By: _itz_shifana

Package: Bramble

Summary

❥ Epigraph:

❝ When your love is real, you don't care if the other person deserves it or not.❞

❥ The official start:

❝Naira loved Rahul, Rahul loved Kiara, Kiara didn't understand what love was, or let's say she didn't wanted to.❞

❥ Prelude:

"Naira? You alright?" Viraj said as he walked in and sat on Naira's bed, standing in a black knee length pencil skirt and white shirt, while drinking wine and looking out of her apartment window, Naira nodded.

"Ready to go back?" He asked again, this time she turned to face him. Her face was covered with make up, fake eyelashes, dark red colored lipstick, her cheeks covered with a shimmery shade of light red blush and hairs pulled up perfectly in a ponytail. Viraj's heart ached seeing her like this but, he chose to stay quiet.

"As ready as I'll ever be." She spoke, taking a last sip from her drink, she placed the empty glass on the table and walked over to the window, keeping her hand on it she whispered, "Naira Singhal is back."

❥ Extended summary inside.

Truth to be told, I'm not a fan of this kind of layout, however it does hint as to what's about to go down, which is good in some ways. You've given us an insight into your story, as well as the style of writing you have, and that has the potential to be a good hook to some people... However, there are a few issues with this -- the main one being, I'm not exactly sure as to what the plot is going to be and that'd be a major turn off for me.

Where's the conflict going to be?

Where's the plot going to go?

Currently I'm guessing it's going to be a love conflict of course, possibly following Naira in her quest to gain this guy's love, but I'm not exactly certain of what role she's going to play.

The extract from the book isn't all that interesting to me, aside from the last line. It also confuses me a bit, since we've got this new character: Viraj. Blurbs need to introduce the main character(s) a bit, since I didn't even realise this 'Naira' had been away. What's the dynamic between Naira and Kiara?

My advice would be to look through as many blurbs as possible -- perhaps compare those on Wattpad to those of published books, and see what makes a good blurb and what doesn't.

Chapter One

This chapter was a lot like the summary in the fact it confused me a bit. You've introduced the characters well, but I feel like it was a bit too fast -- so I'd advise padding them out a bit. I kept having to refer back to your cast list and descriptions of them to know who they were, which can make for a slow read. Each of your characters seems unique and individualistic, though I'm not entirely sure of the cast you've picked out -- since I thought they were much older than highschoolers, but maybe there'll be a timeskip?

I also noticed you seem to be going for third person omniscient, so hats off to you. You seem to be keeping that up fairly well, but I'd be careful of slipping into third limited.

Now, onto one of the main issues I found in this paragraph... that being punctuation and grammar. For you, I find it's inconsistent, a main problem being around the punctuation after speechmarks.

"Leave me alone!" she yelled. (Correct)

"Leave me alone!" She yelled. (Incorrect)

"How are you?" she said (I'd lean away from this and put ask, seeing as she's asked a question)

"I don't believe you," she said. (Correct)

"I don't believe you." she said. (Incorrect)

"I don't believe you." She said. (Also incorrect)

I'm not a professional at this, so this is worth looking up to double check and confirm rules and whether there are any exceptions -- I'm new to this formating too, but I suppose that's what editing is for.

All you need is a bit of proofreading to keep it consistent.

At times I was also lost as to the setting of where they were. They started off in highchool, and there were a lot of scenebreaks before the end, so I'm unsure of where they ended up, so I'd definitely add some more description when you get around to editing.

Other than this, and what I've previously mentioned, I thought your first chapter was an interesting, yet slightly too fast paced, one.

Well, that's one summary and one chapter reviewed (since there wasn't a chapter titled prologue), so here's the main points summed up:

What I liked:

- Your characters all seem to have different personalities, different from one another, though I have taken a slight disliking to Naira, though I can understand where she comes from when she snaps at them.

- You've introduced the situation, and though it's different to what I thought it was, it seems to be believable for a high school situation.

What could be improved:

- Description (add more) so I can get a clearer picture of the setting, but be careful of going overboard.

- Punctuation. Keep it consistent, and look into capitalisation and such around speech marks. Keep an eye out for run on sentences too, since there were a few which dragged on a bit.My main advice for this is to read them aloud.

Thank you for requesting a review from me, and apologies about how long it took me to complete this.