⚠️TW⚠️: Bullying, assault, panic attacks, depression, anxiety, and suicide. Read at your own discretion.

Yeah, I guess I'm a disappointment

Doing everything I can

I don't wanna make you disappointed

It's annoying

I just wanna make you feel like everything I ever did

Was never tryna make an issue for you

Little Kageyama's head perks up at the sound of giggling.

"Don't worry, Akira-chan!"

Catching a group of first years huddled around Oikawa Tooru in the gymnasium, Kageyama automatically beams and heads over to where he could hear the third year joking around with his younger teammates. Tobio giggles along as if he heard the joke, standing among the others and chirps in a happy tone. "What are you guys talking about?"

His innocence and naivety keeps him from noticing how tense the silence that falls over the group at his arrival, interrupted by the quiet, malicious snickering of the first years that are pointed in his general direction.

The tired looking first year looks over to Tobio, shrugging his shoulders. He and Kindaichi are the only ones who weren't laughing along with the others. "I asked Oikawa-san to help me with my spikes."

"Akira-chan was feeling a little shy!" Oikawa speaks up, throwing an arm around Kunimi and pulling the boy into his side. "And I told him no one could be as annoying as you, Tobio-chan. So, of course I would help!"

Oikawa only laughs at the kicked-puppy expression that takes over Kageyama's features at the announcement. With the laughter of the first years fueling his drive, Oikawa continues to make digs at him. Kunimi and Kindaichi finally crack and chuckle along at a specific joke about Kageyama's persistence.

The group finally disperses when Iwaizumi Hajime hits Oikawa over the head and tells him not to bully a first year.

Tobio wishes he never laughed along.

But, I guess the more you thought about everything

You were never even wrong in the first place, right?

Kageyama walks over to where Oikawa is bent over, hands braced on his knees as he pants heavily. The raven has noticed how the third year setter has started staying late after practice, only leaving when a certain ace drags him out.

Kageyama doesn't know that he's to blame. That the joy of being put on the court for the first time to 'hold things down for his Oikawa-senpai' until he cleared his head because Kageyama was capable isn't as bright a memory as it seemed.

"Oikawa-san."

Iwaizumi looks up at the sound of Tobio's voice, dragging his eyes away from where they had been glaring at Oikawa who is overworking himself again. His mouth drops open. The spiky-haired boy can practically feel the tension rolling off of Oikawa's body in waves.

"Please teach me how to serve."

Kageyama isn't ready for the sudden shock of pain that explodes over his cheek and he stares at the wall that is next to him with wide eyes, where his head had been turned from the sheer force of Oikawa's backhanded hit. It seems Iwaizumi hadn't been either, because the boy was just a second too late from blocking Oikawa's hit before it landed.

Cobalts eyes fill with tears and Kageyama drops the ball he had held in his hands in favor of clasping a palm over his cheek. He lets out a shaky breath, too afraid to look at his seniors in case they might make fun of his fear.

"Get a grip, you moron!" Kageyama barely registers the sharp yell from Iwaizumi and the sound of shuffling feet as the vice-captain manhandles Oikawa out of the gym. He's still stunned from the hit, trying to register what he had done wrong to get hit in the first place. "Go home! You're done for the day."

When a heavy palm lands on his shoulder, Kageyama flinches and looks up with fearful eyes. Iwaizumi stares at him with a guilty expression and the ace rubs at his own neck with his free hand as he looks over the underclassman. "You okay?"

Kageyama wills the tears away with a big intake of air and nods, dropping his head to look at the floor between them. His gaze is brought back up by a calloused finger that crooks under his chin and Kageyama stares at Iwaizumi with wide eyes, his lashes clumped together by the tears that had escaped the beds of his eyes before he could wipe them away. His breath hitches slightly as Iwaizumi turns his head to the side with the grip on his chin, looking at the nasty bruise that is forming on his cheek. "You should ice it down when you get home, to lessen the swelling."

Kageyama nods numbly, a little dazed due to how nice it feels to be touched, even if it's just a finger. It's probably the touch-starved side of him, but the touch causes the warm feeling to blossom in his chest, and maybe, just possibly wraps around his heart and puts all the broken little pieces back together again. He enjoys being fussed over, if this could even count as that, but is quickly yanked from his paradise when Iwaizumi speaks up again.

