My dad was stressed about work. He was in the same boat I'm in now, only it was worse for him. My mom was in the same boat my wife was in, working a different shift.

Oh, the games I played were years after dating her. And I understood they weren't real. I wanted a real relationship. That is all.

You are shying away from what I asked. How come? You excuse your father's abuse???? And you won't go into details about your childhood. Reading my memoir can you not see how the steps eventuated? If you cannot relate to those incidents and their impact on a young brain then you are not seeing the problem itself and are only concentrating on the symptoms. You became your father. You married a version of your mother. You are repeating the same life, the same cycle. Talk to me about your childhood without filters.

The abuse never happened often. Most of my childhood was spent across the street playing basketball at the local park. I rode bikes, went swimming, and did a lot. You see, what I told you was taking away the filters.

It is true, I did marry someone like my mom. To describe that to you; a strong, independent woman who loves to read. Quick to anger, and always doing things for the well-being of the family.

My dad was at work most of my childhood. I can't call him evil, or anything bad because he sacrificed sleep (much like I do) to spend time with us. He never hit my sisters, and when he did hit me, it was never in the face.

If I recall, I've been hit in the face by him once. He and I were out of town, I was in a wrestling tournament. I lost against someone who was a national champion and we argued. I left him there. 11 or 12 years old and I left.

He found me about 30 minutes later and let his frustrations out. He wept, he was scared. My dad was one of those people that couldn't use words. He expressed more physically. Most of the time was just getting whipped with the belt, but sometimes it was more.

I've been picked up by the throat, held down by the throaton the stairs while he punched my stomach, and pushed through I bedroom door.Those four instances are all I can remember.

The worst punishments he gave me was making me clean when I wanted to go outside. Getting hit didn't bother me. Sitting in my room all day didn't bother me. I did hate the cleaning. When he was laid off from work, I remember an entire summer of him siting at the dining room table just waiting for me to clean. Sadly, that is all I can really recall involving him.

Well, I guess you can say there is one other. Perhaps this is the underlying issue. All my dad cared about was my grades, of course he wanted better for me. He didn't want me doing what I'm doing now. I'm literally working at the same company as him.

I never cared about my grades. I refused to do homework. Anything that got in the way of my freedom outside was cast aside. My freshman year of high school, I decided to test my limits.

I wanted to see if I could be truly tested. School was always boring, so I spent my time being the class clown, being my alternate self. But for just one part of the year I couldn't be matched by anyone in my school. I had straight As and even extra credit built up in the four main courses. He didn't care. There was no happiness from that, no good job, no I'm proud of you, not even an I love you. I was always told by my mom that he was proud but never by him. I stopped caring

But, I dealt with this issue when I was 19... he and Italked, as well as me getting help from one of the older women I worked with at the time. She took a mothering role when it involved me. I remember crying at work, screaming about him unable to tell me he loved me when I was young, so why would he tell me now? After that, we fixed our relationship.

Nope. Nothing is resolved. You want to believe it is resolved, I get that. The fact you have recreated your father's life and the fact you have slightly altered the violence aspect (I am assuming here) from within the home to outside the home, points to you still seething, the little boy in you still seeking validation. You are caught in this spiral of craving what you missed. A father hardly there and when there often violent and unable to be pleased no matter how you tried, rebellion - can you not see the cause/effect thing happening here? Abuse does not have to happen often to have impact, and as I said earlier it can take many forms. The inability to achieve his expectations was abuse also, see?

You say your mother was a strong woman and you married someone like her. Did she defend you from the abuse? I know you are constantly wanting to excuse your father's actions, you love him - every child deep at heart loves their parents - no matter how horrific the circumstances you endured. As a mother, watching my husband/partner raise a hand against one of my children, I would kill. My own mother was weak - you read the story and to this day I question how her maternal instinct to protect did not kick in... I blame it on the times... it's one way of dealing with the fact my mother was not brave enough to protect me. But it hurts, still.

Honestly, what I am seeing here is a little boy who has not grown up and is clinging to the past and is so afraid to move from the past, he is recreating it over and over. You would have noticed I did exactly the same thing... So to save you decades of crap, (and wishing I had someone back then I could talk to) I need to tell you that you have to move. Don't know how you are going to do it, but you need to find a way to change your immediate environment. Do some online courses - writing can wait and get some other job. Not for your father, but for you. You need to break this pattern.