Eracelli Package

Title
I don't quite understand why the title is capitalized that why, but I'm sure it has something to do with your world.

Now that I've read all of it (I only reviewed some, though), you capitalized Abnormal I very inconsistently. Sometimes it's "Abnormal", sometimes it's "AbNormal", and I've seen it as "Ab(normal)". Pick one and stick with it so it's consistent.

Cover
Your cover has good concepts but a poor execution, in my opinion. It has elements that could fit, but they don't fit seamlessly. They don't quite fit. The font doesn't fit the grave atmosphere that the picture seems to want to convey. The color scheme is also jarring and makes the text hard on the eyes. The purple, white, black, and red don't exactly go together in such vibrant forms. The flower, for instance, is such a dark purple that it doesn't stand out. I'd suggest combining elements and choosing a better aesthetic. A different font and a more seamless design would make your story look much more professional.

Blurb
Adding an interesting quote from your story in your blurb is an easy cheat to entice readers. However, it's just that: a cheat. Whenever I see a blurb with a quote at the top, I assume that the author doesn't want to try too hard at a blurb because they're hoping the quote is good enough to interest readers.

The actual blurb is a bit rough. Without sentence variety, smoothness, and characterization, your blurb sounds mechanical and without color. The information given is blocked and needs fluency, whereas some things give the wrong impression and are corrected later (the Abnormal "rainbow-colored hair" is actually just saying that people have one natural color of hair that isn't a typical color, not that every head of hair has all the colors in the rainbow, for example).

*since I'll be reviewing 14 chapters, I'll be reviewing three at a time, coming to around five portions of review*

Chapters 1–3
The first part before the line-breaker in the first chapter reads like a prologue despite its super short size. I suggest either taking it out or moving it to somewhere that makes more sense to keep your flow and pace consistent.

The second thing I see is tense issues concerning your verbs. Since you seem to be writing in past tense, every single verb other than dialogue and internal thoughts should be in past tense (there are exceptions, but they're small compared to tense issues). "Can" should become "could", for instance. 

I got lost in the part before the second line-breaker (Dahlia makes a fire at the end of this part) between plot and dreams or flashbacks or telling about the world your characters live in. The world you've made is engaging, but you're dishing out information in an unseemly way, blocking it and disrupting the flow of the scene at hand. The best information given is smoothly given without too much halt. Yours has too much information (Blitz, setting, flashbacks, etc.) to be able to properly retain it for readers. Integrate it rather than blocking it off.

Why would Dahlia pronounce USA as "Uhsah" when she mentions it as "America" later?

The description of a character while he/she looks into a mirror or into water is cliché and overdone in its simplest form.

And, once again, the question of "rainbow" hair arises. You seem to have said that each AbNormal has an exotic, different color of hair—but it is one, solid color all the same, not all the colors of the rainbow like "rainbow hair" implies. This seems like a fallacy to me.

Since the "brandings" of being at camps are just piercings, why not just remove them? Earrings aren't hard to remove at all, for instance. And since they're used to "keep track of AbNormals", are piercings not used anymore in the Normal community? Although you keep giving and giving new information, I find myself with more and more questions. Once again, integrated and immersive information given to readers will make your story much more interesting.

Also, what about hair dye and eye contacts? Are those banned? Illegal? No matter what they are, I'd expect them to at least be a part of the black market, which is a logical issue with your story.

Another thing that would make your story much more interesting is placing readers in the scene. There are moments of this, such as the thunderstorm and the shower, but there's so much monologue and info-dump in between that it's 1) hard to stay interested and 2) hard to stay in the moment with the scene at hand.

Because of all of these things, your first chapter was a bit dull. I would have loved more plot—and more creative ways of show the information to your readers. I fail to see the purpose of this first chapter outside giving information to readers. You didn't quite characterize both characters like I wished you had, and your world was narrated to me instead of shown to me through your plot. I know you can do more interesting, more creative work! Let's move on to the second chapter.

The motor skill thing caught me off guard. Eight-year-olds I know have grasped their motor skills for years and know exactly how to use them. Is Jay unique in this way, or is he supposed to be "normal" in that sense?

Each time a different character speaks, you must create a new paragraph.

"The first character speaks here."

"Since I'm a different character than the last, I get a new paragraph. Like this."

"And since I'm the first character again, I get another paragraph separated from the other."

And so on and so forth.

Right when we're about to meet Hosy, you say "it's" and ends the paragraph with that along with a comma. I suggest deleting it and leaving those paragraphs as is. The sentence before the "it's" is transition enough.

Dahlia explains that she convinced Fedelm to go job-searching with her, implying that Fedelm didn't want to go. However, you say Fedelm begged to go soon after. That's contradictory.

When you're speaking about the metal, it's "steel". Not "steal".

The long once-over and ensuing description of the Normal woman seems unrealistic and the description was too long to stay interesting, big blocks of information I likely won't remember later. If you really want to have physical descriptions blocked in your story, there needs to be a better reason. Either way, try not to have them so long in such saturated paragraphs. The good twist of a Normal woman being in the Abnormal ghetto was lost due to the descriptions. I don't think that's what you intended! I'm moving on to the third chapter.

Specific thoughts are just italicized. There should be no quotation marks around thoughts.

I liked the part where Dahlia struggles with the idea that Normals can have struggles, too.

You say that Dahlia wasn't strong enough to fight the officer because she was malnourished. However, earlier you said that she'd gained needed weight from Victoria's generosity in giving them meals.

