"The only wolves we got to fear are the ones wear manskin,"

― George RR Marin

"No man ever truly knows what he can do unless he dares to leap."

― George R.R. Martin

"The lie made into the rule of the world."

― Franz Kafka

Chapter 16

Many times in life I had read about the experience of people who were in mortal danger. How they felt then, what they had been thinking about. However, none of that could prepare me for the state I found myself in when the area erupted with gunshots. First came paralysis, a period in which I felt nothing. In real-time it lasted probably less than a second, but in my mind, it seemed as I was trapped in that condition for hours. I had always believed that there wasn't a time when a person's mind would be empty, no thoughts, just a big nothing. Yet, my beliefs were refuted in a cruel way. The only thing I was sure of at that moment was that I didn't feel a single thing. There was no emotion occupying my senses. I was like a robot programmed to only exist.

That state was immediately followed by the one of panic. I started sweating uncontrollably, my heart was pounding like crazy and my breathing was uneven and heavy. At the time the only thing I craved was to disappear from that place and show up somewhere safe. Adrenaline flowed through my veins begging me to take action.

Due to the commotion in my body, I didn't even feel when Mateo wrapped his arms around my waist, lifted me up and took me to the nearest stand at what felt like the speed of light. His intention was to find us a shelter, or at least I hoped so. Only when he lowered me to the cold ground and crouched next to me did I realize what was happening and I entered the third and most intense phase of the reaction to the shooting.

Fear. The scariest emotion. Worse than worry, anger, sadness. Unpredictable. It can affect a person in two ways. To paralyze him and completely bind him to the feeling of doom, giving him a hint of helplessness that completely destroys his self-confidence. But on the other hand, it can motivate someone, encourage him to take action, giving him the strength that he himself did not know he possessed. Unfortunately, no matter how black and white the categories seem to be, with clear boundaries, there is always someone who can't fit into any of them, someone who is somewhere in between. Taking into account the kind of luck I've had in life, it comes as no surprise that I am one of those exceptions.

"Mateo, what's going on?!" I raised my voice. Somewhere deep down I was very much aware that he probably didn't know the answer to that question himself, but I needed an explanation, albeit a false one. I was scared of the unknown.

"I don't know," he answered shortly. His voice didn't tremble, his heart didn't beat like crazy in his chest nor did he seem affected by the whole situation. Still, the drop of sweat pouring down his face was a small but clear indication that he didn't take the situation lightly.

"Mateo?" I tried one more time in despair, even then not lowering the tone of my voice.

"Shut the hell up and let me think!" He yelled, making me flinch. I obeyed him, it wasn't like anything else was an option.

We were at least partially hidden from the outside world inside the stand. Although I could still hear the gunshots and people's screams, I didn't see anything, which was at least some kind of consolation. Yet, I wasn't sure how much I could say the same for Mateo.

He was still next to me with his arm around my waist. He most likely wanted to make sure that I was lying on the ground and not in danger. He was getting tenser and tenser every second. It was obvious that his brain was working overtime trying to find solutions to this situation. I wanted to help him, to come up with something that could get us out of this situation, but it was in vain, my mind went blank.

At one point, he took his cell phone out of his pocket. I looked at him in surprise, especially because we were in the middle of crossfire and he was typing casually on the phone, trying to call someone. Who in the right mind does that?

"Where are you?" He bellowed as soon as the person on the other side answered the call. Even though I was right next to him, I couldn't decipher who he was talking with. I wasn't able to hear the person's voice at all. All of this led me to think that Mateo had completely turned down the call volume.

"At a stand with some stuffed toys, near that big roller coaster. What the fuck is going on?!" He shouted. He was so loud I was sure that the eardrum surgery was inevitable for me.

"No, I don't have it with me, I left it in the damn car," he yelled and I frowned. I didn't understand what he was talking about and the thing seemed important.

"Of course she's with me, what the fuck are you talking about?" It was obvious that he was irritated by whatever the other person insinuated. That whole situation seemed to only worsen the situation.

"I don't give a shit, get your fucking ass over here wherever you are! I have to get her out of here, and I clearly can't do that on my own!" He hung up as soon as he finished the sentence.

Right when I was about to question him about his conversation, a deafening sound which oddly reminded me of a human scream, shot through the air. It took me a second to realize that the sound was coming from me and that the reason for that was a bullet that had passed at an incredible speed just above my head, less than a moment earlier, and had crashed into one of the plush toys.

Mateo reacted almost instantly, knocking me all the way to the ground, covering over me as to protect me. My heart was pounding so hard I thought it would jump out of my chest at any moment. Never in my life had I been so close to death as at those moments. I wanted to be hysterical without having to deal with guilty conscience afterward, to cry, scream, but deep down, I knew that that wouldn't help me. However, who was I to oppose human instincts. Many called them animal instincts, but that was not the right word because it insinuated degradation. Humans are animals, and those instincts are nothing but the primary, basic units of the chain of the struggle for life.

"Are you okay?" He asked me.

"What's going on?" I sobbed. I didn't even notice when the tears started pouring down my face, I just felt Mateo's fingers wiping them and pressing his lips to my forehead, leaving a lingering kiss there.

