I used my ability to connect with people in order to control the lives of girls.

This was usually just to get one thing out of them: love.

I was able to connect my heart to theirs and make them feel something for me that they had no right to feel. Very rarely did I tell them anything about myself.

I would listen to them and respond to them. As they spoke, I listened to their tones, their emotions and put myself in a place where I felt the same thing.

Then I turned that feeling into something else, giving myself butterflies. Having made the connection, they felt them too.

Then I would casually mention that I could tell what they were thinking and placed that thought in them.

These girls fell in love with me.

I did nothing to deserve it, but I craved it.

I craved love because I could never get someone to love me. I was always the person to help with problems and make their love for someone else stronger. While I withered away, alone.

I would go to online chat rooms, find a girl my age, and build that bridge.

Of course we exchanged phone numbers.

They needed to hear my voice. As I did theirs.

But when I got the love I craved, I no longer cared. I discarded them and never spoke to them again.

There was one girl, ........... 

She was a broken soul and I had real feelings for her. Not love, but I did care.

She had been raped by her father, and multiple boyfriends of her mother. She feared men.

We talked for months. And the question came up "Could you be with someone like me? Someone you could could never touch." Of course I responded with a yes. I felt that it was an easy task, as long as she was happy. It took a long time, but eventually she loved me too. Then the dreaded monster in me revealed its true colors and we stopped talking.

She was already suicidal.

She is in a mental institute. Something I could have stopped

I have no time frame of doing this or much memory at all... I think I lost it. Pushed it deep inside.

I think by losing this, I've lost my ability to truly feel. And my writing suffered as well.

I lost a lot of things by locking this side of me away.

With locking it away came emotion. I went from having my mom beg me to say I love her to my mom telling me I'm being an over dramatic woman that is too emotional.

Okay let me get this clear, you seduced a series of girls, made them fall in love with you and then dumped them. Obviously you targeted vulnerable or naive girls  and persuaded them that the feeling was mutual then when they were 'hooked' you dumped them??? Is that the gist of it or is there more?

Because something is not making sense to me here? You say you craved love and you seduced/persuaded dozens of girls to develop emotions for you then you got rid of them. So what I am seeing here is someone who could create love but could not receive it, because you certainly from what you say had love given you?

I targeted girls that would talk to me. I had no preference. This was all done over text and telephone. I never did this to a girl that could find me. When it comes to the deeper issue... I don't know. Maybe a stream of bad relationships caused it. But to me that doesn't seem right because many people have those. I had girls I thought I loved but found out I didn't.

It was pure boredom and longing for companionship as far as I'm aware. I've always wanted a girlfriend and I've always wanted the relationship to be real.

I was 18 or 19, as I said, I do not recall much from this. Of course there were girls I came across playing this exact game. I caught on and let them play and I simply played along.

I say I craved love because honestly, what feels better than new love? That was the feeling I craved. The fastest time I had a girl say she was in love with me was 3 hours. I think after they said it, I knew it wasn't real. Maybe that was why I grew bored.

Same with depression pills. They did not work on me because I knew they were false feelings and my mind only delved deeper into loathing. I've put on a fake smile and hated myself before. Why would I need a pill to do that for me?

I can only think of one instance where this would have got me, but it was all wrong. I dated a girl my 11th grade year. I didn't know she was a freshman. Well, young love not being real love, I dated her with "strong" feelings.

A little after the first time we had sex, me taking her virginity, I saw her sister at the park. I was in my school's varsity tennis team and her sister was too young to be alone. I followed her. "You're going to be mad" she said. I knew something was wrong.

I turn the corner to see her against a guy in the wall. They were kissing and her pants were unbuttoned. I screamed at them and she ran off screaming and crying. I ran at the guy and then stopped. Told him good luck and went on my way.

She chased after me and we talked. I took her back because something.told me she was genuine. Sadly I did not trust her after that she became controlling. Her mom despised me controlling her daughter who was two years younger than me (I didn't know it when we first met because she was in one of my classes).

The guy wanted to fight me after I told her I would walk her home. I am considered legally a weapon because of almost going pro in boxing. I would have destroyed him. I saw a cop driving up and stopped them. He ran and I went home (my ex and her sister ran home the opposite direction ten minutes prior).

Our relationship ended in my 18th birthday. After that I grew bored with talking to her. (We couldn't date so there was no use in trying to talk because of her mother).

