(1)

Hey you, girl with a short hair.

At first you came into our place was with your boy friend, I mean not your boyfriend, just your friend who is a boy, I think.

Your friend who is as Chinese as you, hmmm.

But let's focus on you, I don't wanna talk about him, I just wanna talk about you.

That time your hair was not too short like now, just a usual girl haircut.

Not that I say you look like a boy with your new haircut, because you're just too fucking hot and cool at the same time, don't you realize?

Although honestly I don't remember at all your face and look at the first time we met, because I didn't really give a thought about you.

The next time I saw you again were at a discussion event held by my organization.

Your hair was already short but I didn't remember that you were the same girl that came into our place that last time.

I didn't know, I thought maybe you were just someone from another faculty or somewhere, or even what my senior said, that you're an activist whatsoever.

But actually I glanced at you sometimes, because your look was so interesting to me.

You just looked so mature, besides what you were doing that time, "ngemut lollipop".

An integration of cute and mature, hot and cool, that's you.

But still I didn't really give a thought about you that time, I guess just some little admiration of your style.

But then after the discussion was over, they said that you were one of the two new kids who wanted to sign up in our organization the last time you and your friend were here.

I was just like, "oooh", that was good, I told myself.

But still, I didn't really think about you after knowing that.

Another chance we met was when this religious celebration happened...

Oh once again, how I admired your intention of joining us by coming here again, alone, how I just admired that bravery.

You had that sporty outfit on you, so just trying to be nice I asked you if you were just jogging, and you just replied yes, with that beautiful smile which was so pure.

(2)

That was the second time we talked after your first visit, and the first and the last time at that day.

You just played with your phone and wore headphone, and still "ngemut lollipop", that was still cute.

I think the thing that I admired so much about you was that you were just so comfortable with what you were doing and with yourself, even though you were so quiet, just talked when you were asked.

But I thought maybe that was just because you were just adapting.

And that look on your face when you saw or heard something funny was sooo attracting, your laugh and your smile got my attention even more.

They asked you to come to our next recruitment event, and I heard that you were up for that, that just made me calm and happy.

Then, no more seeing you the next day and after that, sometimes I just kept thinking about you and hoping to see you soon.

Finally, more or less, a week after that religious celebration event, you came to our technical meeting of another event we held.

After the technical meeting, you were just still so quiet and I didn't know what to do, what should had I done anyway?

Like usual, I just acted like I didn't give a damn, but I really wanted to be more care, but I just couldn't, because of this awkward thing about me and my fear of this kind of thing, you know.

I was just too afraid and will always be.

I felt bad when I saw you slept with your hands holding phone, I just thought it was sad.

Maybe that was because I often did that when I didn't know what to do, when I felt alone in the crowd.

Or maybe that was just pathetic me.

Before that, in our place was quite a surprise. It was decided that you were with me during the trip.

And what made me more surprise and happy actually, was that you chose me, I didn't know, maybe for you it would be more comfortable with a girl. But not for me, especially because it was you.

I don't know why, but somehow thing just goes the way you want it to be. Even though you are not so sure about what you really want.

(3)

Mencintaimu dengan hanya... hmm... mengagumimu dengan hanya melihat fotomu tidak akan pernah bisa memuaskan rasa ini. Baru beberapa hari pertemuan kita, tapi aku tidak bisa berhenti memikirkanmu. Mencarimu, terus mencarimu di dunia maya dan tidak ada hasil yang kudapat hanya semakin membuatku ingin mengenalmu. Tak apalah sulit untuk berkomunikasi denganmu secara langsung, tapi aku hanya ingin tahu tentang dirimu. Tidak menebak-nebak seperti sekarang ini, tidak setiap hari penasaran tentangmu. Lama-lama aku bisa gila.

- 2015 -

** * **

Saya tahu ini memuakkan dan mungkin, norak. Tapi saya udah benar-benar ga tahan untuk menyimpan semuanya sendirian. Jika saya ga bisa mengungkapkannya ke dia langsung, mungkin hanya di sini saya bisa melakukan itu. Saking terganggunya pikiran saya dengan memori tentang dia dan hal-hal yang menyangkut dirinya. Termasuk tulisan-tulisan usang ini.

Dengan saya mempublikasikan tulisan-tulisan tentang dia, merupakan satu-satunya jalan supaya saya bisa cepat "move on" darinya. Karena dengan mempublikasikannya pula, saya kira, sudah tidak ada lagi "keistimewaan" bagi dia. Karena dia dan segala curhatan saya tentangnya sudah jadi milik umum.

Saya umbar dan sudah tidak lagi saya simpan sendiri.
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