Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.

― Fyodor Dostoevsky

Just because someone desires you, does not mean that they value you.

― Julianne Cantarella

You can only actually help someone who wants to be helped

― Jojo Moyes

Chapter 20

There is a special level of anxiety when you are faced with the feeling that something isn't right, that it is out of its natural course, yet you are not aware of what that truly is. The weight you feel on your chest and the veil of mystery that seems to physically surround your brain prevents you from doing even the common, everyday tasks. The only thing left in moments of its dominance is to overthinking. Even though you are aware of the feeling, you cannot prevent whatever it is from happening. You are fighting with all your strength, but your body and mind are resisting, not giving you a moment of relief in which you will feel nothing.

That was exactly how I felt sitting in a tent with my friends, preparing for tonight's party. The four of us were under tension, although for different reasons. Sarah and Lena told Emma what had happened almost half an hour earlier, exaggerating a bit. They were trying so hard to stop themselves from giving me a lecture and I knew that at some point they would burst, however, I wasn't particularly interested. I was way too busy thinking about Mateo who was currently by the lake with his friends, giving me time to get ready. Many different and contradictory thoughts raced through my mind. I was extremely skeptical and dissatisfied with his presence and actions. I hated it when he made scenes like that, especially when it came to my friends. I knew he wanted me only for himself, but I was deeply troubled by that fact because there was no way I could make him realize that I needed a social life and that these people were my family long before he came into my life. However, on the other hand, I was extremely happy. As much as I tried to convince myself that I needed space from his constant pressure and insistence on spending every single second with me, I would be lying if I said I didn't like it. Yes, there were times when I felt overwhelmed, even claustrophobic due to the constant presence of the same person. Sometimes I needed solitude, just to recharge my batteries for the next day. However, in most cases, I liked his presence. With the exception of a few minor situations, I felt safe and protected. I loved his possessiveness, his constant need to love me, to touch me, to be in my presence. I enjoyed being the center of his world. And whenever I found myself into a similar situation as the previous one, somehow this affectionate side would always come out victorious. Each time I ran into his arms like a little, lost girl. I wonder if everything would have been different if the other side prevailed at least once?

"T, you have to break up with him!" I was brought back to reality by my friend's nervous voice.

"What are you talking about?" I looked up from the mirror I was holding.

"You can't seriously be that blind! Don't you see what that guy is doing?" Emma was so loud I was afraid my eardrums weren't strong enough to survive it.

"Technically, you're the one who didn't see what happened," I replied and went back to what I was previously trying to do - the most important thing at the moment, doing my makeup. Like I previously thought, it didn't take them long to get on with their lectures and rants.

"But I did and I agree with Emma," Sara added angrily from the other end of the tent. She was already dressed, seeing as she was never someone who spent much time getting ready. However, even though she was only dressed in black, ripped jeans and a long, white T-shirt paired with black boots and hair raised in a messy bun, she looked breathtaking. However, the frown on her face spoiled the magic.

"You're exaggerating," I said.

"Are we? The boy literally forcibly dragged you out of the water and into the woods. I was sure he was going to rip your arm off at some point. And if that wasn't enough, he was yelling at you and doing who knows what before we got there. And like icing on the cake, he almost beat the shit out of Luke!" At that point, she was practically shouting.

"I'm not so sure that that would be a case," I muttered. To some extent, I felt guilty because I said that, but it was true. If there was a fight, Mateo would most likely win, but Luke wasn't weak by all means, he would definitely put up a fight.

"That's not the point! He's obviously aggressive as fuck, who knows what he would do to you! "

"He never hit me!" I said quickly. That wasn't a complete lie. There were critical moments when he showed his aggressive side, but he had never hit me. And I was sure he wouldn't, or at least I hoped.

"Maybe not, but that doesn't mean that he won't!" Emma snapped.

"You have prejudices, you don't know him!" I was slowly beginning to lose my patience.

"Then why were you worried about me?" Sara asked suddenly.

"What?" I looked at her in confusion.

