A crazy-Legea canon trivia blitz.

Crazy Legea was deeper than the Mariana Trench. Hours of daily talkplay in a world of infinite fandom crossover, unlimited incarnations of each fandom, and very loosely defined laws of time and space will do that to you. It honestly blows my mind thinking how much of it there was — things we can't even remember now.

I wish I'd written more of it down at the time, so hey. Make hay with the hay you've still got while the sun shines on that hay.

CAPTAIN RHINEHART/NAZGUL #5

This man (er, Nazgul?) liked to perform unsolicited solo numbers at high-class opera houses. His voice was so ghastly that the first few notes typically incited a mass panic scramble for the exits. On one occasion, when he crashed a debut performer's opening song at Ceristen's celebrated "Singing House", the ensuing riot injured several, left most stranded on the roof, and the Witch King was called to intervene. (Because the obvious solution is not to contact emergency personnel and minor law enforcement, but the literal second-in-command of the country, as we know)

In canon, Rhinehart is charismatic, cold-blooded, and a natural performer with a flair for the dramatic (though it's never specified that he likes to sing or anything). Originally, he was a little more abrasive in personality and tended to annoy people straight out. However, his unshakeable good humor, which is irritating if you are in a bad humor, remains a carry-over.

Rhinehart's short-lived political coup occurs off-page in canon. Alluded to during The War, it was staged and collapsed some years prior. In crazy canon, it actually happened after The War and Jedediah Crayes and a thindran got involved. In fact, the whole town of Ceristen, being the only remaining 50 people in Orden who hadn't fallen under the Rule of the New Dark Lord Nazgul #5, banded together in some kind of heroic resistance and took him down with the assistance of turncoat Nazgul #2. Who really was a turncoat, considering...

CAPTAIN MURRAY/NAZGUL #2

Way ahead of the game. Politically savvy and charismatic, not above a bribe or some judiciously planted propaganda. Planned a coup well before the idea had crossed Nazgul #5's head. And would have executed it, if an unfortunately timed misspeak from one of his orcs hadn't prompted a rapid-fire investigation and laid the whole conspiracy bare.

Nazgul #2: *is wheeled into the hospital unconscious with a massive concussion, humorously reminiscent of a similar mishap that befell the Witch King some time prior*

Orc, probably with several press cameras trained on him: "Oh no! We'll never kill the Witch King now!"

*cue sensation*

The Witch King was still bedridden with aforementioned head injury at this time and newspapers flashed colorful and exaggerated reports of his outrage. Depending on which narrative you accept as fact, he may have blacked out in the middle of his indignant tirade.

However, it was undeniable that whatever the Witch King's initial reaction, he responded in official terms with unmitigated clemency. Or, maybe it would be better phrased that he didn't respond at all. Nazgul #2's title wasn't stripped. He wasn't even detained, much less jailed or put on trial. That would have 1) been far too logical and 2) broken up the sacred dynamic of Nazgul #2 and #3's rivalry. Boy oh boy, did Nazgul #3 get a kick out of seeing his enemy brought low.

CAPTAIN RHODES/NAZGUL #3

Something of a goody-two-shoes. Always has been. Always will be. You can't help looking good next to a traitor who couldn't even pull off his attempted insurrection.

Nazgul #3 gloated a lot in the wake of Nazgul #2's disgrace, considerably more than the Witch King, anyway, who was already morphing into his fatherly, overworked personality. Of course, as things died down, he kind of let the whole thing go. Or would have if Nazgul #2 hadn't kept bringing it up sourly.

"Bad little Nazgul #2. Nobody likes him. Probably going to murder all Mordor in their beds one of these days." The latter story and others like it were just part and parcel of the reputation Nazgul #2 had acquired in the papers, but in Mitheren — excuse me, Barad-Dur — everybody knew better. Nazgul #2 had been powerful in secrecy, but now exposed, he was thoroughly harmless, as long as you could remain immune to his mope, hang-dog attitude.

Nazgul #3, who could only take so much of the moping before his hackles started rising (like bro, you messed up, deal with it??): "SHUT UP!"

Nazgul #2, however, wasn't without his clandestine supporters.

