10/29/16

3:40 PM

Dear Frozen Waffles,

I decided to call you that because you're a goddamn pain but apparently you're worth enough that you're still in my freezer.

Did you know that when I see you

I really want to beat you (up)

But I don't because I'm curious

And, as always, furious 

Because you're not nice

And neither am I 

And we don't get along

My friends used to think I liked you, or, no

They didn't really -- they just said it because

They did and they hid it using me

So that's what I'm curious about:

What do they see in you

That I don't?

I remember fifth grade when we met in September: you had bad allergies and I hated you for it. I hated you so much, I told my mother so she hated you too.

Sniffle.

Sniffle.

Snort.

All. Damn. Year.

And no matter where the teacher changed our seats

You still ended up in my vicinity...

So you can't blame for being tired of you

You've gotten rid of your allergies

But you're still that snuffling little boy to me

And I think you always will be

So if I end up at one of my friend's weddings

And you are standing at the alter

I'll give you a punch in the arm and a "Congrats" because I don't hate you I just don't approve.

That's all, Frozen Waffles. Just don't marry my friends, please.

              Your Frenemy,

                          Never

(PS If you ever read this, it's all true. Get back in the freezer.)