"What I need to remember, is there is a difference between someone wanting you and someone who would do anything to keep you. Somehow, I think I forget there is a difference and he most certainly wouldn't do a thing to keep me, because he only wants me. And all I can do, is take it for what it is, because I need him to be there to take away the pain when I need it. He's my outlet. I wouldn't do a single thing to keep him. It's all about want for me, when it comes to him. 

But sometimes I wonder what it's like to have someone who would do anything to keep me. If it's possible to even find another person in the world who could love me enough. I used to think I had that person. My forever. He was the only thing I ever needed. He was that person who made me smile. He made me laugh. Gave me reason to love life for all it was worth, no matter how hard things got. He was always the place I went to, to feel safe. Because being with him was the only place I felt like I belonged.

There has been times since he left me, that I thought for sure we'd fix things. That somehow in the end, after we grew up just a little and we figured everything out, that we would end up together. And I think part of him has felt that way too. But lately I have realized, that there is so much truth in the saying, 'everything happens for a reason,'  and I think that parting ways was always in the cards for us. Because I see now, that he isn't, and never will be my home the way he once was.

I know more than anything now, that he is only my past. There isn't any kind of future for us. He made me see that he is untrusting. He let the wrong words fly out of his mouth. Words that he promised never to speak in front of another person. And there he was, allowing for my secrets to be known. And in this life if you do me wrong, sometimes even an apology wouldn't suffice.

I have learned that people are so unpredictable. One moment they can love you more than anything else in the world, and the next, you mean nothing to them at all. And I think that's what makes everything so scary. You just never know who will make or break you. I want to find someone who would do anything to keep me. But how could I ever let my walls down far enough for someone to want to do that?

Girl_Disconnected"

"I had admired her for years. And admiring her from afar, was like staring at the stars. Beautiful to look at, yet too hard to reach. And even though she's given me just a sliver of herself now, she'll never give me all of her. She'll forever be fully out of reach. Closed off and unwilling. Or maybe she's unable to share with me the part of her I need the most. After all, we were never meant to know what makes each other's heart's beat or a single thought that we think.

It doesn't mean that she's any less beautiful to me now, than she was before—When I was only able to admire her from afar. Because up close, her blue eyes are piercing. I know she has stories in which she hides from the world around her, that only makes everything about her even more intriguing. There's more to her than meets the eye. And maybe that's why I have always been drawn to her. I like an untold story, a mystery just waiting to be resolved. And her eyes say everything she doesn't. Maybe I just need to look deeper and I will find the answers I'm looking for.

And it's clear to me that I'm torn between the girl standing in front of me, who gives me more than I ever asked for somehow, and a girl I've never met, who lets me into her beautiful mind. Together, they're the perfect girl. Separately, two incredibly different people with so many different things to offer.

I love the kind of girl who knows what she wants. Someone who's been hurt as much as I have, to know exactly what they're looking for. This girl, her mind, her broken self, is stronger than she thinks she is. She portrays herself beautifully, despite being damaged, and I hope that she knows that somewhere, someone is thinking of her and wishing somehow, someway, we'll meet.

Boy_Undiscovered"

This week has been one of the strangest. Needless to say, since Carter and I broke up, I'm used to being fairly invisible. I can normally go on about my days without unwanted attention on my back and do my thing without anyone even noticing me. But not so much all of a sudden. I can feel the eyes of everyone around me, as if I'm suddenly part of an exhibit at the zoo. People's prying eyes looking in, trying to figure me out with every move I make, and I can tell they're all whispering about me.

Word got around quickly about what happened at the basketball game. It didn't help that this word came from an uploaded version in the form of a video on Willow Malone's blog of how it all went down in the gym, making it clear that shit hit the fan between Carter and I. And to make matters worse, Niall felt the need to follow me everywhere and apologize a thousand times for asking me to wear his jersey and thinks that because of all this ruckus he's caused, he needs to make it up to me by walking me to class, sitting next to me at lunch and he has even offered me rides home after school the last couple days, which I've declined every time, of course. But his presence doesn't help the eyes that peer our way, watching us as if seeing me with him is something that shouldn't happen. 

