I have never been an outgoing or a talkative person, I liked to stay at home rather than hang out at the movies or the mall. I liked to keep my conversations short and to the point. I've always liked my books more than my clothes. Before you ask, no, I'm not a nerd or a social pariah, I'm just another human. I have my fair share of friends who I love and who love me back just as much. That's the reason why I was both surprised and not surprised when Mrs. Green asked me to give an eulogy at her daughter's and my best friend's funeral.

Sarah Green's death came as a nasty surprise to everyone in town. It was like one minute she was there, laughing as always and the next minute she was gone, and gone were the sounds of her laughter. It was traumatic to see her body hanging from the fan in her bedroom with the words "Sorry I can't do this anymore" scribbled on the wall with a black sharpie, in the early hours of Sunday. How, when and why she did that, nobody knew.

The news had shook up many people, as there hadn't been many cases of suicide before in our small town.

Sarah and I had been best friends since the 5th Grade, when she had moved to this town. We had bonded almost instantly over a common dislike of our sports teacher, Ms. Kim. Since then we were attached by the hip. Now I wouldn't say her death had affected me the most, because like me there were many others who loved her, but I was devastated. I didn't remember crying any other time like I had cried that day.

It was late afternoon on a gloomy Monday when I had checked my emails to reply to everyone asking about her death and notifying people of her funeral as per her family's wishes. That's when I saw her email. It was dated on 12th of July Saturday and sent at 11:26 pm. I still remember the way my hands were shaking when I opened the email, it was like somehow I already knew what was in it.

It wasn't a long message, it was short and to the point, that was another reason why we were best friends. We both knew how much to talk. Attached with the email was a video. In the small paragraph she had apologised for her decision and asked me to watch the video if I wanted to know why and that'd she would always miss me.

I was already a mess from crying by the time I had read that small paragraph. I had no idea if I was ready to see her without breaking down. She had also mentioned that the video was only for me to see so I couldn't even share it with anyone else. Finally after I had calmed down a little, I clicked on 'play'.

The video was shot in her room, with her laptop's webcam, which explained the quality. I could barely see her as even the lights were off and the only light came from the window which she sat opposite to and her night lamp.

"Hi there" she started with what looked like a half smile. Her eyes didn't hold the usual sparkle and that broke my heart into pieces. I barely held in a sob as she continued.

"So if you're watching this and I'm dead, which I might be, I just want to say I'm so sorry." She said almost on the verge of tears. I hit the 'pause' as the tears started running down my face. I couldn't handle this. What the hell was she thinking? Call me selfish I don't care, I had no idea how to handle this, I wasn't prepared for her to die like this. Nobody was. How could she do this to us?

Wiping away my tears furiously, I clicked on the 'play' again. Tears were running down her face too, I could see better as the moonlight hit her face. "Please, please don't be angry Amy. I had to do this. Please understand, please don't hate me, that's the last thing I would want. If I could stay any longer I would, please believe me." She said quietly, wiping away her tears just like I was.

"I really don't know where to start, but I have to start somewhere right?" She tried to laugh but failed. "I guess it started way back, even before I moved here. The comments, taunts and everything. This is something I've never shared with you, but here it is, um, I have always been very self conscious. I know it's stupid and we shouldn't care about what others think and all that shit but it's not easy. It's not fucking easy to just ignore it. It's not, okay?" She cried. I sucked in a breath, this couldn't be. Why didn't she tell me before! Maybe I was more of a horrible friend than I thought, I couldn't even see through her façade. I could've done something, anything!

"All my life, I've had people telling me that I'm not good enough, or whatever I do is not good enough. I should try harder, become like someone who I'm not. I see myself in the mirror and I see someone who's not good enough. I tried, I tried to be what they want, but I couldn't okay, I don't even know what is this good enough. But now I'm tired. I really am. I hate the looks they give me. It's as if they already think I've failed my whole life. I don't need this. I'm so sorry. I'll forever be the fat and ugly girl who they think I am. That's all I am. I have no idea what to do with my future. I'm a failure."

