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I've lost my ability to form my thoughts into words.

I'm really struggling. Do you have any advice?

Hey Jeremy, was thinking about you only a couple of days ago, wondering why you hadn't checked in? Something been going on to get you to this point? Usually there's something underlying, some new circumstance or even feeling stuck in an old one? Sorry, battling a migraine today, so not the best myself. Can we chat tomorrow please and I need something more than a sentence from you... Are you able to say a few more words just so I know where you're at? You know I am always here, thing is to start talking to me before you reach this point... Sounds like a cycle? Chat tomorrow mate when I can properly form words myself.

My creativity just feels lost. I noticed when I try to write I don't feel comfortable and end up getting frustrated and rush what I'm doing. It feels like the time when I had my head injury and I'm just not thinking the way I usually do. It feels like I'm getting back into a daily routine without the routine. I've been eating better and spending more time with my son. I don't know why I'm having trouble forming proper thoughts.

My writing looked much more amateurish than usual. As if my vocabulary had gotten worse. Perhaps it is because I stopped writing every day. I'm not sure.

Send me something here Jeremy, show me something you've written recently please.

There is nothing. I end up erasing it and giving up.

Then write something to me now.... don't worry about what it is, don't worry about language or grammar or any of that shit. Write a letter to me maybe, just random stuff... talk about anything that pops into your head or you see around you or you are feeling... Just do that.

No matter what I do, things will always be the same. I'm a lazy person who cannot control his own bad habits. I was eating healthy like I should have, but then I gave in to hunger and went right back into my habit. Two years had gone by without me drinking pop and then I started right back up with a head injury.

Lately I feel like I felt then, helpless. My mind doesn't seem to want to work with me and I've been struggling even with the most simple of tasks. Forget about mind over matter, I can't even get my mind to leave the empty space it seems to be stuck in. My observant eye is gone and I wallow in my own self hatred once more.

As cowardly as it is, as much as it would break my wife, as much as it would cause my son pain; I only wish for death. I put all of my faith into playing the lottery because in my life I feel stuck. Not like that changes anything, I've always felt stuck. Why? Because I've caused myself to allow it.

I tried sticking to my own convictions but I don't even remember what they were. I was so motivated before; I even started working out. That motivation is still there, I just don't act on it. I continue to hold myself back. What really holds me back is my inability to think properly.

My mind keeps going completely blank and then before I realize it, an hour, two hours? They all gone by and I've done absolutely nothing. It keeps happening both at work and at home. My wife is getting tired of me wishing for death, but I don't know how to not wish for it. I've always wished for it.

Have you read my stories on Telling Selves? If you haven't, please do so... You say you cannot write, that your writing is amateurish, that your vocabulary has gotten worse. Has it? Here's what I did for you, changed a few words... just to prove to you that you CAN write, that you DO have words... With your permission I would like to include this in the book... You can remain anonymous or you can place it there under your name... I ask this because you are not alone or as stuck as you have convinced yourself you are.

"The self who no matter what he does, thinks things will always be the same. The lazy self who cannot control his own bad habits; who was eating healthy like he should but then gave in to hunger and went right back into his habit. The self who went two years without drinking pop and then started right back up after a head injury.

The self who lately feels like he felt then: helpless. The self whose mind doesn't seem to want to work with him and he's been struggling even with the simplest of tasks. Forget about mind over matter, this self can't even get his mind to leave the empty space it feels stranded in. His observant eye is gone and this self wallows in his own self-hatred once more.

The cowardly self who - as much as it would break his wife, as much as it would cause his son pain - only wishes for death. The self who puts all of his faith into playing the lottery, because his life is full of ill-luck. Not like that changes anything, this self has always felt unworthy. Why? Because this self has talked himself into allowing it.

The self who tried sticking to his own convictions but doesn't even remember what they were. The self so motivated before, he even started working out. That motivation is still there; this self just doesn't act on it. This self continues to hold himself back. What really holds him back is his inability to think properly.

The self whose mind keeps going completely blank and then before he realizes it, an hour, two hours have passed? They are gone by... and he's done absolutely nothing. This keeps happening both at work and at home - and his wife is getting tired. 

The self wishing for death and not knowing how to not wish for it... because this self has always wished for death."

See Jeremy, it's all about perception. You don't see what I see? And you don't see what others see and they don't see what you do... The writing above will help others feeling like this. You need to share it. The more you share, the more you release, the easier the load will become. Run it by me, I can fix those few things... I hate thinking of all those words thrown away... a waste Jeremy. You can write. Write to me, write something every day... but something different every day, pretend I am your diary. Observations, thoughts, whatever. Do that please for a week, and then see what will happen. Trust me. I want to see through your eyes: Your neighbourhood, your work, your home, your wife, your boy... I want to hear about them from you.