henlo my violation beans, i'm ranting and you get to deal with my bs!

so, i haven't been on here in a while, which is whatever because there isn't much content of note other than my character analysis series, which i forgot about and now cannot find the research for

so i have to do it again

anyway, i am writing a lot, as you are probably aware, and i was writing the shelper fic i've been working on and i realized that i kind of hated it.

Then i was like, woah where did that come from? I've been working on that for months, it's 15000 words long, why are you thinking this now?

I genuinely could not find a decent answer to that question, but I realized that I felt that way about a lot of my work. I didn't like it.

So, I thought about Soulmates. I hated what I did when I started the rewrite, but now i enjoy writing soulmates. Why is that?

I wasn't writing for me, it was for the people who were reading.

I saw the same thing with being gay doing crime. it's fun to read, sure, but i didn't like writing it. It wasn't my style and it had no plot and no room for character development and relationship development and that's my favorite part about writing. i didn't have the ability to fully get into the characters because i was fully focused on how to make it chaotic as hell

With soulmates, I was way too edgy because, at the time, i only really liked more edgy and angsty fics with well-written prose. But i hate writing that edgy shit with no purpose other than to feel edgy.

I think that I love Soulmates so much more now because rather than everyone being sad all of the time, it's focused on how much these characters actually love each other both romantically and platonically and how they grow as people with time, and before it wasn't like that

Hell, right now, I would change the entire premise of soulmates because it's so fucking boring and irrelevant and paves the idea that relationships are perfect and everyone needs a perfect romantic match and that's total fucking bullshit. Which is why there has not been a mention of soulmate shit in over 30 chapters

But I also realized that the way i was writing soulmates before was so... i don't want to say bad, but weird. Because I would never make my Annabeth so stuck-up and snotty and I think I was so focused on what I thought everyone would like, because everyone on wattpad loves asshole annabeth, that i forgot why i wanted to write in the first place.

when i started the shelper fic, i just wanted to fucking find any shelper fic. It took, me forever to find them, and all of them are oneshots with no relationship development, not shelper centric, or all about how shel is a rebound to get over jason

and so. much. fluff.

But they were all so short and, quite honestly, the same shit over and over again and it was boring. No offense to the authors though, you have been feeding me

So, when i sat down to write my own, i said i'd make a 10,000 word one shot filled with fluff.

But when I wrote the first scene, this was the opening paragraph:

Shel gazed into the dark depths of her espresso martini as the lights around her began to dim. The industrial chandeliers hanging above the bar illuminated the room with a copper finish. Her glass reflects the colors making her drink even darker, richer.

and i fucking adore that line, but i fizzled that darker aesthetic as i went on because i didn't think anyone would read it. and i wrote this:

When Piper awoke, she found herself alone, the pitter patter of a shower coming from the room across the couch. Piper rubbed her eyes and checked the time: 8 on a Monday morning. She had class in two hours, but the most important realization was that she was fucking starving.

    She made her way into Shel's kitchen and opened up the fridge, found some eggs buried in the back behind milk, condensed milk, oat milk, and flan. She found some spinach stuffed in a drawer filled with other herbs and leaves. Piper could work with eggs and spinach.

    By the time Shel came out, her hair wet and put in two dutch braids, Piper was almost done. She sprinkled the remaining cheese on her crustless quiche and set it down to cool. "Morning," Shel said.

    "Good morning." Piper dramatically gestured to the pan atop of the stove. "Food."

    "Wow."

    "I know."

    After Shel tried the food, gave her judgment (a solid 8/10, needed a bit more cream), and started cleaning the dishes despite all of Piper's attempts to help, Piper found herself staring at Shel.

    "Do you want," Piper said as Shel finished, "to make this official?"

    Shel paused before breaking into a grin. "Like, we're exclusive." Piper nodded. "Yeah," Shel said. "Yeah, I'd like that."

not bad, but boring. There's no fucking substance and they'd only known each other for a few weeks and i hate how perfect and pink and fucking bland it is.

so, more recently, i wrote these few paragraphs:

Shel had been bombarded by calls from Luis. She had ignored them all, mostly to annoy him. After the fifth call, she answered. "Are you dying?"

    "Am I dying? Asshole, you said you'd call me!" Luis screamed.

    "Yeah, I was going to," Shel said. "Chill the fuck out."

    "I hope you perish."

    "Fun. What do you want?"

    Luis was silent for a time. "Are you fucking serious? I want to know how the date went!"

    "How old are you?"

    "Shelby, this is the only interesting thing that is happening in this family. I am experiencing withdrawals from familial drama," Ava said into the speaker.

    "I mean, Nora isn't speaking to me," Shel said. "I think that counts as familial drama."

    "Shel," Ava whined.

    "It was good. We're going out again soon."

    Luis cheered. "Look at my baby sister having game!"

    "I will actually pay you to shut up."

and i love these lines.

I realized that i liked these because there's so much going on, with very little words. I have the sibling dynamic and how his fiance is a great fit for him because of their banter while also showing in very subtle terms the drama of Shel's sister, nora. and how even though shel says it's fine, it's bothering her, and shows that shel shows affection through her own banter and is a caring person who loves her family.

the shel i was writing before was so flat.

i missed the shel who drank espresso martinis and was so sarcastic to her family and 6 (i shit you not) siblings, and i hated the shel who did the dishes for piper because she was nice and wished the quiche was slightly more creamy.

I don't think people realize how much it took in me to say to myself, I don't like this. because that's lampshading, and lampshading is bad and you told yourself that you would stop doing that

I then wondered why I was so scared to write what I wanted to write, and thought back to when i first start rewrite.

i bit off a lot more than i could chew at the time, hated the characters, hated the relationships, hated the premise, hated...a lot. but i told myself, this is how you get fans

then i introduced shel, just to make myself feel a bit better, and people left

but i liked it, so i made jason gay. then i made reyna ace. then i made sadie bi. then i made sadie like jaz. then i made nico trans. i gave will trauma. i emphasized the importance of friendship. i showed realistic depictions of mental health. i gave my genuine opinion on things with this series

everyone who originally adored my fic is gone

but everyone i have now, is so much better and means so much more to me

i didn't know that people actually liked LGBTQ headcanons until i said fuck it, why not.

i didn't know people would feel for realistically tortured characters rather than melodrama

i hate that i didn't do any of that before, because the audience i have now, is the one i always wanted

so, take that as a lesson.

write what you want, that way people can enjoy your content the way you enjoy making content.

your popularity does not measure how good of an author you are, take a look at Sarah J Maas for proof. (i will never not trash her books)

you can be an amazing hidden gem with a specific audience, whom you love.