"Listen... You think we could keep this between us?" Kageyama looks at Iwaizumi, but doesn't see him. He doesn't hear the vice-captain as he continues to speak. He feels his heart drop to his stomach and the blood rushes in his ears, the happy feeling gone and replaced by that harsh voice in his head. You didn't actually think he cared, did you? No. No, please. The voice is mean; it's his own. He doesn't understand why he does it to himself, why he can't just stop. Suddenly the feeling of Iwaizumi's finger on his chin is scalding hot, not the warmth that comforted him. The sleeves of his shirt rub against his skin the wrong way, no longer feeling like the soft cotton that it is made out of. His arms ache, his face aches, his legs feel restless.

"...yama? Kageyama." Kageyama reels back and away from Iwaizumi, suddenly returning to the present. He notices the harsh breaths coming through his nose, the rapid rise and fall of his chest. He sees Iwaizumi's lips continue to move, hears the boy's voice, but it doesn't sound like what he's used to. What is he used to? Was he always like this? He doesn't remember what it felt like when he wasn't hyperfocusing on everything. Kageyama glances around, his breathing stuttering and failing to cooperate. He feels his heart rate rising, it's like his entire body is pulsing in time with the beat.

"Are you okay?" Iwaizumi asks him for the umpteenth time. Kageyama feels like he's hearing the words from underwater. His mind is racing. Don't let him see how broken you are. You already look like a freak. He tries to swallow down the lump in his throat, but fails miserably. "Yeah."

Iwaizumi doesn't look like he believes him and when he opens his mouth to further question the boy, Kageyama speaks up again. His voice is steady, but his breathing contradicts the calm front he tries to present. "No one will know."

Iwaizumi blinks and opens his mouth, but nothing leaves his mouth the first time he tries to speak. He shuts it, his brows knit together as he takes in his underclassman's state. He goes to try and address it once more, but he's cut off by Kageyama bending over in a bow, the boy's silky hair falling around his face like curtains. "Sorry for the inconvenience. Good night, Iwaizumi-san." And just like that, the spot that Kageyama had previously been standing on is completely empty and the squeaky sound of sneakers hitting the gym's floor is the only proof that Kageyama had been there at all.

Kageyama doesn't remember the walk, more like the run, to the club room. He doesn't remember getting home, or entering his room and wrapping himself up in blankets. His mind is still racing, his hands are clammy, he feels like he's going to throw up- no, he feels like he's going to die. He's stuck. Kageyama fists at the fabric covering his chest and presses his forehead into the sheets of his bed. When the thoughts, the restless pain he feels in his arms and legs, and the thundering of his heart against his ribs finally becomes too much, Kageyama falls asleep. He doesn't find peace in his dreams, though. The dreams make him restless, toss and turn. Kageyama is left feeling like he will never escape the hell that is his anxiety.

When Kageyama comes to practice the next day, avoiding Oikawa and Iwaizumi like the plague, no one says anything. Iwaizumi stares at Kageyama's cheek, where the bruise is supposed to be, except there's nothing there. He wonders how the boy covered the bruise up so well, unable to shake how strange it is that he knows how to do something no boy his age should know how to do, at least not so well.

Kageyama pretends not to notice the questioning look on Kunimi's face, the same mirrored on Kindaichi's face, when he flinches away from the droopy-eyed boy's high-five.

Yeah, I'ma just ignore you, walking towards you

With my head down, lookin' at the ground I'm embarrassed for you

Paranoia, what did I do wrong this time?

Very loyal? Shoulda had my back but you put a knife in it

My hands are full, what else should I carry for you?
I cared for you but

Kageyama ties his shoelaces from where he's sat on the ground with his legs bent in front of him. He pays the crowd in front of him no mind as the first years and second years fuss over the third years, now known as graduates.

"We'll miss you Iwaizumi-san." He hears Kindaichi say in that choked up way of his, when he's trying to hold back the tears threatening to spill over. He looks up and sees Kunimi agreeing mutely.

"Yuu-chan! What about me?" Oikawa whines, shoving his best friend out of the way so that he's in the spotlight.

"It's about time you left." Kunimi deadpans, to which Oikawa gasps.

"Mean, Akira-chan!"

