"Not every "sorry" deserves an "It's okay" in return."

"Why does she stay?" is code for some people for "It's her fault for staying," as if victims intentionally choose to fall in love with men intent upon destroying us."

– Morgan Steiner

"Love is the most dangerous weapon in the world. It's more unstable than uranium."

– Rick Yancey

"...And he's got my name,
Tattooed on his arm his lucky charm
So I guess it's okay he's with me
And I hear people talk
Trying to make remarks keep us apart
But I don't even hear
I don't care..."

- Criminal – Britney Spears

Chapter 22

At almost any point in my life, I was able to recognize and describe my feelings. It didn't matter if it was fear, sadness, anger or happiness, at least some sort of hint was always there, letting me know why my heart was pounding like crazy in my chest, why I was shaking or why tears were pouring down my face. However, in the moments after Mateo's slap, I was so overwhelmed with many different emotions, I got to the point where I was out of reality. I existed in time and space, but that was it. I just existed, as if that was my only purpose. I sat motionlessly on the floor, staring off into the distance. I wasn't aware of the things around me. It was as if suddenly darkness had engulfed my body, there was nothing else left, just the dull beating of my heart.

"Baby?" Like an echo, the sound of a trembling voice came to my senses, and yet, there was nothing.

"Tara?" Again, the same voice, the same echo, the same nothing.

Somewhere deep inside I knew I had to bring myself back, to make myself think again, to look, but it was difficult. I was a prisoner of my own emotions I wasn't even able to recognize. I was so engrossed in the nothingness that I bareley felt someone's skin on my body and I didn't even react when afterward I couldn't feel my feet touching the floor anymore. The only thing I was aware of was that it didn't last long. A second later, I found myself on an uneven surface, yet, I still didn't react. The state I was in couldn't be called a state of shock anymore, it was worse than that, much more dangerous.

However, it seemed that there was a way out for me as well. As if struck by the strongest force there was, I jerked the moment the boy, whom I later recognized as Mateo, brought his hands to my cheeks and cupped them gently. At that moment, everything was brought on me as if it had fallen off a cliff. I was finally awakened from whatever trance I was in.

I didn't wait long. I jumped off his lap and for the first time that night, I looked at him, really seeing him. His eyes were wide, worried, and they were hiding another emotion I couldn't decipher, but which was strangely reminiscent of fear. It was laughable, really. I could hardly imagine Mateo afraid. He jumped after me, but it was rather obvious that he himself had no idea what he should do. His demeanor was proof enough that he didn't even know how what had happened had happened. I had a slight suspicion though seeing as It wasn't the first time someone hit me. The only thing left for me was to hope it was the last.

"Tara, love, I ..." he paused. He didn't know what to say or how to justify himself. Was justification even possible? I shook my head and once again raised my hand to touch my cheek. It didn't hurt that much, but I still felt a slight tingling and numbness. Even though I didn't look at the mirror, I was sure it was bruised.

"Princess, forgive me, please!" he ran to my side by I took a step back and raised my hand in front of my body, stopping him from coming near me. I kept shaking my head, trying to keep the treacherous tears from falling.

"Please don't do this to me, I made a mistake," he said with a sad expression on his face and shoulders so low he looked like a penitent on his way to atone for his sins.

"You made a mistake?" I asked with a sarcastic smile. Where did I found the courage to speak with him in that way was a mystery.

"Tara, you have to believe me," this time, my outstretched hand didn't stop him. He grabbed me around the waist and nailed me to him. I tried to push him away with all my might but it was in vain, he was too strong.

"Let me go!" Tears began to gather in my eyes, which were the product of anger more than anything else. I continued with unsuccessful attempts to get rid of him, but they were no more successful than the previous ones.

"Never!" He said firmly and started kissing my neck. I tilted my head back as much as I could, but it didn't help, he found his way back to the same spot he was ravishing, regardless.

"Mateo, fucking let me go!" I shouted. I was moments away from having a breakdown. I was somewhat aware of that because it wasn't the first time I made myself come to the state where I prevent myself from processing my own emotions. I felt a well-known weight on my chest, it was almost palpable. Escape from reality put an even bigger burden on my head. I knew it was bad, that I wouldn't last long to suppress and rationalize whatever was inside me, those torrents of emotions that I didn't initially recognize. And as much as I couldn't decipher them, his touch acted like a waterfall that fell directly on my shoulders and threatened to overwhelm me. Now I knew there was something, but the thin dam that had been there for years kept me from realizing what.

