"I have a hole where my heart should be and nowhere else to go."

― George R.R. Martin

"It is not easy to keep silent when silence is a lie."

― Victor Hugo

"Oh what an ill fate it was that has made me love that man."

― Iris Murdoch

"You promise me heaven, then put me through hell"

- You Give Love A Bad Name – Bon Jovi

Chapter 29

The severe pain in my chest was the only thing that made me believe I was still alive. Watching the downpour through the window of the vehicle I was driving in, I could only exist. I didn't think. In my head, a cobweb filled a void full of words. I didn't feel. There was a hole in my heart filled with darkness whose bottom couldn't be seen. The condition I was in was almost indescribable. The dried tear that left a visible mark on my cheek was the only confirmation of my being. The world was cruel and I was at its center.

"Miss?"

Somewhere in the distance, a tone was heard. Yet it was not strong enough to break through the spider web that had captured my senses.

"Miss?"

Once again, a little stronger. The web broke in a couple of places but was still yet to lose. It held onto the last atoms of strength, just like me.

"Miss ?!"

This time, the tone was too loud to not break through the barrier. I jerked. For the first time after who knows how long I felt control of my body. I lazily looked away from the window and through the rearview mirror, my eyes connected with old, tired, green orbs.

"Excuse me, did you say something?" I mumbled. My voice sounded unrecognizable even to my ears. However, the stranger behind the wheel was not interested in that, he probably had too many problems of his own. Everyone always does.

"Where do you want me to drive you?" A very simple and logical question when you take a taxi, and yet, the answer was more than complicated.

I looked around as if that would help me find the answer. The pressure I felt to respond was so strong I barely whispered to him to drop me a few meters down the street. Luckily, I had cash in the jacket I was wearing. When I ran out of Mateo's penthouse I didn't take anything with me, I didn't even think about it. Wallet, phone, bag, everything was left there, and again, I didn't care.

I wandered the streets of a city I thought would give me a new beginning, a new hope, a new something. I wanted to believe that. I had to because the alternative was a million times worse. And yet, as large drops of rain fell on my exhausted body on a dark night, I wondered what the truth really was.

I didn't know how much time had passed, but aimless walking led me to the familiar bridge. Uncertainly, I reached the very edge and leaned against the fence, which was the only barrier between life and death. I sighed deeply and looked down at the river whose water level was rising minute by minute due to the rain that was falling ceaselessly. I was completely wet, my hair was sticking to my face and my clothes were so soaked that they completely clung to my body. However, just like before, I didn't care.

I wondered how long the downpour that had ravaged the city must last for a catastrophic flood to hit its very heart. The waves were big and mighty, aggressive, in complete madness, just like my emotions. As if imitating the movements of the river, tears began to fall uncontrollably down my cheeks. They could not be distinguished from raindrops, but there also was no living soul around me who could even try. The city was eerily quiet, with no passers-by, cars, anything but a rainfall. It was as if they respected the sadness that demanded I feel it.

The scene that happened that night was constantly spinning in my head, refusing to let me breathe, not for a moment at least. My chest ached and my lungs seemed to burn in flames. Part of me was missing, the part that remained kilometers away, destroying me. Dark eyes enchanted my mind, my body and my heart, which was scattered in a million pieces. Only one word followed the infinity. Why?

I collapsed on the wet concrete and burst into a heartbreaking sob.

Heaven cried with me that night.

-

The city was still covered with darkness when I came in front of the door of the person I only trusted at the moment. I pressed the bell with a trembling hand, pulling back at the loud sound. Not long after, a sky-blue gaze fell on me. When they saw me, that person's eyes widened so much they almost looked like they were going to burst.

"Lena," my voice cracked, barely uttering her name.

The blonde girl let out a loud breath of surprise and brought a hand to her lips when she noticed what condition I was in. I was glad that there were no mirrors around me because otherwise, I would most likely faint. After only a few seconds she recovered from the initial shock and pulled me inside, tightly by the arm. I stumbled from the force she used, but she managed to hold me back before I kissed the floor.

"Tara, what happened to you?" She asked me in her soothing voice.

Silence. The only thing that followed her question. She looked at me with worried eyes, but I only looked through her. The only thing heard in the room were drops of water dripping from my wet clothes. I was numb, the hot air of her home slowly warming all parts of my body, all but my heart.

"Tara, look at you! You have to warm up!" She said a little more hurriedly. It probably finally occurred to her that I was completely out of my being.

With quick movements, she began to take my wet clothes off me, at the same time pushing me forward towards the room, which I only later recognized as a bathroom. She was saying things to me I didn't understand, or maybe I didn't even want to understand. The numbness of my mind didn't seem to allow it.

I remained naked in front of her, removing every wet cloth from my body. With her fragile hands, she somehow put me in the bathtub and a few seconds later let the avalanche of hot water flow. The steam soon filled the bathroom so much that barely anything could be seen, but I still didn't care. I was surrounded by heat, and yet, I was cold.