Kageyama snorts, unable to hold back the amusement that came with his upperclassman being bullied. He stiffens up; however, when he hears the setter's voice again, this time directed at him.

"Tobio-chan! What's so funny?" Kageyama opens his mouth, panic stealing away all the words he could possibly muster up. You deserve what's coming.

"N-Nothing, Oikawa-san."

Oikawa considers him, eyes narrowed and Kageyama can see the brown-gaze looking into his soul, stripping him of his pride and sense of security. "Are you not going to send your senpais off with a proper goodbye, Tobio-chan?!"

Kageyama diverts his gaze when Iwaizumi looks his way as well, looking to the ground in front of him.

"Listen... You think we could keep this between us?"

"Congratulations," Kageyama mutters, looking back at the two with his lips tipping upwards as he forces a smile. He stops when he hears the shrieks of laughter.

"You still can't smile, eh, Tobio-chan?!" Oikawa hollers, yowling in pain when Iwaizumi stomps on his toes and a whine escapes his lips. "Iwa-chan!"

"We will be hoping to see you all at Aoba Johsai. Keep things down here until then." Iwaizumi looks over all of them with a proud look, his gaze faltering somewhat when it lands on Kageyama. Kageyama knows what the hesitancy means. We hope to see them, not you. He breaks their eye contact and unties his shoelaces, just so he can tie them up again and ease the tension he feels in his hands.

He doesn't follow the others when they walk to the clubroom, laughter booming loudly as they enjoy their last few moments together with the team as it is now, without Kageyama, but it's not like he was ever apart of the team anyway.

Volleyball. At least he has volleyball.

Yeah, you don't wanna make this work

You just wanna make this worse

Want me to listen to you

But you don't ever hear my words

You don't wanna know my hurt, yet

Let me guess

You want an apology, probably

How can we keep going at a rate like this?

We can't, so I guess I'ma have to leave

"Faster! You can jump higher than that!" Kageyama barks, turning around and dropping his arms to his side when he hears the ball fall onto the ground. "You won't get to the ball if you don't try."

Kindaichi looks at him with frustration plastered all over his face. "Why do you automatically assume the problem is me?! I can't hit your fucking tosses."

"I set it to bring out the best of your capabilities. You can do better. You just don't want to!"

"When'd you become such a tyrant, Kageyama?" The words don't come from Kindaichi, in fact Kageyama follows Kindaichi's gaze to where the words came from, and the usually sleepy eyes stare back at him, squinted as if staring at the world's hardest equation.

Kindaichi goes back to staring at him incredulously, throwing his arms in the air as he laughs without any humour. "The King always knows best, right, Kunimi? Kageyama knows me better than I know myself."

The words could sound fond if they were said differently, but coming from the middle-blocker's mouth, they only sounded condescending and venomous.

"You're never going to get better if you don't push yourself. You'll always be stuck with your second year capabilities; nothing more." Kageyama states bluntly. He isn't being mean, he's stating the truth. He knows they can do better, but they don't want to try and listen to him. He's doing this to bring out the best of the team, what's the problem?

"Oikawa-san was right." Kageyama tenses, looking towards Kunimi when the fox-like boy speaks up again. "You really aren't a team player."

Kageyama ignores the sting that comes from the words and walks over to the volleyball that rolled off of the court to pick it up. "One more." A scoff follows, but Kindaichi backs up into position. If it wasn't for the thirty minutes remaining of practice, Kageyama's sure Kindaichi would have left the building entirely.

I feel like every time I talk to you

You're in an awful mood

What else can I offer you?

There's nothing left right now, I gave it all to you

Like the sound of a pin dropping in a silent room, all Kageyama hears is the ball bouncing off the floor after he had set it up and behind him. He turns around and sees nothing, only the ball rolling along the court. No one had gone in for the kill. They didn't even try.

He doesn't hear the shrill sound of the whistle as he glances up from the ball, seeing the backs' of his teammates- no, the volleyball players turnt to him. His arms flop down to his side from where they wavered over his head and all Kageyama feels is a coldness creeping up from his toes and threatening to swallow him whole.

The next thing he knows, he's sat on the bench. The coach offers him no words of reassurance. Kageyama pants, grasping at his knees as he looks down at the ground with furrowed eyebrows. He wants to stay on the court. He doesn't want to leave. The team is playing without him, they're losing, but they're on the court. He wants to be on the court. It's all that he has.

