"The hardest part of being in an emotionally abusive relationship, it's actually admitting you're in one." ― Anna Akana

"It is better to break your own heart once than having someone breaking it every day. " ― Unknown

"When someone isn't treating you right, no matter how much you love them, you've got to love yourself more and walk away." ― Unknown

"...Everything you love will burn up in the light..."

- Make me wanna die – The Pretty Reckless

Chapter 28

There were days when I spent hours watching rhythmic rainfall through the window. Nothing in my life calmed me like that somewhat mystical sight. Every noise, every movement, every scent, engulfed the cells of my body, making my peace eternally fresh. A million different thoughts, scenarios, memories would pass through my head, and yet, it was as if there was nothing, only emptiness and some warmth that spread through my blood. The universe was in perfect harmony.

It was that exact feeling that completely disappeared from the deepest parts of my mind as I sat my eyes on the man I loved. His eyes were the exact opposite of the said feeling. There was no harmony or mysticism in them. They were dominated by a hurricane that was preparing to destroy everything in its path.

There were countless times when I saw him looking like that, when his anger would exceed every limit, but this time it was as if there was something else, something different, something far more dangerous. Maybe it was just a feeling of mine, which essentially felt the same as always, only it used to quickly be forgotten, hiding in some deep corner of my mind. And yet, there was something truly wicked in the way his eyes tried to burn our intertwined hands.

Although to him, the move I made right after noticing him must have been eons too late, I immediately pulled my hand out of Luke's. It was not so difficult to conclude that all but rational and realistic scenarios were going through Mateo's head as to why he had witnessed that.

As if all the alcohol had magically evaporated from my body, I no longer felt even the slightest bit tipsy or disoriented. The hurried, almost insane beats of my heart did not stop me from taking heavy, shaky steps in his direction, in hope that I would be able to alleviate the inevitable catastrophe. I glanced briefly at the door on the floor behind him. I didn't allow myself to think about how he had certainly broken it so he could come inside, or why he showed up in the first place. The only thing I cared about was to somehow calm the flames that were burning inside him.

"Mateo-" I started uncertainly but he did not allow me to finish. When I was close enough, he gripped my wrist with his strong, rough hands and pulled me hard, putting me behind his body, as if protecting me. However, those were by no means his true intentions. My well-being was not on his mind at that particular moment, but rather the need to hide me from the eyes of my friends, especially one of them.

"Look, mate," Luke started, but Mateo literally growled, stopping him from speaking further. Luke's intention was as clear as a day. He wasn't going to shut up. He wasn't afraid of anyone, which was very unfortunate.

I could never understand why many people have a need to act as if they are not afraid of anything, as if fear is an unknown word for which there is no explanation in the dictionary. More often than not, courage has been shown to be more a reflection of madness than wit. Fear is a necessity, essential and inevitable. Fear is what had kept many alive.

Judging by the way things were going, it was difficult to expect that that scenario would be the result of this situation as well.

I tried shaking my head frantically to let Luke know it was better for him to keep his mouth shut. For a moment his gaze stopped on mine and based on a quick change of his facial expression, I realized that he understood the message. However, that movement of his that lasted only a few milliseconds did not go unnoticed by Mateo. His rage which didn't even need a trigger flared up in flames that threatened to destroy everything around him.

The warmth of Mateo's hand left my skin, leaving behind only the ashes of its grip. He walked slowly, with heavy steps, until he stopped right in front of Luke. Their physical closeness could seem to a stranger like a declaration of love, however, there was nothing positive in the way they looked at each other, much less something so pure and innocent.

"It seems that I haven't been clear enough, so maybe it's time to issue the last warning. You're forbidden to touch her. You're forbidden to speak to her. You're forbidden to look at her. You're fucking forbidden to think about her," every word that left Mateo's mouth was more poisonous than the previous. His grim face and frowning lines served as a threat loud enough to be received for miles around him.

"Listen, you got it all wrong-" Luke tried to explain, but it didn't matter. When he was in a raging state, there were no words in this world that could calm Mateo down.

"Don't worry about what and if I got it wrong. You better watch what you're doing, trust me," he continued with the threats.