CAPTAIN KEYES/NAZGUL #4

In canon, Captain Keyes and Captain Murray don't even share page time. In crazy canon, however, Nazgul #4 was Nazgul #2's right hand man. They even fell for the same girl at different times (and once the papers found out about it, Nazgul #2's "ill-fated love affair" was all over Mordor). #4 urged #2 to try for the throne again, although #2, who actually had turned over a new leaf of sorts and was starting to care about the Witch King who had shown him so much undeserved mercy, said no, that wasn't on the schedule for now.

Nazgul #4 was reported to have cried both when #2 was hauled in with a concussion and when he revived after a week-long coma. He was somewhat endearing as a villain-lieutenant figure and all the more so as a supportive, die-for-you loyal friend. However, Nazgul #2 persisted in seeing himself as a loner, and things really went from bad to worse when Rhinehart made his takeover move.

But, um, this necessitates a digression into the Ogres, slave trading, and the cellphone plot device.

MARIA OGRE/MOGRA

Maria Ogre no longer exists, per se. She was delightfully fun, though, as a foil for the two Nazguls vying for her affections. You see, while the Ogre family journeyed to Mordor, Maria (being Merry) became separated from the rest and lost in Fangorn. She most likely was accompanied by her sister Princess (Pippin), but Princess was so bland and forgettable as to be entirely nonessential to the ensuing tale.

Because who should come upon lost and harried Maria in the midst of this dreary forest but an actual Nazgul of Mordor!

(Mercy and I were just beginning to fully appreciate the irony of Nazguls being perceived as distinguished and dashing V.I.P.'s by the world at large)

Nazgul #2 was on his way to some political convention, tied into his plans for overthrowing the government, but when you see a fair maiden in distress, even the most jaded renegade is vulnerable to a moment of would-be heroism. Using his dragon as conveyance, he transported Maria safely to the edge of the forest and, frankly smitten in the hour they'd spent together, asked if she'd consider an engagement.

Maria, striking beauty of greenish-hazel eyes and lustrous ruddy curls, with a positively angelic complexion, told him to go take a hike (essentially).

Nazgul #4's tactics were a little less brazen and more socially normative, but still too hasty for Maria, who clearly wasn't interested in marital alliances with government officials. The rejected pair sulked and probably ate ice cream in solitude, chivalry and dashing V.I.P. reputations having failed them. They remained blissfully ignorant of the family members they should have been most concerned with this whole time.

GEORGE OGRE/MOGRA & SON

George Ogre is dead in canon. Good riddance. This guy started out as a loving if occasionally temperamental father, the "Gandalf" in the Ogre family. Mercy and I found him to be increasingly boring and fixed the problem by giving him a couple undercover gigs. First a largely implied black market association, likely involving alcohol. It transitioned quickly to slave trading.

The September following The War, in crazy canon, George Ogre and his youngest son Hezekiah kidnapped about 30% of Ceristen's inhabitants and shipped them off to some obscure, otherwise self-sustaining colony that happened to want slaves. The bereaved family members wasted no time in calling up their government connections, and it wasn't long before a rescue party comprised of the General, Captain #2, and Captain #3 was flying downriver in hot pursuit of these manstealers and their cargo.

However, this wasn't destined to be an easy hunt. And apparently the General could no longer shelve everything, even to help Ceristen People. So after a day or two of scant results he turned back, committing responsibility of the search into the hands of the two young rivals. What could go wrong.

Well, initially, aside from the inevitable arguments and sulks, not much. They got as far as the site of the colony — which had unfortunately, in the time it took them to discover it, sustained a massive earthquake and subsequent fires, leaving it largely inhospitable. The survivors, slaves and all, had packed up and hied off further down the Dirion River on rafts in search of a new abode. Captains #2 and #3, applying their deduction skills and probably disagreeing in several particulars, took off after them once more.

Then, Captain #3 got a phone call. The General needed him back at Mitheren. Captain #3 could not have been happier to say goodbye to his morose traveling companion, though he cared more about the Ceristen People than Captain #2 did and was perhaps a little concerned about leaving the search wholly in his hands. Captain #2, a disaster of confused feelings and motives — jealousy, self-hate, stupidly loyal but refusing to believe it, lingering nostalgia for his old visions of takeover — resented the implication.

Meanwhile, several hundred miles downriver...

