"Words. So angrily spoken. So in my face. They tell me what to do and how to do it, with no choice in the matter but to do as I'm told. And I wonder if I should stay or if I should go. Their words, they sting. They ring loud and clear. This is how it's going to be. Take it or leave it.

And their words speak volumes along with their actions. Melding together flawlessly to make the perfect unloving people that I unfortunately have to call my own flesh and blood. In a world where love is a myth and I am just an untold story.

It's obvious there's no love left. There hasn't be any for so long, I forget what it feels like. And when I look around me, I wonder if people can see I'm almost drowning. Is it obvious I've barely got my head above water? Sometimes I think it would be easy to just allow myself to go under, but what good would that do? What a fucking waste that would be.

There's still so much life to live. So much to see. So much to do. As it is, they are just words, from people who don't give two shits about me. And although I've taught myself not to care, sometimes it all comes back. On days like today, when I'm given a sliver of what it used to be, it's all too fresh in my mind to not have the strength I usually do.

And even when I'm given moments of solitude, where I can literally feel like I was given something I needed, the moment I step back into this place, reality always hits harder, as if I wasn't allowed to breathe in any happiness at all. As if those small moments in time I get to share with the stars, mean nothing. They're just snippets of the world I want to stay in. Where the sun and the stars meet and will forever hold onto my dreams.

But I am forever stuck in the land of lost hope. Just praying that one day I will find my way out. For now, I'll just whisper to the rain, to hear it echo back my name, and scream into the dark, because everything is tearing me apart.

PS: If I have to listen to 'It's all your fault' one more time, I think I might throw myself off a cliff. Just for the record. I'm losing my fucking mind.

Girl_Disconnected"

I've shut myself in the wardrobe room, sitting in the corner, trying to stay awake through lunch hour. My mood is horrid today and I don't think I have ever been this tired before in my life, as I scroll through job postings on my phone. Despite the fact I have more money than I know what to do with and don't really need a job, there's no way in hell I'm giving that money to my parents, and unfortunately I won't leave the comfort of my bedroom, no matter how miserable being there makes me, until I at least graduate. And so, the only answer I've come up with, is to get a job.

Last night I went through a whirlwind of emotions. Most of which that drained me. My parents really did a number on me, and while everything seemed so calm when I was with Harry, the storm started up again when I crawled back through my window. But this time it came in a much different way than I'm used to.

Mom was sitting outside my bedroom door, crying and screaming, 'It's all your fault,' through sobs over and over again. I made the mistake of asking through the door, if she was okay when I got home, making her go on for hours knowing I was there. She said it wasn't their plan for it to go the way it did. I should have just cooperated with Dad and I never should have walked away, because she had to pay for my bad attitude.

I knew that it wasn't all my fault. I may have made him mad, but our family has trouble keeping in how we really feel to each other, whatever the consequences would be after it came out of our mouths. My mother especially. She easily added to his anger, I know she did. I didn't need to be there to know that.

She kept me awake longer than I normally would have been up for on a Thursday night, making me miss the entire first period and half of second. I'm so happy there is less than two months left until I graduate, and I won't have to deal with any more detentions, or asshole teachers.

"Hey, I've been looking for you everywhere." I peer up from my phone to see that Niall has walked into the wardrobe room. "What are you doing in here alone?"

I stand up from my place on the floor and stretch as I yawn and rub my eyes. "I was looking for a job," I accidentally blurt out. I scream at myself inside of my head for not being able to keep my mouth shut because I'm so damn tired.

"You need a job?" he asks. "For like, the summer before college starts?"

"Yeah."

"My mom made me get a summer job too," he laughs. "I'm gonna coach T-Ball to little tykes. Gonna be pretty cool actually!"

"Sounds fun," I yawn. "Can you not tell anyone I was looking for a job though? I don't want people to know."

