Relax, it’s not about YOU

Have you ever felt…

Horrified as you saw your man sneaking an admiring glance at another woman strolling past your café table?

Furious when you caught your boyfriend watching porn when he thought he was all alone? Why would he do that when he has a living breathing woman – YOU – to be with!?

Afraid that your new man will cheat on you. Especially if you’ve been cheated on before?

Let me reassure you, the fact that men look at other women has NOTHING to do with you. You’re not lacking anything. He doesn’t want her instead of you & it doesn’t mean he is going to cheat on you the second you leave them alone together.

There’s nothing wrong with you!

The reason men stare at an attractive woman is because it’s in our biological programming thanks to testosterone… & ogling a woman has ZERO influence on whether we actually cheat or not.

Testosterone is powerful, & ALL men are along for the ride…

As a man, I can tell you that our brains & bodies are swimming in testosterone, which affects our physical bodies & our mental urges.  This is something we literally can’t help. We’re at the poor MERCY of this powerful hormone.

Sure, sometimes it’s doing innocent stuff like lowering our voices, or making us grow chest hair (& muscles!), but the rest of the time, it’s waging a tireless battle to get us to make babies. It’s the hormone that makes men (& women) want to have sex & keep the human race going.

It’s also the hormone that makes YOU magnetically attracted to us (especially when you’re ovulating, by the way).

It’s the reason we stand strongly, proudly, & confidently. It’s behind the competitive nature & “provider drive” of your man. & … as annoying as it is to admit … testosterone is also the dick’s navigation system.

& that really is the way you should think about it. Men can’t help it when they’re attracted to a woman. Sexual attraction & physical impulse are involuntary thanks to… science.

If you could put yourself in a man’s body for one day—just a day—you would be amazed at how many times your eyes are drawn to women’s breasts. You’d be overwhelmed by how often you have to stand behind a counter to conceal an ill-timed erection. A man can’t control the compulsion to look at a sexy woman.

Here’s why:

Evolutionarily speaking, eyeballs are the receptors that gather information for our body & brain to determine:

“Do I want that?”

“Can it hurt me?”

“Can I have sex with it?”

That’s the job of the eyeballs. They are going to look at stuff.

Now, while testosterone is the brain’s navigation system, it’s not fully in charge. Men are sentient beings. So, yeah, he might glance at other women. He can’t control that. What he can control is whether he ogles, catcalls, & makes an ass of himself. Testosterone is NOT a get out of jail free card for behaving like a jerk. & it absolutely does NOT make cheating OK.

Unless he’s on some drug that has his testosterone levels on complete overdrive, he can definitely control his actions when it comes to those urges & impulses.

So while testosterone is a navigator, the brain & moral center steer the ship. You can get mad, wish, & pray that he doesn’t look at other women’s boobs or think about having sex with them, but it’s more productive to accept the biological reality of it & move on. It’s not about you.

Urges = can't control
Actions = can control

How can you use his Testosterone to your advantage?

Use Testosterone Telepathy!

You need to connect directly to his testosterone-drenched mind & use it for your own benefit.

Remember, testosterone is responsible for a whole lot of who he is.

Your attraction to him, his leadership, confidence, & willingness to assert himself are all navigated by testosterone. Amplify these strengths & you can redirect that energy back to YOU.

Validate his navigator (the testosterone & masculine qualities) & simultaneously create an imprint with the captain of the ship – his brain.

YOU are the person giving positive reinforcement to that chemistry experiment in his head. Nurture this strategy & he will be soft, sticky, gelatinous, putty in your hands. Do this, & he will worship you.

Here is how you can validate his navigation system & simultaneously imprint YOU as the kick ass feminine force in his life.

Sexual Validation: If/when you see your man notice another woman, have some empathy for his poor brain. Acknowledge it, but don’t get mad. Have fun with it.

“Wow, she is hot. I think my boobs are bigger than hers, though.” “Nice ass, too.”
or…
“I know, there’s some serious eye candy around here, right?”

See, you just gracefully showed him you can roll with it. You displayed a cool confidence – & reminded him that you’re the hottest thing on two feet in this town.

If you really feel like he is pushing your limits – that his wandering gaze is testing your boundaries, say something (calmly) that you honestly FEEL, like “It makes me feel upset when I see you staring at other women. Could you please try to not do that when we’re out together?”

Provider Drive Validation: When he struggles with financial or control issues in the workplace, remind him of how much you appreciate his hard work & effort. Even if you make more money than him, it’s important to validate his efforts to provide for you.

Protector Validation: Men are wired to procreate & protect. Whenever you can, acknowledge the things he does right. Even if he gets things wrong most of the time, talk about the 1% that he did well. Does he take care of the house when stuff breaks? Does he excel at his job? Does he help the kids with homework? Does he massage your feet after you’ve had a long day?

Let him know & you’ll be speaking directly to his testosterone.

Let’s Talk about Cheating

I get asked a lot:

“How can I stop a guy from cheating on me?”

“How can I tell if a guy will cheat on me?”

These aren’t questions with simple answers, so let’s talk about what we’ve learned so far:

First, I mentioned that just because testosterone makes a guy is attracted to other women, or occasionally looks at porn with bimbos that look nothing like you (how DO they walk in those heels anyway?), it doesn’t necessarily mean he wants to cheat.

Why Men Actually Cheat:

 They have crappy impulse control & are selfish: These guys prioritize their own needs above yours & do whatever they want without regard for how it impacts other people. These assholes should come with a warning tag – & in a way, they DO!  You’ll see this behavior in many other things he does as well.

He’s not getting his needs met (& you don’t seem to care): To be fair, this is a reason both men & women cheat. They feel disconnected from their partner – a partner who doesn’t seem concerned to try & work to fix it. Over time, they might find someone who makes them feel special (feeds his “Provider Drive” etc) & might drift that way. Don’t worry. This entire course is filled to the brim with ideas how to stop that.

He’s insanely insecure & seeks affirmation from female attention: Look, every guy wants to feel attractive. Scratch that… every HUMAN wants to feel attractive & desired. But remember how I said men attach a ridiculous amount of importance to getting women to want them? It validates us. Some guys have a compulsive need to seek validation of women through sex. This is NOT your fault. & if you sense this is happening, it probably isn’t about YOU at all. It’s about the void he feels & his compulsive need to fix it. He should get therapy, & that’s outside the scope of this program.

If you date a super competitive guy, he may have super high testosterone, & those guys are more likely to cheat: My friend confided in me that they felt compulsively attracted to typical ‘manly’ men, & it was ruining their life. They couldn’t help themself – if a man with a strong jawline, chiseled chest & powerfully confident attitude entered the room, they was impulsively & irresistibly drawn to him.

The problem was that every single man they’d ever dated had ended up cheating on them. They were desperate to start a family with a loyal (& still manly) guy, but they felt torn & confused about the kind of men they was attracted to.

Here’s a proverb I just made up: “Bad boys are a snack… not a healthy meal”

They are delicious as a “sometimes food” but you really can’t sustain yourself that way. “Bad Boys” may seem exciting, but it often comes with some side effects

Now there’s no way you’re bringing a blood test kit on a first date, so just watch out for uber-competitive guys that have a tendency to want to “win at all costs.” That can mean collecting women like trophies. This desire, combined with the other reasons above are a RED FLAG for a serial cheater.