hard to get down and are barely explained at schools today! They can really get confusing, along with sentence structure and maintaining the parallel.

You also have comma errors strewn throughout. They don't really affect the reading experience because they're easy to read past, but incorrectness is incorrectness. Make sure you're using all of your commas incorrectly. It's such an easy mistake to make! I, for one, have issues with too many commas. I've improved a bit, but I still make errors like you. -1 for accumulating grammar and mechanical errors and your total is zero.

I really enjoyed this scene. The cultish aspect was extremely interesting, and the language was admirable. Nicely written, all grammar and structure issues aside. +1 because I liked it so much!

Your dashes (since they're supposed to be dashes and not hyphens) should either be two hyphens or a space, hyphen, and then a space between words. This goes for all of the em-dashes you use. If you actually want to make the em-dash on your computer or whatever you use to type your stories, then I have a few directions to help you. If you're using a Windows computer, then hit alt/option and 0151. Microsoft Word will be the same. If you're on Google Docs, then click on the "Insert" tab and then "Special Chapters." Type in "em-dash" and then click on it to insert it. The shortcut will work just fine on that, too. However, if you're using an Apple computers, use these shortcuts:

Hopefully this helps!

I absolutely loved Chapter 2. The scene was refreshingly original and exciting. I love Dido's character, already. I think you could work on making the setting more vivid to us and making Dido's emotions vibrant, but the overall delivery was great. All of the things to work on are nit-picky. +1 for that and you're at two!

Chapters 3-4
I love the twist in Chapter 3, making things not work out quite the way anyone expected. That's what great writers do. The scene was clear this time, and the conflict and risk implemented into the scene was impressive. Aside from a couple run-on sentences, your grammar and language usage was great. Plan Z was a great idea, a "bomb" of weaponry and bullets rather than explosives. The jewel, too! Very interesting. I've never read anything like it.

I also like your blunt way of writing. You're not afraid to write something if it's gruesome or if it's not something that the readers are expecting/anticipating to happen. This is a good trait, and a style not many people have. I admire it. +1 point and you're at three!

Did Chapter 4 not need a location? Is it still in Bangkok? A Catholic Church in Bangkok doesn't make much sense to me, but I could be wrong. Somewhere else? Even so, a time is needed along with a location for consistency. This goes for the rest of your chapters (except for Chapter 6 (Chapter 6 has a location, but not at the beginning. It makes sense because the beginning location was unknown to Dido).

The metaphor at the beginning of Chapter 4 eluded my understanding. It seems to convey the meaning that the presence of iron sat and watched the events play out. Then it said that iron "leered with a patience in mind" that happened whenever Jon Morgan clocked into work. Am I understanding this correctly? If so, I'd like to know what it means. Weaponry? The iron in blood? The material of the warehouse? Why would it be waiting for something?If I'm incorrect, tell me what you meant. I think you should make this metaphor a bit more clear for readers who are inept in reading your work. ;)

You have a couple fragment errors. They could be placed there for effect (which would make the placement of a fragment totally fine), but if you didn't know you had those in your writing at all, then take a look at them. Decide if they look/sound fine.

Paul Larns' "stutters" sound more like a medical case. Most people don't tend to stutter like that, how the word separates and syllables are repeated. When "stuttering," it's more likely that they repeat a couple words at a time. They'll also talk quickly to try and ensure that nothing happens to them soon. It's an instinct. Something that would also help send this effect would be to make Paul's speech appear less calm. He sounds like he's trying to negotiate something with Morgan rather than offering the only thing he can think of out of desperation. I understand what the intent was, but the effect was lacking. Faster-paced dialogue and repeated phrases would help with this. -1 point for accumulating errors and you're at two.

I did like Chapter 4, however. The change of character made us anticipate Dido's story even more, and the additional character of Jon introduced something new and exciting. Wise move. +1 and you're at three!

Chapters 5-6
The third paragraph has a strange sentence in there that needs some tweaking to make sense (and to be grammatically and mechanically correct).

Jon seeing his father is an interesting twist. It develops Jon's character very well.

It should be "back and forth," not "in."

Did Jon lie about those drug names or was he truly confessing? It's a bit unclear to me. Also, did you mean to make up those drug names? Was it because Jon was lying or did he actually take those drugs that don't exist in our world?