"When I tried to pull them apart, T, why were you so desperate to get me out of there and protect me from him? You were about to come to my aid but Lena and that other girl stopped you. "

"I ..." I tried to find something that would justify my actions, but It was in vain.

"Don't you dare deny it, I saw it in your eyes, It was obvious."

"Bravo, do you want applause?" I rolled my eyes.

"Tara, you're not listening!" Emma said in an almost desperate voice.

"Judging by the pain in my eardrums, I am."

"Sarcasm is not the answer, you know?"

"You do not say?"

"I give up. Do what you want, but don't come to me later and cry when he hurts you," Sarah said angrily and started walking out of the tent, but she suddenly stopped and, after a few moments, she turned in my direction. "Okay, you can come to me but know that the blood will be spilled if that shit happens," After she said that, she turned around and walked out, with Emma hot on her heels. I couldn't help but laugh. Her statement made me feel happy. As angry as she was, I knew I could always count on her. She was a friend that everyone should have.

"T..." I jumped a little when I felt Lena's hand on my shoulder. I turned around and looked at her. She seemed like she was extremely worried. For the first time in forever, I had a feeling that I was looking at my old best friend. "I know you don't like it when they attack you like that, but, as hard as it is for me to agree with Sarah, they are right. The way they approached the situation is wrong, yes, but they're worried about you."

"I know L, but you don't understand, Mateo is my boyfriend ..." I started but she interrupted me.

"I know he is, but you are our best friend who is obviously blinded by whatever he's doing. However, I know that the moment will come when you will truly see the reality and when that happens, don't despair. As much as I was a bad friend these previous weeks, I'll be there to pick up every single broken piece of your heart and mend them, and then, it'll be whole again, as it should be till the end of times." She kissed my forehead and left.

-

I put on the last layer of bright red lipstick and was finally ready for the party. The music could already be heard coming from the shore and I was quite excited to join the party. I wanted to forget about what had happened, at least for a while, and I was pretty sure that alcohol combined with dancing could help me with that.

Just as I was about to leave the tent, Mateo came inside with a huge smile on his face. He scanned my body from head to toe. I stood nervously, shifting my weight from one leg to the other in anticipation of his reaction. My anxiety rose when his eyes finally stopped on mine, and the smile that adorned his face was replaced by a frown and raised eyebrows.

"Change your clothes," he commanded, his voice void of emotions.

"Excuse me?" I asked, confused.

"You can't get out of here dressed like that." He crossed his arms and gave me a pointed look.

"What's wrong with my combination?" I lowered my confused gaze and looked at my clothes. A classic little black dress paired with black boots that reached my ankles and a black, leather jacket. I was probably more elegant than I should have been for that kind of party, but I didn't really care. I always dress to impress.

"That excuse for a dress barely covers your butt."

"First of all, it's not that short." That may have been a lie. "Second, that's why there's no décolletage, see?" I said, still not seeing the problem.

His frown deepened into a scowl. He removed his hands from his chest and took slow steps towards me. When he was close, he didn't wait for a second, but rather immediately grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards him. He completely pinned me to his body and wrapped his arms around my waist. His touch almost automatically provoked a reaction from my body. My skin was completely on fire, and my heart started beating fast. I felt such electricity flowing through my being that I thought I was going crazy, and the way he was looking at me, with such focus and determination, certainly didn't help my situation.

"I'll make something clear and I want you to put it into your cute little head and remember it. This ..." He slowly began to lower his big hands towards my ass until he managed to grab it. "is mine," he squeezed my butt cheek hard, and I automatically let out a moan. "Only I can touch you. Only I can approach you. Only I can look at you. If I ever see someone doing even something small like glance in your direction, they'll regret the day they were born. You are mine, now, always and forever, don't ever forget that." He looked at me with all the determination he had in his body. Only a fool would not recognize the hidden threat in his voice. He meant every word he said. It was then that I realized that there were no boundaries he would not cross when it came to me and that scared me more than anything in the world.

-

"Give me a stiff one," I said angrily as soon as I reached my friends.