"Never, Tara, never!" he repeated. "Please, don't leave me!" his voice cracked at the end. Panic, fear and sadness were evident in his eyes, but that wasn't enough to stop my hysteria, a hysteria he did not understand.

"Mateo!" I tried one more time.

"No, love, listen," he began in a weeping voice, but with certainty nonetheless. "I'll never again do the things I did. I know that I made a mistake, babygirl, I know I did! I swear I'll never allow myself to do that again! I'll treat you like a princess because you deserve it, just don't leave me! Tara no, I...I can't live without you, you have to understand me!" he tried to convince me as well as him. If I hadn't been so preoccupied with my own emotions and confusion, I might have realized what was wrong with all this. I might have noticed that the guy standing in front of me didn't look like the controlling, possessive, pathologically jealous guy he truly was. I might have wondered why did he leave his comfort zone. However, I was too much occupied by the war that was going on in my head to do so, and the only real fact that had been confirmed over and over again was that love blinds.

"Just let me go," I said tiredly, but he furiously shook his head.

"No, no, no! Not happening! Tara, I'm not letting you fucking go!" although the panic was still obvious, his voice became harder and more dangerous. "I fucking love you and you can't leave me!" He shouted with all his might. I froze. All my movements stopped. I was paralyzed in his arms. With all the willpower I could find I looked him in the eyes, completely shrouded in a veil of shock.

"What?" My lips were dry, and my voice completely strange to my ears. I was shaking. That was the first time he told me he loved me.

"I love you," he simply said with a smile. There was no trace of panic, fear or sadness on his face. He looked pleased, but the question was why?

"You don't do these things to the person you love," I muttered after regaining my composure. I added that statement of his to the already too high mountain of repressed information, not thinking too much about it at the moment. I was afraid that many things would change if I allowed myself to succumb to what he said. My bipolarity is starting to surprise even me.

"I'm aware, but I promise you that that shit will never happen again. Don't go," he said calmly, gently. However, it didn't make much of a difference.

"Mateo," I started shaking my head.

"Tara, give me one more chance."

"I don't know," I said uncertainly, a little tired of the whole situation and everything that was going on in my mind at the moment.

"I'm not letting you go." He said seriously.

"You don't have a say in that."

"Wrong," he smiled sarcastically.

"No," If it wasn't me who said it, I would probably be ashamed of how false and insecure these two letters sounded.

"One chance," he raised his index finger to put additional emphasis.

I exhaled. I couldn't take it anymore so those tears I suppressed for so long, began flowing quietly but painfully down my face. I lost strength in my muscles, and even in my whole body. If he hadn't held me so tight I probably would have been on the floor a long time ago.

"Just take me back to my apartment now, I'm really tired," I finally said, my voice completely foreign to my ears.

"Does that mean yes?" he looked at me happily, as if everything that had happened before had been forgotten. He gently cupped my cheeks and brought my face closer to his, leaving a lingering kiss on my forehead. I closed my eyes tightly. I needed all the self-control I possessed not to do something I would regret. And yet, somehow, I still regretted it.

-

"How's Victor?" I asked Emma after we left the cafe with coffee in our hands. Her beautiful brown eyes looked tired but happy.

"Better, he'll be discharged from the hospital tomorrow," she took a sip of her coffee and quickened her pace, forcing me to do the same. The second lecture was supposed to start soon, and we already missed the first one in order to pay attention to our skin. Actually we just needed our beauty sleep and thought it was more important than the words the professor would say, which we would certainly forget seeing as we were sleepy.

"They kept him longer than I thought is usual for those cases," I commented

"They still haven't found out what drugs he used, so they wanted to make sure that he is completely okay."

"Makes sense," I said, and shortly after we fell silent. We both had problems. We were under extreme tension and we absolutely didn't know what to do with ourselves. And yet, we somehow understood each other.

"Are you okay?" she finally asked me after we arrived in front of the entrance of the building. Although she refrained, especially because of what had happened a few days ago on the road, she was too worried about me not to ask me that.

"I've had better days," I told her honestly.

"Mateo?" that was more of a rhetorical question, she knew me well enough to come to that conclusion.

"Yeah."

"Wanna talk about it?" She asked me carefully so that I wouldn't think she was pressuring me to tell her even if I didn't want to, which was very out of character for her. She had always been someone who would push someone to complete exhaustion to get an answer.

"Not really," I said quietly to which she nodded her head.