It's surprising to me that Father Morgan would swear in a church, but I suppose sometimes emotions get the best of us. Perhaps Jon could be surprised by this, or perhaps the lack of surprise reveals something about his childhood home life. Interesting.

The metaphor at the end of that chapter with the muck was confusing to me. The muck as in the chilly air? Why would it watch? Then with the curling up I was also confused. Did the muck curl up? The subject of these metaphors is unclear. -1 for accumulating errors and you're at two.

I like how Jon's character in this chapter contrasts his character in the last like black and white. It really gives him depth. It's quite a nice touch along with his unusual relationship with his father. I'm interested to see what the medicine is for, as well. +1 and you're at three!

However, there are a couple of issues I have with it. The first and foremost is that you have some tense problems. That is, you switch suddenly from past to present tense. The general rule is to stick with one (of course, there are several exceptions, but in this chapter, I would stick with one). The second issue is that I think you could have made Chapter 5 more vivid. The setting was a bit fuzzy in my mind from a lack of sensory descriptions. You describe that things were there and where they are, but you don't describe them. You don't describe how Jon could see his miserable face staring wearily back at him, reflected ruddy from the mahogany lacquer. You don't describe that the moonlight shone through the colored mosaic of icons as a chill snaked itself through Jon's clothing. You see? Sight is one of the most boring senses to read and write about. Yes, it's absolutely necessary! But the other senses, though not entirely necessary? make your writing vibrant and alive when used correctly and effectively. This goes for all of your writing. It's not the content of the storyline, but how the author uses it.

The first mention of Dido's specific, italicized thoughts don't have any accent like her speech aloud does. The second mention did a bit better at this, but the first really sounded American to me. This goes for her speech, too. In Chapter 1, it was heavily accented. In this Chapter, it sounds like the English you and I know.

We've never really been told who Stan is, and I can't recall if you ever said that Stan was there or on standby in Chapter 1. I can infer that he's an associate of some sort, but I don't remember or know much else. If you did say, then it's totally my fault. ;)

I'm confused. So it looked like Stan, actually wasn't, and then was Stan? Dido's thought process is unclear and therefore ours is, too.

And that's where you leave me! I have a few overall things to discuss. The first is that the Ghosciety wasn't even mentioned once. Yes, there was a Ghost Chauffeur, but I don't even know what that means! The culture of this futuristic (a guess) world is not represented at all except for the fact that whites are rich (who would've guessed, am I right?). Dido's organization or mission is unclear, too. We don't know the jewel's significance or why anyone would steal artifacts, if this is a reoccurring thing around the world with others, why this type of theft is suddenly the "trend" in thievery, or anything. Who is she associated with and why is she doing all of this stuff? Yes, you could be planning to reveal it later and you've given us measly glimpses of these things, but know that right now (after six parts) that's what I don't know (along with much more about Dido). Speaking of six parts, not very much happened. Dido's mission went wrong with the jewel, she got kidnapped, and escaped to continue the mission. Jon tortured someone and went to his father's church for medicine. That's it. With the chapters of Jon concerning information us readers don't know, we don't know why he does what he does, why he needs the medicine, what he wants and why he's torturing people, and more about his character. I think you're getting the picture. Make sure you're aware of what your readers know so that you don't leave them in the dust to infer everything. The second thing is that race is a little bit unclear. Dido is obviously colored, but in what way? Is Jon white? If not, then what? The primary issue I'm seeing with your writing is a lack of clarity. Work on it! Be aware! Perhaps having a reader or two who are willing to give feedback after every new chapter would help. Perhaps you'd want to write what you know your readers will know that far. I tend to get caught up in my own assumptions too, so it's not an uncommon, terrible problem to have. The secondary problem is grammar and mechanics, but those are minor compared to the clarity issue. -1 for all of those accumulating errors.

Overall, calmingfire got two points! Aside from there only being nine parts, an accumulation of little things killed your point value. The primary problem was a lack of clarity. Everything else was either grammar, mechanics, or something else—very nit-picky. That being said, I loved Dido's parts and was mildly interested in Jon's part. Your style is new and your idea is refreshing. You are extremely creative and talented in this. You could set an important precedent for future writers by finishing and publishing this!

Also, thank you for applying for a review. It was an honor to receive an application from the author of a Featured piece of writing—even more so to have the opportunity to review it! I hope I have been of some assistance to you!