The first thing I noticed was the colours. All around me, they engulfed me. Colours of black and colours of blue. Each lined up on the sides in which the teams were. Each side cheering louder and louder. I wanted to get lost in the voices, but I also wanted the voices to drown me. Drown me so that I never hear again, drown me so I never get to feel again, drown me so I never get to meet the eyes that dripped the tears of disappointment more than regret. The people all around me, swearing and chanting, they choked me. They were the walls I wanted to punch through. Even though a stadium would be considered as open ground, these people blocked the wind of fresh air, their screams and presence, or the fact that their gaze could locate me anytime didn't let me breathe. My anxiety was just a shadow of a spider magnified at night, but there's a reason why people are still scared of it. People around me are the reason why. These people who would prance at me and hold me accountable for my failures are the reason why. Why I didn't skip the step and jumped down is the reason why. The shame, the guilt of not being able to achieve something even though my parents gave me each and every resource possible is the reason why. Being an epitome of bad decisions than underdog success is the reason why, The gaze of pity, sympathy, even disdain, it was better that I was gone.

Kassy might have seen me get all anxious in public, so she pulled me to sit down. Her voice asked me to have my attention on the conversation with mum and dad rather than people around me.

"Where's uncle Warren, he must be somewhere near the bleachers I think." Kassy smiled and looked at me, reminding me that I had to smile as well. It was a small reunion anyway. Uncle Warren, Rayleigh and Rueben, it's been months since we met them, after Aunt Azalea's death of course.

"Kass, don't worry about him," mum glared at her, but the way she called Kassy drew my attention," he'll be super busy clicking pictures." She tried to smile really hard through her gritted teeth but to no avail. I knew why she warned Kassy against raising the topic. She doesn't know that it doesn't matter to me anymore, I'll be glad to see Uncle Warren's face once in a while to make sure he is treating his kids right.

Kassy leaned in to whisper," is she pissed about what he did or about how you feel?" She placed her ear to cover her face, a habit of hers and I saw her grey painted nails. She must be in a good mood. It's been a while since she painted her nails, or bothered to look good for that matter. It's great to see her feel good about herself, she deserves all the love from herself which our parents couldn't give to her.

"I like to think it's the latter," I answered back," makes me feel that they think about me." we both grinned at each other. "At least one of us gets the half-hearted attention." She surveyed if mum didn't overhear us. Mom noticed what Kassy was doing, so Kassy recoiled by flashing the glinting set of teeth she saved it for the boys to hit on. I dropped my head to save myself from second-hand embarrassment."What is the stupid smile on your face?" Mum snapped back. The straight face she held made it difficult for me to breathe, out of laughter, of course. I wonder how hard it was for mum to hold that face. Oh, that's her resting face."Mum, that's the smile that'll get me on the altar." She air-kissed mum, the popping sound made me shiver in cringe. Kassy hugged me," don't laugh at my plight, you son of a gun." But she was the one who couldn't stop laughing at what she did," yeah, keep telling yourself that and maybe you'll find something funny."

It suddenly dawned upon me, looking at how she dressed. She moved a level up to actually look good, and I am pretty sure she didn't follow a self-care routine. "Did you dress up for Alex?"

"I see Eli dressed up for you too." She pointed out on the other side of the cemented staircases. Alex waved his hand frantically, and Elikai pulled him down.

"He's idiotic, really."Kassy was already trying hard to push back her giggles, constantly side-glancing at mom and dada.

"But he's cute, you have to agree." She reached for the water bottle we had placed down, then went on adjusting her letterman jacket.

"Yeah, that's why you were disgusted when he came that day."

"Come on, I know guys like him, they come and go."She didn't let go of the bottle, and I wondered if she wanted to anchor the overwhelm of emotions she always felt.

"You need to stop pushing everyone away. It's not healthy. How can you expect anyone to shower affection to a wall-"

"Then what?" She constantly looked back at mum whenever she raised her voice."Then bring another guy like that night and..." If biting her own lips could prevent her nightmares from flashing in front of her eyes like a reality she was living right then, I wouldn't have stopped her from bleeding red. At this moment, she was just trying to feel the emotional pain crawl up her skin.

"We don't have to remember shit and fight every time we talk, you know. We could talk about..." I pressed my finger hard on my forehead, trying to think about a neutral topic.

"How French fries are not French?" She suggested.

"They're Belgian, right?"

"I don't know, man." She clapped her hands, trying to brush off the dust gathered on them. "They sure are delicious."

"Is the crowd overwhelming for you? We can go back-"

"No," I didn't want Kassy to remind me how I felt about the crowd," I can't lock myself up forever just because I can't fucking talk."

"That's not how you cure what you are facing. It's like asking a person who can't swim to dive in River Thames."

"I can try, at least, to be okay."

"Tell me the moment you feel sick."

I nodded and we fell into this void of silence.

My mind pulled me from behind to look at Elikai and Alex. They were sure to have the time of their life. Engrossed in the game so much, I bet they could tell me which side of the ground was still rough. It was then that I realised that the game had already started. These two were howling and shouting like rabid dogs being chased by the dog chasers.

The scoreboard flashed in the blinding red colours. Home:2; Gilberts:1

"Alex will go bald if he pulls his hair any further."Kassy didn't stop blushing all along. What's a better way to steer clear of our parents and maybe help her make a move than this?

