Eracelli Package

Note: I have reviewed this story before. Have changes been made? Is it any better than the last time I reviewed it?

Title
Once again, your title is creative and interesting, but I still fail to see how it pertains to the story. Even if it did pertain to the story, the title by itself doesn't say anything about the plot. It's pretty vague.

Cover
I really like the first cover! Although I would have put the subtitle on the bottom of the title for a better symmetry, the overall composition is nice, and the text is easy to read.

I love the second cover better yet, though it looks way less "supernatural adventure" than the first.

Blurb
Your blurb has a few issues. Though the grammar is actually decent (besides forgetting an "and" at the end of the list), the biggest problems I found were in the content of the blurb. First of all, you have your "standard girl" trope. Now, I don't particularly like this trope. Why? Because it's boring, cliché, and everyone knows it. Besides—no one is "ordinary" (especially Victoria, who starts out extraordinary in that she hasn't discovered her powers and then discovers she is something entirely different than what she thought—she isn't ordinary throughout the entire book)! Second of all, who in their right mind has an "I hate the world" stage? I don't think you can label it as that. Sure, your character can be stereotypically broody, but I don't think having that "phase" part in there is going to get you any new readers. Third of all, the biggest issue I had with your blurb was the vagueness. Things like, "but could it be more?" and "secrets will be revealed" don't really tell me about what your story is going to be about. I know that your main character is taken prisoner by someone who hates the world from a war apparently. Then some stuff happens, I guess? Where's the conflict? Where's the major plot arc? Overall, what is the issue this story tries to resolve? You're not giving me much material to decide if I want to read this, and it looks like you forgot the whole "what is Victoria" that seems to be the biggest mystery in your entire book.

*since your story comes in twenty-two parts, I will be reviewing four at a time, coming to six portions of review*

Preface–Chapter 2
I'm really glad that your preface was brief. Congratulations! You have pleased me.

I was less pleased, however, to see that you had a "cast list" type of situation going on in the second part. I don't remember if you had this last time, but it's there now and I'm going to tell you to take it out no matter how painful it might be. Your readers will never remember this as they read, for one (I definitely did not). It's too many characters to keep track of, and many of them won't even be introduced until later. This information seems irrelevant before starting the story. Secondly, it is the author's job to describe their characters within the actual story. You should be describing as you go, not dumping it all on the readers in the beginning. It's nice to know that you have it all planned out, but I would advise you to either make it your own private list or just delete it altogether. There's no good point to it that I can think of.

Okay, so—the poem. While it was poetic and had an old touch to it, which I liked, there were some weird things that 1) I had trouble understanding and 2) may be incorrect. First on the list is this word you used: "beest." Though this word is sort of legitimate (stemming from the actual Old English word "bist"), this particular word is supposed to be used in the second-person singular simple present tense. Make sure that's true, though "beest" is really not a well-known word. You may want to just change it so that your readers can understand the entire poem thing better. The second thing is that you can only add the suffix "eth" to verbs. There are a couple instances that you added it to the object of a prepositional phrase, which is incorrect. Overall, I get what you're trying to do, but it may be too hard for your readers to understand as is even without the mistakes I listed above. You may want to "dumb it down" just a touch while still maintaining that Early Modern English feel (yes, not Old or Middle English—Shakespeare-like English). Let's move on to the actual story though, shall we?

The first thing I see is no punctuation at the end of a lot of your lines of dialogue. I know I told you this last time! Sometimes you have punctuation and sometimes you don't (also, tip: you can only end dialogue with a comma if there's a tag like "he said" etc. after it). This is likely your most consistent error throughout your entire story, so I'm taking a point off for it. Your total is negative one.

The second thing I see is a lot of grammatical errors. You misuse a semicolon once or twice, you're missing some commas near participial phrases, and you have some run-on sentences. It's actually not as frequent as last time, so kudos for that, but the issues are still prevalent.

You have some verb tense issues, too. If you plan on writing your story in present tense, almost every single verb in there has to be present tense. I shouldn't see any past tense, to say the least.

I don't know where the mask came from. Make sure you're thinking about what your readers do and don't know.

Also, why does Victoria want to go into battle so badly? Spite? I'm having more trouble understanding because she gets afraid as soon as she steps on the battlefield. Why would she be so eager to go into battle if she was afraid before even starting to fight? Why does she want it so badly? I'd like just a touch more explanation.

Keep in mind the difference between "fill" and "feel."

After Victoria makes it to the beautiful valley, their enemies charge at them, which in turn leads Victoria's side in a classic "Charge!" My problem with this lies in how it was presented: "CHARGE!!!"