I'm happy I haven't had to deal with the wrath of Chelsea or Rachel in person yet. But they have kept a close watch on me the last couple days, listening in on all of my conversations with anyone I talk to. Chelsea's blog on the other hand is a whole different story, which has been pretty funny to read over the last few days since Harry came to get me in the wardrobe room. Apparently, I was never on their radar of girls they had to look out for when it came to Rachel's precious Harry, and I am going to make sure I get off their radar as fast as possible. I'm finding out already, that having Niall around is going to help keep me in the clear, because even though they had been seriously questioning Harry's motives because of the basketball ordeal, seeing that we haven't interacted the last couple days and Niall has been stepping in, I don't think I'll have to worry about being on their radar for long.

It's been a hectic week for everyone on the musical, since performances started today. They performed for the school this afternoon and tomorrow night and Saturday are the big nights. Maddy had decided she wasn't going to talk to me about Harry just yet, because she didn't want anything to lose her focus on what was most important, and I've been lucky enough to be able to avoid her the last few days because her and Charlie have been practicing nonstop every chance they got.

But now that the first performance is over with, she seems to be back to her normal self, because as I stand at my locker after school, I can hear that she is watching the video that went viral around school, apparently filling herself in on the events she missed.

"I told you Carter wanted to get back together," she huffs, putting her phone back in her purse. "The poor guy is jealous."

"Whatever," I say, rolling my eyes. I sit down against my locker, not wanting to go home. Maddy sits down next to me, crossing her legs and running her hand through her long blonde hair. Her eyes are set on me, and I know that the conversation I've been dreading about Harry is about to happen now that she has me alone and I internally groan.

"Can I ask you something?" she asks.

"Sure." I rummage through my backpack, pretending to have my attention elsewhere so I don't have to make eye contact with her, afraid of what might come out of her mouth.

"What happened after Harry followed you out of the gym?" she asks.

Well, Harry fucked me doggy style in the wardrobe room, giving me the escape I needed, and watching him fuck me in the mirror was the hottest thing I've ever experienced.

"Nothing, why?" I decide to say, trying not to smile as I think back to what really happened. "Harry brought me my backpack from the bleachers and was gone before Carter and I were even finished yelling at each other."

"Okay," she smiles. "And you and Carter? Are you okay?"

"Nope," I tell her quickly. "Look, I really don't want to talk about Carter, okay? I'm done with him. So please don't tell me that we should get back together or work things out, because it's not happening."

I can feel her stare burning a hole in me, and I can tell her mind is going, wanting to question me about all of it. "Charlie's been talking a lot this week," she says. I'm happy that she changes the subject, but I can only imagine what Charlie has been talking to her about, since Chelsea and him are together. Or just sleeping together. Who the hell knows what their actual relationship is these days? "I don't think Harry has ever slept with Rachel."

My eyes shoot up to look at her. I instantly wish they hadn't, not wanting to make my interest on this topic noticeable. "What makes you think that?" I ask, reverting my attention to my backpack, pulling out one of my binders. Although Chelsea's blog has never indicated that Harry and Rachel have ever hooked up, Rachel doesn't have a blog, and her secrets could easily remain a secret, even from her best friend, especially knowing how secretive Harry is about sleeping with me.

"I don't think he's slept with any of the girls we thought he did," she continues. "Charlie knows a lot  because of Chelsea. He says Harry isn't a fuckboy and Rachel's been trying to get with him forever and it hasn't happened yet because Harry doesn't sleep around."

"Think he's telling the truth?" I ask.

"Charlie's a pretty reliable source, I think," she states. "—I like Harry, you know? I want to think he's better than someone who has meaningless sex. Charlie says that Harry's never left a party with any girl before, so I think he's telling the truth, which is good news. It makes me like him even more, ya know."

I know for a fact that he's left a party with a girl without people knowing, because he left one with me. It's possible he's done this secretly before, if he can get away with it, with me. But thinking there's a chance he's never slept with Rachel makes my insides feel like bursting with happiness. I'm not sure why I feel this way. And before I can even attempt to hide the smile that wants to appear on my face, it's gone with the confusion I feel towards it all.

"Also, I heard Niall is going to ask you to prom," she adds.

"Hey, I heard you wanted to talk to me." Harry and Niall appear out of nowhere, making us look up to see them standing before us. Harry is looking down at Maddy and with their sudden presence, I take this time to shove my binder back in my backpack, knowing it's a good time to leave.

"Yeah," Maddy says, standing up from the floor. "I wanted to ask you something."

"Okay, what's up?"

"Do you have a date for prom yet?" she asks. I knew she had been planning on asking him, I just didn't think she would do it right now. I feel myself stiffen as I stand, my eyes lock with Harry's, who looks over at me once Maddy's words are out of her mouth, before we both look back at Maddy, who's smiling uncomfortably, twirling her finger in the end of her hair.