Before he knows it, a whistle that concludes the match sounds out. They had lost. They sacrificed Nationals, because they didn't want to play with you.

He acts like doesn't feel the eyes drilling holes in the back of his head, or maybe he really doesn't, because all he feels is numb.

But I guess I'm a letdown

But it's cool, I checked out

Oh, you wanna be friends now?

Okay, let's put my fake face on and pretend now

Sit around and talk about the good times

That didn't even happen

I mean, why are you laughing?

Must have missed that joke let me see if I can find a reaction

No, but at least you're happy

Kageyama doesn't make a sound of pain, barely even flinches as his back connects with the wall, with Oikawa crowding his space and smiling a bit too wide. "Nothing has changed, huh? You see what your rotten luck did?"

When Kageyama doesn't respond, a fist wraps itself around in the fabric of his jacket, yanking him off the wall then slamming him back against it again. "Don't even think about Aoba Johsai, Tobio-chan. We don't need you fucking things up even more. Some of us actually want to play as a team so we can get somewhere."

"You did this to yourself." The hand smoothes out the wrinkles it caused and Oikawa pulls back as if he hadn't just manhandled him, and Kageyama recognizes the why when he hears oncoming footsteps. The team stops a few feet away, but obviously not because they want to chat to Kageyama. They all look at Oikawa with questioning gazes, Iwaizumi looking a bit more grim than the rest, as to why he was even talking to the setter.

"I was just giving Tobio-chan some pointers!" Oikawa says in that sickly sweet way of his. "He reminds me of when he was this tall," he motions to his waist, "and followed me around like a duckling! Make sure you listen to my words, Tobio."

Kageyama's not stupid enough to ignore the threat that is tied to the last few words. He tunes the rest of the conversation out. This time, there is no heavy feeling in his chest. There's no pain. There's no racing thoughts. There's nothing. He feels nothing.

Kageyama Tobio is nothing.

Feels like we're on the edge right now

Kageyama's bag falls off his shoulder and onto the floor as he shuts the door to his bathroom behind himself. He looks up to the mirror, giving himself the elevator eyes, and a huff of laughter leaves his lips. The burst of laughter seems to unclog everything and soon Kageyama struggles to see his reflection past the tears that swarm his vision.

"We don't need you fucking things up even more."

I wish that I could say I'm proud

He yanks the zipper to his jacket down, then tugs the fabric off of himself entirely. Kageyama grasps onto the edge of the sink and bows over, taking in a deep breath but it breaks off as he tries to take too many at the same time.

"Oikawa-san was right."

I'm sorry that I let you down

He pushes off the sink and paces around the bathroom, switching between shaking his hands out and wrenching them together as he tries to calm the sudden onslaught of thoughts that had previously been quiet. He rests his forehead against the cool tile of his bathroom wall, trying to ground himself. He knows not to let himself get carried away, he's bigger than these stupid thoughts, but Kageyama finds himself floating further away in his thoughts.

"When'd you become such a tyrant, Kageyama?"

All these voices in my head get loud

Kageyama rushes back for his sink, swinging the medicine cabinet open. Bottle after bottle falls onto the ground around him as he looks over their labels with shaking hands. He finds what he's looking for and drops his arm to his side with his hand clasping it tightly. He takes in a deep breath, and it sounds like he's wheezing for his last, dying breath. He's drowning in his thoughts like a man abandoned at the deepest depths of the ocean.

"You saw what your rotten luck did?"

And I wish that I could shut them out

Kageyama twists the lid off the pill bottle and the lid flies across the bathroom due to how much force he put behind it. The sound of the pills bouncing off the tile floors around him is all that it takes for Kageyama to crumble onto his knees, shoving his face into his shaking hands and sobbing. His shoulders shake violently with the sobs that wrack his body and Kageyama falls onto his side, curling up into a ball like it would hide his heart from the world.

"You did this to yourself."