"What happened to you?" Stephan asked me, handing me a glass containing a colorless liquid. I was instantly struck by the strong smell of homemade rakija. I couldn't help but laugh and look at him questioningly, raising an eyebrow. "You said, and I quote, a stiff one," He shrugged with a smile on his face.

"Yeah, but not one that could kill me," I added. Yet, I brought my gaze back to the liquid and stared at it for a while. "To hell with it!" I drank it in one go and made a grimace. It felt like something was burning in my throat. It was stronger than I expected.

"You were supposed to have a high tolerance to alcohol."

"Obviously you changed the recipe."

"True, we're trying to make it even stronger than usual."

"So you do want to kill someone," Sarah chimed in while Lena and Luke just watched the whole exchange in amusement.

"It's not my intention as of now, but if it happens, it happens," he shrugged once more, to which we all burst out laughing.

"How did you even manage to smuggle it on the bus?" I asked him.

"Anything is possible when the driver is an alcoholic," he said with such pride that one would think that he had just completed his Ph.D.

"Yeah, now I wouldn't worry about going back home at all," I commented sarcastically.

"Someone else will probably drive you, so," Luke spat. I knew what he was implying, but I decided to ignore him. The day was already stressful enough to start yet another conflict between them, even if it was minor and one-sided.

For a moment my gaze met Mateo's when I noticed that he was standing opposite me, leaning against a tree with a plastic cup in his hand. He looked amazing. Even from a distance, he managed to make my heart beat fast. It was a bit frightening knowing that we could fight till death, but my body would still react to his presence in the same way, full of longing, lust and passion. Hannah and Leon were talking to each other, trying to get him to join in, however, his gaze was fixed on me. He looked with disapproval at the glass I was still holding in my hand, so I immediately returned it to Stephan, to which he frowned even more. He confused me like no one else. The question is if I would be able to understand him even with an ability to read minds.

"I will never understand them." Sarah's voice brought me back to reality. I looked away from Mateo and followed her gaze. Not far from us, Emma and Victor danced quite passionately, completely lost in their own world.

"Me neither. Sometimes they love each other, sometimes they don't. They make out then they argue. What's the point?" Stephan asked in disbelief.

"The point is that its none of your business. Leave them alone," Lena snapped.

"But keeping track of what is going on in other people's lives is literally my only hobby," I said sadly, to which she gave me a hard stare.

"Tara, keep track of your own life, you have enough problems." She was probably right, but my life wasn't exactly interesting like that. However, not wanting to annoy Lena further, seeing as at times she could be scarier than my own father, I turned to look at Mateo again. However, I regretted that movement instantly. The same blonde who had previously flirted with Victor was standing by his side. I frowned and crossed my arms. The girl, whose name I didn't even know, was desperately trying to get his attention, but he never took his eyes off me, though he did have a smirk on his face. He enjoyed the fact that I was boiling inside. I shot the blonde a dirty look. If looks could kill she would one hundred percent be six feet under and rolling in her grave. The way she was playing with a strand of her hair and literally flirted with herself, seeing as he wasn't paying attention to her, irritated me so much that I could do some pretty violent things. I tried to calm down and think rationally. I've always been of the opinion that a girl should not be judged if a guy cheats on his partner with her. He's the one who should be loyal to that person, not her. Even now, they didn't do anything remotely wrong or similar to that. He completely ignored her, and she was desperately trying to attract the attention of the most handsome guy present, which was to be expected. Maybe she didn't even know he had a girlfriend, although she must've seen the scene he had made earlier. Still, all my logical thoughts fell into the water the very next moment when she tried to touch his upper arm. I was about to do something pathetic and do things I probably wouldn't be proud of when I put myself together, but Mateo foresaw what she wanted and got away from her so quickly that it seemed like he did it on reflex. I thought it would end there, but then he started yelling at the girl. I jumped in shock. The music was so loud that people mostly didn't notice the scene happening in front of their noses. Nevertheless, that didn't stop Mateo, seeing as he carried on with his screaming. I couldn't hear the words he was saying, but judging by the terrified look on the girl's face, it was better that way. At one point I even thought he was going to hit her, but Leon pulled him back and Hannah said something to the girl to which Blondie nodded and hurried away. For a few moments, I just stood in silence, frozen in spot. The music didn't even reach my ears. After a while, when Leon calmed him down, Mateo shifted his hard glare to me and gave me a signal with his eyes telling me to go over there. I took uncertain steps toward him. By the time I finally approached him, Leon and Hannah had already disappeared somewhere in the crowd. He didn't wait, rather than that he instantly put his arms around my waist and pinned me to his body, burying his head in the crook of my neck.

