Oikawa sends Kageyama back into a wall by shoving his shoulder and crowds into his face, stretching his lips out into a wide, predatory grin. "Nothing has changed, huh? You see what your rotten luck did?"

He waits for a bite, any form of a reaction, but it doesn't come. Oikawa feels his left eye twitch and fists his hand into the fabric of Kageyama's jacket. He uses his leverage on the boy's jacket to pull him off the wall and slam him back into it, leaning closely to whisper in the boy's ear. "Don't even think about Aoba Johsai, Tobio-chan. We don't need you fucking things up even more. Some of us actually want to play as a team so we can get somewhere."

"You did this to yourself." He pulls back and places his palm on the boy's chest to smoothen out the wrinkles he made by grabbing it in the first place. He goes to pull his hand away, but a tight grip around his wrist stops him. Oikawa startles, looking up into devastated, blue eyes. He looks over Tobio's tear-stained face and his breath hitches.

"Why?" The blueberry boy croaks and his voice breaks. He doesn't let go of Oikawa's wrist even when the brunette tries to pull away, forcing Oikawa to watch him fall apart right in front of him. Oikawa feels sick to his stomach and he continues to fight against the grip on his wrist, but, suddenly, it disappears. When he looks up, Kageyama is gone.

Oikawa furrows his eyebrows and looks around. He's no longer in the hallway where he had confronted Tobio. He's back in Kitagawa Daiichi's gym and he hears the familiar sound of squeaking as sneakers skid against the gym floors.

"Oikawa-san." He turns around and sees nothing but the top of a bed of black silky hair. He glances downwards, taking a step back at the sight of first-year Junior High Kageyama Tobio looking up at him with animated, wide eyes. "Please teach me how to serve."

"No, no," Oikawa pleads and tries to run from the inevitable thing that's going to happen, but his feet are glued to the ground and he's forced to watch as his hand raises up into the air and strikes Tobio across the face with the back of it. He watches Kageyama's head snap to the side, the shock in the cobalt eyes as the ravenhead tries to bite back his wobbling bottom lip at the explosion of pain. Kageyama doesn't keep looking at the ground like he does in his memories. Oikawa watches with horrified eyes as the boy looks at him with a watery gaze, his pale face tainted by the red mark on his cheek. "Why did you hate me so much? I looked up to you." Kageyama chokes out, a sob escaping his throat and shaking his entire body. Oikawa freezes as the lump in his own throat continues to grow. "You hated me, Oikawa-san." Kageyama whimpers, "you kept going until everyone hated me."

"Stop." Oikawa rasps out, trying to close his eyes but it's as if someone sewed his eyelids open. He raises his hands to cover his ears, but his attempts to block out what he's hearing are futile. "You pushed until I was left alone. And I hated being alone, Oikawa-san."

Oikawa groans, shaking his head violently as the tears finally stream down his face. "Shut up! Shut the fuck up!"

"I was so scared of being alone, because it hurt. I couldn't stop thinking about everything you did to hurt me. I was scared of you. My idol."

Oikawa screams, dropping onto his knees, and presses at his ears until it feels like his head is going to pop off from the pressure. "Please, stop."

"I died alone."

"Stop! Please, make it stop!" Oikawa's unable to look away from Kageyama as the boy approaches him and kneels down next to him. A soft hand grips at his chin, turning his head until his gaze lands on a figure slumped up against the wall in front of him. It's Kageyama's body. Third-year Kageyama. The boy's arms are on either side of his body, his legs stretched out in front of him, and his head is sagging onto his own shoulder. His limbs are limp and lifeless. A pill bottle lays a few feet away from the corpse. "I died," first-year Kageyama whispers into his ear, "and it's all your fault."

Oikawa screams as he springs up on the bed, scrambling back blindly, only struggling further when he gets tangled up in the sheets around him. Oikawa heaves for air, then screams bloody murder again. Arms wrap around him, trying to tug him away from the sheets that are restraining him and Oikawa continues to thrash around while screaming, only sobs are mixed in with the shrieks of horror.

"Oikawa! Oikawa, hey, hey! Tooru," A voice gasps out as the arms tighten around him, trying to restrain him so that the brunette doesn't hurt himself. "Calm down- shit!" Iwaizumi barely dodges the flailing arm that comes at his face. He wraps his arms around Oikawa and pulls him back until he's resting against his chest, guarded by his arms.

Oikawa continues to cry, grasping onto Iwaizumi's arms around him as a means to calm down. He pushes back against his naked chest, trying to bury himself in the warmth his boyfriend exuded, to fight against the chill that wrapped itself around his body.

"Shh, it's okay." Iwaizumi kisses his temple despite the thin sheet of sweat that covers it, and rocks them back and forth. "It's okay." He continues to repeat as he breathes in the shaking boy's strawberry scented shampoo.

"I'm sorry. Gods, I'm so sorry, Tobio-chan." Oikawa chokes out and turns to bury his face into the skin of Iwaizumi's chest, his body jolting painfully at every large breath he tries to pull into his lungs. "I'm so sorry."

