Vilcība took in a deep breath and dropped to the floor. It didn't matter where he sat at this point. If he didn't somehow control it, he'd need more than just a clean pair of pants.

He tried distracting himself with other thoughts instead. His entire journey had been reminiscent of the Four Horsemen of Apocalypse. The woman at the bar was obviously Famine, she had robbed him of his meal. The village was undeniably Pestilence, he was lucky to have escaped the place alive in his current state. That meant what he was going through now was indisputably Death. There was no other explanation.

Vilcība took another deep, audible breath as the pressure on his bladder returned with a sharper and more aggressive counterattack.

Death. This was death.

He stood up once the squirming in his nethers had paused for a moment. He wouldn't really mind a nice green shrub right now. Or hedges. A neat row of hedges sounded perfect too. He didn't even really need a toilet, just somewhere he could relieve the pressure.

The universe always had other plans for him though. Plans that would make a ninety-year-old pregnant woman with a history of incontinence have better bladder control than him.

Deep breaths, he reminded himself as the pressure returned. Just a little more and he'd be somewhere soon, he could almost see the lights. Street lights hopefully. Yet all he could think about was the pressure. Vilcība sat down again, had he at least walked a mile?

Nope, five steps.

A toddler would have crawled further and faster than him. A toddler would be sensible enough to have a diaper on too. He stood up again, making his way to the lights. Soon, very soon he'd get his sweet relief.

The sight of the tall apartments made him happier than he had ever thought he could be. Modern apartments with modern plumbing, it sounded far better than a stupid, green shrub now.

Vilcība didn't care that he was literally a stranger who had walked straight into a random building. He didn't care that he was banging the door of the only poor sod who'd left their light on. They might have been the only inhabitant at home, or maybe the only ones awake, or perhaps even the only ones alive in this useless building.

He was about to rap sharply a second time when the door opened to reveal a man. He was tall and wide for a human, enough to block the entire doorframe. Well, there went his plans of skipping to the loo first and apologising later.

"My name is Mr Dev," the man introduced good-naturedly, "how can I help?"

"Toilet, please," he begged, landing on his bottom once again. He didn't care if this giant was called crapface, he needed the toilet so desperately. It would be a right shame if he let the warmth run down his legs here, after holding on for so long.

The man nodded, and Vilcība almost relaxed for a moment, almost.

And then SLAM! The door banged shut.

"Are you kidding?!" He didn't care how loud he was, maybe someone smaller would open their door instead, someone he could push past.

The giant man popped the door open again almost immediately though, but he didn't move away to let Vilcība through. He was holding a box full of objects: a coconut, a ball of yarn, a questionable and foul-smelling fish, a pair of underpants and a cardboard cutout of someone in a suit.

"Art project?" Vilcība assumed, exhaling deeply once again to keep the pressure at bay.

"Make me laugh," Mr Dev responded instead, "using this."

Make him laugh? Vilcība had a few choice words he wanted to use on this giant middle-aged turd of a human called Dev. "And then you'll let me through?"

A nod.

He snatched the box from the giant, he had a brilliant idea for this turd-face, and if didn't work there were at least six ways to kill this soulless, oversized baboon. Or maybe five, he could probably steam the fish to cover the smell of the dead body.

Vilcība took the cutout first and bent the lower half until the mop-haired cardboard man looked like he was squatting. He popped the underpants just above the ankles and placed the coconut just under the cardboard man's bottom. After considering the shitting cardboard man for a second longer, Vilcība slapped the fish onto the grinning cardboard face.

"Ta-da!" he announced, presenting the squatting cardboard idiot with a fish in his stupid mouth and a coconut turd under the other end.

Mr Dev considered the display and then nodded, moving aside, "First door on the right."

Oh, thank goodness! He nearly pushed past the giant idiot as he raced ahead, but then froze.

"Actually," Vilcība admitted snatching the underwear off the cardboard, "I'm definitely going to need that now."