"Or what?" Luke raised his eyebrow and crossed his arms over his chest, a universal sign of a challenge.

My heart started beating even faster. As soon as the words left his mouth, I knew that there was no going back and that now only a miracle can prevent bloodshed.

"Or-" Mateo started, getting in his face "you won't even have enough time to regret it," he finished in an icy voice.

Luke was either insanely brave or bravely insane. There was no better way to define his next move. His face flushed and his eyes showed so much hatred whose existence in Luke's being had hitherto been questioned.

"We'll see who'll regret it," I would probably admire his calmness and somewhat cynicism if the next moment Mateo hadn't jumped on him and grabbed him by the neck. However, Luke did not hold back either. Almost instantly he retaliated in the same way. His arms were around Mateo's collar, probably aiming a little higher but he was prevented amid the discomfort he felt. Mateo wasn't exactly choking him, but he visibly put pressure on his skin, as if telling him that he could snap his neck at any moment.

"You don't really want to live, do you?" Mateo gritted his teeth, more as a statement than a question. Before he could do anything else, I woke up from whatever paralyzing nightmare I was in and ran up to them. I tried to get Mateo's hands off Luke, but I wasn't particularly successful.

"Mateo, let him go," I was surprised by how strong and firm my voice sounded as if a tornado of emotions wasn't in me at the same exact moment.

I was shivering, but luckily he couldn't notice it since he was too focused on the guy in front of him. One would think that he had more interest in him than me.

"Mateo-" I tried one more time but he interrupted me.

"Go to the car," he said coldly, not taking his eyes of Luke.

"What?"

"Tara, get in the car, it's parked outside," he said through gritted teeth. "I'll be right there, I just have to finish something first," I knew what he meant. I knew him too well for his falsely calm voice to deceive me. And yet, that fact didn't make me any smarter.

"Mateo, you got it all wrong."

"Get in the fucking car!" He shouted with all his might, turning abruptly in my direction. His mask was slowly falling, clinging to the last atom of strength. His eyes were still enchantingly beautiful, but the hatred that shone from them spoiled the impression so much that his gaze was almost foreign to me.

"Don't order her!" For the first time in a few minutes that seemed longer than eternity, someone else's voice was heard. Sarah approached us angrily and looked at him with equal, maybe even greater hatred in her eyes.

"Tara," Mateo warned me. I didn't need him to repeat himself further, I knew what I had to do, what I must do.

"Don't you fucking do that!" Sarah tried to grab my forearm, but Mateo quickly prevented her from doing so. Luka was immediately forgotten and all his attention was once again occupied by me. He grabbed me around the waist and pulled me to his chest, shooting Sarah a dirty look to which she frowned.

"I said no one touches her!" He screamed so loudly that I closed my eyes for a moment, barely enduring the pain in my ears. I couldn't see their reaction since Mateo turned my body in his direction so the only thing I could look at was his black leather jacket.

"You're insane!" Sara countered.

"Probably," Mateo shrugged seemingly nonchalantly, but anger was still seething inside him. I would gladly agree with her statement, but I was afraid that in that case, I would only make an already bad situation worse.

"Leave her alone, don't you see that she doesn't want to go with you?" This time Emma was the one who barged in on the conversation. There was a shudder in her voice. I admired her courage. I knew how much his very appearance instilled fear in her bones, and yet she found the strength to try to help me. Sometimes we are not even aware of how fundamentally good friends we have and that prevents us from appreciating them in the way they deserve.

"She's mine! Don't interfere, otherwise, I will lose all control I have over myself!" he growled, to which I jumped up and almost instinctively wrapped my arms around his torso, hoping that at least that would calm him down. I lowered my head, avoiding his contemptuous look, but I was not spared its intensity.

"You and I are going to talk too, don't you worry," he said venomously, to which I swallowed. Tension spread through my body, preparing it for what awaited it.

"Are you threatening her?" Luke, who was silent the entire time, asked him angrily. I tried to turn in their direction but Mateo wouldn't let me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me completely to him.

"I'm threatening you, don't worry. And now excuse me, my girlfriend and I are leaving and be sure that she won't return."