Despite the fact that I was trying to avoid being around people today, I walk out of the wardrobe room with him without thinking about it. "I don't think I've ever met anyone who is as secretive as you are," he tells me as we walk down the hallway. He tilts his head to the side as he looks at me with a small smile on his face. "Ya know there's nothing wrong about having to get a job, right? You don't need to keep that a secret."

"I just don't think my life is anyone's business," I explain. "People have too many opinions. I don't like to give them anything to talk about."

He nods in agreement. "Good point."

I wonder what it would be like to be normal, to let things out as easy as I seemed to in the wardrobe room. I know that life would be much simpler if I was able to all the time, because I see that telling Niall that I needed to get a job wasn't so bad. He didn't judge me or have a bad thought towards me about it like I thought he would, but as we walk down the hall towards our friends in front of our lockers, I am reminded as to why I keep secrets and have walls up as high as I do, because just like the rest of the week, everyone's eyes are on us as we walk passed them.

The only people I seem to see though, are Harry and Maddy, who along with everyone else, are both looking at Niall and I. And I watch as Harry removes his arm from around her shoulder and move to lean against the lockers. She turns to look at him sadly before looking back at us. The way she looks back and forth between Harry and I, I can sense that there's thoughts floating around in her head and I'm hoping to God a light bulb doesn't go off, otherwise I know I'm in trouble. Harry needs to smarten up. I'm not in the mood today to deal with anyone's crap.

"So, is it true?" Chelsea asks, as we approach them. "Are you going to prom with Niall?"

Aaaand it starts. Ugh.

"I don't know why it matters to you who I'm going to prom with," I say, rolling my eyes as I drop my backpack on the floor. "But if you must know Chelsea, yes Niall and I are going together."

I notice her and Rachel exchange glances before looking over at Harry with raised eyebrows and back at each other. I am too tired for this shit.

"Did you also know that Maddy is going to prom with Harry?" I ask, not caring how annoyed I look or sound. Both of their jaws drop, their eyes widen, and I'm slightly entertained by their obvious shock to this news. Harry glares at me from the ground as he stares up at me.

"You said you weren't going to prom!" Rachel pouts. "You could have just said you were going with her."

"Seriously? Dick move," Chelsea adds.

We watch the two girls stand up and walk down the hall, and I'm more than happy I don't have to look at them anymore.

"Thanks for that," Harry says, sarcasm laced in his tone. His eyes burn into mine, glaring at me with furrowed eyebrows.

"Yeah, because they weren't going to find out anyways," I sneer with a roll of my eyes as I sit down next to Niall. "Give me a break."

"Someone's in a mood," Kate says.

"Like always," Maddy adds quietly.

There are times when I just know I have to bite my tongue despite wanting to tell people off. This is one of those times. I can feel myself start to shake, as I fight away the tears that are wanting to come out. Not getting enough sleep last night and the emotional roller coaster I seem to be on, I can't take any of their shit right now. And I hate that I am in the hallway filled with students, because every part of me wants to break down, and I have to do everything in my power to hold it in and not walk away like I feel like I should. Instead, I put all my attention on my phone in my hand and hope to God they don't hear the screaming going on inside of my head.

"You should come out for dinner tonight after the performance," Kate says. "It's the last dinner we're having. It'll be fun and maybe it will cheer you up."

"I don't need cheering up," I grumble, not looking away from my phone. "I'm tired from no sleep last night. And besides, I told you. I don't have any money to go."

"I'll pay for your dinner," Harry says, making me look at him with wide eyes. He shrugs his shoulders as he looks back at me, and I only wish he could hear my thoughts, because he'd know how mad I am with his suggestion.

This fucker! Is he trying to make my life more difficult?

"There ya go!" Kate states with a smile. "It's settled! You're coming!"

"Yay—" Maddy tries to sound excited, but the look on her face implies that she is anything but.

**

Mrs. Platt is sitting at her desk with her head in a book as usual, as I walk into detention. She doesn't even look up at me, and I'm happy that I have this time to take a nap, knowing that tonight is going to be busy with the performance, and having to go out for dinner, all thanks to Harry. Staying awake during classes has been next to impossible. I should have just skipped school today, because I know for a fact I didn't learn a thing.