We spent hours in the bathroom, or maybe it was just minutes, time was something I couldn't understand. Only after a while did the hot water disappear, and my body was hugged with puffy material. I soon found myself dressed in clothes that managed to restore some heat in my body. The gray sweater and sweatpants seemed to mock me. If I could feel, I would probably find the coincidence extremely comical. We finally sat down on the couch in her living room, side by side, in silence.

"Tara, are you okay?" The gentle voice of my best friend asked me.

Those words, as every time, made every barrier break. The strongest wave broke the dam and all the feelings I trapped deep inside completely overwhelmed me. Disappointment, sadness, fear, anger, hatred, love.

"We broke up," I whimpered, throwing myself into her arms.

She was initially surprised, but it didn't take her long to wrap her arms around my body. I was shaking, crying, screaming. I screamed words I didn't even understand. I just wanted to feel better. The emotions that overwhelmed my soul were suffocating me. My heart was pounding so hard in my chest it almost jumped out. Lena started stroking my hair, trying to calm me down. I buried my face in her neck, tears completely soaking her shirt.

"Breath T, everything will be fine. Tell me what happened, you'll feel better."

And I did. I then spent hours telling her everything that had happened between Mateo and me, from the moment we met until that night, crying on her shoulder.

-

"T, you did the right thing," Lena whispered after a few minutes of silence.

I laid on the couch in the living room, my head resting on her lap as she caressed my long-dried hair. The day already replaced the night, but the sun was not in sight. It was gloomy, but this time without rain.

"Then why does it hurt so much?" I asked, not sure if I wanted an answer at all.

"Because you love him." Her words did not hurt my heart, but they did confirm what I had long refused to admit and only recently began to accept.

"I don't want to love him."

"We cannot choose who we fall in love with T, but we can choose to let time heal it."

"I've never felt this way in my life, L," I started without tears. I was worn out. My eyes were tired, my head hurt, my lips were completely dry. Every milliliter of fluid from my body was long gone. "Since I met him, there has been something between us, but I could not define what. An unbelievable attraction? Yes, but I didn't want to admit anything more than that. I didn't want to admit that I loved him. Do you know how many times he said those words to me without me saying them back?" I stuttered and she left a kiss on my forehead and continued to play with my hair.

"It was like that until recently, when my world fell apart. He was the one I relied on, as if I had separated from one world and moved on to another, his. He became everything to me and I became so attached that I don't know how I'm going to live without him. And he? How could he do that to me, L, how? I trusted him!"

"T, no one knows what's going on inside his head, but it'll get better, I promise it will," she said nonchalantly, but it was obvious that she didn't feel that way. She tried to help me, to somehow calm me down, without making me even more upset. Lena was one of those people who did not give advice, who listened and provided comfort with her hugs and support. She hated herself for it but she wasn't aware that it was the only way to truly help someone, especially someone like me.

"I just want it to stop. It hurts L, I don't want it to hurt anymore," my voice cracked. Tears that I thought I could no longer cry, flowed down my face again. I turned my head and dipped it into her lap. I just want it to stop.

"Look at me," she tried to make me look up but she didn't succeed, I didn't want to look at her. I was ashamed of my own feelings.

However, she didn't care. She pulled me harder and lifted me. She cupped my cheeks with both hands, making my teary eyes look directly at hers. Determination dominated her being, a determination I had never seen before.

"I swear to you, T, I'll take every broken piece of your heart and mend them. You are not only my best friend, you are my sister, the person I love the most in this world. I'm not letting anyone touch you. It will hurt, of course it will. It will hurt even more the next day. Heart, body, soul, everything will hurt. And tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow, and the day after the day after tomorrow, but then the day will come when it will no longer hurt. It will just stop. You will be completely healed. And on that day, you and I will smile the most beautiful smile in this world."

-

"Are you sure you don't want to eat anything?" Lena asked me after she tucked me into bed. I looked at her and shook my head. I wasn't hungry, and I wasn't sure if I could even open my mouth and put food in them.

Lena nodded uncertainly and headed out. Just as she was about to walk out, I called her again. She turned around quickly and gave me a questioning look.

"Please don't tell Sarah and Emma," I whispered, to which she immediately shook her head.

"T, I think they should know, maybe they can hel-" I interrupted her before she finished the sentence.

"No, L, I don't want them to know or worry. You know what they are like. I don't want them to get in trouble because of me," I looked at her with eyes that begged her to understand me. Eventually, still unconvinced, she nodded, but before she could speak, her cell phone rang. She pulled it out and frowned, muttering a barely understandable unknown number.

"Hello?" She asked in a professional tone.

I couldn't hear what the person on the other end had to say, but from the way her eyes narrowed, I could guess it wasn't a good thing.

"Yeah, that's me," Lena replied, now in an uncertain voice, shifting her gaze to me. I looked at her confusedly, to which she, somewhat upset, uttered Mateo.

As soon as I read his name from her lips, my heart was so affected I could hear its pounding. I automatically started shaking my head so Lena wouldn't tell him I was with her, but she began to stutter during her lie. For a man like him, that little sign was enough to discern the truth.

