"Not all wounds are visible." ― unknown

"He's sort of a Svengali... It means someone who's manipulative. More than that: somebody who makes you think that you need him in order to accomplish anything."
― Anne Beattie

"Pain is necessary. Pain is life. Without pain there can be no joy." ― Rick Yancey

"...I want to heal, I want to feel,
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long (erase all the pain 'til it's gone)
I want to heal, I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong..."

- Somewhere I belong – Linkin Park

Chapter 25

Throughout my whole life, I refused to acknowledge that a feeling of rejection existed and that it ruled over my being. For a long time, I tried to convince myself that what was happening to me was something I could change. I just had to do better, to improve, to grow and then, my father would finally start looking at me with different eyes. I was perfectly aware of the fact that I was nothing but a burden to him, but I still hoped that I could change that. For that exact reason, his words, and especially his eyes that held so much hatred in them, hit me like the most disastrous hurricane, knocking every atom of oxygen out of my body.

I didn't feel pain in my knees when I collapsed on the floor. The only thing I felt was a heaviness in my chest and I was slowly losing my ability to breathe. It was horrible. The tears did not stop falling and my vision was completely blurred. I had to constantly take deep breaths so my lungs could keep working. I felt like I was going to lose consciousness at any moment. I was shivering. I felt like I was freezing, and yet again I was covered in sweat that was evaporating uncontrollably from my body. My heart rate was getting weaker and no matter how hard I tried to calm myself, I couldn't.

I barely registered Mateo's arms around my tiny and at that moment very fragile body. He pulled me to him, put my head on his shoulders and left numerous kisses on my forehead. His heartbeat used to calm me more than everything, but this time it didn't help. Moreover, it had a completely opposite effect. I wanted him to leave me alone, to let me be swallowed in the pit of my loneliness, self-pity and misery. I needed nothing more but to slowly sink into nothingness.

"Love?" Mateo tried to bring me back to reality. If I hadn't been as engrossed in my own world, I would probably have laughed at the way he addressed me. So gently and chastely, the complete opposite of what he really was.

I didn't respond. Not that I could even If I wanted to. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself, slowly realizing that I was losing everything.

"Everything will be fine," he whispered. This time I couldn't help but let out a sarcastic, slightly hysterical laugh.

I had heard this sentence many times in my life, not only when it was said to me, but also when I was the one who said it to others. Every time it was said I was aware there was no point In doing it. It didn't even lead to the well-being of the person for whom it was intended, because the person is perfectly aware, that it was pure nonsense. Maybe everything eventually will be fine, who knows, but at the moment when someone experiences such strong emotions, that attempt to provide a kind of peace means nothing. Sometimes, it's not even an attempt to help. Sometimes people don't even know what to do, but they feel the social pressure that they have to make it easier for someone and do whatever it takes to make them feel better. But that is completely wrong and only makes the situation worse for both sides.

I let out a yelp as Mateo put his hands under my knees and around my waist and lifted me into his arms. For a moment, the negative thoughts left my body because of the fear due to his sudden actions. I wrapped my arms around his neck so I wouldn't accidentally fall and put my face in the crook of his neck. He kissed me gently on the forehead and headed up the stairs to his room. When he brought us to the desired destination, he sank on a bed covered with navy blue, silk sheets. He put me down in a lying position so my head was resting on his shoulder and my leg was draped over his crotch and abdomen. He slowly brought his hand to my hair and gently run his fingers through the strands of the now wild, disheveled crown.

"Are you okay?" He asked in an uncertain voice. And finally, the three words that unmistakably had the same effect every time were uttered. Tears that had been dried for only a moment, like a waterfall, began to fall again, breaking down every unbroken barrier that had been built over the years.

"I just wanted him to appreciate me," I choked out my words in between sniffles from crying. I turned my head and pushed it even more in his chest, wetting his black shirt that fit him better than the world's best model. I grabbed the rough cloth in my fists, squeezing so hard I almost destroyed it. He didn't care. He just pulled me impossibly closer to him, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. His warm hands were in stark contrast to the icy temperature of my body.

"I know, but don't cry. Your tears are not worth it," he tried to reassure me, but it made no difference. I wasn't listening. I was too busy with the ongoing battle in my head. The moment came when I could no longer keep my feelings to myself. I had to let them out, otherwise, I would burst.

"Nothing more, Mateo, just that. To look at me with approval in his eyes for once. He doesn't have to love me, just to say one nice word to me, just one," my voice cracked and a new burst of tears began to run down my face. "I don't have anyone now," I sobbed. I didn't know where I got so much fluid in my body for the amount of tears that left it, but it seemed as if the coast was nowhere to be seen.