As I put my head down on the table in front of me, I can tell how easy it's going to be to slip into sleep. I don't even bother to open my eyes when I hear someone sit next to me. It feels so good to close my eyes. I hear my phone sound with a text message, but I'm so close to sleep, I don't care about it. It isn't until it goes off again and Mrs. Platt clears her throat that I sit up hastily and look around the room. The first thing I see is Harry sitting next to me, staring at me with a devious smirk on his face.

I look to the front of the room where Mrs. Platt is staring at me as she takes her glasses off. She points to the chalkboard that reads 'Cell phones on silent' and I quickly rummage through my purse to do as it says.

Why is he here? I just want to sleep! 

I open my messages that seemed to have annoyed Mrs. Platt, to see they came from Harry, and roll my eyes realizing that he texted me while sitting right next to me.

From: Harry
>>Wake up!

From: Harry
>>Sleepy head!

Knowing that I'm not allowed to talk, I lean back in my chair and type back.

To: Harry
>>Why are you here?

I watch as he smiles as he presses his thumbs across the screen at a fast pace.

From: Harry
>>I left class this morning to meet you, and you never showed up. And I missed the rest of English because I was waiting for you.

From: Harry
>>Needless to say, Mr. Matthews was pissed. Hence why I'm here right now.

To: Harry
>>Why did you want to meet me?

He doesn't type back right away, and I watch out of the corner of my eye as he stares at the screen. Last night we experienced something different together. He gave me a different kind of escape. One mixed with silence and laughter along with the stars, that seemed to do its job unexpectedly. All I can do is wonder if something changed. It's hard to tell if anything would have, because he seems to be getting harder to read with every day that passes. He was mad at me earlier and yet he said he'd pay for my dinner tonight. Maybe I'm the only one confused? Maybe I'm thinking too much into it?

From: Harry
>>The janitor's closet sounded like a good idea at the time. ;) ;)

And there's the answer. Nothing has changed, whatsoever. I don't know why I would think it would. I must be over tired, because it's not like I want things to change anyways. My mind is making me question things that shouldn't be questioned. I need sleep. Lots of it.

To: Harry
>>So you would've gotten detention anyways then..lol

From: Harry
>>Would have been worth it! 

From: Harry
>>Also, we're partners for end of year english assignment apparently. We'll find out next Friday what it is. Looks like we'll have lots of 'study' time together.  ;)

I stare at the screen, trying to take in the fact we're going to have to do more than 'study' together. Although by now, it's clear that despite this relationship we've developed is based on sex, there's more to it than just that. I'm not sure why I feel that way, it's not like we know much about each other still. 

But as thoughts whirl around in my head, I realize that when you have sex with someone, you're letting them in. You're allowing them to see a part of you only they will ever see. It's the same as the saying your eyes are windows to your soul. Letting someone stare into your eyes, is letting them see beneath the surface. If they want to see what you're hiding, they'll find everything in your eyes. It's easy to do the same thing with sex.  As if somehow, every time he gives me an escape, he really sees me for everything that I am—everything I'm hiding. Maybe he knows I need him. Maybe he can see that I lose myself in him. And maybe losing myself in him, allows for him to see all the things I'm trying to hide from the world, because just like my eyes are windows to my soul, my body is an open door to all of me for him.

That's if he's even looking. Or paying attention. Or wanting to find anything. He would have to want to see through that door to feel any sort of emotional connection to me, to understand any part of me. And for some reason, I know there's a chance that he sees right through me. And we are connected in ways that even I haven't got a clue about.

Even though I can tell there's more to it now, I don't really know how I feel about having to do a work assignment with him. I don't want to do more than just have sex with him. I don't work well with others. I wonder how Maddy feels about us having to work together? She didn't say anything to me about it yet. I think I'll have to read her blog again if she doesn't say anything to me about it, because I know Maddy, and she'll have something to say about it for sure.