"Uh—No, I don't have a date yet," he answers slowly. It's hard to decipher what he is thinking, as he clasps his hands behind his back and taps his toe into the floor a few times.

"Great," Maddy says. "I was thinking maybe we could go together? I think it would be fun, ya know."

Harry's eyes flick around between Maddy, Niall and I, before stopping to look at me. His dimples press into his cheeks as a devious smile forms on his face. "Ya know what would be fun?" he asks. "Why don't the four of us go together?"

I feel myself sink with his request, seeing that Niall's facial expression resembles Harry's. "I'm not going to prom. Sorry," I tell them, starting to walk away. Why do they have to involve me, when I clearly already said that I wasn't going? 

Nice one Harry. Asshole. 

Harry pulls me back by grabbing onto my hand. "Wait just a second," he says, making me look at him. "I wasn't planning on going to prom either, but I know Niall was planning on asking you." I look over at Niall who's shrugging his shoulders, a small smile on his face, nodding his head in agreement. "So, why don't you do your friend a solid and we'll all go together. Just friends, of course. Nothing serious. Like Maddy said, it might be fun?"

The look on Maddy's face implies she's not impressed. That it's clear to everyone standing here, that Harry will only go to prom with her if it's in a group setting and he's just trying to get out of saying no to her. Again, I sink knowing I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and there's no way of getting out of prom now, because Maddy will forever be disappointed with me if I'm the reason she doesn't get to go with Harry.

"I'm down for it, if you are," Niall says, keeping his eyes locked with mine. 

It might be a good way to stay off of Chelsea and Rachel's radar when it comes to Harry, if they know I've accepted a prom invite from Niall. Prom is the last place I want to go, but staying off their list is at the top of my priorities. Maybe this will do it.

"Fine," I finally answer, taking my hand out of Harry's. "I'll go, but I'm letting you know now that I'm probably going to be miserable the whole time."

"It'll be perfect then," Harry laughs. "You can be your normal melancholy self. It will be just like every other day for you."

**

I climb the ladder to my window, not wanting to go inside. The rage I felt inside of me over Harry's comment only grew on the walk home. I don't know why it made me so mad, but I thought I hid the fact that I was miserable better than I apparently do. Or maybe I'm mad because I'm now stuck going to prom with a boy who isn't Carter, with a group of people that will probably have people wondering what the hell is going on. I'm not sure. I just know that I'm mad.

I take in the silence as I step through the window and let out a sigh of relief. I know that the tranquility surrounding me won't last long and the usual fighting will occur at some point tonight and more than likely will start up soon. I decide to lay down on my bed and absorb the quietness before it's over and pray that the shouting won't even begin and hope the anger I'm feeling will subside.

Before I can even start to calm myself, I hear a knock and instantly shoot up from my bed, thinking Harry is knocking at my window. To my surprise, the window is empty, and only realize as I hear another knock, that it isn't coming from the window, but instead from my bedroom door. The panic I felt thinking Harry was here on a Thursday, dwindles, but flares up again, wondering who would be knocking.

"Jayde?" I hear from the hallway.

Dad?

What the fuck?

Dad hasn't knocked on my door since Grandma died and knowing he's wanting me to open it to him, has my mind going in a hundred different directions, thinking something horrible has happened and wondering who it happened to. I'm afraid to open the door, unsure what I'm opening it for, and even though my heart is instantly pounding, I know that I would die of curiosity if I didn't find out what he wanted. 

I make my way slowly to the door. I haven't seen Dad in months. I'm nervous. Scared. Having to listen to what goes on downstairs every time he's home, worries me to have to look him in the eyes right now. Just like I do with Mom, I avoid Dad at all costs, even more so than I do her. He's clearly an angry man, and I will do just about anything to not see him. But apparently there are days I don't have that option, and today looks to be one of those days.

Despite the fear I feel inside, I decide that even though curiosity usually kills the cat, I need to unlock the door, and maybe—just maybe, this will be a short lived conversation and I will be able to lock the door within minutes.

Here's to hoping.

A/N: Since I skipped out on writing a blog post in the last chapter, I added both in this one. Hope you don't mind! ☺☺ I love writing their blog posts so much! If I could, I'd just write a book full of their blogs! lol

Hope you enjoyed this one! Thoughts?

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