It all happened within a few seconds and I almost barely register it. Mateo lifted me and slung me over his shoulder causing me to let out a groan. A surprising movement threw me off track and for a moment I felt like I was suffocating. I heard voices, but as if they were miles away, I couldn't make them out, much less understand them. I also heard Mateo's voice, strong and sharp, but again I couldn't understand what he was talking about. It sounded like an argument, I felt like I was constantly spinning in circles, like I was being thrown around, and yet, I didn't understand a thing. I didn't know why what he did hit me so badly, but I had never experienced such a feeling. The pounding in my chest was so loud it could be heard by the whole planet. I felt a slight breeze on my face, but suddenly it became so hot that I could barely feel it as if it never passed the sensory threshold.

Even when my head no longer hung from my body but stood upright, securely attached to my neck, even then I could not come to my senses immediately. Blood rushed to my head again, causing a mild headache, and the surface I was sitting on drew me in.

I jumped at the loud noise that came from my left side. Only then, as if withdrawn from a trance, did I slowly begin to understand where I was and what was happening around me. We were on the move, Mateo, me and the silence that haunted the now familiar vehicle. I didn't understand what happened a few seconds before or why I didn't remember the moment we left Emma's home. I couldn't even remember what happened to my friends, why did they let me leave with him just like that.

Or maybe they didn't. I turned for a moment and glanced at Mateo whose eyes were fixed on the road. His jaw was clenched and his eyes still guarded with hatred and anger. He looked murderous, beautiful but deadly. I immediately looked away, afraid of what I would otherwise cause. The rest of the way back to his penthouse I spent aimlessly watching the rhythmic rain falling through the window. Surprisingly, the scene did not have the same effect as before.

-

Mateo's maniacal driving came to an end very quickly. During the short time we spent inside the car, neither of us spoke. The only things that could be heard were our irregular breathing and the sounds coming from the outside.

After parking in the garage, he got out of the car like a rocket and practically ran to my side. He yanked the door open and without giving me a single glance, he grabbed me by the upper arm and pulled me out. The movement was so quick and forceful that I barely managed to keep my balance and not fall on the floor. However, he didn't care, or so it seemed. He completely ignored my struggles and pushed me towards the elevator that led to the apartment.

If that was possible at all, standing in that small space was even more uncomfortable than ever before. Mateo did not let go of my arm, firmly holding me, the consequences of which were certainly visible. Still, he wasn't looking at me. I couldn't even remember the last time that was the case. He was raging inside, it was painfully obvious, but the fact that he still hadn't exploded gave me additional, awfully heavy nervousness.

Finally, after a few annoying seconds, there was a familiar sound of the elevator coming to its stop. Mateo didn't wait, but as soon as the door opened, he pulled me back inside the penthouse. He walked so fast that this time I actually stumbled a few times on my own foot, but miraculously, I stayed in one piece.

I didn't even notice where he was leading me until the moment when I felt the air almost being knocked out of my lungs due to falling on a soft surface. He threw me on the bed, it took my brain a few moments to register what had happened.

I closed my eyes tightly as if that was what could get me out of this situation, to help me. But I knew it was in vain. I knew that I had to endure his tantrum and still try to explain the situation to him, no matter how much he refused to accept it. I hoped that he might initially show his aggressive tendencies and whatever was going on in his head in those moments, and because of that, he would, later on, give in and calm down. Maybe. Maybe.

"What do you have to say for yourself?" he asked me angrily.

I turned to face him with slow movements, barely finding the strength to look him in the eyes. Those eyes, in addition to all the emotions I had seen earlier, now held something else too, something that was slowly but surely breaking my heart. He felt betrayed.

"Mateo, you misunderstood everything," I took a deep breath and calmed my voice a bit to try to talk to him rationally. But how to talk rationally with someone who is everything but?

"Explain it to me then, love," he laughed with a laugh that was so fake, it physically hurt. The usually sweet nickname sounded like poison the way he pronounced it. I swallowed again, holding on to the one last atom of strength I had left.

"Look, Luke was just-" I started, but he immediately interrupted me.

"Don't say his name!" He shouted, to which I raised my hands in defense.