Chief among the locals of the now-defunct slave trading colony had been Grimsley Sedgley, father of Bardrick, Marcus, Fiona, et al. (see chapter Behind the Scenes: The People Who Don't (Officially) Exist). While he'd been a little nonplussed to discover one of his children among the slaves imported from Orden, seeing as they had mutually rejected one another some months prior, there wasn't much love lost on either side; he was more concerned with his mission to turn Mordred Kenhelm into a docile and submissive house slave. Yes, you might have as good luck getting the sun to rise from the west. As he sailed the waters on a dinky raft with all his worldly goods — plus some extra survival items that his (very docile) valet had pulled from a magical knapsack — Mordred's smug and idiotic stubbornness worsened his generally ill temper. Flying vases and dishes was not an uncommon occurrence in the cabin of aforesaid dinky raft.

But he wasn't too berserk, when in the midst of a rainstorm an injured Ordenian dragon complete with V.I.P. rider crash-landed on his deck, to steer the situation to his advantage.

Asked no questions, pulled no punches. Instructed his valet to doctor up the dragon (probably planned to sell it later). Confiscated Captain #2's cellphone and tossed it overboard. Hello, Captain #2, you're now Slave #18. Just a minor demotion.

R.I.P. Operation Ceristen People Rescue.

Captain #2, needless to say, had never been in quite such a weird situation. I mean, in Mitheren he was at the bottom of the pecking order (despite official title of #2). And he made sure to remind everyone of it, too. "Bad Captain #2, yes, nobody likes him." (He'd've made a fabulous Gollum, wouldn't he?) But this was on a whole different level from Mitheren. Actual physical restraint, deprivation, and occasionally abuse. But perhaps most unusual, he wasn't alone at the bottom of the pecking order.

Well, he tried to distance himself and sulk like the broody grump he was, but...

1) nobody could be bothered to pay attention to the sullen muttering stunt.

2) he certainly wasn't about to pull it in front of Grimsley. Unlike Mordred, who got special delight out of flaunting his master's authority, all Captain #2 wanted was to stay under the radar of this violent-tempered man.

3) Mordred, whose compassion manifested in crazy canon as a practically obsessive interference in others' lives, would not leave him alone.

And 4) he was finding himself in something of a pickle. As morally degenerate as he wanted to believe himself to be, he kept seeing people hurt. He was really getting the bottom-of-the-barrel perspective. And curse himself for ten kinds of fools... he wanted to help.

Grimsley pulled his raft ashore and set up camp in a seaside town about as dinky as the raft. He casually overthrew the governor and claimed the palace as his own apartments. Mordred continued being an idiot 24/7. Captain #2 watched the other slaves care for each other, and somehow love and kindness looked a lot more attractive than mere validation and acceptance, but the better it looked, the worse he saw in himself. He had tried to kill his General and his king. He had pushed away everyone who tried to help him. He'd yelled at people and fought over stupid things. He kind of hated everybody. While he'd recognized the moral problem of these things before, they hadn't hit him as hard because he hadn't witnessed their antithesis, real love, in action. Now that he did, he reacted with a kind of despairing fatalism. It would be blissful to be part of that supportive circle. So blissful, it was clearly out of the question. Happiness and love were not meant for him.

That didn't stop him from finally stepping in to rescue a battered Mordred from one of Grimsley's rages. I remembered this exchange last night after COMPLETELY forgetting it existed and died laughing.

Grimsley, surrounded by broken china, visibly confused: "What are you doing?"

Captain #2, in the doorway, arms folded: "I haven't decided yet."

glorious xDDD I'm sorry I'm cracking up again y'all have to deal xDDD abSOLUTELY GLORIOUS

I love both versions of Captain Murray/#2 but right now this particular messed up grumpy boi takes the cake. What an absolute stupid loyal bean.

After that incident, Mordred of course was more determined to be Captain #2's buddy than ever. Captain #2, persisting in believing himself beyond redemption, responded finally to Mordred's persistent questions with the blunt response: he was too bad. Nobody could like him. Nobody should like him. He was doomed to eternal wickedness and attempting to mend his ways would be as fortuitous as trying to change the tide.