"I know you must be thinking that you've been a bad friend, but no, you and the gang have been the only best part of my life. You guys have kept me going so long. I owe it all to you. If it's anyone, I'm the bad friend. I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt any of you. I will miss you all so so much. You have no idea." She said, her face was stained with tears. She looked so broken. I wish I was there sitting next to her, to hug her, to tell her it was okay, everything would be okay.

"I wish you'd hug me right now, I really need one" she laughed amidst the sobs. "Anyways, so yeah, you already know how I died so I wouldn't go into the details. I promise I won't come back to haunt so do tell my parents nobody needs to be scared of my room" she tried to make a lame joke again. Not funny Sarah I thought as I wiped my tears away again.

"Oh and Amy, please don't tell anyone about this video. Promise me you won't. I don't want anyone to think that my death was their fault. I didn't kill myself because I was weak or angry, I killed myself because if rebirth and all is true, I think I deserve a better life. If it's not well, hey, I'd totally hang out with you as a ghost. Okay?" The last part brought a smile to my face. I looked like a mess, my face all red and wet with tears which refused to stop.

"Please, please don't hate me. Don't be angry and don't let my death affect you too much. I'll always be with you. Everywhere. I love you Amy, always remember that. Now smile like this." She ended with a huge smile, but her eyes still held the tears. "Goodbye Amy" and with that the screen went black, leaving me in a crying mess on the floor.

Watching that video was harder than I thought. Today was Sarah's funeral.
I drove there with my parents, they were very supportive in all of this, they even helped plan the funeral. Sarah was like a daughter to them.

The ceremony quickly went by and everyone paid their last regards to Sarah. Her parents went up to the makeshift stage to thank the guests and to make their eulogies. They both looked nothing like the perfect couple they were. Sarah's death had taken a toll on them, she was their only child and I could only imagine how hard losing her would have been.

"Now we would like Amy, Sarah's best friend to say a few words in Sarah's memory." Mr Green said.

I smoothed my black dress slightly before getting up and walking over to Sarah's parents. With a sad smile, they handed me the mike and went and sat in their places.

"Hello, I'm Amy, and as most of you know I have been friends with Sarah since the Greens shifted to our small little town, Buxelwoods. Me and Sarah, we were similar in so many ways. She was like my sister from another family. Ever since she's been in my life we had been attached by the hip. We would tell each other everything. There were no secrets between us, or that's what I thought" I said breaking down as the crowd stared at me with sympathy. After a moment I continued.

"Sarah's death came as surprise to me just like anyone else. I had no idea why she did it, was Sarah another one to succumb to her insecurities or was there another reason behind her suicide, we would never know" I lied through my sobs. I had to keep the promise.

"But what I know is, Sarah is-was one gem of a person. She wouldn't do anything without any reason, also what I know and am sure of is, Sarah loved each and every one of us. She still does. She always will. Like you all I wished this wouldn't have to be this way, but it is. We all have to accept the fact that we won't see our little ball of sunshine anymore, a girl who brought happiness with just a smile of hers, a girl who always listened to our problems and helped when we needed her, a girl who we forgot could have had problems of her own which led her to take such a drastic step, won't be here anymore, but she'll always be in our hearts."

"Let's not see her death as a tragic incident to go down in history but as a learning milestone, that we all must share if anything ever bothers us. Please don't bottle up your feelings, let them out. You all are amazing and Sarah would want you to know that. She would want us all to be happy, I miss you so so much Sarah. May your soul rest in peace." And with that I ended my eulogy and looked around the room to see all the sad faces. Faces of friends and faces of family.

Some of these people were the reasons behind Sarah's death. They and their ideas of perfection ruined another person's life. I do not know who they were and I do not want to know.

Sarah Green was better off without them. She deserved a better world.

-Jes

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Please stop body shaming or bullying. Your words which may mean nothing to you can affect a person's life. Think before you speak. Not everyone is your idea of perfect. Keep your opinions to yourself if all they do is hurt someone. Stop judging. Everyone has their own problems, and it's perfectly normal to be flawed.

Please talk to someone if anything is bothering you before you decide to take such a drastic step. Don't shy away from being yourselves. Screw their ideas of perfection. You are perfect already.

I love you all just the way you are. X