I felt his body stiffen. Tension erupted from every pore of his being.

"What do you mean you don't have anyone? You have me. Only me, that's enough," he tried to maintain a previously soft, attentive voice, but he didn't succeed. A faint, barely perceptible tinge of anger broke through that mask.

I didn't know how to respond. I couldn't even begin to explain how different his attention and his presence were from what my heart had longed for, that being paternal acceptance. And yet, when I looked into his dark eyes that held my whole world in their pupils, eyes that hid a million different emotions, love, sadness, fear, anger, and eyes that glazed over with the beauty of unshed tears that he barely kept from falling, I couldn't tell him that, or anything similar that could hurt him for that matter. I realized that one part of me would always be filled with emptiness, crying out for what I had never had that had been right in front of my nose, but again, the other side was hoping and slowly starting to believe that at least that one could be fulfilled, and maybe, I hoped, be happy.

"I love you." Three words, eight letters. The words just flew out of my mouth, without me even thinking about their meaning. And only when they were already out I realized how true they really were. Somewhere along the way from the moment I first saw him that day in the club when he watched the bloodshed unfold without a single emotion on his face, and throughout all those times when he made jealous scenes, when he protected me with fists and blood and when he loved me, all the way to this exact moment when he held me in his arms and did everything to make me feel better with his touches, more than his words, somewhere along the line I fell completely and madly in love with him

He looked at me in shock. It was the first time I told him that I loved him, even though he had admitted his feelings for me countless times before. However, this was the first time I even acknowledged how deep mine were. His face, which was normally serious, lit up like never before. He hugged me even tighter and kissed me hard, his lips acting like a cure for every bad thing that had ever happened to me. I didn't know what that confession would bring me, whether something bad or good, happiness or pain, but that didn't matter at that moment. In that magical moment, only the two of us mattered.

"I love you, Tara, too much. I will always be there. Remember that and never even try to forget. I am yours as much as you are mine," his words acted like a strong blow aimed directly to my chest. The air was knocked out of my lungs. Although, somewhere deep inside, I knew that, the way he said it, so confidently and decisively, put the whole thing in a new, much, much more realistic perspective. One of those perspectives that has two alternatives in the end - it takes you to heaven or hell.

-

"You can't buy a dog, Tara," the annoyed voice of my best friend woke me up from the dreamland I fell into, thinking about the future I could have with a small, fluffy animal.

"Why not?" I whined

"Cause you want the puppy for yourself, therefore, It's not a good birthday present," she looked at me with judgment in his eyes.

"Since when do you side with Mateo?" I asked her in annoyance.

"Never did and never will. I'm telling you this as a person with ethical codes," she replied proudly and a wide smile spread on her face.

"The world can't thank you enough," I muttered but she heard me nevertheless.

"And you are better?" she asked me accusingly.

"I never claimed to have them," I shrugged.

"Obviously, because that would be a total and absolute lie."

"You do know that those two words have the same meaning?"

"I beg to differ."

"Because your opinion matters...?" I raised my eyebrow.

"I feel negative energy radiating from you. Something tells me you're not joking anymore," she crossed her arms and looked at me carefully, analyzing every aspect of my face, looking for something.

"I'm sorry, I live in some other world these days," I laughed, but it sounded forced. I tried to ignore the anxiety that was growing in me because we were standing in the middle of the mall, in front of a pet store, arguing half-jokingly while passers-by were sending us curious glances.

"Are you okay?" again those damned words. I shivered for a moment, but, luckily, she didn't notice.

"I'm fine. Maybe I have flu or something," I lied and automatically felt bad. I never used to hide things from her, but even now that wasn't my intention. A few weeks passed since the awful dinner and my feelings didn't subside completely. Mateo's behavior was better than ever, which made me slightly suspicious. He was gentle, caring, careful to not say something wrong as if he was taking care of a fragile glass figure that could very easily shatter. That behavior was diametrically different from his usual passionate, tense, angry, dominant and obsessively jealous demeanor. He was still dominant, the trait that I liked more than it was healthy, but again he tried to control himself as best as he could.

My parents didn't contact me. I didn't receive a single message. I spent my days in Mateo's apartment, considering that the very next day, after the fateful evening, I was evicted from my own. I intensively searched for job advertisements and sent my resume when I found a suitable offer, but I didn't receive a single call. I tried to occupy myself with my studies, so I wouldn't fall deeper into the abyss of my father's words. Yet again, I locked up my emotions. I gave myself only one night of luxury when I relapsed and fell into the circle of pain and rejection that had been trapped inside me for years. However, the next day, there were no more tears, not even a trace of them, just tension. The tension due to which Mateo, as well as everyone else around me, felt like they were walking on eggshells.