"What you're wearing now is much more appropriate," he said with satisfaction dripping from his voice and started to leave juicy kisses on my neck. Usually, I would be enchanted by such intimate touches, but I needed all the strength of this world not to say something that would provoke him. Of course, he liked what I was wearing because it meant black jeans paired with a white T-shirt and a leather jacket. Even the skin on my face was barely noticeable.

"Why did you make such a scene out of that?" I asked him carefully. I didn't want him to get angry, otherwise, Leon would have a hard time calming him down yet again.

"Babygirl, only you are allowed to touch me, I had to put her in her place." He was slowly and sensually biting the skin on my neck and grabbed my ass and squeezed it till the point when it was almost painful, so I had no other option but to let out a moan, unable to restrain myself.

"You were a bit extreme though," I muttered and closed my eyes, enjoying the feelings he aroused in me. I brought my left hand around his neck and with the right one, I was caressing his chest. I was astounded by how strong my self-control was, seeing as I was on the verge of tearing up his clothes and doing things that were definitely not appropriate for the public eye.

"Would you prefer her touching me?" He bit my neck hard and I let out a moan. It didn't hurt me as much as it left me breathless. My underwear was probably drenched by now.

"No," I replied firmly, to which he laughed. He kissed me on the neck once more and then briefly brought his lips to mine for a quick and wet kiss and finally moved away.

"Then it's settled," he winked.

"Seriously?" I asked angrily. The frustration and need for his touch stopped me from thinking rationally. He only shrugged his shoulders.

"What do you want to drink?" And no alcohol for you," he said sternly, a smirk plastered on his face. It was more than obvious that he enjoyed the impact he had on me.

"Why not?" I asked, confused and a little irritated. He ruined my whole mood. I didn't even get a real kiss.

"Tara," he glared at me.

"Fine," I raised my hands in surrender and his lips curled into a smile. He looked like a little, cute boy when he was smiling like that. I wanted to see him more like that. Although he looked incredibly attractive and powerful when he was serious and angry, he had a special glow when he was carefree.

I looked at him strangely when I realized that he still hadn't left, but then I noticed that he wasn't taking his eyes off my neck, his smile widening. That was when I understood what was going on.

"You gave me a hickey, didn't you?" I asked him but he didn't answer. He only winked at me and turned around to go get us a drink. I rolled my eyes but couldn't help but smile a bit. The way he expressed his possessiveness and wanted to show everyone that I was his didn't bother me at all, quite opposite actually – I found it rather hot. Other aspects of his behavior were debatable, but I secretly hoped I could change them. Stupid, naïve girl.

I leaned against a tree and scanned my surroundings. My friends were nowhere to be seen and the rest of the students were busy enjoying the music, dancing and drinking. For a moment I was happy, the peace and solitude were something I didn't even know I needed, but an irritating voice that had become my greatest enemy interrupted my heaven.

"What is a beautiful woman like you doing here alone?" I closed my eyes and tried to control my breathing. I was in utter disbelief. Of all the people he could annoy in this universe, why me?

"You have two seconds to get away from me," I told him seriously.

"Why? I thought we could talk a bit."

"I would rather talk to Adolf Hitler's ghost. Go away!" I knew that I was being extremely rude and that he most likely didn't deserve so much disrespect, but I couldn't help myself. It felt like my mouth acted on its own accord when it came to Paul.

"We could go out for a drink sometimes, or something," I quickly turned around so I would be able to face him. I wondered if he had some serious mental problems. I even started feeling a bit sorry for his obvious illness.

"Have you ever visited a therapist?" I asked him genuinely wanting to know. In fact, I was seriously interested in answer seeing as I couldn't find some other explanation for his stupidity.

