Author : Shreya1712

Reviewer : Sam_Frazier

• COVER : 9/10

Finally a good cover, what a sight for my sore eyes! But... the first two words of the title are not properly visible, maybe change the font or colour?

• TITLE : 9/10

Perfectly fits the story idea, immediately suggests a relatable character, but... Could've used a lil more creativity. But don't worry, I like this title too, and your story is going very well so far.

• BLURB : 5/10

Okay, your blurb needs work.

Firstly, the dialogue on the top, it's a lil... Spoilerish? I'm not sure what to call it but, it kind of ruins the drama or fight which is going to happen between em both.

Another thing, long conversations can ruin the picture for your readers sometimes, especially if it's in the blurb itself. Your story content is a LOT BETTER than what you've hinted in the blurb so I suggest you use some other dialogue. Like, something relevant and short, but at the same time relates to the title? But make sure that you don't use a climax scene instead of the current dialogue.

Next paras,

Maya is...

Now go to your blurb, read the first para again, do you see errors? If yes, congratulations, correct as many as can, because grammar errors tend to overthrow readers.

Trust me, it's from experience. Seeing the grammar errors in the blurb, I had pretty low expectations of you. But guess what, I'm hooked and I can't stop reading.

And if you can't notice the countless errors, then young lady, you are going to have one hell of a hard time in the writer world, because grammar is F-ing important.

If you're having problems spotting the errors, then lemme point em out for you.

"Maya is everything most girls ever wanted. A straight "A" student. One of the prettiest girls in high school. Crushed..." Dun Dun Dunn nooo.

Instead of using so many sentences, use a comma to join these instead.
And lastly separate the last line from that first para, so that it stands out. This one, "but everything isn't always what it seems..."

Last para,
"What happens when they cross paths and Shawn unleash Maya's dark secret and set himself determined to pull Maya out of her past and show what her life has to offer.
But life seems to have other plans for them."

Punctuations were missing, a few sentences we're not phrased properly, etc.

Now instead of that,
"What happens, when they cross paths and Shawn unleashes Maya's dark secret? Will he succeed in his mission to pull Maya out of her past, and show what her life has to offer?

But only time will tell, and one can never anticipate what the future holds for them."

My writing sucks, but I do try my best to give good examples 😐

• PLOT : 12/15

Ahh, cliche with a twist! I love it! It's going great so far, and as it is teen fiction, I don't have any extra suggestions for the plot. However, next time you plan on writing a new project, make sure your opening isn't a cliche, you know getting ready for school and all. Also, never open your chapter with a long irrelevant-to-the-plot para.
Make your opening lines short, snappish, yet intriguing. Make sure it's something you're very good at, it can be description, dialogue, maybe even a fact. It's totally up to you, just don't make it very basic or common.

• CREATIVITY : 7/10

Well, you were creative in all the right places, except for your description. Visualize the whole scene before writing, and maybe even do a few description practise exercises once in a while.

Your opening and first chapter, as I mentioned above, can do with some work.

• CHARACTERS : 7/10

I don't even have to say anything, because you already know how much I love the quirky, flawed, yet realistic characters.

MY DUDE, CAN YOU GET ANY BETTER AT YOUR CHARACTERS, MAYA ESPECIALLY?! THE FRACK, SHE'S PROBABLY A CHARACTER I COULD RELATE TO MOST!

One thing tho, when you're describing, or in this case telling, about your protagonist's fear, make sure you follow the show not tell rule. I as an awkward person, know what it feels like, but those who are confident at stage stuff, they won't relate to, or maybe just feel sympathy for your characters.

In the first chapter, you 'told' why Maya has stage fright, so to those who have gone through it, they'll get it, but not everyone. So you need to show, maybe you can show it through a prologue? Or maybe you can just make Maya have a flashback of that certain event. Either way, you still have to show that event.

And the last thing, describe more body language. There was a lack of description for areas like the location, setting, body language, etc.

Why body language is important?
Because it gives a clearer picture as to what your protagonist is actually going through. Maybe, when she deals with anger, her breathing becomes abnormal, her nostrils flare, her eyes squint, her hands ball into fists and she bruises herself? Again, this is only to give your readers a proper idea of the problem.
But... As much as I love Maya, I do feel you should pay as much importance to other characters too. Like, Veronica perhaps?

What I mean is, don't limit your story to just two characters! There are other characters, yes, but they too must have some importance to the plot.

As for Shawn, well, he too has been nicely written, but just make sure that at least once in the plot, he has to face his darkest demons and fears. And... He could do some backstory too.

• GRAMMAR : 7/15

Well, you need improvement here.

Let's start with the basics.

Tense: I'm not sure which tense the story is in, because, throughout the 5 chapters, there were constant shifts of tenses.

So, whichever is best for you, past tense or present, stick with that. Don't switch tenses AT ALL, in between. In the blurb itself, it was visible, the switching of tenses so many times.

Wrong usage of dialogue tags and periods.

Here, instead of telling writers the same thing over and over again, I'll just give you a link you can check out.
https://self-publishingschool.com/how-to-write-dialogue/

You can also download pro writing aid or Grammarly for auto-correction of the punctuation and other grammar errors.

There weren't many spelling errors, so great job with that.

• COMMUNICATION : 4/5

I like how you try to reply to every single comment of your readers, and it's great to see that for once there isn't an arrogant ass author who thinks their readers are too inferior or whatever to reply to at least a single comment. Popular authors, okay... I understand, but you barely have 1k reads even with so many chapters and you don't reply? Srsly tho, Wattpad keeps pissing me off.

• Overall impression : 10/15

It's great, I mean it, just needs a little work in some places, other than that it was a lot fun for me to read it. Glad to have come across this!

• TOTAL : 70/100

For any queries, just pm me, I'll be more than happy to help!