We fell into a deafening silence once again. She was occupied with her problems and I was with mine. A few days passed since the incident with Mateo, and I still haven't had a clue how I felt about it. We didn't even see each other that much because I mostly spent time in the library supposedly studying. Of course, Mateo didn't let me on my own the whole day, which was expected to say the least. In the evening, when the closing time came, he would wait for me in front of the building in his expensive car and drove us to my apartment. Not a single night passed without me sleeping in his arms. That was the only condition I had to accept if I wanted him to give me some space. However, I wasn't a fool trying to deceive myself. That space was only illusory. Essentially, even if I had turned around and left that day, if I had never looked back, he would have followed me, he would not have let me go, he made that pretty clear.

"Hey T, am I imagining things or are those two girls over there Sarah and Lena?" Emma's voice brought me back to reality and interrupted the train of thoughts that were headed in a seriously dark place. I looked up and confusedly followed the direction where her eyes were fixed. She was absolutely right. Sarah's short, ginger hair couldn't go unnoticed. I started to raise my hand to wave to them, but I quickly changed my mind when I realized that they didn't pay attention to us at all. They were too busy with their argument, judging by Lena's flushed face and Sarah's irritated facial expression. Sarah was throwing her arms all over the place, trying to explain something, but Lena didn't bother to listen to her, she just walked past her. Sarah ran after her and we soon lost sight of them as they turned when they got to the end of the hallway.

"What has just happened?" Emma asked me in confusion.

"I have no clue."

-

"They're not here," Emma muttered after she scanned the whole classroom trying to find them.

We were still confused by what we had witnessed a few minutes earlier. We were both aware that Lena and Sara weren't on the best terms, the reason for which was unknown to us, but we also hadn't ever seen them in such an open argument. They bickered and provoked each other all the time, but they didn't openly show wrath.

"What is even wrong with them?" I asked her, hoping that at least she would have some kind of information.

"No idea, but they're acting way too weird."

"More than usual."

"I know, right?"

"By the way, you know what I found out yesterday?" She lowered her voice a few octaves. I turned my head in her direction, completely ignoring the professor, realizing that she most likely had some new gossips. Considering that I was way too noisy for my own good, that wasn't really surprising.

"What?"

"Remember that girl who flirted with Victor?" I nodded and gritted my teeth, remembering that she had tried the same with my boyfriend. However, Mateo was too big a maniac for her to succeed in that. Nevertheless, I still didn't want to mention that incident because none of my friends witnessed it and I wanted it to stay that way.

"I did a little digging..." she began but I interrupted her.

"Of course you did," I rolled my eyes.

"Her name is Angela Radan," she gave me a pointed look to which my eyes widened.

"Angela Radan? The one who was brutally beaten by her ex the first day of uni?"

"Exactly."

"How did I not recognize her?" I asked, still surprised by the new information. I remembered the day I first saw her. The bruises had been all over her body. Although she had tried to cover them up with huge sunglasses and many layers of makeup, she had been beaten way too brutally to succeed in her intention. She was barely able to walk and the heavy and slow movements of her chest had given the impression that she had been breathing hard. Her nose had most likely been broken if it had been judging by its incorrect position. I remembered how bad I had felt then and how much I had been angry because of what had happened to her. Rumors had spread quickly, and her then-boyfriend had been arrested very quickly. Still, what had happened had definitely left trauma. I hadn't seen her since.

"She has had a couple of plastic surgeries to repair the damage, and she also change the color of her hair," she added.

"I never would've guessed."

"I know, me neither. And I also heard that her ex will be released from prison soon. "

"You're kidding?" I looked at her in disbelief to which she only nodded. "How? He literally almost killed her, she was barely able to move," I raised my voice a little, still unable to believe what I was hearing.

"His father is tycoon," she spat.

"Of course," I said sarcastically. Those kinds of people could get away with murder, let alone domestic violence. Damn jerk, he barely spent a year in prison, like the fact that he left the girl with eternal trauma meant nothing. I felt a pang of guilt because of the way Mateo treated her, and her terrified expression finally made sense. Poor girl, she was just trying to move on.

"I feel sorry now. I was literally on the verge of making the biggest scene ever back at the trip."

"I know, me too. Me too," I murmured and exhaled.

-

I'm outside

I read Mateo's message again. I frowned at the screen, confused. I told him that I would go to the library today and I didn't understand where this came from. He was aware that I was avoiding him, or at least I was trying to, and so far he was giving me space for that. Therefore, I couldn't help but wonder what had changed now.

And just as I thought, as soon as I went outside I saw him in his black car, waiting for me. The dangerous machine attracted the attention of everyone who passed by. I said goodbye to Emma, who gave me a pointed look I couldn't decipher, and hurried towards the automobile, against my better judgment. I went inside and sat down, fastening my seat belt and not saying a word. However, our distance didn't last long. Mateo brought his fingers close to my face and gently touched my chin, turning my head towards him. A second later, I felt his lips on mine. I closed my eyes, enjoying the feeling, fully aware of how wrong it potentially was. Fortunately, the kiss didn't last long. He pulled back and immediately afterward started the engine, heading out on the road.

