Not Home

January-

Jessica was in the living room curled up in a blanket watching tv. Over the last few weeks Jessica was taking small steps. One being staying out of bed during the day.

After the holidays things calmed down. But of course, things were still not 'normal' and had 'calmed down' for her. She was still the same ever since losing Danny. Some days she'd feel like she was making progress, but really she wasn't. Dorthy and her family were still heavily concerned for Jessica, but she pushed them away whenever they tried to help her. She just wanted to take things and do everything at her own pace.

She had been through a devastating loss before. Maybe her way of grieving wasn't ideal, but she wanted to do things her way like last time. Her way was being alone.

As weeks went by Jessica had been missing lots of work. She had someone filling in for her, but once and a while co-workers would email her letting her know what's going on. Most of the time it wasn't doing well. Her department wasn't at its best now that she isn't there.

Jessica was very tempted to go back to New York. She really wanted to leave Minnesota. But, her leaving would cause some conflict. Her mother wouldn't want her to. Every time she brought it up Dorthy's attitude had changed.

Dorthy didn't want Jessica away. When Albert died she ran off and didn't come home for months. That time Jessica was gone was hardest for her because she worried for her so much. Her reasoning may be selfish, but she couldn't handle thinking about Jessica being alone at a time like this.

While Jessica was cuddle up in the blanket Dorthy had let herself in. Jessica became irritated when her mother just walked in on her, not bothering to knock. Everyone did it. She hated it. But Jessica couldn't say anything to her mother. She came with loads of groceries. She hoped that maybe Jessica would eat.

"Hello, darling. I have all your favorites. Chicken, pasta salad, oranges, Cheerios, oh and I snuck in some chips for you." She says placing the bags on the counter.

Jessica follows her into the kitchen and sits on the island chair, watching her mother.

"Thanks, but you didn't have to."

"I did... everything is empty in here." Dorthy says opening the empty fridge

Jessica sighs

Over the last few days she had been contemplating going back to New York. It had been on her mind. In Jessica's eyes New York was Home. Jessica wanted to go home and enjoy her own solitude away from all the craziness in Minnesota. Before Jessica left she'd have to face her mother. That would be the hardest.

Dorthy noticed Jessica pondering. She stopped what she was doing and walked over to her.

"What's on your mind?" Dorthy asks

Jessica looks at her mother then begins to twiddle her thumbs.

"I'm planning on going back to New York..."

Dorthy sets everything down and stares into her daughters eyes.

"When?"

"Before the month is over..."

"That soon?" She widens her eyes and quickly becomes concerned.

"Yes, That soon. I think it will be good for me to go back home. I need to. Maybe work will get my mind off everything."

"Don't be silly. You need to be home." She says shaking her head

"This isn't home..." She mumbles

"But Jessica, Minnesota is your home... your family is here-"

Jessica clenches her fist and becomes agitated.

"No, this is not my home. My home is in New York." She snaps

Dorthy shakes her head.

"It isn't a good idea, Jessica. I don't want you alone out there."

"I've lived there for how many years now? I'll be fine. I'm not asking for your permission. I'm an adult. I'm telling you that I'm leaving, soon."

Dorthy rubs her temples and turns away from Jessica.

"I'm not helpless, mother. Being here, people treat me like I'm a hurt puppy. Everyone comes when they please and I'm tired of it. I miss New York! I'm tired of all this!" Jessica wasn't sure what "this" was, but she was just tired of it. The sadness, constant reminders and apologies, the way everyone is so fake.

"Then go, Jessica! Go home and be all alone! If that's what you want then I won't stop you! It won't help you at all being there. You're tired of it here... go back and see." She hisses

"And here we are, back to square one. You, trying to stop me from doing what I want. You're holding me back, again. Why is that? Why do you always do this?"

Dorthy didn't want to argue. She just ignored Jessica and went on putting the groceries away. Jessica became frustrated so she stormed off and went upstairs.

When she was gone Dorthy began to cry. Right now reminded Dorthy so much of Jessica when Albert died. She wasn't the same, happy, Jessica. She was angry, irritable, and snippy. Dorthy hated seeing her daughter like this... it was a lot to handle. She didn't want to see Jessica go, not yet.

//-//

A week later-

Jessica only spoke to her mother once after their falling out. Their relationship was going through a rocky road. But that's how all of Jessica's relationships were at the moment. She wasn't pleasant to be around. Everyone was on their toes when they were around her, hoping not to say something wrong... but they understood... they knew it would pass.

Jessica let her family know she was leaving. Most of them were against the idea. They all felt more comfortable with her staying near so they could check up on her to make sure she was okay. But, they let her do what she wanted because it was a battle they'd never win.

When Jessica called her mother to tell her she was leaving, she was very unhappy. Jessica knew that, but didn't let it stop her.

Before she left, one day her sisters took her to lunch and said their goodbyes. Another day Jessica spent the day with Danny's family saying goodbye. But there wasn't a day when she said goodbye to Dorthy. She was angry with her mother, but she didn't have a good enough reason to be. All her mother was trying to do was look after her. Jessica just needed someone to be angry with.

Jessica cleaned up the lake house. She put all of the personal belongings back into the attic. Then, she called her realtor to get everything organized for new renters.

On her last day in town she spent it with Sarah. Things were better with them. Still, the past was not brought up. There was no need for it to be. Sarah was taking Jessica to the airport. They spent the day having lunch then when the time was close sarah dropped her off.

"Take care, Okay? Call me so I know that you're okay." Sarah says sternly

Jessica set her single bag down, she hadn't had much, then hugged Sarah goodbye.

"I'll be okay."

"And Listen, if you don't want to, don't rush into anything, like going back to work. Take it at your own pace."

Jessica nods "I know.... thank you, for everything. These last few months have been tough. I don't know what I'd do without you." Jessica begins to tear up. Sarah holds Jessica in her arms and cries along with her.

"You're my best friend, Jessica. I love you and I'd do anything for you. Whenever you need me, call me."

"I will..."

They wipe their tears then look at the time.

"I should go..."

"Have a safe flight." Sarah says

"I will... thanks again."

"Anytime... stay strong, girl."

Jessica picks up her bag and walks to the doors. She waves goodbye then walks into the airport.

Sarah sighs... seeing Jessica Go was hard. Not only for her, but everyone. They didn't know when they'd see her again. Jessica, she was known for running off when times got tough. They were afraid it would all happen again..

//-//

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