n e w  y e a r s ;; p a r t  t w o

I pushed past people to the bathroom, biting my lip until I felt the familiar metallic taste of blood. Suddenly, everything felt too close, too much. The crowd was too tight, my dress suffocating. What I really wanted was to go home, wash all the make-up off my face and cry myself to sleep.

Well, I couldn't do that. But, I could do the next best thing.

I ignored the other girls in the bathroom, a group of friends primping at the mirror, and locked myself into the stall. None of them noticed. I leaned my back on the tiled wall and looked down at my shaking hands.

Oh God, Oh God, Oh God...

My boyfriend was at a party with Marin Daley. Mine. And until I knew that they were apart, I couldn't relax. Anxiety rolled over me, wave after wave. 

Oh God, Oh God, Oh God...

I imagined her kissing him, the sick image making my stomach roil. Imagined Marin telling him he she loved him, like I did, only he said it back.

Oh God, Oh God, Oh God...

I quieted my quickening breaths, placing a hand on my stomach. I told myself to calm down. The cold tile cooled my head as I leaned back against the wall again, closing my eyes. I listened to those oblivious girls gossip. I clenched my fist over and over, saving up tension for when I punched stupid Marin Daley in her stupid face.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I needed to relax. Why was I thinking that? She was with someone else. She'd moved on. I was the stupid one, not her. I waited until the girls left the bathroom, and then I left the stall. I stared myself down in the mirror, the curled sandy hair, the dark blue eyes. God. I needed to get a grip.

The door clicked open and shut, and when I turned to see who it was, I was greeted with a prim smile from Olivia. "Hi," she said, but in this clipped voice, like she was upset but trying not to show it.

"Hi," I replied, reaching for the soap to wash my hands. I paused. "Is something wrong?"

She lingered by the sink and folded her hands. "Actually, yeah," she replied. She looked at me intensely.

"Okay," I said hesitantly. "What's up?"

Olivia paused, then blurted it out. "Is there something up with you and Matt?"

Her words made me go red in the face. "Excuse me?"

She rambled on. "Because, like, everytime you're around, he's on edge, and you're on edge, and it's just, like, so awkward. And don't think you're the only one that notices he looks at you, like, all the time. Like, more than me, his actual girlfriend. And you look at him, too, but in a different way. I don't know what it is, but..." Olivia paused, out of breath. "And, then, you and your friends, you just hate me, and I don't know why. I was trying really hard to understand, but," her voice dropped to this sad, pathetic, shy-girl voice. "This seems like the only explanation."

I looked at this brown-haired, confused looking girl, and I felt my heart squeeze. I felt so bad. I was wrecking everything, and I didn't even know for sure that I liked Matt. I couldn't let her feel like this. 

"Olivia," I began, "you've got to understand; Summer, Jen and I, we're Matt's closest friends, pretty much. Thick and thin or whatever. I know, it doesn't excuse us acting like we hate you, but the truth is, we do like you." The lie left an awful taste in my mouth. Olivia, you must know, was a very hard person to like, for some reason. "We just want the best for Matt. We don't want him to get hurt." Probably, that was the only truth within that whole ridiculous speel.

Olivia nodded gratefully, tears pooling in her eyes. "Thanks, Alexa," she grinned, running up to hug me. I let her, but I felt wierd about it. 

She left the bathroom all happy, which made me feel guilty. Don't ask me why. The point is, I felt queasy, the exact opposite of how I wanted to feel at the start of the New Year, and it was already close to twelve. Only one thing could have made that moment worse, and that exact thing happened.

"Alexa," Matt called. I turned around, expecting him to be smiling with an arm around Olivia. But when I looked at him, he was frowning, his face set in a confused look.

"I need to talk to you," he said, and I inwardly groaned. Wonderful.

~

"Tell me right now what you're feeling," Matt demanded. "Please."

I shrugged and moved to the side a little, hoping to escape the corner he'd trapped me in, but he blocked me. "A little sick. And claustrophobic," I answered pointedly.

Matt gave me a little space, but still held me into the dreaded conversation. "You know what I mean. About me."

Gulping, I broke eye contact. "God, Matty. We're gonna do this now?"

"Yes," he replied firmly. "Look at me."

I looked at his nose. 

"Look at me, Alexa."

I sighed, and did so.

"I'm not starting a New Year confused and all this. I'm trying with Olivia, I really am, but you're acting so wierd. Like, I dunno. Just wierd." His hand ran through his thick brown hair as he exhaled in frustration. "You're really messin' me up here, okay?"

I nodded. "I know, okay? I know. I'm just not used to all this drama. Don't think it's not messing me up, too."

"You said you didn't like me."

"I- I don't!"

"So stop acting like you do!"

Voices rang out for the count down, starting at thirty. Couples made mad dashes for each other, ready for their New Year's kiss.

"Alexa," Matt said. "You're not making getting over you easy."

"I know. I don't know what to do about it."

"Do you like me?" He strained to be heard over the crowd.

"I don't know," I admitted. "Something's going on."

"Three!"

"I just don't know what."

"Two!"

"Well, let's figure it out."

"One!"

Matt grabbed my waist, setting of warning lights in my head. Oh God, Oh God, Oh God. He leaned in to kiss me, and I paniced.

"Happy New Year!"

I had squeezed my eyes shut, and so had Matt, but when I opened my eyes, everything felt so wrong. He'd almost kissed me, but instead his lips met the back of my hand. He just looked at me, his eyes sad and confused. My hand fell away, but our noses stayed almost-touching.

"I don't cheat, Matty," I whispered. The queasy feeling in my stomach grew.

He just stepped back. "Okay," he agreed, his hand falling away from my waist. I exhaled tiredly, running a hand through my curls, letting it all sink in. I thought about Olivia, I thought about Reed, and I thought about everything I was messing up, with everything out of my control.

"I'm sorry," I told Matt. In the most friendly way possible, I patted his shoulder and grimaced. "I wish it wasn't like this."

I heard him say, "Me too," before I ran to find my friends and act like nothing had happened.

~

I danced with my friends because I missed them. I danced with boys who weren't my boyfriend because I was mad at him. I even danced with Olivia, because I felt like I owed her. I danced like I was starting my new year right.

But, God, I wasn't.

My head was  whirlwind of "I don't know" and "I don't think" and "I'm so sorry". I was so upset. I was so tired. But I danced anyway.

I watched Jen and Summer get the twins' numbers. I watched Grace and Aiden swaying softly on the outskirts of the dance floor. It should've made me so happy to see them.

But, God, I wasn't.

A/N   reed has no chill and also he ratchet so yeah.

#maxy or do I need a better ship name (reed doesn't even get one oops) ?

Vote comment and follow!!

xx janai