I've lived in my own for almost 5 years now. Me and my wife started in an apartment, then another, we now have a house we are renting and about to rent a new one. I now work in another building from my dad and see him maybe once every couple months. Mainly holidays.

See, I don't hold on to my past. Even if I try to remember it, I told you everything I know. As far back as I can remember, I've hated myself. I just can't see why.

Realise your son will follow in exactly the same footsteps see? You must accept that your childhood produced the man of today. Stop excusing your father. Forgive him, but do not excuse him. I am betting he had a similar upbringing himself? If you care so much about your son - and I sense you do - then you need to break this cycle NOW before he is old enough to begin understanding his environment. You have a long life ahead of you. Want to waste it like I did and arrive here wiser sure, but having missed out on so much? Let the past be. Let it go. Best way as I said is to write it, from your very first memory and write it without filters and without worrying about how it will be read by others. Write it as though you are on your death-bed and confessing all... the good, the bad, the ugly - everything that was done to you and everything you did. Cleanse your spirit then let it all go. Look ahead. You are looking behind and are stuck in the same moment over and over. Move location. Change jobs. FIGHT for your future. Use the anger and the hatred constructively and you will see it convert to positive energy...

My boy's dad was extremely clever - at everything illegal. Dylan turned around one day and said "Mum, if dad had ever used his mind for good instead of bad, he'd be well off, and maybe in a better place in his head?" With addiction comes the need for constant self-destruction. Thus my roller-coaster life with him where every time things looked like they would work out, he would destroy everything? As though he was unworthy of happiness??? And isn't it exactly the place you're at now??? He spent a lifetime blaming others. You are blaming yourself but the outcome is the same. So all this anger and frustration and everything else you have that seems a negative, harness them and turn them into positives. Use me as an example. I broke the cycle and yeah, whilst there are still some issues in my life, I produced two sons who are decent and have no darkness inside them.

So in order to forgive, I write?

It makes sense. But I can't see myself loving myself.

Of course you can't. This will come later without you realising. It will come to you one day as you look around and realise people are loving you because you have finally allowed yourself to love you. Trust me on this. See how much you have written in these messages? That's almost the equivalent a few chapters? I wanted you to understand the ease of writing. You have the words. Focus your energy and all those insecurities and those bad feelings on continuing this writing... Keep talking to me, ask questions and answer mine. But I want to see you trying too, all this back and forth communication will be meaningless unless you let it lead you somewhere? I trust in you. I do. I know one day you will look back and wonder why you wallowed in this blackness for so long. I want to spare you some of that time,so you can live it in light and love instead. Show me something. Go away and write a memory. In detail. One particular moment captured in your memory, good or bad, and in 2000 words.

I'll have to write it in my phone. I'm about to head to work. Did you want me to post this on here?

Post it here for me to read... Writing on the phone sucks I know. But do it :)

I have memories that easily hit over 2k. I'm going to share something far more personal to you

This is something that broke me.

It may take some time to fully write this. It was hard to put the title, yet alone 2000 words. To this day, I don't know how to deal with this.

Just start with one word. Keep going. I trust you can do this. I trust.

I can't promise 2000 words, but I can say this will be far more personal than you would have gotten from something that big.

Go for it.