Cetador Package
*since your story comes in seven parts, I'll be reviewing two at a time, coming to about three portions of review*

The Truth of the Matter–Chapter 1
The first thing I see is some decent imagery—and a noun that should be possessive. It could be a typo, but keep an eye out for those!

Also, ellipses should be connected when connecting it to part of the same sentence...like so. It's not... like this. Notice how the correct way has "like" lowercase. That should be the case with all but proper nouns.

I like the ending! The premise you've established in this first part combined with the premise you've established in the blurb is vibrant, your style ominous and foreboding. I like it so far. I'm interested to see if you keep this style throughout your piece. I'm adding a point for that. Your total is one.

Overall, this part also feels more like a prologue than a "sneak peek". And since you've posted chapters after that, I suggest you label it as such. Let's move on to the first chapter.

So far, the "prologue style" is still there in italics, which I like. I think that is the virtual reality that you mentioned in the blurb, and I like that it's already being used and that it's already prevalent.

I spot a run-on sentence. Comment for clarification in terms of fixing this common writer's error. Many struggle with the same thing! I'll be glad to help.

Hm. I wish there had been a better transition between the part in the italics and the part in regular text. If it was intentional not to have it in italics, then I lost the meaning behind why you chose to do it that way. I can sense the italics having to do with the virtual reality thing, but I can't tell what the italics I referring to—or who it's referring to (the main character? The old woman?). Looking back on this after reading the entire first chapter, you seemed to imply that your character could see into minds, or read them, or something...? Even if I'm wrong, or even if you didn't mean that, clarity is needed.

I also spot a fragment. Once again, comment for further clarification and assistance fixing fragments.

It should be "anyway", not "anyways".

There! I just finished your first chapter (it was pretty short, by the way, something not recommended for full-length stories). For some reason, whether because of the style or because of the way you chose to write this chapter, it felt more like a sneak peek than the prologue. It felt like an excerpt that you'd choose to post on social media when advertising your story. The style that you write in also feels almost like a free verse story with all the one-line paragraphs. Your story would read better if you'd combine corresponding lines into bigger paragraphs. It's easier on the eyes and easier on your flow the more variation you put in terms of paragraph length, sentence length, and sentence structure (for instance, starting every sentence with a noun will start to get boring even if the plot is exciting because it's the same pattern over and over again). 

Furthermore, I suggest delving more into your character and into the scene. As a first chapter, your job is to connect the character with the readers in some way and establish conflict. You established the conflict, but I think your characterization needs more thought. 

There are a few more things about this first chapter, the primary thing being the lack of clarity I found in this chapter. I understand it's only the first chapter, but I shouldn't be confused enough to confuse this chapter with a prologue. Prologue confusion is normal, but first chapters have to really be careful not to get too unclear to read. The more information you withhold from your reader, the higher the chance becomes for them to put your book down. You didn't leave too much out this chapter, but the whole tone was extremely vague (which was why it felt like a prologue/sneak peek/free verse).  For all of those things, I'm taking away a point. Your total is zero. 

Chapters 2–3

The "said apple" seems unnecessary. We already know it's the apple previously mentioned, so "it" would be more appropriate.

The use of emojis in front of the "link" (which deceived me and I clicked on it lol) and the yes/no thing looks pretty nice. Make sure narration between formatting isn't still centered. 

I just went ahead and read the rest of this second chapter. I like Mathis' character okay so far. He's untethered to "real life", and yet something seems to be at the back of his mind even as he rests comfortably in the virtual reality. I liked that readers can see more about what virtual reality is truly like in your world, things like "glossy red" and "blinding green" a nice touch to your descriptions. I'll give you a point for that! Your total is one.

Once again, paragraph length is a bit of a concern, repetitive patterns in your writing structures making the writing less exciting to read. Chapter length is something to consider, as well. Let's move on to the next chapter.

Ah—a semicolon misusage. Semicolons have to purposes: to separate independent clauses and to void comma confusion. The first is the most common, and something that many make mistakes in. The two clauses that semicolon separates must be independent clauses. "I love you; you make me happy" and "I love you; however, you annoy me sometimes" are examples. With the comma confusion, sometimes commas can become saturated in writing. They are used for so many different things that they often get overused. Some people turn to the semicolon to solve this, but they usually use it incorrectly. The most common "comma confusion" thing semicolons are used for is certain lists, like if you were to list some cities and their states. "I've been to Atlanta, Georgia; Dallas, Texas; and Minneapolis, Minnesota" is an example. Things outside of these are usually incorrect. Semicolons can sometimes be a grey area for writers really looking to grammatically challenge themselves, but a good course of action is to avoid that grey area and use it when you absolutely know it's correct.

