What was good for me was not comfortable. It broke me down to where I was completely vulnerable and alone, so I could finally hear the voice of God without my barriers being up, without other voices drowning out His voice. Without my own strength, I finally had to rely on His strength. Without the council of others to lead me to comfortable choices, I found the council of the Holy Spirit in places of desolation, and the Spirit led me from that desolation, and when I could not walk on my own, He carried me.

If I had remained in my comfortable life, I would have kept making the same decisions that kept me anchored to a life not meant for me to live. I would have remained tormented, unhappy, stressed, and lonely because I had built a castle around my vulnerable heart that not only kept people out but also kept God out. He was knocking, and I could hear him, but I was looking for comfort in all the wrong places.

I didn't even realize I was looking for God. All I knew was the emptiness inside me that I tried to fill with writing, watching movies, friends, and work. The harder I worked and ignored it, the bigger the hole became until it consumed me.

I guarded the emptiness inside of me like a dragon as it slowly turned to bitterness and discontentment. Then the castle crumbled, and the more I tried to save it, the faster it disintegrated until nothing remained but the God-sized hole inside me. When I thought there was nothing left of me, in my despair, I heard the knocking again and opened the door.

As I invited Jesus into my heart, the hole started to fill with light. But I was not ready to let go of the emptiness I was used to, and I fought the light. Yet, how do you fight a love that covers all sins and that fights for you even if you struggle against it? It took a long time for me to realize I could not measure up to the power of God, and when I surrendered, it took me another while to understand that I had been tiring myself because I was afraid that I would lose myself if I surrendered. The truth is, in surrendering, I found God, and in God found myself.

Romans 8:28-29

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters

God used my circumstances to transform me for my own good. Where I was before, I could not serve His purposes, and who I was before could not serve His purposes.

That life was not my calling or my destiny.

It is so easy to step back into old habits, but they do not feel comfortable anymore. They feel wrong. It is like going back to your childhood home. Although it holds fond memories, you do not belong there anymore, and the person you once were, is a stranger.

Yet we stubbornly try to go back.

Luke 9:62

Jesus replied, "No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God."

The future does not lie in the past. Therefore, we cast our eyes upon God and walk forward into His will for us, filled with the faith He planted in our hearts, trusting Him with the trust He taught us to have, and we find ourselves in a new chapter.

And although this new chapter feels strange and not comfortable, we know that the Great Author has already written our tale and that we are safe.

God fought for me. He battled my unbelief, fear, and selfishness. He broke down the prison I built around myself to protect my heart from harm caused by placing my trust in fragile human beings. Jesus kept fighting for me against the forces of darkness, my fear, and unbelief. But the battle was already won, and I belonged to God long before he chose to create me for His purposes, I just had to admit it by taking the first step: surrender.

The next step was even more difficult than the first: realizing how much God loves me and allowing myself to love Him back. Every step was harder than the last. Trust tripped me up because I had been scarred by it so many times. Of love and trust I learned mostly that they hurt because other people always have agendas. "If you want it done right, do it yourself" was my motto.

Numbers 23:19

God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. Has he said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it?

God was so patient in teaching me these things. The Holy Spirit reminds me of what I learned more and more every day.

Now, I am starting to understand that there are limits to what humans can do, but there is no limit to the power of God, His mercy, and His grace for those He loves.

Trust God, the rest will fall into place according to His will, for your good and His glory.

Someone said something the other day that made me see a truth I had not fully grasped.

How do you spell sin? You put an I between "s" and "n."

How do you overcome that? More of Jesus and less of myself. It's a gradual thing. A stumble and fall experience, but the Holy Spirit will pick us up as many times as it takes until Jesus perfects our faith.

It is hard to let go of the control we think we have over our lives and to leave it in God's hands.

But God is in control. We are not God.

Think of it this way: If you are in a car going really fast on a slick road and someone else is driving really well, would it help if you tried to wrestle the steering wheel from their grip? Or should you just let them drive? It is scary, but all you need to do is keep your eyes on The Driver, not the road.

So how do you do that? You ask God what His will is in everything in your life, and you listen until you hear His instructions. It will become clearer and clearer over time when the Holy Spirit is speaking to you. Although listening is hard, if you need to know something, it will come to your attention through the Holy Spirit.

Like this chapter, I've subconsciously been fighting against these revelations for months. Tonight, I saw a Facebook post of someone else saying to me as clearly as day what the Holy Spirit wanted me to hear to unlock the words that had been caught inside me for more than seven months. But the message has been there in various forms all that time, I just wasn't ready to see it.

And nothing is too small to involve God in. He cares about us like a Father for a child, and his thoughts about us are more than the grains of sand.

Psalm 189:17-18

"How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you."

When we trust God, accept His love, and love Him back with the love He placed in our hearts, there is a wonderful reward: peace. No matter what goes on around us, we have God's peace inside of us.

When something threatens that peace, we now know what to do and where to go. Pray to our Father and turn to the Holy Spirit, who is as close to us as our own breath. It resides within us, desiring connection, relationship, and communion.

The empty hole in me has been filled, yet I seek Jesus because my spirit needs the connection to the source of the life inside me. When I am connected with Jesus through the Holy Spirit, I am renewed.

The things that meant so much before, have lost their shine. I can live without the things that consumed me in the past, but I cannot live without God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.

All that I am only means something in connection to God. What is the point of me if I am not reflecting the light of God inside of me? What is the point of gifts and talents if they are not for my good and His glory?

God didn't need me, but he wanted me. He made me with a purpose. And within Him, I have a calling and a destiny.

Surrender, love, trust, let go, connect, listen, and obey God.

John 20:21

Jesus said to them again, "Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, so also I am sending you."

Our lives influence others in ways we cannot comprehend. Let the light God put inside of you shine so brightly that others can see it and come to believe.