Mordred energetically and passionately hacked apart all his arguments. Whatever anyone else thought, Mordred liked him and no huffing, puffing, or nay-saying could stop him from being Captain #2's friend. Mordred wasn't so great himself — look at his history with Inspector Dickson! Captain #2 had already proven he had the capacity to put others before himself, standing up on Mordred's behalf. And while the theory of being irredeemable looked nice and tidy, if Captain #2 really thought he could just keep on hurting people when he had seen how wrong it was, his perspective was still way off. No, you had to at least try. It didn't matter if things were rocky and inconsistent. It didn't even matter whether people were willing to be friends with him or not (though Mordred was certainly planning to give them the evil eye if they didn't). The important thing was to be going in the right direction.

One heart-to-heart talk and philosophical argument later, Captain #2's future was looking somewhat brighter. Yes, he was still grouchy. Yes, his resting expression could still curdle milk (he's born with that one, can't help it). But he'd made up his mind. Mordred was right. He had a course to walk and he meant to walk it.

So, Jedediah Crayes and Irene came in on a flying boat to save the day, and all the Ceristen People, plus one reformed traitor Captain, headed back to Orden... where they found to their dismay that Captain #5 had redecorated Mitheren's throne room, locked the other Captains, General, and royal family in the dungeons, and crowned his dear little self king.

Said Jeddy, I have a plan.

And so it came about that Captain #2 went walking straight into Mitheren to tell Captain #5 with a straight face that he had no interest in joining those losers in the dungeons, and would much prefer to throw in his lot where the grass was green.

Captain #3, languishing in a cell with Captain #4, went absolutely livid with rage. Captain #4 felt horrified, but couldn't quite believe that Captain #2 had given up on him that easy.

Captain #5, of course, who valued Captain #2's military leadership skills and thought it a great joke to employ the "has-been" failed traitor in his own little takeover, was delighted.

Captain #2 himself would have preferred to walk barefoot into a nest of scorpions.

It really was a perfect plant. Nobody questioned him joining up with the new power; what else could you expect from the former traitor? Nobody questioned if he was sour and out of sorts, because that was normal Captain #2. Certainly nobody in the tower would have suspected him of corresponding with Jedediah Crayes. And the man who had just renounced his "so I'm the bad guy" image somehow managed to stomach several weeks of being the very literal bad guy to everyone who saw him.

Captain #3, filled with great bitterness against his rival, decided to "set Captain #2 up". He schemed up a plan with Captain #4 to make Captain #2 look like a liar and hopefully get in trouble with Captain #5.

The only problem was, when Captain #2 overheard "escape plans" and "digging a tunnel" being discussed, he didn't tell Captain #5. And when someone else who'd overheard it played informant instead, Captain #2 actually got in trouble for refusing to speak up despite having been in the vicinity at the time.

Captain #4 was overcome with remorse, and apologized to his friend as soon as all was restored to rights and Captain #5 packed off to the dungeons in his turn. Captain #3, however, took a considerably longer time wrestling with his guilty feelings (it comes awkward when you're used to being the good guy) and lingering resentment. For his part, Captain #2 just avoided Captain #3 in general. It was quite some time before they faced their differences, bound up old wounds, and became the long-lasting friends they were meant to be.

GENERAL DEREK WINSTON/THE WITCH KING

Just picture for a moment a fully armored and mailed Nazgul walking into a cheerful, firelit schoolhouse. The benches are arranged in a circle and the desks pushed to the back as men and women busily husk corn. Outside, an unexpected and early blizzard blows snow across a night sky.

That's what happened the night the Witch King met his future bride.

Well, technically, he'd "met" her a few days earlier — he'd been riding up Mount Thiranu and nearly run her down when she came around the bend right under his horse's hooves. (Huh... Jane Eyre vibes much??) Of course, he'd been more focused on apologizing then.

When he conveniently ended up at the husking bee because of the unseasonal blizzard and conveniently sat next to this same girl and conveniently got a red ear, obviously there was nothing to do but kiss her.

Don't ask me how a faceless, presumably lipless Nazgul kisses anyone. Ours not to reason why, ours but to observe and learn a valuable lesson about how Ceristen romances are conducted.

Because this woman was the sister of Lethira Ferguson, the Witch King/General became Mordred's brother-in-law by marriage. You can see why we cut this out eventually.

The General made a kind of dumb husband anyway. I wouldn't have wanted to be married to him. He needs to stick to mentorships.

