Self-harm TW

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 I locked myself in my bathroom again, feeling even sadder than I did before. What do muggles do when they're all sad and depressed? I know they drink...some of them do drugs...there's always the whole cutting myself idea.  I sighed in frustration and drug the pin across my skin again, but it didn't have the effect I wanted. Sure it drew blood, but I can take a slight stinging sensation. I put my arm behind my back and snuck through the halls until I found Bella's room. I know she has a dagger hidden somewhere. I opened the door and slunk in, making sure she was sleeping heavily before I rummaged through her things. I looked through her closet and trunk before moving over to the bed. I saw something shiny glint from under her pillow. I gently reached my hand under and brought out the dagger with a smile. I bolted out of the room and quietly shut the door, making my way back into the bathroom.

 "Better," I said quietly, slipping onto the floor. I am so messed up right now it isn't even funny. I hissed in pain as I made the slow and long incision, but once it was done the sea of red comforted me. I have no clue what's going through my head right now. I have no boundaries as to what's extreme and what's normal. I heard knocking on the bedroom door and I slammed the bathroom door really quickly and locked it.

 "What?" I called, washing the blood off.

 "We need to talk," I heard father say.

 "Hold on," I said, and then found gauze to wrap up my arm. I pulled my sleeve down and hid the dagger. I slipped out of the bathroom and opened my door, letting father inside.

 "Leah," father said firmly.

 "I know this is a very tough time for you, but you need to snap out of it," he said sternly.

 "You need to eat and carry out with normal life functions," he said.

 "But I'm not even hungry. Besides, I am carrying out normal life functions," I disagreed.

 "You aren't hungry because you're depressed, and you are not yourself. Leah, I understand that he was the first person you ever cared about, but I don't think you loved him. You've never cared about anyone before, but when you did, you mistook it for love. You need to realize that," he said.

 "Father, what would you know about love?" I scowled.

 "Plenty; you need to see that he was only a phase," he said.

 "Who have you ever loved?" I snorted.

 "I love you," he pointed out.

 "There is such a difference between family love and relationship love," I rolled my eyes. Father sighed and closed his eyes for a second.

 "I understand that I'm not good with this kind of thing, but I need to address this. You need to move on.  Eventually, you'll find another boy," he said.

 "I don't want another boy," I moaned, falling face-first onto my bed.

 "Leah, sit up, please. I need you back so that we can break into the Ministry and rule the world. I'm not saying that you need to just get over this within two seconds, but I am saying you need to pull it together and put on a happy face," he said.

 "You don't understand; I've lost everything!" I cried into my pillow.

 "You haven't lost everything," he disagreed firmly.

 "Yes I have," I said shortly.

 "No," father said.

 "I hate this," I complained.

 "I think...you need some time away. I think you need to clear your head. It'd be best if you were just with some happier people this Christmas," he said but seemed unhappy. I peeked up at him and he frowned.

 "I think you should go spend some time with the Weasley's so you can feel hatred again and act more like yourself," he said.

 "I like that idea," I whispered.

 "Good, pack your things," he said, and then left the room. I sat there for a while and thought things through. I could go on walks outside to clear my head, I could remind myself how much I hate the Blood Traitors, and I could even take my mind off things for a little while. Father really does care about my well-being. I stood up and ran out of my room to meet up with father, and I saw him walk into the living room. I stood at the top of the stairs and saw a few death eaters, including Bella, sitting around.

 "Father," I called, but it was too quiet. I cleared my throat and tried again.

 "Dad," I said, which only caught Bella's attention.

 "Daddy," I finally said, sounding like a scared and innocent child. Everyone looked up at me in shock and I looked right at my dad.

 "Thank you," I said softly and he nodded, but I saw a small smile play around the edge of his lips. I ran back towards my room, but before I could get there I smacked into someone. They grabbed my wrist to steady me and I cried out in pain since the cut hasn't healed yet.

 "Oh my God, are you alright?" Draco gasped.

 "Oh, yeah, hah I just slept on my wrist wrong," I smiled. He looked shocked at my change in attitude, so I'm pretty sure he knew I was lying. To prove my point, he looked at me skeptically and then stepped back.

 "Can I talk to you?" he asked. I took a deep breath and frowned. I'm not sure if I'm ready for this.

 "Sure...come on," I sighed, walking to my room. He sat down and I got out a bag, throwing things in it.

 "Um...well...I know that you aren't exactly yourself," Draco said, watching me walk around the room.

 "Yeah," I said.             

 "I wanted to say that I need to think things through. You mean everything to me, and I'm pretty hurt...but I don't want to lose you forever. Could you just give me some time?" he asked.