"Okay, okay. Anyway, he just wanted to give me support for something stupid. He thought I needed it but I didn't. The whole thing literally happened right before you showed up. "

"You don't say?" He commented sarcastically, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Mateo, why would I lie to you?" I desperately tried to reason with him.

"I don't know, why did you lie when you said you were going to a female friend's house for a sleepover?" He raised an eyebrow in irritation, to which I looked at him confused.

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about how my dear girlfriend told me that she was going to see her friend and that she would spend the night with her, and guess who I found her with? Various women and men. Who knows what you were doing!" He spat out those words that hit me so hard the wind was knocked out of me once again. This time, both physically and mentally.

I jumped to my feet as soon as I came to my senses and in the blink of an eye, I appeared in front of him, slightly shoving him away. This time he was not the only one who was furious. Anger in me threatened to flare up in all directions, miles away.

"How dare you?!" I pointed my index finger at him and pressed it sharply against his chest. The feeling that formed in the bottom of my throat was so disgusting that I thought I would faint.

"How dare I? Why exactly? You acted like some who-" I interrupted him before he could finish the sentence. I didn't know where that display of courage came from, but I pushed him away so hard that he staggered, stumbled and would surely have fallen if, fortunately or unfortunately, there wasn't a wall behind him. He quietly groaned, hitting his head.

For a few moments, we were just standing there in complete silence. He was still leaning against the wall, his eyes closed, and I was not far from him, as angry as a bull. I couldn't even be shocked by my achievement because of the amount of rage that filled every cell of my body.

After a few seconds that seemed like they lasted forever, he finally opened his eyes with light, yet heavy movements and pointed them directly at me. His beautiful, dark irises were completely focused on mine as if there was some unbroken thread that connected them and did not allow them to separate. I shuddered at the bond as the chill ran through my body.

He didn't wait long. Without looking away from me, he headed back in my direction, taking loud steps. He paused barely a few millimeters away. The heat his body emitted slowly but surely enveloped mine, spreading fire inside every pore of my skin. I was so fascinated by that feeling that I didn't even notice when his strong hand grabbed my jaw and held it in a deadly grip, not letting me take my eyes off his as if that was even possible.

"That is the first and last time you've done that, am I clear?" He said quietly in the familiar low voice that should serve me both as a warning and a threat. However, that same insane courage still reigned over me, forcing me to do things that I would never do in a sober state.

"This is the first and last time you've called me that, am I clear?" I asked him in the same way to which he raised an eyebrow. Had he not been so enraged, he would probably have found my act of courage amusing, but unfortunately for me, that was not the case.

"And how should I call you considering what you're doing?"

"I didn't even know they would be there, Mateo!" I said in despair and threw my hands up in the air. It didn't sway him from his intentions, his eyes still held mine with the same intensity.

"Even if you didn't, why the fuck did you stay when they came?!" That mask that had previously started to fall, and which was then glued with some low-quality material, continued its fall, this time all the way down.

"I just wanted to spend time with my girlfriends."

"As far as I've had a chance to see, those three imbeciles are not girls!"

"I know, but if I had left, who knows if I would have had the opportunity to spend as much time with Sarah, Emma and Lena again."

"Why does it matter?!" he bellowed. At this point, our conversation has been reduced to screaming and shouting. I didn't even know how we were able to hear ourselves from the tone and strength of our voices.

"Because I feel lonely, Mateo!" I almost spat those words in his face. I didn't want to admit them, but they were true. I missed my friends. I lost a family I obviously never had and I refused to lose them too.

"You have me!" He told me, sounding almost offended.

"Mateo, I can't spend every second of my time with you," I tried to reason with him, but there was no point. He always did what he thought was right.

"Why not?"

"Because I have a life outside of our relationship."

"I don't have one."

"Well, that's your problem, then," I may have sounded like a cold-hearted bitch, but it was true. As much as I loved him, there were times when he would suffocate me. I couldn't imagine myself without him by my side, but again I desperately wanted him to finally understand that I needed my friends, my freedom, my minute of silence. The fact that he didn't realize that his invisible bars were making me claustrophobic was maddening.

"My problem?" He laughed wickedly without any trace of humor and tightened the hold on my jaw. "My only problem is that you obviously can't stay away from assholes."

