Honestly what I told you has no relevance to who I am. I am a person who lets things go. And when it comes down to it, every step of my life led me to my wife and my son. There is no real purpose for me to not like people other than the fact that I do not connect with them. I'm terrible at conversation and I get tired of everyone always needing to complain. I honestly can't even say that is why, because I do not know. It's just who I am.

And yes, the picture as well as the info on my page is genuine

The reason people can't figure me out is because I can't figure myself out.

I can tell you this... I've never put 100% into anything and I don't know how. I've been trying to give my all for my writing but I can't. Something restricts me from performing at my best. The funny thing is that I always do above average with no effort. I do not know how to see what my real potential is.

That's why I hate myself.

Maybe I'm afraid. I've done horrible things to people out of boredom in my childhood. Nothing physical. But in my longing to be loved, I've messed with people mentally. With my ability, I understand how to get someone to feel something that they normally don't. At least I used to. I'm terrified of becoming that person. A person with no regard for other people. It's a terrifying thought that I can lose the emotion that I've gained.

I see my true self being some kind of monster that toys with others' lives. And for that, I do not allow myself to do anything. I've come up with this hypothesis because I've never voiced my inability to use my full potential before. I self-evaluate all the time which is what I'm doing now.

I'm sure I sound crazy.

Your writing... I can't convey that much emotion. I can't articulate my sentences, paragraphs, even my thoughts the way you write. I've never met someone with such skill in crafting words.

Hey, for starters, if you and I are going to help each other out, don't belittle yourself and never pit yourself against me. I am way ahead and is an unfairness you don't deserve see? I am writing an article about this very thing... Here's something for you to mull over and something I rarely share but will do so in this case because you will gain something from it.

I have been celibate and removed from the world for over 12 years now. Anyway no spoilers since you are working your way through my Memoir. This removing myself meant I functioned within the family but had no friends, no one to talk to (apart from my life-long friend Nikk who died). Since his death two and a half years ago, I have no conversations in real life apart from my immediate family. I rarely go out and yeah, spend all of my time either researching or these days writing. I say these days, becauseI had never published online before, nor formed any connections with people.This is all new to me and sure, I am struggling with the whole concept of making friends out of strangers who connect with me through my words. People with no faces and fake profiles, yet who after a while 'feel' as real as a real-life friend would feel.

Writing is practice friend. And when you read the article I will upload hopefully in a few hours you will understand. I was a lousy writer. I read a lot though and now everything I amassed from reading and from observing is being converted to this stuff I write. Don't know if you have come across Robert @TheAlvarezChronicles  but this man I owe a lot to. He was my first follower and continues to support me and encourage me. It was he pushing me to get my Memoir out there so that people such as yourself could find something they needed in there, or perhaps connect with me, and seek similar support.

I have never written so much as I have the past 4 months I have been on here. Apart from the Memoir which I pretty much started and finished in one big breath - and it is unedited - I tried to edit but I couldn't, the rest of my writing has occurred since, inspired by conversations with others or thoughts resulting from requests by others. Here's the thing: I have several unfinished stories I began through the years. I was like you, I could never finish anything. Not just writing, but anything I started in my life.

I was you. Staring in awe at others and wondering what they had and I hadn't, what this magical thing was that made them sit for instance and write consistently, and reach an end?

Only after writing my Memoir did I understand that I had to get that out first. I had to strip myself bare, reveal the ugliness and the awfulness and everything I hid inside, I had to get all that out, before the rest of the words could be freed.

Funny that you mention him. It was him mentioning you in a story about writers to follow that led me to your beautiful writing.

So I think, or maybe I am advising here that you do the same? You carry a lot of angst and anger and guilt and self-loathing. I see it. I get it. Like I said, I was you. So really, you need to break your current cycle - you are in a cycle, you do realize? And you need to write your life. Ugly as all hell. Just sit and get it all out, the awfulness, the bullying, the stuff you mentioned needs to become words. Don't worry about 'style' and 'beauty' and all that crap. Write as you. Read @KevinTroxel if he's not on your radar yet. Real people putting it all out there, bare and vulnerable. That's what you need to do. The first thing. If you can do that, then your life will be transformed. Then you will allow beauty in. And your words will change too.

For me, I write out of passion. But I can't find the time to write as much as I want. I work 12+ hours a day and take care of my son after a couple hours of sleep.

Right now I'm drowning. I was going to commit suicide.. but a friend of mine (online of course) gave me a reality check. His harsh words are what I needed.

They don't change the fact that right now, I have no way out. My debt binds me to my job, which has put me on a shift I cannot work. Yet I continue to sacrifice for the sake of my wife and son. I'm dying inside and have become a puppet...

Yes, Robert has a tendency to push me onto people, and he has 'brought me out of my comfort zone' so to speak. I told you, everything is a step. You came across him and it led you to me, and I get you and I am telling you we are not that different see? So just keep writing, forget everything else and tell the story of YOU.