At the end of the day, I really just don't want to live.

What is this now Jeremy??? At the end of which day? Are you back in the darkness again or is this a general statement? Don't be throwing single sentences like that at me, I have invested emotion here. Speak to me.

I just don't want to live. Living is too much.

I'm never truly out of the darkness. I think I have a mental condition but I don't have the time nor money to get it dealt with.

Jeremy, I can't accept single sentence responses. You need to give me more.

My mind won't leave the darkness. Even when I think I'm out, one tiny thing shoves me right back in. I've been thinking about dying a lot more lately. The tiniest thing puts me right back there. Meds don't work on me because my mind comprehends that they aren't real, the feelings are fake.

Each time I think about dying, I come closer to actually doing it. I pressed something on my throat to test its sharpness. That's not normal.

So what tiny thing was it that shoved you back since we last spoke? You were fine, you got out, you spoke to people, you FELT some real emotion... what sent you back or did you never leave, just pandering to my wishing this for you? I need to know Jeremy because it's pointless me working with you if you don't trust me enough to open up, and just keep throwing these single dark sentences/statements without any substance to them. Defeatism is cowardly mate. So I ask again, what was the thing that put you back in there... or did you never really leave???

I know I sound harsh but I won't join you in this loop. My purpose is to draw you out of it, not you to drag me IN, which is what you are doing right now. I am here. I am here for you. But not this defeatest you, no. I am here for the Jeremy who believes that this shitty life is not the REST of his life. Just a phase he has to pass through... I am here for that.

I'm holding nothing back from you. I'm simply describing what I feel. Having to come to work gave me an anxiety attack. Having to leave my house a half hour early amplified it. Not having money increased it more, until my mind snapped and I felt death was my only option.

I smiled today. My son made me laugh. Ask him what sound a butthole makes and he spits.

Right now I honestly don't know what to say. I am defeated. This is different than yesterday. Yesterday I woke up this way. Today it came out of nowhere.

I know you've invested time, you've invested your own emotion by actually caring for me. I just can't get my mind past this.

Do you think you could put this out there? I don't mind getting named. I'll even respond to others comments. But it scares the hell out of me to do it. I need your help in taking this first step into what I think my life should be. Letting the world see the raw, the real me.

Well write to me what you are feeling. Right now. What is in your head, what is in your heart? And something else Jeremy, I read though our message thread from the first day you made contact with me, and you have pretty much written your memoir in here? There's over 17,000 words between us... That's half a book mate. And as I read it, the urge did come to tell you to publish this, to let people see this conversation thread and the ups and downs within it, and the memories that surfaced and the way you detailed the 'monster' you think you have inside.

But that was yesterday, and I was feeling positive, I was feeling that somehow, this time, you were making a real effort and that these messages would inspire others, like your Telling Selves is doing right now. Today it has changed again, you have reverted to the defeated Jeremy. So today I am feeling that even if we were to do this - and I would be disclosing parts of MY self no one knows about, it would just be another band aid... A short term fix... I don't know what you need from me see? I am here, I am willing to help you, I feel for you but you are defeated right now and that makes me helpless? We could continue this cycle forever, and get nowhere outside of this loop. You need to walk a straight line. A going forward line. I don't know what to say really. Help me out.

I feel trapped in this cycle. You're not the first person I've reached out to. This cycle never seems to end for me. I did think of something from this cycle and that is using it to help others. I think my purpose in life is to save others from my neverending cycle of self-hatred and pity. I'm not brave enough to post this conversation up. I know it would be the first step in helping others, in helping myself. But I can't bring myself to post it. I couldn't edit what needed edited. I'm just a coward.

Eventually I'll be able to do it on my own, but right now I can't.

Hon, I can put it out there and yeah, it would definitely help others... The question remains however, will it help you? It needs no editing, as I was reading through I saw what a wonderful grasp of the language you have and how articulate you are. You can't see this, you think you can't write but you'd put most of wattpad to shame with your words (writing-wise)... It's a huge risk for me, and something I need to think about too, as it might be perceived wrongly by some, and also, there's personal things I've shared with you that will be news... But. If you can honestly tell me that this will help you, that this public outing - similar to my vulnerability with my Memoir - will assist you to move forward, to get out and get past then I will do it. What I would hate is for this to be another temporary band aid. As a piece of Non Fiction, it tells a great story and has many messages within it that others will find insightful and helpful. I need to hear from you that you will be able to cope with the stuff that's going to come your way, the communicating with others, the conversations, the support... I don't want you losing it because of too much attention, and then getting beyond my help altogether?