"What are you talking about?"

"Well, I mean, I don't know how else am I supposed to make you realize that I have zero interest in you and that you should get away from me. Or maybe I should tell you that in another language? Which one do you speak, Russian, Italian, Mandarin?"

"Honey..." He stepped towards me, but I automatically took a step back. Unfortunately, as in any cliché movie ever, I had no room for going further due to the tree that was right behind me. "You know that soon we would definitely have to take our relationship to..." He was interrupted by the animalistic growl. Mateo soon found himself between us, pulling me behind him. I would be surprised if situations like this didn't happen regularly. For some unknown reason, Mateo always showed up at the worst moments.

He completely covered me with his own body so that I would be hidden from Paul's eyes. Therefore, I could barely see the bewildered expression on the face of the annoying pest. Mateo pushed two bottles of soda into my hands, without turning around at all. I couldn't exactly see his expression, but It didn't take a genius to come to the conclusion that he was probably in his murderous state and I already saw myself in the future buying a candle to light on Paul's tomb. For some reason, I didn't find that scene even half as disturbing as I should have.

"Under our relationship, I hope, for your own good, you meant something quite the opposite of what it means," Mateo growled.

"Dude, dude, no, I don't want trouble," Paul stammered, to which I rolled my eyes and snorted.

"That's weird considering I found your sorry ass with my girlfriend for the second time."

"A girlfriend?" Paul asked in confusion and looked at me. I probably should have warned him that that would be a complete and utter mistake, but I didn't have time because Mateo had already grabbed him by the neck and lifted him off the ground. I still couldn't see the expression on his face and I was immensely grateful for that.

"Don't look at her!" He shouted and wrapped his arms around Paul's neck. He began to gather the attention of the people around us. The music kept going, but no one paid much attention to it anymore. Everyone watched the scene with anticipation.

"I have a right to that, more than you do, trust me," Paul muttered somehow. I wondered where he got the courage from. Yet, he surely regretted the words that slipped his mouth the very next moment when Mateo released him from his grip, swung his fist and hit him so hard in the middle of the nose that he fell to the ground. I screamed and put my hands over my mouth, barely able to look in the direction of Paul who was rolling on the floor and groaning with pain. Blood was all over the place, and judging by his painful grimaces, his nose was most likely broken.

However, Mateo didn't stop there. He approached him again and started kicking him in the stomach. Paul was on the verge of fainting. Mateo was a real alpha male in every sense of the word. I used to wonder if he was even aware of his strength and was sure he would kill him if he didn't stop soon. With those thoughts in my head, I somehow managed to sober up. In two steps, I reached Mateo and pulled him back to prevent bloodshed. I didn't like Paul at all, on the contrary, he got on my nerves quite frequently, but he didn't deserve the beating he was getting.

"Mateo stop!" I desperately tried to hug him and distract him from the murderous trance he was in. Somehow I managed to climb on my toes, wrap my arms around his neck and bury my head into it. "It's not worth it," I whispered and began kissing his exposed skin. I was ready to do anything to calm him down, and I knew that the only thing I could actually do was to use his weakness, and that was me in all my glory. After a few moments in which he did nothing, he couldn't take it any longer. He relaxed and wrapped his arms around me lifting me up to put my legs around his waist. He was still tense. His shoulders were stiff, his heart was pounding so hard in his chest I could feel it on my body, and his breathing was uneven. I stroked his hair to calm him down, but he wouldn't budge. He was a difficult person to deal with and only one wrong move of mine could be enough for him to go back and finish Paul off.

However, fortunately for some and not so much for others, there was no chance for that. After a few minutes of our hugging with all the music and Paul's groans in the background, Sarah's hurried and worried voice reached my ears.

"TARA!" She shouted. I jumped in Mateo's arms and quickly turned in her direction. I looked at her in confusion. She looked distraught and on the verge of a mental breakdown. A shiver ran down my spine.

"What..." she interrupted me.

"It's Victor! He's not okay! It's bad T, really bad!" She sobbed.