Cetador Package (payment)

Worries: execution of plot fail and writing not so great as time goes on

Chapter One
The first thing I see is an isolated participial phrase, which is impossible to have as a stylistic fragment. Therefore, it's incorrect. All you have to do to fix it is change the -ing verb to a verb in past tense.

The second thing I see—stepping away from the actual plot at the moment—is a run-on sentence, which is comprised of two independent clauses and is usually missing a coordinating conjunction (although some people miss the commas, too). If you see two clauses that can stand alone, you must put a coordinating conjunction and a comma, a semicolon instead of the comma, or an em-dash instead of the comma. If you'd like more clarification, comment below.

Keep in mind the difference between "then" and "than."

Other than those things, you present a pretty compelling world filled with prejudice, separation, and apparent fear of authority (although both deities Tiamat and Bahamut are from Dungeons and Dragons according to my research as I knew the names sounded familiar—is this fan fiction, or...?). As far as I can tell, it's unique and interesting. Although your style could use some spicing up (which I'll talk about a little later), you've interested me enough to make me want to go on.

Since you have both negative and positive elements in this chapter, they balance each other out. No points will be given or taken for this chapter.

Chapter Two
Chapter Two, though less exciting, characterizes Calix a lot more in a different lens than being a victim and an outcast, which I enjoyed. He was curious, intelligent—his own individual. I liked that. The new character, Kase, was also enjoyable with his warm spirit and nurturing personality so far. 

What I liked less about this chapter than the previous one was the level of interest it gave me. I understand why the plot would be less interesting considering the context, but the writing itself should still be interesting to read for me (who loves to appreciate literary devices!). The prose was lacking variety and poise, which is something for blossoming writers to master with hard work. 

Something you can strive for in the future, for example, is sentence variety. You usually write sentences starting with nouns, for instance, and there are hardly any punctuation marks in the middle like dashes and whatnot. Did you know you can start a sentence with a form of every part of speech (participles or gerunds as "verbs," nouns as nouns, and so on)? I used to play a game where each number of a die was a different part of speech that I would start the next sentence with as a writing exercise to try and write with more variety. With that same game, I corresponded the numbers with type of sentence, too (simple, compound, etc.). While you certainly don't have to do that for an actual story, it might be a good tool to use for random writings or just practice in general. 

Once again, the pros and cons of this chapter balance point value out. No points as of yet, once again.

Chapter Three

There was a voice in Chapter Three "translating" Kase's English or whatever language it is to Calix—at least, that was what I gathered from it—that you spent one paragraph on, dismissing it as some type of blessing from Bahamut. Well...I think you need to elaborate a lot more on that. Is it strange to Calix? Miraculous? Does this type of thing go on a lot in the world of your story? Why would Calix believe it's a blessing from Bahamut? Even readers who have already been immersed in your world should get more of a taste of this "voice," I think, even if it does turn out to be Imago's doing. I believe this is a flaw in your world-building, which you were doing a pretty good job of in the last chapter with sacrifices, deities, species, etc. 

I love Imago's character, by the way, though I would have loved a brief insight into who this legend is. Readers like me without any context may have trouble reading through it (if this is a prequel, perhaps that won't be a problem, but readers may want to read the prequel before the actual story—if it's not supposed to happen, perhaps putting something in the blurb would serve you well). 

The introduction of Imago brings me to my next world-building point: species. So far, there are five types of intelligent creatures in your world. You have the deities Tiamat and Bahamut, which are like dragon gods as far as I know. You have dragon hybrids like Calix who seem to have scales, but other than that, I know nothing about what they are or what they look like. You have the humans like Kase, of course. And then you have the Dragonborn, which I could try and guess on what they are from the wings and the name, but I'm not sure. And then you have Imago, a dragon, whose species seems to be rare—especially red, for some reason. That's all I know. I have a pretty good idea about what dragons look like, I know what Tiamat and Bahamut look like from research (even though readers don't need to know it at this point), and I certainly know what humans look like. However, dragon hybrids and Dragonborn are uncharted waters from me. All I know is scales and wings. I'd love a bit more description of features to keep me going since it's only Chapter Three. Intricacies like origin of creatures, culture, and other physical features can be explained later as I don't feel the need to know. However, my visualization needs some more help! 

Imago's reputation needs some elaboration, too. A title like his precedes him and your readers. I need more context!

Here, again, the pros and cons balance each other. No points will be given or taken.

Chapter Four

Chapter Four was strewn with foreshadowing and vague world-building. The foreshadowing was fine, but the world-building was too vague for me to follow, including the Dragonborn who apparently can shift between dragon-like and humanlike forms (if I read into that correctly). I had a hard time following the breeds and also the roar from Tiamat in a temple somewhere (?). 

I think you should put Imago's dialogue in italics only if he's truly speaking in one's mind all the time. If it's aloud, then no italics and just quotation marks. If it's all in the mind, then have it in italics only. 

Why did Imago call him by his Draconic name instead of the name Kase gave him?

Referring to the first several paragraphs before the time-break, I think some specification is needed in terms of how much time passed by as well as a few other things. The primary question I find myself asking concerns the motivation that Caeruleus has for learning language and such. Why teach him? And why not question why they teach him? And why be willing to learn at all? What is the point? Those questions should be answered, even if the answers are brief. The secondary thing I would like to see is more parallels back to Calix's old life. 

In both areas where you skip over a lot of time with your words (skipping over teaching time and skipping over after seeing the future), even more variety is needed to make it as interesting as possible.

I believe you should consider looking into a way to make your time-skips clearer to see.

Pressing enter twice like this and like you did is something many published books do, but Wattpad formatting (without indentation etc.) makes it hard to see and pick up on. For this reason, consider putting something in there to make it easy to follow. 

I use this one for my own story, The Fourth Piper:

You could even use something simple like centered bullet points:

• • • • • •

Here, however, a point will be subtracted since the cons outweigh the pros. Your total is negative one.

Chapter Five

Oh, I enjoyed Chapter Five. The brief fight was well-done, and the scene with Tiamat and Aurum was great. My only complaint, still, is that the world-building was hard to follow for me, a reader without any context of D&D and so on and so forth. It's the same issue I had before, but the scenes themselves were scenes I enjoyed very much. For that, plus one point. Your total is zero.

Overall

Your story is a high context culture in itself, meaning someone without the knowledge of book one in the world this story is set in would have a hard time following the world-building like I did. Although your story may be a prequel, readers may want to read the prequel before the actual story. If that's not supposed to happen, you might want to put something in your blurb.

Something else for you to consider is that your style of writing could use some spicing up. You tend to use writing that is more simple than complex, tending to start sentences with nouns/pronouns. Consider changing structure, length, and starting words up for more variety. Your grammar is mostly very sound; the prose itself is a bit dry to read, which is something I think you mentioned being worried about. 

You also mentioned to be worried about the execution of the plot. I think some more world-building (especially concerning the sacrifice with the breed cleansing as that's what it seems to be) could do you some good in this regard, but besides the dream with Tiamat and the foreshadowing presented by Imago's future-reading, I didn't get immersed in enough plot to be able to tell if you executed it nicely. 

I enjoyed reading and reviewing your story. You have a firm foundation. It shouldn't be too much work to refine your writing! 

Point Total

TheConfusedTurtle got zero points!