We’ve dived into the difference between limerence & real love (hint: one’s driven by hormones & dissolves within months; the other can last a lifetime), but the truth is, knowing something ‘intellectually’ isn’t the same as acting in your own best interests.

It’s super easy to become dazzled by somebody who isn’t actually RIGHT for you – at the start of a relationship, all that ‘new relationship energy’, limerence, hormones, & the sheer lusty excitement of having a brand-new, shiny, sparkly, interesting partner to play with can easily turn your head … then before you know it, three years have gone by & you’ve spent them with someone who’s clearly wrong for you.

That’s where this short quiz comes in. Before you even THINK about diving into a committed or exclusive relationship with a guy, I want you to fill out this short quiz. & be brutal: the only person reading these answers is you, so let ‘er rip.

1 – Respect

You’ve noticed him acting disrespectful/bored when you’re talking more than once: checks his phone, fidgets distractingly, starts looking around the room, interrupts you. Y/N

He asks you questions about yourself. Y/N

He listens to your answers when he asks you questions. Y/N

He will sometimes/often ask follow-up questions that show he’s really interested in you. Y/N

If you’ve introduced him to your friends, they like the way he treats you. Y/N

When he says he’s going to meet you somewhere or DO something, he usually DOES it. Y/N

There are things about him that you legitimately admire & look up to (not just his sex appeal/how hot he is/his big expensive yacht that he takes you boating on.) Y/N

2 – Security

He’s introduced you to his friends. Y/N

He’s introduced you to his CLOSE friends &/or family. Y/N

He posts pics of you on FB &/or uses your name in his posts. Y/N

He WANTS to meet your mom & friends (& if he’s already done so, he was HAPPY to meet them & behaved in a way that made you feel comfortable.) Y/N

3 – He Helps You

He physically does stuff to improve your life – moving your furniture to a new apartment, building you bookshelves out of cinderblocks & planks, driving you to the urgent-care clinic when you get a kidney infection, telling the pushy misogynist salesman to beat it, mowing your lawn. Y/N

He comes with you for boring stuff because he WANTS to spend time with you – accompanying you on dog walks, helping you put up flyers for your missing cat, coming along to the garden center on Sunday afternoons while you pick out begonias for your yard. Y/N

When you’ve had a crappy day, he’s willing to listen to you. He doesn’t try to tell you that your being “sensitive” or “it’s all in your head.” Y/N

4 – Money

He is solvent – lives within his means. Eg: doesn’t put stupid stuff like new stereo equipment or scuba-diving gear on his credit card that he can’t afford. He isn’t afraid to answer the phone in case it’s the debt collectors. Y/N

He is debt-free (& if he has debt, he’s taking active steps to reduce it.) Y/N

He doesn’t ask to borrow money from you. Y/N

If he found a wallet with $500 cash inside it, do you think he’d hand it in to the relevant authorities? (Store security, local police department, take it to the address listed on the ID.) Y/N

5 – Random Important Stuff

You have at least one interest that you share & like to do together outside of sex. Y/N

You feel like you can trust him (no weird internal doubts, no ‘gut-level’ worries or wonderings, you don’t feel like he’s hiding anything big from you.) Y/N.

He likes it that you spend time with your friends/family/other people & interests outside of him. Y/N

You tend to see eye to eye on big goals like whether you want children, how to spend money, & whether it’s a good idea for you both to quit your jobs & spend next year backpacking around Eastern Europe. Y/N

Your gut feeling about him is that he’s a man of integrity. Y/N

YOUR RESULTS

The more ‘yeses’ you answered, the better this guy is.

He doesn’t have to be perfect (none of us are – myself included) … but these are the FOUNDATIONAL ELEMENTS of a solid relationship. So, again, he doesn’t have to get 100% – however, anything more than one or, at the most two, ‘noes’ means you must proceed with extreme caution. My personal recommendation? Two or more ‘noes’ means it’s time for you to reconsider whether you actually want this guy in your life.