The bold, italic, and all-caps along with three exclamation points in a row really put this phrase over the edge for me. It's unnecessary to have the bold, for one thing. Authors don't generally use bold for emphasis. Secondly, the all-caps is something I definitely don't think is very professional. I've come across few examples that are actually viable with all-caps. I don't think your case is one of those examples. The italics is absolutely fine, but the third thing to say is that two (or more) exclamation points—or end-marks of any kind, for that matter—is a bit of a no-no nowadays. This is also one of your most consistent errors.

Sometimes things like "sadly" and putting things in parentheses within your narrative voice can sometimes have sarcastic connotations. I don't know if you're aware of this, but if you don't mean it, change it.

I would have loved more specifics in terms of why Victoria wants to be in battle, more elaboration on how she wants to be like her mom.

Your victorious pun takes away from the mood of the scene, which is very serious and emotional for Victoria if I read it correctly.

Woah, a huge tense error! You completely changed your verb tenses from past to present. You need to stick with one in general. Switching from past to present randomly is definitely not something we're allowed to do.

That label that you said that Victoria lost from killing people—that she was weak and useless, a disgrace, etc.—was interesting. I would have liked more about that. I'm taking another point away for all of those accumulating errors. Your total is negative two.

The battle itself, despite everything I've already said, is fairly well-written, fight scenes filled with adrenaline and survival instinct making me want to read on. For that, I'm giving you that point back. Your total is negative one.

Again with the bold and all-caps and double punctuation marks ("NOOOOOO!!"). That phrase is exactly how I feel when I read that. It's unnecessary in my opinion.

Now we're going to talk dialogue because I can't go on without explaining the difference between dialogue and action tags. A dialogue tag is when the action refers to what is being said (i.e. "he asked"). When punctuating this, you have a comma (not including exclamation points, ellipses, em-dashes, and question marks) at the end of the spoken line and the first word of the dialogue tag lowercase (exceptions being proper nouns, of course). Here's an example:

"Hey, reader," I said.

Now, an action tag does not refer to the dialogue (i.e. "he rubbed his hands together"). A period will go at the end (same exceptions), and the first word of the tag is thus capitalized. It's like this:

"Hey, reader." I rubbed my hands together. "Let's review some grammar."

This is a consistent issue throughout your piece, so I'm taking a point away. Your total is negative two.

All of that was from the first chapter. I think I got a lot of the grammatical errors out of the way, but there were a few things that pertain to Chapter One specifically. Those are things to focus on in that chapter. Overall, though, I think you did better than last time. Good job on improvement. For that, I'm giving a point! Your total is negative one.

Let's move on to the second chapter.

Why would the cracked and peeling walls reveal that Victoria was in the forest still?

The point-of-view switch from Victoria to the search party should have been separated from each other (*** line-breaker or something similar).

Note that specific thoughts have the same rules as dialogue (see above for tag information).

The same thing goes for every point-of-view switch you have. They should be separated with line-breakers. Try not to make the switches too often in one chapter.

Chapters 3-6
I understand why "boundaries" is capitalized, but why is it italicized every time?

The thing I'm having the most trouble understanding right now is the world you've built in this story. I can't discern the timeline where you mean to write in or how this world works (is it ours or a different world with our world's tech and principles, etc.?). I don't know what the range is for "supernaturals," either (only vampires, werewolves, and witches—or more?). And what's up with Blood City? Is it protected? Why do the houses start out with ancient architecture and get more modern? I think you have the answer to all of these things. However, you may have forgotten that your readers weren't given those answers. Be aware of what your readers do and do not know. I would have loved a contrast to where Victoria lives, too.

Concerning the description of Blood City and the palace they went into, you used the word "huge" a ton. Synonyms are your best friends!

Wait. You mean to tell me that Victoria had no idea she was Jason's prisoner this whole time? I don't really buy it. How could she not have known?

It seems like you'd written this story from Victoria's point of view (first person) and switched it but forgot to switch a few parts ("you do not want to know what I ate" from Chapter 5 is where I got this from, but I believe there were a few other instances like it).

When you write internal thoughts (the ones you put in italics), they should be written from the point of view of the character thinking it (use "I," "me," etc.).

As a reminder, I recommend not using all-caps. For those accumulating errors, I'm taking a point away. Your total is negative two.

Chapters 7-10
In Chapter 9, you switched to Liz's point of view. However, you've been writing this whole story from Victoria's point of view. I don't recommend that type of inconsistency (for whole chapters).

Chapters 11-14
In Chapter 11, you use "I" as the narrative, as if you were speaking for yourself outside of the story (when speaking about Mrs. Rider).

Kypellix (I couldn't get the accent on the "y") reminds me of the capture the flag game from Rick Riordan's "Percy Jackson and the Olympians" series. Did you base it off of that? It's very similar, almost suspiciously so. Why not add your own twists beside some goblets?