Iwaizumi doesn't fight against the tears that fill his own eyes as he tightens his arms around Oikawa, wishing he could take the pain off his boyfriend's shoulders and put it onto his own. He'd do anything so he didn't have to see Oikawa in this state ever again.

Iwaizumi doesn't leave Oikawa's side, even when his breathing evens out and he falls back asleep. He stares at the corner of the room, where he sees a certain blueberry haired boy looking at the two of them with tears wetting a trail down his face.

I'm sorry

"Ha-ha, very funny, Akira-chan." Oikawa drawls and shakes his head, ignoring the questioning look Iwaizumi sends his way from where he's sat at the coffee table in their apartment that's a few blocks away from the University they're both attending.

"What?" Akira's voice filters through the phone, sounding exasperated. "This isn't a joke."

"So, you expect me to believe Tobio-chan's dead? We just saw him like yesterday." Oikawa is as disbelieving as they come if the smile on his face has anything to say about it. Iwaizumi looks over at him with narrowed eyes, before he's getting up and walking over to snatch the phone out of Tooru's hand.

"Kunimi?"

"Iwaizumi-san." The fox-boy says as a greeting, but he doesn't say anything else. The one word is enough to show how tired the boy sounds, as if he hadn't slept at all.

"What's this about Kageyama being dead?" Iwaizumi pushes.

All he gets is silence for a few seconds before the same tired voice speaks up. "Kageyama committed suicide."

"What?!" He barks down into the phone, waiting impatiently at the push that must have been Kunimi flinching away from the phone. "If you and Kindaichi are making jokes about something like this, I'll put your heads through a wall!"

"I'm not fucking kidding!" The pissed off tone from the usually calm boy is enough to finally slap Iwaizumi in the face with the reality of the situation. He feels lightheaded and has to grasp onto the counter next to him, ignoring the worried look that Oikawa sends him when he almost falls over. He pushes the phone into Oikawa's chest and grasps at his stomach with his now free hand when he feels it stir uncomfortably.

"Akira-chan, what did you say?!" He winces at the shrill voice of Oikawa yelling at Kunimi on the phone. He quietens down and it's at that moment when Iwaizumi knows the message finally got through his thick skull. Kageyama Tobio is dead.

Their kouhai is dead.

He took his own life.

"I-Iwa-chan," is all the warning he gets before Oikawa is crashing to the ground with his eyes rolling into the back of his head.

I'm so sorry

"Oikawa-san?"

Doe-eyes look up from where they were drilling holes into the face of Kageyama Tobio, who is staring back at him from the portrait his face is painted on, gazing at the tired-looking boy beside him. Kunimi's tie is snug against his neck and Oikawa would have teased him about finally learning how to tie a tie if the situation they were in wasn't actually happening. But it was. Oikawa doesn't speak, but his eyes seem to be enough of an answer.

"We're heading up to pay our respects to his family. You want to come with us?"

Oikawa shakes his head and practically breathes in the comfort he gets from Iwaizumi rubbing his back. He can't possibly face Kageyama-san, nor could he face Kageyama Miwa who is almost a carbon copy of Tobio himself. Not after everything he's done. It would break him.

Kunimi looks at him for a few moments before shaking his head and turning away, Kindaichi following after him wordlessly. The middle-blocker had not peeped a single word to him at all, not since the game. The one where everything went wrong. What had they known back then? About where they would be now? Iwaizumi and Oikawa stand at the back of the service, staring at the smiling face of Kageyama on the portrait at the very front of the building.

The volleyball team carry Tobio's coffin on their shoulders, some of them are crying, some of them are stony-faced, but there are the couple of members who look like they just want to get it over with and Oikawa wants nothing more than to beat them until they couldn't tell left from right.

Their coach had suggested the idea to Kageyama-san. It's clear the man is drowning in his own guilt. Oikawa glances over to the man, the coach, who's standing next to Kageyama-san while wiping at his eyes with a handkerchief. As if he wasn't an accomplice in Tobio's death.

Oikawa leaves at the end of the service, Iwaizumi politely says goodbye to everyone for the both of them before following him. They both sit silently in the car, not speaking to each other. They hardly speak to each other at all these days, but it's not to be mistaken for their love being broken.

Oikawa pretends he's asleep when he hears Iwaizumi crying that night in bed, knowing his boyfriend would want nothing more than to be alone to deal with his grief. He sits up when the sounds stop, waiting until he's certain Iwaizumi is asleep, and leans over to wipe the tears off of Iwaizumi's screwed up face and kisses both of his closed eyelids.

Oikawa places his head on Iwaizumi's chest, letting the boy's heartbeat lull him to sleep where Kageyama Tobio is awaiting him in his dreams.

Sometimes Kageyama is sad and angry, crying and blaming Oikawa for everything he's done.

The other times, Tobio-chan is walking along the shoreline, giggling as he runs away from the water that splashes towards his feet, and the sunset casts an orange hue in the sky, the golden hour makes his Tobio that much more beautiful. He and Iwa-chan chase after the boy before catching him and wrapping him up between them, and kissing him.

Oikawa Tooru isn't sure which dream haunts him more. The memories of what happened, or what could have been?

I'm sorry that I let you down