"Why don't you-" Emma started saying but my phone rang, interrupting her. She let out a sigh of annoyance and rolled her eyes. I laughed at her reaction and pulled the phone out of my pocket. Mateo.

"Where are you?" He asked me the moment I answered. He didn't even let me say hello.

"At the mall, why?"

"I'll pick you up in five minutes."

"Okay, but why?" I asked him, but he had already hung up. I stared at the phone screen in confusion, like the poor device would give me answers.

"Mateo?" Emma asked me.

"Yeah," I responded, barely understanding what she was asking me, consumed by my own thoughts.

"Will he ever let us spend at least half an hour together alone?" She asked me angrily.

"Probably not," I jokingly said. But there always is half the truth in every joke.

"I miss you," she admitted honestly. There was sadness in her voice that made my heart hurt. I looked at her with sympathy in my eyes, both for her and for myself.

"I miss you too, Em. Here's what we're going to do. We'll spend all day together one of these days. We can have a sleepover too. What do you say?" I asked her with a huge smile plastered on my face. She jumped overwhelmed with happiness, in a literal sense.

"I love you, T," she hugged me tightly.

"I love you too, E." for the second time in such a short time I uttered those lethal words. That couldn't be good.

-

"The dress is picked up from the dry cleaner, and the shoes are home. The only thing left for you is to do your make-up if you must, or whatever it is that you do," Mateo started bombarding me as soon as I got into the car that was waiting for me directly in front of the mall, and it was not even parked in the parking lot. Of course, he didn't get a parking ticket. Shocking.

"What dress and what shoes? What are you talking about?" I asked him in confusion.

"I have some stupid business party tonight and you are coming with me," he told me casually as if the fact that he had just informed me about this unpleasant event did not matter at all. His eyes were fixed on the road, one hand on the steering wheel, veins popping in that attractive, sexy way. His other hand was rested on my thigh, traveling dangerously close to the hot zone of my lower body.

"First of all, why didn't you tell me earlier? Second, you had those before, why do I have to go with you now?"

"Because you are my woman and I want you by my side 24/7," he snapped and entered the sharp curve at high speed, so I staggered for a moment. He glanced quickly at me to make sure that I had fastened my seat belt and that I hadn't hurt myself. When he realized I was fine, he turned around satisfied and focused his eyes back to the road ahead.

"Weird, I seem to have retrograde amnesia. When did I get married?" I asked him in a way too cheerful voice, wanting to make a joke, but his hard stare made me give up on that and I raised my hands in surrender.

"But Mateo, I'm going to die of boredom there," I continued to complain. I knew what those parties looked like. And they weren't as good as people said. Unless gunfire is involved, of course, then the thing becomes ten times more interesting.

"You've been nagging me for so long with questions about what it is that I'm doing, and now that I want to take you with me, you refuse?"

"Me being brain dead afterwards isn't worth it."

"But you'll get a chance to put on heavy make-up and wear a dress worthy of a goddess, which, to be honest, is not good enough for you, you deserve more, but let's take into account that nothing is good enough for you, so this can hopefully work," he tried to convince me. And he was on the right path to do so. Bribery would always work on me.

"You're doing good, but still no."

"I bought you new heels, Christian Louboutin," he kept on insisting and I raised my eyebrow.

"I'll buy you new red bottoms," he corrected himself and rolled his eyes.

"Deal," I said smiling.

"Finally," he muttered in irritation, probably not wanting me to hear it, but the joke was on him. I heard. I always hear everything, especially when I am mentioned in a negative context.

We spent a few minutes in comfortable silence. His touches on my thigh evoked a sense of belonging in me. I enjoyed it so much that his actions felt almost natural. It was as if my body belonged to him as much as it belonged to me. However, I wouldn't be me if I didn't spoil the moment.

"I still haven't received any calls," I commented.

"Call for what?" He asked absentmindedly, concentrated on driving.

"Job. I can't believe no one wants to hire me," I said in a strong voice, frustration reeking from me. The very next moment, Mateo unexpectedly braked, the car coming to a halt at full speed. Before I could jerk forward and hurt myself, he quickly brought his arm to the upper half of my body, in the plane of my collarbone and shoulders, and nailed me back to the seat, to stop me from hitting my head.

