God, through the Holy Spirit, has told me so many times since 2019 to "Be still and know that I am God," and although I heard the words, I still have to work on this with each step I take.

If I am to be honest with you, a lifetime spent having decisions made for me by someone else left me with control issues. When a grown woman of 38 could finally make choices of her own, it created a monster. I micromanaged myself, and everyone around me, and even God. Everything had to be done my way, and if it wasn't, I did it myself because life taught me that if you want something done right, do it yourself.

During 2023, having lost almost everything I own, I finally learned that if you want something done right, leave it in God's hands, follow the direction of the Holy Spirit, and watch things unfold as they were intended.

For me to accept this, I had to be ground down to my bones, rebuilt piece by piece, strengthened, purified, and set apart. I had to learn to enter into the presence of God with the aches of my heart and my problems. I had to trust Him because there was no one else, and until there was no one else, I trusted in people and myself instead of Him—the One True God, Jehovah Jireh, the God who provides.

That doesn't mean I changed overnight, now possessing the answer and the proof of God's love and provision. I can only thank God for his patience in constantly reminding me, through the Holy Spirit, of the things I should already know.

Over the years, I have lost count of the times I've had to be reminded to "Be still."

God has answered so many of my prayers to the letter over the years (Thank You, God), and still, I try to do things in my own power, sometimes without realizing it, mostly out of impatience.

It took much for me to unlearn some of the things that became ingrained in me, and I still struggle with it. As children, grown-ups taught us that if you want something, you ask them. Then you grow up, and the only person you have to ask is yourself. That is dangerous.

God had to teach me painstakingly slowly to ask Him. The process of leading me to trust Jehovah Jireh with not only the big things but also the small ones was a long and painful process of me defying God and him being kind, generous, and merciful when I finally had no recourse but to cast myself on his mercy. When I had nowhere left to turn, I turned to God and found He had always been there.

God set things in place for me before I ever knew I would need them. Jehovah provided destiny helpers in my youth who came through to do his will in my hour of need. At every turn, God provided what I needed at just the right moment. When my rope ran out, there was Jesus, holding out His hand and saving me from drowning. Praise God!

The worst year of my life was my saving grace. It began a process that will only be completed when Jesus comes, the founder and perfecter of our faith.

There were dark days that tore me down until nothing remained, but then God built me up again, teaching me who He is, so I could discover who I am. He taught me what it means to belong to Him and stand under His mercy and grace.

These lessons evolve daily, and sometimes, I get a little lost and revert back to my old ways, but the Holy Spirit always intervenes. He comes after me and brings me back to God. Back to the evolving story of my life that was already written before the world existed.

Today, I read something on a Pinterest post: God doesn't create accidents - He creates purposes.

Since childhood, I had struggled with the idea that I was not good enough. That I was a failure. That my sins were too great and that I deserved to be in pain, but that simply isn't true.

Jesus suffered pain and humiliation, cursed himself to die on the cross to become sin, and spilled his blood to pay for my sins. He went to hell, took the keys of heaven and hell, defeated death, and went to heaven to prepare a place for me. That is how much he loves each and every one of us. If he loves me that much, how can I be a mistake? God doesn't make mistakes, and He doesn't give up on us.

We only have to take His hand and not let go, keep our eyes on Him, and trust in the One who created us for His purposes. Praise God, thank you, Jesus, and lead me, Holy Spirit.

It isn't easy to let go and let God, but it is worth it.