Engagements... Engagements Everywhere. Somehow.

It would probably not be stretching it to say that someone got affianced every fortnight in Ceristen. There was Alicia Hawke, who captivated Edmund Thatcher with her tragic backstory of discovering that her adoptive father was in some kind of mafia gang. There was Molly Bakin, whom Gaius Hawke was attracted to for her shy and sweet nature, but who also happened to be very well off and the rumor got around to Molly's ears that he was marrying her for *gasp* money. There was Legolas Grey and Eva Hamlet, whose teenage infatuation led to a passionate kiss under the moon at one schoolhouse party the night before Legolas had to leave for college. Mordred, out for a breath of fresh air, witnessed the tearful embracing, raised an eyebrow, and hurriedly took himself elsewhere.

There was McKay, Lethira's doctor brother, whose workaholic lifestyle led him to believe that he'd be better off not marrying the woman of his dreams (I swear, she deserved infinitely better). Nosy Mordred, seeing tension in the relationship, locked them in a room and suggested they should open up to each other. This didn't go off well with him third-wheeling in the vicinity, so he escorted Madeleine out, locked himself in with McKay, and yelled at McKay to marry her. Apparently all his actual counseling skills had been expended on Captain #2.

Oh, and we can't forget Grant Eagle, who in crazy canon had a whole family still alive and kicking. He fell for Parthenia King and broke his leg searching for her younger brother Grosvenor when Grosvenor decided his family didn't love him and struck out for the wilds of Thiranu.

Benevuto King (later Braegon) fell in love with Eva Hamlet's younger and less flighty sister Evelyn (technically, they were identical twins). She thought his limp from his war wound was heroic and swoon-worthy, but for some reason even this sweet setup could not escape angst, and Benevuto therefore angsted for days before believing that Evelyn would love him "even" with a limp.

For the record, Braegon's wife in canon is still Evelyn in personality and appearance, though I named her Eva.

Eckhard Eagle danced once or twice with Mara Hamlet and couldn't get her "Egyptian beauty" out of his head.

Jared systematically eliminated all the girls in Ceristen whom he couldn't court and decided that since Cecelia Thorne had showed an interest in him, he might as well pursue her. This was convenient for Cecelia.

Rebecca Hamlet kept house for Bardrick Sedgley (who at the time lived alone even though two other siblings of his also lived in Ceristen) and when gossip started to circulate about her relationship to him they had an angry, emotional conversation in which both parties admitted to feeling attraction and agreed to get married to shut everyone up.

I'm having a hard time remembering who Larena Eagle married, but I think it was Stanmore Hamlet. They had zero angst and zero chemistry. Stanmore came to "call" and eventually during one of his calls he proposed marriage in a business-like manner. Larena accepted, as she felt no reason to do otherwise. They packed up several months later and left in a covered wagon for the famed "prospects" in the north of Orden.

The Story of Isabelle Thorne

Once upon a time, in crazy canon, Mercy and I decided to frame some more people for murder. As you do. Well, we were framing Fred for the third time. And Fenris for the second time. Nobody new, really. Inspector Dickson had just left in a covered wagon like Stanmore and Larena, so when someone got stabbed in the woods of Thiranu, Ceristen had to haul up an Inspector Jennings from the sophisticated, debonair south of Orden.

The basic plot was obnoxious and nothing more than a self-indulgent repeat, but the trimmings were delightful. We got citified culture interacting with backwoods culture. We got Jeddy getting angry for bad reasons and scaring/thrilling us because we realized we had created a consistent character that was now behaving irrationally. HYPNOSIS! (our default answer for everything) And we got the true shining strand in the dingy tapestry of this talkplay... the police constable, or junior detective, or whoever it was Jennings had hauled up from the south with him.

I can't remember his name, I regret to say. But his casual remark of needing a glass of wine electrified Fred's teetotaler sister, Isabelle. Needless to say, her first impression of him was not favorably formed.

When he got shot in the midst of the murder case, Isabelle, who happened to work as a hospital nurse, saw him several more times and lectured him most severely on the evils of drink. The fellow, a little annoyed and a little amused, accepted her as a perplexing and harmless curiosity, attempting several times to explain that he was not an immoral wastrel, nor in the habit of drinking heavily, but Isabelle's good opinion, once lost, was evidently lost forever. They parted ways arguing.