The game was great! Exhilarating descriptions and nice action! Plus one point! Your total is negative one.

Ah. So Chapter 13 is not revised. That makes sense because you should definitely take out the flashback situation at the very top with the author's note and the emojis. It's so short that I think it's unneeded, especially because their "plan" didn't even work (which makes me wonder why the plan is even in there).

In Chapter 14, Victoria says something like "I know what you're thinking." I don't recommend using "you" while in your narrative voice.

Chapters 15-18
In Chapter 15, you shouldn't use so many explanation marks. The rule I go by is one at a time. That's it! No more! None of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope you get the point. If you really want more excitement in what you're saying, try italics or describing things better.

In Chapter 16, why would Victoria taste the dirt? That makes no sense to me. Minus one point for accumulating errors, and your total is negative two.

That being said, Chapter 16 has been my favorite by far. You have some good fight scenes and the development of Victoria's character and the twists with Zack and even Jason were a nice touch. Plus, besides the obvious all-caps bolder text (mostly spells), your grammar improved! Plus one! Your total is negative one.

I noticed a semicolon error in Chapter 17. I seem to recall more of those from earlier, so let me enlighten you. Semicolons are used to separate independent clauses—not dependent. Feel free to comment if you'd like more elaboration. I'd love to help!

I've also noticed throughout the story that you have a bit of inconsistency with your dashes. I think you know what to do with the em-dashes (interrupters and the like), but I'm not sure if you know how to format them. Em-dashes look like this: —. Compared to the hyphen, "-," the em-dash is much longer. You can either use two hyphens to signify the em-dash or you can figure out how to type the em-dash on whatever device you use (typing the actual character "—" is what I recommend). You may have to look it up as it's most likely a keyboard shortcut using a combination of keys like on my laptop (a MacBook Pro that combines Shift, Option, and the hyphen key).

Wow. Despite Victoria not killing Zack, she ended up killing other students on accident with her fire spell? Nice twist! I like it, so I'm adding a point. Your total is zero points.

Chapters 19-20
In Chapter 19, you don't need to say "wholly in her slumber" while in the italicized text of the dream. The italics lend itself to the fact that she's dreaming, and you already said she fell asleep.

You misuse colons a lot in the dream. You can't use colons just to separate fragments that have nothing to do with the previous clause. In the first misuse, you connect it to something about lights? That grammatically makes no sense to me, so I don't know how to fix that for you. In the second misuse, a comma is what you should have used instead of a colon.

Also, you shouldn't describe what Victoria does outside of the dream (as in "she thrashed...") in the italicized dream. Stick it to the dream.

One more thing: I don't know about you, but I'm definitely not self-aware when I dream, meaning I have no idea I'm in a dream when I'm dreaming. How can Victoria know that she's dreaming?

How did the lights turning on make everything darker?

"...she almost swallowed her tongue" makes no sense to me. Why and how...? I'm subtracting a point for that. Your total is negative one.

Chapter 20 was entertaining and exciting to read, and the cliffhanger you left me on was great! I really liked the way you tied in the Artemis prophecy type thing with the transformation (although you really should stop holding stuff). Nice chapter. I enjoyed it. I'm adding two points for that because I loved that you tied in previous things into the conflict of what Victoria is and I enjoyed the way you wrote it.

Overall, BlazinPhoenix got one point! All in all, you fixed many things that I pointed out in your last review. For that, I commend you. Nice work on wanting to improve! It definitely paid off for me. There were a few things mentioned in the last review that you didn't fix that I mentioned again, though, so make sure you fix those things!

In terms of grammar, I would still recommend using an online grammar-checker like Grammarly.com and I definitely recommend proofreading/revising before publishing chapters. Aside from consistent grammatical errors, there were many typos.

Speaking about plot, I have trouble understanding the logic of it. First of all, why does Jason care for Victoria and spend money on her schooling and clothing if she is her prisoner? And why doesn't Victoria try to constantly escape at first before she realizes that the people of Blood City treated her better than her home clan? That really doesn't make sense to me. That's the one thing that's the most unrealistic. I also don't understand how Rio and his group didn't show up at Blood City that whole time. You had one POV shift to him showing us readers that he was looking for Victoria, but then there was nothing. What happened? Another thing is that Victoria got over her father's death really quickly. Although you did add more grief than last time, I'd like more over the course of many, many chapters. I also think you sort of changed your plot idea throughout the course of writing "Nexus." At first, the whole story was about Victoria being Jason's prisoner. The more I read, the more it became about discovering what Victoria is. If you were to stick with knowing what Victoria is, you could have easily taken out the entire war part. If you still want both, you really have to make it about both constantly. There'd be no choosing.

I'm very glad you've improved from last time. Do it again!