Harry taps me on the shoulder a few times, bringing me back to reality. I look over at him, to see he's staring at me with his eyebrows raised before he points to my phone resting on the table in front of me.

Seems I was stuck in my thoughts for longer than I thought, as I notice the texts he's sent me I didn't notice.

From: Harry
>>Is that okay we're working together? You look like you're unsure about it....

From: Harry
>>Are you okay?

From: Harry
>>Earth to Jayde!

From: Harry
>>Are you sleeping with your eyes open, because that's just creepy!

From: Harry
>>Hellloooooooooo?!

From: Harry
>>I'll give you a ride home. Okay?

To: Harry
>>Okay.

**

I've convinced Harry to drop me off in the small parking lot by the path to the woods, the place he was parked when we had sex in his car in the rain. He seemed skeptical about it at first but agreed to it once I told him Carter might see him drop me off if he was to drive to my house. Thank God for good excuses.

"So, I'll see you tonight at the performance," he says, turning into the parking lot. "Are your parents coming?"

"Why would they come?" I ask. 

"Oh, I don't know," he shrugs. "Mine are. I thought everyone's parents were."

"Not mine," I shake my head. "And why the hell would you suggest paying for my dinner? Are you crazy?"

He laughs, running his hand through his hair. "I just feel bad you've missed out on all the dinners we've went to. It's stupid they didn't offer to buy your dinner for at least one of them just so you could come."

"What makes you think I even wanted to go?" I ask, opening the car door.

He stares at me for a few moments, trying to figure out if I'm serious or not. "You're so strange sometimes," he finally says, a small smile forming on his face. "And you better come to Niall's party tomorrow night."

"Yeah, we'll see about that one," I roll my eyes. "I'll see you later. I'm going to have a nap before we have to be back at the school."

I step out of the car and look back at him before closing the door. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly as I start to walk, feeling conflicted about wanting to go home. I want to take a nap more than I ever have before, but the change in events that occurred in my house makes me even more weary about going there. All I can hope is that I'm left alone like I usually am, and nothing unexpected is going to happen.

I'm barely in the woods when I hear Harry's car door slam and I turn around to see that he is walking towards me at a quick pace. When he reaches me, his hands are on either side of my face, pulling me into him. I breathe in the taste of his lips on mine as my heart starts to race. I know that I'm not about to get an escape at the moment, and his actions seem so out of the blue, I don't know what to think about it. But I allow his tongue to play with mine, hoping that this kiss will take me away. But as quickly as his lips were on mine, he pulls away and looks me in the eyes.

"You know," he says quietly. "If you ever need to talk to someone, I'm a really good listener. And you know you can trust me. I'd be the perfect person to tell, since we're a secret. You know I wouldn't tell anyone."

His words make me want to cry, and I can feel the tears wanting to escape as his eyes flick back and forth between mine. Although he has a good point, my secrets are secrets for a reason. It's bad enough right now that Carter knows so much, now that we aren't talking. I'm not about to let Harry in, knowing that I'm not keeping him forever.

I step away from him, my eyes still on him. "It's better to not know a thing about each other," I remind him of his words. "Remember?"

"Yeah, but—"

"I'm fine, Harry," I interrupt. "There's nothing to tell. There's nothing to talk about. I'm just tired and need to take a nap. I'm good, I promise."

I start to walk away before the tears can fall. Before he can see any ounce of the lie I just told. It feels like forever since someone told me I can talk to them. Forever since someone acknowledged the pain I'm in and asked if I'm okay. And despite the fact it's nice to hear that he's willing to listen, everything will remain where it belongs—inside of me.

A/N: Sorry for the wait on the update. Hope it was worth it.

Thoughts? Please share them with me! ☺

Thank you so much for 9.3K reads! ♥♥♥

Much love,
amberlove
xo