I'm sorry that I let you down

Kageyama can't stop the thoughts, because there was only one thought he used to reset all the crippling fear whenever it would bloom in his chest before. 'At least I have volleyball.' But he doesn't. Not anymore. His future in volleyball is doomed. The high school scouts must have been watching. They must have seen how the team neglected him, what did that say about him? No one wants someone who is so unbearable, that his team practically forfeited the match just so they didn't have to play with him. What did he have, if not for volleyball? His mother barely looked at him at the car-ride back home, because, of course, the one and only match she had come to see was the one he was abandoned in. His sister is in Tokyo living her life. They haven't talked since his mother put him on the phone to talk on her birthday, and even then only a few words were exchanged. He had no friends. He had no one.

He doesn't know why everybody hates him so much. But maybe he does, because now he hates Kageyama Tobio too.

He cups his hands and brings them together as he runs the sides of them on the ground, scooping up as many pills as he could between them. He gets up onto shaky legs, looking up at himself in the mirror. Kageyama stares at his bloodshot eyes and snotty face. Pathetic. He brings his hand to his mouth, wrestling all the pills into his mouth and turns the faucet on so that he can gurgle down the pills with water. He chokes, but pushes through the pain in his throat. Kageyama looks at himself in the mirror one more time before falling back, ignoring the dull pain that came when his back hit the wall behind him. He slides to his ass, the back of his hands laying on the tiles on either side of him, and his long legs stretched out ahead.

"Pathetic."

Let you down

The chattering in the gym dies down slowly as the group gathers around their coach, who looks grim, but the expression is not strange since they cost themselves Nationals just two days ago.

"Don't worry, coach. I'm sure our kouhais have the next match in the bag." Kindaichi boasts loudly, clapping an underclassman on the back. Everyone chuckles, shaking their head at the middle-blocker's antics, but quiet down once more when their coach doesn't follow along. Kindaichi coughs and looks a little uncomfortable with the tension that lingers in the air.

"Kageyama Tobio will not be attending practice with us today, or anymore," the coach starts after clearing his throat. Everyone looks puzzled, they didn't miss the fact that the setter is nowhere to be seen, so they thought that it had been more than obvious. They don't understand why the coach looked so distraught and exhausted, hadn't he gone along with their plan in the first place? The man shuts his mouth and grits his teeth, like he didn't know how to continue. "He..."

When it becomes clear the man had no intention of continuing his sentence, Kunimi speaks up. "He quit the team? It's the end of the year anyway, right? It won't cost the team anything if he's graduating anyway."

"Kageyama Tobio has passed away." Their teacher, who had been quiet up until that point, says out of nowhere. The man acts like he hadn't just announced the death of a student and continues. "You are all expected to attend the memorial ceremony the school is going to hold in his honor as his teammates. No sneakers, no jeans. Wear the appropriate attire."

Everyone had paled, glancing between the coach and their teacher with white eyes and then each other. The sounds of muttering, whispering, and gasps fill the area as they process the information. Kindaichi looks like he's winded after a punch to the gut, Kunimi looks like he'll throw up.

"How?" Kindaichi gathers up enough courage to ask.

"Suicide." He goes silent for a few moments, allowing them to process the information before carefully continuing. "We know this is going to be difficult for you, it is not easy losing a fellow teammate. The counsellor wants to let you know that his office is always open if you wish to talk. Do not be afraid to reach out for help. You should not be going through such a thing, but unfortunately it is not something we can control." The teacher continues to speak and Kunimi suddenly stumbles away and doubles over, emptying his stomach on the ground.

The coach dismisses them after they seem stable enough. Kindaichi and Kunimi walk side-by-side with unspoken words hanging in the air between them. And when they hear a first year talking about Tobio, it takes everything in them not to explode. "Why is everyone overreacting? Didn't we hate him anyway? Isn't this..." The boy lowers his tone like he wants to whisper, but fails, "a good thing?"

The third years can barely look at each other, because they know. Did they only care because he was dead? This was all their fault and they know it, but they refuse to admit to it, no matter how cowardly. They finally part ways after getting their things, never speaking the words that they both couldn't stop thinking about.

If they knew what they did would lead Tobio to his death earlier, what would they do instead? Would they have done things differently?

They both share the same fear that maybe, no, they wouldn't have.

✵✵✵

If a year ago, one had told Kageyama Tobio a certain brown-haired setter attended his funeral with tears in his eyes, he would have laughed in their faces no matter how much he wished for it to have been true. What would have been different if he had known just how true that was.