"If I recall correctly, I told you I'm going to the library today," I started the conversation in a calm tone, careful of his reaction.

"Yes, I know," he shortly replied.

"Why this, then?" I looked at him feeling confused, but his gaze was fixed on the road.

"What's this?"

"Why did you come here?" I had a weird feeling that the day wasn't going to end well.

"Because I wanted you to go somewhere with me," he said, letting me know that he would not elaborate on what "somewhere" meant.

"And since you wanted me to, I have to listen. You tell me to jump, and I'm already half a meter in the air, right?" I asked sarcastically.

"Exactly, I'm glad you understood."

"You're insufferable," I told him, putting an end to a conversation. I leaned back in my seat and crossed my arms.

"I know I am, babygirl, I know," he had a mysterious smile on his face, which is why I couldn't help but be suspicious. This isn't going to end well.

-

"If you think I'm going to step there, even with just my aura, you should see a therapist, mate," I told Mateo the moment we stood in front of his desired building.

"Why, you never wanted to get a tattoo?" Mateo stood behind me and put his arms around my waist, pinning me to his chest.

"I did."

"So what's stopping you?" he removed my hair from my shoulder and started kissing my exposed neck.

"Cause I'm a coward," I said seriously.

"I'll be there with you."

"I'd rather die, let's go now," I turned and headed for the car, grabbing his arm in an attempt to drag him away, but just one swift movement was enough to pull me back within a millisecond.

"Don't worry, we aren't here for you," he kissed me quickly and pulled me towards the entrance.

"Is there a part of your skin where there's room for another tattoo?" I asked curiously. I was really interested in the answer.

"There is, yes."

"Where?"

"You'll see," he winked. I wanted to say something more, but a well-known voice interrupted me.

"What's up, bro?" Leon said in a raised voice the moment we came inside. They greeted each other with their usual male greeting as I stared at him in bewilderment.

"You okay sis-in-low?" he walked towards me with a smile, probably to hug me, but Mateo pushed him away, which he rolled his eyes at, but remained buried in place.

"You're working in a tattoo studio?"

"I'm the owner," he proudly said to which I nodded my head.

"C'mon buddy, let's get this latest obsession of yours over with," he said to Mateo and raised his tattoo pen high. I swallowed the dumpling.

"I think I'm going to pass out."

The irony of it all was that the act of tattooing itself was not the reason for my barely avoided loss of consciousness. After several hours of work, an inexhaustible conversation between friends and my constant attempt to prevent myself from escaping as far as I could, the torture was over. They didn't let me see what the tattoo was about before the very end, which was definitely not the smartest decision. After it was all over, the tattoo cleaned, Leon told me to approach them. I felt Mateo's eyes on me even though I wasn't looking at him. His gaze always provoked reactions from my body. However, when I saw what his surprise was, my body produced another reaction, much different.

Exactly in the place under which the heart should reside and beat, a proud tattoo adorned Mateo's skin. The ink consisted of a line that shows the heartbeat and that continues into a single word of four letters, my name,

I couldn't take it anymore. A gentle tear fell down my face. I finally began to understand what had happened. I finally started to process all those emotions that I forbade to exist. I finally realized how deep I was stuck in this relationship. The only thing left is one single question - If I ever wanted to, could I walk away?

A/N

I was supposed to publish this chapter a few days back, but I come across this Turkish drama and I couldn't stop watching it. One episode lasts approximately two and a half hours so, things happen. But since It's my birthday, I decided it would be nice to do something productive instead, and here it is.

BTW, does anyone happen to know how to prevent random sentences for the last chapter of this book from making an appearance in my mind at 5 am when I want to finally fall asleep? I swear there's a possibility I'll go blind from the light every time I open the notes on my phone in the pitch dark so that I don't forget that sentence and write it down instead.

That's a rant for today's chapter, thank you so much. Also, if there is something confusing regarding the plot, or are not clear while reading or something doesn't make sense, don't worry. For the first time in my life I'm finally writing something with a complete plan and everything (or at least I hope, maybe I put some random nonsense here and there) is completely related to the storyline and everything is connected and has a purpose and it'll be explained in the due time - every reaction, every decision, every emotion. But of course, if you have any questions or observations, feel free to ask or comment or whatever :)

Take care of yourselves<3

Instagram -> v_jelenaa

Love you all xx