Sometime in 2019, I came out as bisexual. It was easy for me; I had a supportive environment, and it didn't feel like a big deal, so I just sent everyone a text message, and that was that.

Or so I thought.

Skip forward one year, and I'm coming out again. This time, as a lesbian. And this time, it feels much more real. It makes me nervous. I take the time to tell people face to face. And I know why. Because this is the actual me.

As a girl who lived under the impression she was straight for twenty-two years, it was a lot to take in and unpack. Right now, it seems obvious I'm a lesbian, but trust me, it wasn't easy to figure out.

In this short piece of text, I will go over all the signs I missed throughout my life, laughing about them and trying to explain my ignorance. On the one hand, I needed to get it off my chest; on the other hand, I hope I might help other people figure out their sexuality.

Before we begin, I just want to be clear about one thing: bisexuality is valid. It's not a 'stepping stone sexuality'; there are people who are legit bi. I'm just not one of them.

A few months ago, as an unsuspecting 'bisexual', I was watching interviews with Keri Russell, an insanely gorgeous and great actress. I got all warm inside from seeing her laugh, and then I suddenly felt the need to write my first womanxwoman romance here on Wattpad, Jessie & Elizabeth. The more I wrote, the more I liked it. As part of my research, I started to watch videos of lesbian and bisexual women discussing the differences between their respective sexualities.

That was how my confusion started. The things the lesbian woman was saying were so much more relatable. And I began to wonder, not for the first time, if I might just be gay too.

Then I found a video on "compulsory heterosexuality", and my world turned upside down. Basically, compulsory heterosexuality is the fact that being straight is something society and our culture tries to force on us. Even though it affects people of every gender, it's mostly used in the context of women because it ties in with misogyny so well. We are taught that making men happy is our job. We're supposed to dress up for them, change our behavior to please them, and we're supposed to want a man's love above anything else. So, how do you separate society's expectations from your real feelings?

There is a lesbian master doc that lists all the signs that might mean your attraction to men is actually compulsory heterosexuality, and I recognized so many of them! If you're confused about your own sexuality, I highly encourage looking it up and reading through it, because it opened my eyes. I'll be talking about many of the signs in this short book. Bear in mind I'm talking about my experiences—they'll be different for everyone, of course.

I think maybe if I'd stumbled across the doc earlier, I would've figured myself out much sooner, so I hope that talking about my experiences will help someone else too.

As for the book's title — well, go watch Orange Is the New Black, one of the queerest shows ever, and you'll understand ;).