"Those assholes are my friends," I pathetically tried to defend them.

"Well, not anymore."

"You don't get to decide that."

"I'm exactly the one who gets to decide that," He smirked. I could understand his jealousy. Stephan was my ex-boyfriend, and only someone whose emotional intelligence was close to zero wouldn't notice the way Luke looked at me. So yes, I understood him. Maybe I would have understood him even better and actually done something about it if he had just sat down with me to talk about it. However, as always, he chose the harder path. A path that undoubtedly led to a collapse.

"Stop acting like you own me."

"You're mine!" He refused to stop screaming.

"Maybe not for long!" I didn't even think before I said that. It was as if the words just flew out of my mouth with every intention of hurting him. I didn't really mean those words, I couldn't. I loved him, I loved him too much to leave him for such nonsense. And yet, I did say it. My lips, my vocal cords, my tongue, every part that participated in the formation of those letters was mine. That sentence sounded so foreign to my ears that I didn't even know what was more surprising, that, or what happened after.

The pain followed very quickly. In a period of barely one second, Mateo swung his hand, made contact with my cheek, and managed to make a sound that sounded too animalistic to come from a human being.

Unlike last time, this slap was not so painful. I didn't know how he managed, but he refrained to some extent from using his full strength on me, probably knowing that it was questionable whether I would have been alive if that hadn't been the case. Somehow that fact was worse than the scenario where he would really hit me with all his might.

My head was turned to the side, forced into that position due to the actions of a person who allegedly loved me. I refused to turn to face him yet. I slowly brought my hand to my cheek for reasons I didn't even know myself. Was I in mild shock? I was, of course I was. I truly believed that some mistakes were just that - a mistake, an instantaneous and rare loss of control. But this time, was that really the case? The palm of my icy cold hand served as a coating on the already glowing skin of my cheek.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and opened them again. I looked up at the ceiling once and then did what I had prayed many times in my dreams to never happen. I turned to face him.

He looked worse than I did, without being the one to suffer someone's loss of control. His shocked eyes were pointed to his hand, the same one which he used to give me such an expensive gift. His fingers were trembling, and he was so shocked and shaken by his action that a wave of salty fluid formed in his eyes. But at that point, I didn't care. I absolutely didn't care.

"This is the second time you've done this," I began in an icy voice, a voice I didn't even know was possible. He jumped when he heard me speak, and looked up uncertainly at me. His eyes full of tears aroused absolutely nothing in me. In those moments, I was exactly that, a void that felt nothing. "There won't be a third."

I didn't wait. I just flew out of the apartment, not looking back, not even once. My words probably caused a torrent of emotions in him because after a few milliseconds I heard his crying, scared and defeated voice calling me to come back. He followed me, his heavy footsteps reaching my ears as if mocking me,

I hurried.

He quickened his pace.

I ran.

He ran after me.

He gave all his strength, but I gave mine too.

And there is not, has never been, nor will there ever be, something more desperate, powerful and stronger in this world than a broken woman. You can't beat her because she has already known loss, and when such a woman loses, every victory will become so minor that it will fall lowest it can, beneath every defeat.

The rain was pouring down with all its might. Thunder and lightning raged across the sky as if sending me a message. But I didn't have time to think about its meaning. Not far from the building, a taxi had just stopped, dropping the young couple to their destination. The boy and the girl looked beautiful, perfectly fitting with each other. They melted in their embrace as if the whole world was theirs and the two of them were the only thing that existed on it. The scene was touching, but it failed to make me slow down and go back to the abyss from which I was trying to escape. For the first time, I was grateful for that insane courage I objurgated so much.

I accelerated into a full sprint and practically jumped into the car. Like a crazy woman, I started yelling at the driver to drive. Where? I didn't know myself, nor did I want to know, the only thing that mattered was that the destination should be far from this place. Whether out of fear or pity, the driver obeyed me. He started the car and stepped on the gas. Mateo appeared just in time so our eyes could meet.

One small, treacherous tear slid down my face when I finally lost sight of him.

Why does love have to hurt?

A/N

No, It's not the end. There's plenty of chapters left.

Instagram -> v_jelenaa

Love you all xx