hey violation beans

happy new year

it's 1:45am at the time that i'm writing this, and i am thoroughly exhausted, but whatever

i just got the drive to write this, so here we go

i've been doing... well, i've been doing terribly. in fact, i kind of hate my life and myself right now.

and i know that i shouldn't, for a variety of reasons which i won't list as i want this done ASAP so i can sleep, but know that i am aware i have nothing to truly hate. it sucks, and i feel guilty, but it's the truth.

i've been very stressed since the end of september. the end of quarterly finals and the beginning of the second quarter of the school year.

now, my classes weren't "joking around" and we got out of the review phase and into the shit i have to actually stress about phase

this happened at the same time as PSATs, and as a sophomore in classes with juniors, the PSAT was hyped up a lot for me. it really shouldn't have been.

i was put in a position to compete and meet the levels of people who were above me, whether i put myself there or if someone else did, i still have yet to determine. it stressed me out. a lot. i started having sleep issues then.

then came october, where i was dealing with more shit. all my tests were postponed due to the PSAT, and now, i had to take them all. five days.

but, there was homecoming, and that kept me going.

around this time, i started writing less. it's not that i didn't want to, i didn't have the time. homework was piling up and i had to write for my creative writing class. i love that class, i really do. but i know how the brain works. i know how motivation works. so, it was no surprise that i found writing my fucking fanfic much more enjoyable than the original work i had to turn in for a grade.

but still, whenever i could, i wrote. but over the years i've developed a small perfectionism problem.

it's not small, actually. it's pretty fucking big.

still, i did what i could. i updated when i felt my work was okay, because that was a win for me. there were a few days where i was genuinely proud. like that shel and alex chapter (my favorite). or when i did the ihbwyftbom chapter most recently. or even just one small scene, like shel's Don't Cry For Me Argentina scene--it's one of my favorites. when it comes to Chaotic College Children, i'm not as critical since it's a crack fic. it doesn't have to make sense, it just has to be funny.

nevertheless, i wrote a little. a lot less than i wanted, but it was still there.

then it was mental health day, where i wasn't allowed to leave the room and had my very first panic attack. or at least i think that's what it was.

i crashed then, the only thing keeping me going was homecoming, juts three days away. then it was the dance. then i got sick

i missed a week of school. then i went to Utah (pretty, but damn the culture there sucks ass) and missed another week.

i am taking a class that is pre-calc, calc AB, parts of trig, and parts of calc BC combined into one course.

i missed two whole units when i was sick and at the family reunion.

i had the week to catch up then it was thanksgiving break. but it wasn't a break, i was still playing catch up

it's so funny that the class i missed the most in, chemistry, was the onyl class i was able to understand. tells you a lot about good teachers, huh.

anyway, i had three weeks to bring up a B, two Cs, two Ds, and an F.

so, what classes am i taking this year?

I took Women's Studies: B

Chemistry: D

Euro History: C

Math: F

English Lang: D

Creative Writing: B

ASL: C (this one was the easiest to turn into an A because i just had to show my teacher vocab)

now, i worked my ass off to get these grades up, and i was able to get every class past the B threshold. except math

i missed geometry and trig. the two units you should never miss, and i had a week to learn all of the material for bith and pass the test

i started having panic attacks daily at the point and my sleep is hell. it took three hours to fall asleep, no matter when i went to bed. i always woke up a minimum of three times, taking an hour to fall back alseep each time

guess what else was happening at the same fucking time? MIDTERMS BABY

i was fucked.

i was able to bring my 52 up to a 77.

everyone around me says, wow, that's amazing. but i cried. i fucking bawled

i had never gotten a C before. i was always able to get to that 80. always.

i felt like a failure. i still do.

but, it's winter break now.

i told myself i'd write, and i did. but not for the fics that mattered. i wrote for my fic in development and shelper.

and i told myself i'd get a break, but it's winter break. everyone is off.

winter break meant social events, meant talking. this meant meeting my third cousin's new bf (i'm from PR, i would have to meet my 60th cousin's new significant other, istg). this meant meeting my aunts new bf. then dealing with my abuelo talking shit about said new bf, even if he was chill to me. this meant seeing my cousin who i haven't seen since he got married on my birthday, and i'm still fucking salty. this meant seeing that bf again, with my abuela and abuelo in my house, where i am expected to socialize. this meant, literally the next day, new years, i would have to go to abuelo's house where he befriended all of the fucking neighbors and have my 2d cousin's wife's sister bring her friend, and guess what?? they are the same fucking age as me

i am an introvert. i like people in small amounts. i need a break after each social event to charge my social meter.

i have not had that.

and i keep getting looks when i say i don't want to go anywhere. i feel selfish, so i go anyway.

i am exhausted. and today, when i wake up, i have to go right back.

then tomorrow, i have to go to school.

my life has been hell. i'm depressed. i feel stupid. i feel like a disgrace to my family. i feel like a shitty fic writer who can only write what isn't published.

in fact, today i wrote 2,000 words. for shelper.

i haven't even fucking started the new chapter for ihbwyftbom.

well, that's a lie. i've been working on it since i published the last chapter, really. i just keep deleting and restarting. none of it is ever right.

i feel so bad for taking the time i need instead of writing and just binging the entirety of Midnight Mass in a day (good show, but soooo fucked up)

and i have pressure coming from all around, and i noticed, this only ever happens once we cross the fall threshold.

seasonal depression!!! yay!!!

anyway, the new year means that spring is coming soon. i should be okay soon. i will be okay soon.

sorry for the rant, i think i needed to let it all out.

i'm not going on hiatus or anything, i just don't have the time or energy to write anything huge, but you know me. i will literally force myself to create.

thank you to everyone who has made my life bearable these past few months. especially riptide2406 ilysm. and thank you to all of my readers, who don't actually read these, but whatever.

happy new year, everyone.

i love y'all. so much.

and i hope to update soon, i just need to adjust a little, you know?