Keep in mind the difference between "your" and "you're".

Why would Dahlia make Fedelm say Michael's name aloud? What does that do besides cause more pain for her? Just thinking out loud.

Nicknames should be capitalized.

I spot a misusage of semicolons.

Flashbacks should be in past perfect tense, so "had" will be before every verb ("had done", "had walked", "had been" etc.).

Why would the officer give Michael a loaded gun? Michael could have easily shot the officer. It just doesn't make sense.

Chapters 4–6
Victoria is super suspicious but also not at the same time? For one, how is an Abnormal sympathizer that rich unless she's not a sympathizer at all? Secondly, how is Dahlia not very hesitant to accept all these things from Victoria?

The officer at Auschwitz II pierces Dahlia's ear. But didn't she receive gauges from her brother earlier?

Chapters 7–9
There's just a lot going on that's making me want to put down the book. Grammar is a big issue. The logic is another. I'm having trouble focusing on characters and plot because grammar and logic are below average.

Chapters 10–12
The flashback of Dahlia's past as a Slave Reaper was very long and distracting from the plot at hand. Furthermore, it was in past tense rather than past perfect ("was" instead of "had been").

Ellipses ("...") should only be three dots. You tend to use too many.

Many of your descriptions are very simple, your usage of color in particular. Instead of just using "yellow, orange, bluish black," etc., why not describe the sky or whatever you're describing more creatively? In this example take from this chapter, I'm sure the sky isn't just color. Dawn is coming. Why not say something like, "colors of fire began to blaze between the clouds, a rose blushing at the horizon"? See how much more effective your descriptions can be rather than just saying the colors' simplest names and how it was beautiful?

That "if you hadn't already noticed" or something in Chapter 11 is somewhat of a break of the fourth wall. Yes, we already assumed that Abnormals might not smell the best, but why address the audience? It doesn't make sense and breaks a sense of consistency.

A thought struck me as I was reading. Cyprus is old enough to understand that he's being used, isn't he? Doesn't he understand that they're not his parents, even if he is just four years old? Does he object or think anything of their treatment of him?

When you say a body is "lifeless", that means it's dead. Dahlia is not dead yet. I think something like "limp" might be what you're looking for.

Interruptors should be with em-dashes (—) instead of commas. That goes for interruptors at the end of dialogue, in particular. Also, stutters should be with hyphens (-), not commas.

You have a repetition of the word "excruciating" in the twelfth chapter.

The more I read, the stranger I find the fake family dynamic that Wren and Dahlia and even Cyprus have. They're faking it. Cyprus is not their son. Why, then, do they keep acting like it when in private? Wren laments that he wasn't even able to help the "mother of his son" while he and Dahlia are alone. Why would they say that since they're faking? It doesn't make sense to me. If you have a reason, then it needs to either be explained or it needs to be clearer.

If Dahlia is famously known as the Black Dahlia, then how is it only Wren that knows her identity in reality? This is something that doesn't really make sense, either. How is she not recognized, or how isn't anyone suspicious of any Abnormal named Dahlia?

When the captain smacks Dahlia in the face, you should just tell it so. If you really want a sort of onomatopoeia, put it in italics (don't use asterisks; I also recommend going without the all-caps).

Chapters 13–14
Why would Cyprus audibly say the word "gasp" instead of actually gasping?

Your verb tenses, as an overall comment, are all over the place. You constantly switch between present and past and past perfect and it's just chaotic and inconsistent.

It's "gee". And it's not "b-line"; it's "beeline".

For a trained killer, Dahlia's reflexes aren't in tune very often. Why can't she defend herself? Why does she even allow herself to get beaten up? Thinking about it now, why doesn't she defend herself earlier in the story if she's a Slave Reaper? Honestly, the "reveal" of Dahlia being a Slave Reaper felt abrupt to me anyway.

"Grasped" is a soft movement and doesn't really go well with someone yanking someone else's chin up.

Why didn't Dahlia kill the captain right after she confessed and he told her she had to be a maid in the Mansion?

Okay, hold on. You said that Cyprus' hair had grown out a bit. But what's the point of shaving the heads of the Abnormals if the Normals just let the hair grow out again? Why shave them in the first place?

And...that's all! I made it through the fourteen chapters.

Overall, ShaylaFaye568 got zero points! There wasn't a lot that I liked if I'm to be completely honest. However, I found myself reading the rest of the book even when I had reviewed everything I had to review. For that alone, I voided your negative point balance that had existed before.

Your biggest distracter in the writing itself is your grammar, verb tense in particular. An online grammar-checker like Grammarly might help a bit, but sometimes it's inaccurate. Plus, it won't catch everything. A second distracter is the formatting. Make sure to indent every time a different character speaks.

"It should go like this," said Person A.

"Nice indents here," added Person B.
"Not like this," said Person C.

In terms of the actual content of the writing, logical inconsistencies (plot holes) are an issue. Things need to line up. Things need to make sense and be cohesive (Wren, Cyprus, and Dahlia's fake family thing that begins to not make sense, for example).

My biggest complaint about the content, however, is that I don't know where the plot is going. Your blurb speaks to wanting to focus solely on Dahlia, but your writing fluctuates that focus so much. It goes from Dahlia to an escape plan from the camp and then to life at the camp and this group with Felix and Wren and friends. Make sure that your focus is exactly that: focused.

I hope this helps!