I finished another chapter. Connecting your two characters right in the second chapter was a good idea, and implementing that connection even further in your third chapter was an even better one. I wish there could have been more characterization of Katerine, more intentionality in the scene. Pacing could have made the scene more emotional and heart-stopping to read, for instance, fluctuating speeds of your writing to accomplish feelings of adrenaline as she's chased into the sewers. This chapter has a lot more potential than you've been using! Moving on.

Chapters 4–6

It looks like a lot of your descriptions are broken up into short paragraphs, and the separation doesn't make sense a lot of the time. Why not put the description of the virtual scenery in one paragraph before saying your character indulges in it? 

The scene with Mathis' parents is distant to readers because we're not placed in the scene. You tell us that things are happening, but we don't see it before our very eyes (like the argument between the mother and the father before Mathis' father speaks to him). Placing readers in the scene will help them connect to your story better. Although hooking the readers at the beginning has a special importance, continually hooking readers with things like plot, characters, and even the writing itself is extremely important, as well.

The information about the engineers could use some smoothing out in terms of fluency with the context of the situation. I like that you wanted to include that in this chapter for sure—some concrete world-building will satisfy readers' thirst for answers—but I felt like the way it was done could be better. 

Overall, this chapter has a lot of unused potential. I can see it going to many different ways. Length seems to be something you struggle a bit in, so don't be afraid to write more and more! Don't be afraid of climbing word counts when adding important things like specificity and fluency to your writing as long as each chapter's word count is fairly consistent (personally, my story has chapters with a word count between 2,000–2,500 words; the important thing is keeping the range throughout). Let's move on to the next chapter. 

And we're back in the sewers! You have a good style. If I were to describe it, it'd be almost a "good intention" of a style. You have all the right things in place: mindset, vision, etc. However, this adrenaline-filled scene is lacking variety, I believe. A lack of variety is something I've noticed throughout your entire work. Variety is super important because it interests readers no matter the scene. If you start every sentence with a noun, for instance, things will easily become dull. The same thing happened with this chapter because the same structures and patterns kept repeating, and my mind wanted something different and refreshing! I think you're ready to start writing with this sort of intentionality. 

Speaking of intentionality, I think you were making your paragraphs and sentences short to try and accomplish a good sense of pacing. Because it's a scene full of action, "speeding up" the writing by shortening things is a good way to make readers feel the adrenaline and the panic themselves. Not only will your readers empathize with your characters' situations because of what's happening in the plot, but they'll feel the quickness by reading "quick" writing. However, I think that when you tried to experiment with pacing, that lack of variety ensued (which is a common problem!). With pacing, I try and limit how much I do. I always keep an eye out for repeating structures in my writing. Otherwise, I know it will get boring no matter what scene I'm writing!

The lack of clarity in terms of what's going on with Katerine's mind-reading thing is a bit off-putting. 

Adjectives that describe other adjectives exist, and we use hyphens in between them to indicate that the first adjective isn't describe the noun! Things like "he's a world-famous singer" as opposed to "there's a small, gray mouse" should be kept in mind.

When you have clauses connected using the word "and" and the verb is done by the same subject, you don't need a comma. "He sat on the couch and watched television" as opposed to "he sat on the couch, and watched television" is important to remember (the first example is the correct example). For all of those things, I'm taking a point away. Your total is zero. 

After this, I went ahead and read the rest of Katerine's chapter. Once again, it has so much potential! There are so many opportunities you could have taken by lengthening it, by exploring your characters and your world and your immediate plot—and it would have strengthened your story in beautiful ways! Moving on.

The next chapter cements the connection between the two characters and proves what we thought Katerine did in the previous chapter: she linked her mind to his and controlled him briefly. I really like how you connected their emotions. The feelings Mathis felt from Katerine let readers know how Katerine feels, which is really interesting. I'll give you a point for that. Your total is one point.

That being said, although this chapter was good, I still think there could be more. More intentionality, more exploration, more experimentation...more words...etc.

Overall, Aslan_Lives got one point! You're ready to take your writing to the next level, I think, which is intentionality and length. There were only a few grammatical things. Variety is super important and will help you keep readers interested way more than you think it will. Length and intentionality will help your story read like a published book, making things flow better and connect better. You're ready for it. I hope this can be the push that'll spur you to do it!