She started dating someone else and I wanted my control back. Someone I discarded became an obsession. Eventually we split off entirely. Though my wife wants to beat her ass because of a random Facebook message with her telling me that she was dreaming about me.

That was the only serious relationship I had up to that point, and it meant nothing to me. I've always been good at moving on. The one thing I longed for was a relationship, nothing more.

I don't know what drove me to do this to girls. It was all a game, and I always win. I never lost in boxing, and I sure as hell wouldn't lose in emotional gameplay.

Later I found out that he was trying to rape her. He threatened her little sister and that was why she screamed the way she did when I arrived. She didn't tell me because of what I would have done. I would have broke every bone in his body and took the very life from his eyes. I have always been that way. You hit a woman, I break you. I remember a friend and I beating someone half to death for pushing a girl to the ground. The teachers turned the other cheek and let us walk free because of the reason we did it. Unfortunately for that guy, I was me and my friend a 4th degree black belt in taekwondo.

To put in perspective how dangerous I was, I was a freshman almost at pro level. A group of about 11 dudes wanted to make trouble with me. Someone noticed me from my gym and told them all to walk away. Because I would have tore every last one of them up. I was known to be the person in the ring laughing the entire match because of how fun it was to get hit. My sparring partner weighed 100 pounds more than me because nobody else could take my punch. Which is sad because I always held back.

I stood up for people that couldn't stand up for themselves.

Through boxing I learned to control my anger.

If this is an issue that is deeper, it goes beyond this relationship.

But when it comes to forgiving myself, I'm not sure how to. I've always despised myself. Even before this.

Thinking back, I can't see what it is. My memory of my life is lacking. Nothing big ever happened. It's been mundane. I played sports, got into fights, dated girls, and slacked off. The only thing that doesn't make sense to me is my deep hatred of myself and others.

How can I say that when I was 5 there was an 8 year old girl that taught me how to kiss? That would hold no relevance. Because nothing strains my mind. I only live in the present, and I'm presently a shell. I've always hated myself, for as long as I can remember. My dad's physical abuse only made me stronger. And he always felt bad, because he had a temper that sometimes slipped his grasp. I have the same temper with control of it. Honestly, compared to others, my life has been easy. We struggled growing up, but so did everyone in our area. Yet, I'm the only one with this existence. Am I even meant to live?

For someone who says he finds it hard to communicate you did a fine job right there.

Okay, a few things. Love is definitely not what you have described here. Your compulsion to get girls to 'fall in love with you' over text and telephone was just power play. If you never met these girls face to face then it was just word play, no more. There was really nothing substantial in any of it, there was no love. Getting naive girls or vulnerable girls to say they loved you, really, that's just smoke and mirrors, there's no 'real' in it. The fact you believed it was real... What can I say - there is a far deeper issue and describing typical high school love scenarios was not going deep enough.

As to the other issue - this being anger - again, I am feeling this is another symptom? I mean you state that you would 'kill' anyone who physically or sexually harmed a girl yet you were doing the very same thing verbally and emotionally? Abuse is abuse. Your power play was abuse. Can you not see this? Can you not also see that this and the anger are two sides of the same coin?

What happened further back in your childhood and how was your family, father and mother?

Okay I had begun to write this then fell asleep and did not see the new message... You were physically abused by your father??? Where was your mother when this was happening? Talk to me about those days.

And now you regret and feel remorse and have created this alter ego who you believe is evil and undeserving.

How old were you when all this was going on? And really I am struggling to believe here that not a single one out of the dozens did not catch on to the game you say you were playing? And why did you feel it was game in the first place? This is a symptom of something else, not the problem itself. The behaviour you displayed stemmed from something deeper. You need to go further back to find the source for this pattern of behaviour.

I mean realistically, unless they were underage, you can be a perfect ass in the relationship and as long as you are not abusive in any manner, bad luck honey, you chose a dud. I don't know how you could possibly carry so much guilt unless of course there were other things going on that you have not revealed to me? This kind of thing goes on all the time with both sexes. Maybe not to the extent you took it too but hey, nothing new here.

What intrigues me is why you elicited love just to destroy it when you also say you craved it... Need to go deeper to find the source for this one. Like I said, the behaviour was a symptom of something else going on.

And if it is as you say, then self-forgiveness is the only road to recovery.