Now, for the duration of the case, this guy's sights had been set on Lianne Earle, whose erratic ways were generously offset by stunning green eyes and a river of golden hair. However, she had no interest in him. When, returning to Ceristen a month afterwards, his engagement proposal failed and he admitted defeat, Isabelle Thorne was waiting in the wings with her tongue of censure and endearing righteous fire. The fact was, he found her stubborn dedication admirable. And when they bumped into each other by happenstance, the intervening time had matured perspectives, softened their animosity to a more good-natured sparring. Within the year, Isabelle Thorne was married to the "immoral southerner".

Naeoup...

Regrettably, no treatment of crazy canon would be complete without Pip Earle, one of Ceristen's fixtures who passed in and out of notice like the train drivers. Pip, or Philippe-Pierre Augustine, started out as a pleasant boy of 14, pleasant and all too boring. We spiced him up by making him say things in odd tones of voice, generally responding to questions with a drawn-out "nope". Evidently this "nope" was copyrighted, because if anyone tried to imitate it, he threw them in the lake.

We eventually bored ourselves so much, in turn, with this version, that we made Pip have been stuck under a curse by an evil wizard who apparently liked to experiment on boys by turning them mildly insane. This same evil wizard kept soldiers from the Leader's regime in his employ, captured Mordred for reasons I've forgotten, and tortured him before pulling him around in a sleigh for reasons I've also forgotten.

Epidemic!

The epidemic was an unfortunate episode in which (of course) nobody died, but several people came uncomfortably close. None of its immediate results were at all desirable; the doctor (who never actually caught it) exhausted himself caring for everyone, Mordred became a basket case due to worrying over Fenris, and Fenris whined as he got better about how weak and helpless he was and what a pathetic person he was and how Petrona (his fiance) shouldn't marry him (the emotional manipulation this kid pulled dudeeeeeee).

Two Sisters, Two Captains

One day Captain Rhodes was out riding. He was in a very unhappy temper, and very much distracted. When he nearly ran over a fair maid who had been innocently walking down the road (no secret here about what tropes we enjoyed), he was not altogether gracious in his apology and hinted that she should have been paying attention to where she was going. She was very cold and distant, and as they parted he felt doubly wretched for losing his temper at her (but not wretched enough to go make amends).

Upon heading home, he recounted his story to the General in search of sympathy. The General, whose intuition meter was evidently way off the mark that day, responded in fatherly jest, "When I almost ran into a girl with my horse I ended up married to her, you better watch out, dur-hur-hur-hur-hur"

Captain Rhodes was outraged, but he did end up married to her. "Her" being Thalia Hawke, whom I assumed would make it into canon, but whom I completely dropped while writing Sorrow and Song because I just didn't feel like juggling her into the siege of Orden City.

Thalia had a sister named Heidi. Heidi had been separated from her family for a good chunk of her life, and had had a brief engagement to a man who left her before their wedding day. She was bitter and jaded, and eventually found Ceristen too happy and humdrum and went to secure a job as a cleaning lady at Mitheren instead.

The General: "everyone, meet our new cleaning lady!!"

The Captains, unsure why their own job cleaning their rooms wasn't good enough: *suspicion*

Heidi clashed with more than one person in the next few weeks.

Captain #2 was initially the most adamant against the need for Heidi to be employed. Oddly enough, though, they were the first to bond. Or maybe not so oddly. They were both cynical, pragmatic people who felt misunderstood by most of the people around them. When Heidi expressed an interest in seeing how dragons were trained, Captain #2 took her out every morning to the runs. It became a common sight to see them working together there, and excuse me while I aww eternally because this is still one of my favorite ships and while circumstances varied slightly, the dynamic is very much the same in canon.

***

This was not originally supposed to be so focused on the Captains, and I planned to add more to balance that material out, but it's been in progress for a while, it's almost 4 a.m., I can't actually think of anything rn, and the part is almost 5k words long. So. Time for a new project! Tell me what your favorite part of this behind-the-scenes chapter was, if you had one.

Also, how confusing were my switches between "Nazgul" and "Captain"? I was basically trying to stick with whatever we had called them at the time of the specific talkplay XD ah, complications.