Trigger warning: lots of rambling nonsense about mental health. Kinda vague but just in case something is triggering I thought I'd put up a warning

Sure wish therapy was free or at least more accessible or something. I really just keep feeling myself slipping further and further and... Honestly there's so much. I don't know. It's so much and I am so so tired...

I don't want to be a victim anymore. Don't want anxiety or hurt or inability to speak and function. I just fucking want to live. Without depression and angst and every other stupid fucking thing that's happened in my life. It's not fair. And I don't care how childish that sounds. It's not fair and I hate it. I hate everything so much there's not enough room left to care about or love anything any more and I'm exhausted.

Really. I cry more than I laugh or smile. I used to enjoy everything so much. I used to love everything and now...

I randomly feel guilty without knowing why. I'm terrified whenever someone so much as knocks or rings the doorbell. I can't take a joke because I'm too god damn sensitive and I just can't fucking tell if people trying to be mean or if it's teasing. Reading is exhausting. Writing is such a chore. Shows and movies no longer give me the thrill they once did, it's so hard for me to find something I actively enjoy. With the exception of the good place I've not found anything remotely captivating to me in months. I've fallen in love with some old flames like supernatural but nothing really new.

Whenever I actually have a moment of relaxation I'm just thinking about all the stuff that bugs me about the past and all the things that upset me and make me so fucking mad...

And then I think I should just not be alive anymore. I don't really want to die for whatever bizarre selfish reason, I just think that I should not be alive because it's so fucking hard. I don't know. Maybe I'm just weak.

I'm very tired. Of being weak. Of not being good enough. Of being a god damn victim. It's not right, and it's not fair. I shouldn't have to fucking justify my exists or prove that I have a right to be me or fight someone else -- especially one of my parents -- on whether or not I know myself better than they do. I shouldn't have to be told "oh your in a mood so I'll just leave" every fucking time I defend myself. I shouldn't have to deal with any of this. It's not fucking fair.

Maybe I am weak because I can't handle it. Maybe I'm weak because I'm whining about it to a bunch of strangers on the Internet who are probably more inclined to roll their eyes at their screens, say "that's life honey." and scroll on by. And yeah. That's life. Doesn't make it right.

I know I can't be the only one out there feeling this way, and maybe that should give me some sort of hope, prove I'm not alone and all that shit... But it doesn't make me feel better. It just makes it worse. Because how fucked up is our world that so many people have to feel like this? I hate that. I hate the world. I hate so much it's physically draining and I don't know what to do. I really don't. I want to do my part to help fix it, bring some good into the world, use social media to fight injustice. I don't know. Something. Anything.

But I don't know what to do. It feels pointless and obsolete and I feel so stupid and weak when I see someone else fighting it because they're so much stronger and braver than I am because they're doing something. And I'm not. Because I'm pathetic. At least it feels that way. I just... I've been stumbling around for so long I forgot how to walk.

I am trying. Really, I am. I don't want to be this way any more. It fucking sucks, man. I hate it. I want to be better. I want...I don't know. I want to be love and to feel worthy of it, to be valid in every aspect and not have to fight to prove it. Maybe that's asking too much, but it really shouldn't be. 

And really better is kind of an objective word. What I really want is to be healed. I just want to heal, be happy, and get on with my life. But nothing works. And I know I need help. I should have been getting help a long time ago but... 🤷‍♀️ There are so many reasons why I can't seek professional help right now...  It's all I can do today to try my best, stride forward and keep pressing on like all is right in the world because really there's no other option. But it is absolutely exhausting.  I've already made that point a million times over. I know. I'm sorry. I'm just... Yeah...

Anyway, this made no sense but uh... That's my random stupid thoughts for tonight. It really sucks to be human but uh...maybe it'll get better? I don't know. See y'all around, I guess. Peace.

✌