"I don't know, princess, but don't worry, I'll fix this," he said and looked rather determined. He stood up and I was about to follow him, but he pressed me back to the ground with a little stronger pressure of his hand on my chest.

"Stay here," he ordered.

There was no need for him to repeat himself. The truth was, I did crave adrenalin rush, but I got the right dose with just having to deal with Mateo's behavior, I wasn't exactly suicidal.

He was lost deep in his thoughts, trying to finally come up with an answer on how to get out of this situation. The exact moment when he made the decision could be clearly seen on his face. That nervous Mateo from just a few seconds earlier completely evaporated and in his place came a determined man who was completely confident in himself. Some strange energy flowed through my body because of that determination in his eyes.

And then my sense of security was shattered once again that same evening. Mateo shoved his hand inside his infamous leather jacket and pulled out a shiny, metal object. It took me a few moments to figure out what that thing was, primarily because I initially refused to accept the truth. A knife, or a dagger in better words, of medium size and, as far as I could tell, of exceptional sharpness. Many thoughts went through my mind at that moment. What the purpose of the knife was, was it his, or my personal favorite: what sane person carries a dagger with him, in his jacket?

"Mateo?" I was shaking so badly it could be heard in my voice.

"Not even a word," he ordered and looked me directly in the eyes. He made it clear that for my own good it was better not to try to interrogate him. Of course, as an amazing girlfriend I was, I didn't listen to him.

"Why are you carrying a knife with you?"

"For fucks sake, Tara!" he groaned. "Do I really have to yell to make you obey what I say?"

"Probably, but don't deviate from the topic. What do you plan to do with it? "

"What do you think I plan to do?" He bit back in annoyance. The whole situation seemed rather comical: young couple arguing inside the stand at the fair, hiding from wandering bullets - truly a wonderful moment for conversation.

"You can't go out in a fight with that thing!" I shouted which earned me a raised eyebrow from Mateo. He was daring me to raise my voice even more. He looked why too intimidating for me to defy him again.

"Of course I can. Watch me." He tried to get up, but I quickly pulled him by his arm, successfully bringing him down next to me. "Tara!" He yelled as much as he could without drawing too much attention on us.

"Have you ever heard of a saying: Never bring a knife to a gunfight?" I asked him, feeling overly annoyed by his idiotic actions.

"That has a figurative meaning."

"In this case, the literal one works just fine," I snapped. I was so involved in whatever he was doing, that I completely forgot about the situation we were in and the fear that overpowered my body only moments earlier. Mateo had that big of an impact on me, he was making me stop thinking about anything else and focus my attention on him at all times.

"Tara," he said my name, giving me a pointed stare. "I have to do something, fucking understand that. I need to get you out of this dangerous situation." The way he said it, with such gentleness and worry, almost made me cry. Never in my life had anyone cared so much about me.

"Mateo," I bit back in the same way. "If you go there, you're dead. Don't you remember? You came home injured last night..." I said, lowering my voice towards the end of the sentence. At that moment, it dawned on me. He came injured the day before, yet he didn't even blink when he carried me earlier. It was almost like he didn't feel anything at all. How was that possible? I witnessed the condition he was in. Yes, the bruises were still visible, the cuts too, but where was the pain? He bruised his ribs, I heard him the night before, he wasn't okay. How was it possible that he didn't feel anything? Something didn't seem right and I had every intention to find out what that was.

"Mateo, what the hell..." I was interrupted by another wandering bullet that hit the stand.

I screamed again which made Mateo look at me hurriedly. He ran his eyes over every part of my body trying to make sure I was okay. I would nod my head to let him know that I was fine, at least physically, but I was afraid that just one wrong move could cause a counter-effect and put me in more danger.

"Baby," he started, getting closer to my face, "please, stay here and don't move, not even an inch. I'm going to clear the space so we can get to the car. Everything will be fine, I'll take you somewhere safe, I promise." He kissed me and left. He said those words with so much sincerity in his voice that I had no choice but to believe him. He promised me and Mateo kept his promises. I knew that he would make sure I get out of there alive and unharmed. However, one thing caused me tremendous anxiety. He never promised that he would keep himself safe.

Somehow I managed to turn around and get closer to the edge of the stand so I could watch what was happening without being in the line of fire. I watched Mateo's movement carefully. He was quick and adept at what he was doing. I admired him for having so much courage to expose himself to danger, but again on the other hand I was frustrated and extremely frightened by his stupidity to embark on something like that. This was not his battle and therefore he did not have to engage in it. We should hide until all this was over and the police showed up. The price tag wasn't put on our heads, so the only possible danger was from wandering bullets. I was aware that I was being a hypocrite because I was the one to almost faint from fear, but when I started to think a little more rationally later on, I realized that nothing made sense.

Mateo didn't wait long to use the dagger. Not far away from him was a man, his age or perhaps a little older, dressed in all black with a gun in his hand. He was hiding behind a black, armored SUV. Right when Mateo approached him, the guy took out a magazine and tried to replace the bullets. My (unfortunately) boyfriend used the fact that he was distracted to put a dagger to his neck. The most unbelievable thing of all was that I probably had a worse reaction than the guy whose life was hung by a thread. I was about to scream for the third time in less than 5 minutes but my breath caught in my throat and I started sweating uncontrollably. I had seen Mateo in his aggressive episodes, but never in my life had I witnessed someone holding a knife to someone's throat, let alone that being him.