"Let's go sit beside these two idiots."

~~~

"You are here to mock me, aren't you?" I handed Eli a smoothie a kid was selling by the bleachers. Alex and Kassy had already started to fight like idiots about who was a better thumb fighter.

"No, I am here to ask you how you are. As far as I remember," I pretended to think hard," You were sick?"

"Oh," his eyes were looking everywhere and also nowhere at the same time," I feel better." He coughed a few times to testify what he said.

"Have the smoothie," He handed me mine," It's good. Plus the earnings go to my sister's animal fund. The kids worked hard."

I could use one ounce of sugary crap to get rid of how the people around me were crushing me. It was like a wave of sweaty bodied individuals and I was gasping for air out of the water.

Sugar only helped attach a reason to the feeling of lightheadedness, as if my mind was stuffed with cotton and I was choking on that. Without a reason, anxiety would kick in, letting other insignificant things to magnify like that spider's shadow. A door creaking, a shoe rubbing against the floor, someone breathing right beside me, anything could trigger my mind to hurt.

Most don't get the feeling, the drop in your stomach when you're at the top of the rollercoaster, they don't get it because the feeling evaporates as soon as you climb down the roller coaster. For me, it solidifies. It hardens and condenses like the old wax melting under the wick of light, still, you know the flame will blow off, but the feeling won't. When you're in danger, your body relies on your brain shutting down. That's the logic, your brain would rather knock you off than have you see the death. With me, I am not dying, nor am I in danger. So, my brain doesn't get the logic and hence makes me live through death.

The kids and adults shouting at 13-year-old kids playing a mindless game were enough to make me volunteer for lobotomy. I didn't need anything more.

"Bruh, Abay scored two goals where's your attention?" Alex screamed loud for us to jump in fear. He was really passionate about the game. Oh no, he made a bet too, to go on a date with Kassy or something. They'd go on a date anyway, might as well have used the bet for a better thing. Like not pushing him out of her life for no apparent reason?

I am scared of Kassy hurting people more than anything.

"Is he still up for the golden boot?" Alex asked.

"He will be if this Rueben guy doesn't score more." Alex's eyes were fixed on the ground. "It's more like him versus Abay now."

"Is it the sweat or the adrenaline that's stinking?" Kassy covered her nose with the loose end of her jacket but was soon handed over a handkerchief by Alex.

"I think it's stale urine."

I still don't get why everyone looked at me at the same time.

"You have the nose of a dog," Alex suggested more than a comment.

"Of course a dog will have its own nose, bone head." she smacked him on his head and they went back to bickering and screaming and cheering in general.

In that process, while Elikai spoke about his plans to help me get out my fucked up mindset, my mind chose to mute his voice at that moment. Not when I didn't want to listen to my parents fighting, not when I didn't want to listen to Leni screaming, only when I was actually happy that someone cared and wanted to give him a listen. I even contemplated to maybe follow his bet irrespective of who wins.

"Bro, at least cheer for your cousin." Alex kept on pestering Elikai. Although Elikai didn't seem interested in the match at all, I didn't want him not to enjoy it because he was saying something to me and I wasn't even listening.

"You guys are dirt in the name of the family," Kassy intervened," You don't even cheer your cousin. Kal, get up, we need to teach the pest the Callahan Cheers."

Oh god, this is the last place where I wanted to embarrass myself. I didn't need it. Kassy seemed adamant, and I had to support her. How can I avert this without hurting her?

"Shout it at the count of three, one, two, THREE-"

We're gonna spell fight in a way that's better

So when I say get on up, you just shout the letter,

Get on up, F,

Get on up, I,

Get on up, G,

Get on up, H,

Get on up, T,

Suddenly all the people around us who cheered Rueben's team were interested in this chick and her sidekick brother. She stood up on her seat and shouted even louder. I saw mum and dada hiding their faces. At this point, I realised. They won't say shit to Kassy if I join the bandwagon of "shaming" our family. It'll be fun to do so, not to mention, Reuben will win!

I found Myself standing on my seat and joining Kassy, who now shouted more when I joined her.

What's that spell?

FIGHT!

What do we do?

FIGHT!

One more time,

FIGHT, F-I-G-H-T, FIGHT!

"That's it? That's the only way you know?" Alex questioned Kassy as we sat down. "Oh god, this girl loves to make everything a competition." He shook his head, removing his jacket and handing it over to her.

He pulled Elikai to stand up with him, although Elikai was still baffled with what had just rolled in.

"I don't know and cheers?" Elikai confessed but rose up. Kassy instructed me to stand up too. So there were we, four lunatics, cheering opposite teams frantically.

"Just shout the school cheer bro."

S is for super and

The U is for united

The P is for perfection and you know we are excited

The E is for energetic and

The R is for Rad

so tell the other team

We're the best and we're glad!

"That's the lamest cheer I have ever heard," I told Elikai.

"Then make it your life mission to come up with a better one." Elikai stuck his tongue out and made faces, continuing to shout.

Oh god, I couldn't fall in the trap of his stupid adorable faces. I had to shout more.

Knock 'em down

Roll 'em around

Come on defence work, WORK!

Elikai stomped his seat in frustration, but his mellow gaze told me he enjoyed the competition. He enjoyed that I was participating in this stupidity although these three were the ones who had stupid tattooed on their forehead.

"That's all you know?" Elikai twitched his eyebrows, but the mischievous smile broke the silence, answering on behalf of me in a louder cheer.

Block that score!

Block that score!

Zero yards,

Zero yards,

Not one more!

"Kal, help me with something better!" Kassy stood beside Alex, who still pulled a look and Elikai was going on cheering aimlessly. I don't think we even knew who was winning. It was our personal mission to shout and cheer louder than the other, and hopefully, in that process, drown our miseries in a kid's match.

~~~
Word Count: 2434

Hehe, I am back from hiatus! Also, 20,000+ words down, 30,000 more to go! I am so excited for the next part!

I hope you enjoyed reading it! Thank you for reading it!