"Why did you do that?" my heart was pounding in my chest due to fear. Mateo didn't look at me. He still hadn't removed his arm from my body, but his eyes were focused somewhere in the distance. That scared me more than anything else.

"Why were you looking for a job?" He asked me quietly and calmly. A calm before the storm.

"What do you mean why? How am I supposed to pay the rent, when I find an apartment, food, bills, clothes, shoes, et cetera?" I looked at him as if he was borderline insane. That was a logical sequence of events. I had enough of drowning in my self-pity. No matter how bad I felt, I had to take my life into my own hands. He painfully slowly turned his head in my direction. I let out a gasp due to the darkness in his eyes. Suddenly, the temperature in the car dropped 10 degrees.

"Listen very carefully, Tara, I'll say this only once," he started in a threatening voice and I gulped. "You don't need a job, you don't need an apartment, you don't need anything. I'm here to satisfy your every need and caprice. I have too much money to give you whatever you want whenever you want," he finished in a dangerous voice. A shiver ran down my spine, but I still didn't want to give up. I secretly hoped he might give in if I tried again.

"But Mateo, you can't support me and pay stuff for me."

"I fucking told you I wouldn't repeat myself. You will not work, I forbid you and with that, I put an end to this topic."

I kept my mouth shut. For now.

-

I kept staring at myself in the mirror. I looked unreal, no matter how arrogant that sounded. The divinely white, mermaid dress that barely revealed anything, clung perfectly to my body, ravishing every single curve. The beautiful gold heels couldn't be seen, considering that the dress was floor-length, but the fact that they were on my feet in the first place made me feel powerful and fearless.

After a few moments, I saw Mateo's reflection in the mirror. I was surprised for a moment because it was one of those rare days when I would see him in a suit. Of course, that didn't stop him from being dressed in a completely black combination. Even his tie was black. Not one other color on him. Not one.

He approached me and wrapped his arms around my waist, drawing me to his body. My back was completely pressed against his chest. He brought his lips to the crook of my neck, leaving lingering kisses on my sensitive skin, and without moving them for a second, he looked up and shifted his gaze to my eyes eye through the mirror. We looked powerful. That was the main and best adjective to describe our appearance. Powerful - divine but at the same time lethal. Two sides of the same coin.

"You're perfect," he whispered in a breathy voice like he was completely lost in my eyes.

"You're not bad either," I smirked. He laughed and I followed. We both knew he looked far better than that.

"By the way, could you have chosen a dress that covers more skin?" I teased, raising an eyebrow.

"Hardly since there wasn't one," he said honestly without a hint of humor in his voice. I rolled my eyes. I was starting to think that his jealousy was pathological. "Love, you are really beautiful, stunning, magical, bewitching, but you are even more gorgeous without all that crap on your face. Why do you even put on so much make-up?" We both knew that the reason for his animosity towards make-up was not what he just stated, so I acted accordingly.

"Because I love doing it, you know that," I said with slight accusation in my voice.

"But I don't want others to look at you," he whined.

"Pop their eyeballs out," I shrugged and laughed, to which he dropped his gaze thoughtfully to the floor. He seemed like he was considering the option.

"Mateo, I was kidding!" I looked at him in shock.

"I wasn't," he told me firmly.

"Unfortunately, I know," I exhaled and turned around so we would be face to face, wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him briefly.

"Princess, when we arrive, don't you dare get out of my sight for a second, not even for a millisecond or whatever comes after," he was giving me the speech, but I interrupted him.

"Micro, nano, pico, femto, atto, zepto, yocto?" I looked at him questioningly, to which he returned with the one of surprise. I liked the feeling of catching him when he was unprepared. I have to do something like that again.

"Why do you even know that?"

"Because I'm a genius?" I was blinking rapidly, my big eyes filled with false hope, so I would look innocent enough for him to believe me. However, he gave me a pointed stare, reminding me that he wasn't stupid at all. I sighed in defeat. "Okay, maybe I heard it in a video," I rolled my eyes.

"So, are we clear?" He asked me seriously, obviously not interested in what kind of video that was, which was definitely better for his health.

"Yes, dad," I rolled my eyes yet again, before I realized what I was saying.

"I like it, and I'll like it more in bed," he winked and smirked mischievously.

This is going to be a long night.

A/N

I have an indescribable need to ask if you've noticed one causal clue in the behavior of one of the characters in this chapter, but I'll probably spoil the fun if I say what it's about so I'll just let myself drown in my obsessive need to know other people's thoughts. Maybe that's why I'm a psychology student.

Instagram -> v_jelenaa

Love you all xx