"I fucking know she's there, put her on the phone!" He shouted so loudly that Lena had to take the phone away from her ear and I could hear him perfectly. Hearing his voice, I felt a heaviness in my chest that slowly began to choke me. I shook my head, trying to catch my breath. Tears started pouring down my face again, and my body temperature was rising. There was something in my stomach, something I didn't want to know.

"She doesn't want to speak with you," she replied honestly

Silence followed her response. The tension grew but neither side said anything. My heart stopped in anticipation, anticipating something I wasn't sure if I wanted to experience at all. After a few minutes of silence, Lena's gaze connected with mine.

"She's fine," she said and hung up. At the same time, I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding.

"He begged me to tell him if you were okay," she told me in a cautious, quiet voice, careful not to upset me further. I could only nod without saying anything.

"Where did he get my phone number from?" She asked me, and I shrugged, not knowing what to say. Mateo always gets what he wants. I learned that a long time ago.

I put my head back on the pillow, refusing to think about what had just happened. I was too tired to allow myself to burden my brain once more. I hated myself for it, but I had no choice.

Before I fell asleep, I felt Lena's lips on my forehead that gave me the warmth of mother's embrace I had never had.

-

Voices coming from afar woke me from a dream I couldn't remember a second later. I got up and rubbed my sleepy eyes so they could get used to the light in the room where I slept. After I succeeded, I finally looked around, slowly remembering all the events from a few hours ago. I hesitated whether it was wise to look in the mirror or just go and see who was talking so loudly, but the headache I felt was a sufficient indication to me that the first option would probably end up being very bad. I completely neglected to go the bathroom where I would surely see my dark circles and puffy face and follow the direction from which the voices were coming. When I was in front of the living room, I could tell who it was. With a deep sigh, I grabbed the doorknob and walked into the minefield.

"Finally!" As soon as I stepped in, Sarah's loud voice greeted me, and gentle, female hands wrapped themselves violently around my exhausted body. I staggered back from the force Emma used to hug me, but she stopped me in time before I could fall.

I looked with accusing eyes at Lena, who was sitting on the couch, but she immediately shook her head, letting me know that she hadn't told them anything.

"Are you okay, honey?" Emma asked me to which I looked at her in confusion, still too tired for my brain to function normally. She didn't say anything else to me, but continued to hug me, at one point even cutting off my air supply.

"A madman you refer to as your boyfriend called us a million times last night to ask us, although it is better said that he was screaming, if you were with us? We were worried, Tara!" Sarah looked at me sideways, but at the very mention of Mateo, my gaze dropped to the ground. Emma noticed that and quickly settled down on the armchair, making me sit on her lap. I wondered why all three of them did that, It always made me feel like a little child. Nevertheless, maybe that was what I needed, to feel like a protected kid.

"What happened, T?" Emma asked me gently.

"We had an argument," I barely uttered, not wanting to elaborate further. What I told Lena the night before was still valid. I didn't want them to know the whole truth.

"Why?"

"Did you finally break up?" Emma and Sarah asked at the same time to what Emma shot Sarah dirty look. The red-headed girl just shrugged, not regretting the words she said.

"I don't want to talk about it," I muttered, telling the truth. I really didn't want to. I just wanted to lie down and have someone hold me while I cried. I didn't want to talk, to think, to feel. I just wanted someone to hold me in their arms and never let me go.

"It's going to be okay, T. I'm sure it's gonna work out, you'll get back together."

"I hope not," Sarah countered.

"Sarah!" Emma shot her a look again.

"What? I'm right, the guy is a total jerk."

"You don't have to tell her that now, they love each other."

"So?"

"So they'll reconcile, I'm sure. He's good to her, that's what matters, not your opinion."

"Emma! Shut up!" Lena's sharp voice made all three of us jump. Nobody expected that from her. I could read the confusion due to the way she reacted on Sarah and Emma's faces. Lena had never been so angry and furious. Her face was never as flushed and she never allowed fury to overpower her rationality. And yet, I understood her reaction and almost burst into tears once again because of it.

Before anyone had a chance to speak, the sound of a bell echoing through the room prevented us from doing so. Since I wanted to get out of the awkward situation I found myself in as soon as possible, I quickly muttered that I would open the door and somehow slipped out of Emma's arms. I practically ran to the exit due to the tension in the room that choked me. However, what greeted me was much worse. I didn't know why I had such bad luck in my life, but I started to feel it too well on my shoulders.

Right in front of me, with a penitent look in his eyes and red roses in his hand, stood the man I loved the most in the world and the man who hurt me the most in my life.

A/N

Question: Who is your favorite character (s) in the book?

Yes, I know this chapter is a bit, I don't even know how to describe it, passive I guess. However, I had to write it because nothing else would make sense.

I'm sorry for not posting, but I have a really bad toothache and it has been like that for days now, which is why I was under so much stress that in the end, my neck started to hurt too. Therefore, I realized it would be better to post at least something, even if It's idk, before something else happens to me and then I start to be dramatic and all (And yes, I'm a complete baby when sick).

Instagram -> v_jelenaa

Love you all xx