"Put the gun down!" Mateo ordered. His voice was dominant and sharp. If I were that man, I would probably listen to him, but again, who knows what I would do with a gun in my hand.

The guy just laughed and hit Mateo hard in the ribs with his elbow. Whatever had helped him not to feel pain earlier was clearly not working at the moment He let out a groan and automatically put his hand on the injured part of his body. The armed man took advantage of Mateo's lack of attention and quickly knocked the dagger out of his hand, turned around and kicked him in the stomach, successfully knocking him to the ground. Immediately after, he jumped on him and started hitting him wherever he could. What I was witnessing seemed unreal and the hatred I felt towards that person was like nothing I had felt so far. I was ready to take my weak self there and intervene in an attempt to at least a little bit help my boyfriend who was getting beaten yet again. Fortunately, at some point he got so angry he stopped feeling pain. With adrenalin flowing through his veins, he regained his strength and finally started fighting back. He hit the guy in the middle of the nose with his fist. Due to a strong blow to his face, the not-so-poor guy started bleeding while falling to the ground. Mateo found it difficult to stand up, but he did it regardless. He staggered a few times but he brushed it off and approached his opponent. He started hitting him. How he was able to do that was unbelievable to me. After all the beating he received, what was keeping him on his feet? He didn't win, at least not yet because, although he managed to hit the guy whenever and wherever he could, his rival returned twice as much. Then again, they both were rolling on the floor, trying to defeat the other, yet neither of them actually managed to do it.

The shooting continued, though I didn't really pay attention to it. Out of concern for Mateo, I couldn't even think about what was happening around me, no matter how stupid it sounded. He occupied my every thought. I didn't even care about the bullets flying in the air anymore. The scene in front of me was enough to keep me on edge.

The armed guy was in the lead again. He knocked Mateo to the ground and punched him in the face. Even though my stupid boyfriend managed to block most of them, he also missed a fair share. Just as the unknown man prepared for another powerful blow, the siren of a police car was heard. His fist froze in the air, the shooting stopped and the whole world was calm for a fraction of the time. And then, like someone pressed rewind button, chaos ensued. Dozens of armored, huge cars flew away from the crime scene at high speed, leaving behind dust, bullets, and fear. However, I didn't have much time to think about it. My attention was once again occupied by Mateo who took advantage of his opponent's carelessness and pushed him away with all his might. He successfully got up, but when he raised his head he saw his opponent holding a heavy, metal object in his hands, which can take someone's life with just one movement.

My heart stopped beating. I couldn't breathe, I felt like I was suffocating. Everything hurt. Every part of my body was in such an awful state that I was afraid I would faint at any moment. Time seemed to pass slowly, every second felt like an eternity. My whole world stopped. I felt nothing but enormous pain and fear.

"Your last words?" a disgusting, sharp, cold, cruel voice asked a person who in such a short time began to mean so much to me that I didn't know what I would do if he ceased to exist. I wanted to jump on the one who threatened him, to do violent things that I never believed I was capable of.

And my boyfriend? He was just standing there, the only indication of emotion was a spasm on his lips and a frown, an obvious sign that he was in pain.

"Well then, see you in hell, mate," the guy chuckled and was about to pull the trigger. I screamed in despair and jumped to my feet rushing in his direction. Everything that happened after that was rather confusing. The whole action took place within a few seconds, but it seemed far longer.

I didn't hear the gunshot. Somewhere along the way, I felt arms around my waist that successfully prevented me from running and knocking down a man who wanted to kill Mateo. I soon realized that the gentle, feminine hands belonged to Hannah and that Leon was standing next to my boyfriend. Nothing was making sense, but I didn't even want to think about it, I just wanted to reach Mateo and prevent someone from hurting him. However, Hannah wouldn't let me.

Right when I was about to forcefully get her hands off me so I could go, she turned me to the side and forced my head into her neck, preventing me from watching the scene in front of me.

"You don't want to see this, trust me," she told me, quietly but firmly. Immediately after, I heard something that froze the blood in my veins. Gunshot. One single gunshot.

My whole body went stiff, numb, rigid. The tension was so big, I couldn't stand it. I even stopped struggling to get out of Hannah's grip for fear of facing reality. I stood like that in her arms for at least a whole minute. At one point, I even wondered where the police sirens went. I heard something move in front of me, but I wasn't aware of what was going on. Eventually, Hannah let me go. I closed my eyes tightly and swallowed. I slowly raised my head and somehow gathered the strength to open my eyes. What I saw disturbed and frightened me at the same time, although one feeling overcame the other.

Mateo and Leon were standing in the same place, Mateo leaning on Leon's shoulder, who kept him from falling to the ground. The man my boyfriend was fighting with was nowhere in sight, nor was the gun he held. The only thing that could be seen was a puddle of red liquid not far from the place where he had previously been.

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