 "Draco, you're the first person I've ever cared about. You were my first boyfriend, my first real kiss, and my first real ex, since the Blood Traitor doesn't count. So, yes this is very hard for me, especially since I know it's my entire fault. No, just listen. I'm still torn apart on the inside and I don't want to make this complicated. Of course you can think about this, it's only fair to you, but I don't want to be waiting forever. If I have to move on since you don't want to be with me, I want to be able to completely move on. I don't want to have to wait around for you to make your decision... I need a clean break and I can't wait months; it's killing me inside," I said and he took a deep breath.

 "I'm not talking months, Leah. I understand that you want to be able to let go if that's what I chose, but you have to understand that I also want to let go if I chose to, and I don't want to hang onto something that isn't going to happen. I'm not saying I want to let you go... but if it's easier and better for us...I think we should. Just give me some time," he said.

 "You know what, since this is a complicated decision, I'll give you until the end of the year. That way you can really think about things, but if you don't make a decision by then, I'm calling it off and moving on," I said, feeling tears burn my eyes.

 "Deal...but I'm not going to make things awkward. If you'd like we can be friends. You know, talk and everything so Blaise and Pansy aren't in the middle," he said. I gave a short laugh and nodded.

 "Yeah, I can do that," I said.

 "Cool. What are you doing?" he asked as I walked into the bathroom. I'm sure that Draco thinks everything is all dandy, but I'm doing what father asked; putting on a smile. On the inside, however, I want to curl up into the fetal position and cry...and cause myself pain to stop the sadness. Speaking of which, I grabbed the dagger and hid it in the bottom of my bag. I popped my head out into the bedroom and I covered the dagger and looked at Draco.

 "Father said I need to clear my head, so he's sending me to the blood traitors," I said.

 "Oh. By the way, Merry Christmas. I don't know if you want your present," he sighed.

 "Um...right, well I don't care," I shrugged, disappearing into the bathroom again to grab a hairbrush and my makeup. I heard footsteps and glanced back to see Draco fiddling with a small package. His eyes, however, were not on me or the package.

 "Why is there blood on your floor?" he asked, looking up at me. I cursed under my breath and tried looking embarrassed.

 "I got my period and didn't realize it. Hah, awkward," I said, not looking at him. He narrowed his eyes at me and I knew he was suspicious, but he didn't say anything.

 "I forgot to clean it up; I kinda fell asleep," I laughed. At least I can still lie without looking depressed.

 "I'm worried about you Leah," he said as I turned my back to get shampoo. I felt tears slide down my cheeks, but I quickly brushed them away.

 "Don't be," I said, grabbing my body wash.

 "You don't look so good," he said.

 "Because I'm skinny," I said, not as a question but as a statement.

 "You're also less... vibrant. Don't get me wrong, you're still pretty!" he said quickly when I glanced back at him.

 "I had a hard time at the hospital," I sighed.

 "Being locked up with crazy people can probably be a little upsetting but...you're just so...different," he frowned.  "Draco," I gaped, ignoring his comment.

 "What?" he asked in alarm.

 "I missed our first Quidditch game!" I complained.

 "You're ridiculous," he rolled his eyes.

 "So, here's your present," he sighed, handing it to me. I hesitated before taking it and lifting the lid on the box.

 "Oh, no Draco, I cannot accept this," I said with wide eyes.

 "Please Leah, just take it. It's a promise ring...a promise that I'll always love you no matter what happens between us," he said and I started crying. He slipped it on my finger and I turned around quickly, wiping away my tears.

 "Leah!" father said, walking in. He looked between Draco and me and then down to the promise ring...and then he saw the dried blood.

 "Why?" he asked and I sighed.

 "I got my period and-"

 "Okay, okay, I get it," father said.

 "What do you need?" I asked, shoving Tylenol in my bag, just in case. It's a good thing I did the expanding charm.

 "Do not kill any of them, please," he said.

 "Okay," I sighed.

 "I should go... bye Leah," Draco said and as he walked away, my normal front faded and I slouched against the wall.

 "He just doesn't see what he's doing to me," I said, thinking out loud.

 "I'm sorry, sweetheart. Anyway, if you do kill someone, you'll end up in Azkaban. Do not do it," he said firmly and I walked over to my closet, getting sweats, dresses....more sweats. I am not in the mood to dress up.

 "I'll try not to," I said dully.

 "Alright, I have everything. I'll see you later," I said, and he hugged me before I apparated over.

 "Hello?" I called as I landed in number 12 Grimmauld place. The next thing I knew, I was surrounded by people with wands pointed at me.

 "Guy's I'm really not in the mood," I said.

 "We need to make sure it's you," Lupin said.

 "Why is your wand so powerful?" Weasley asked, and I looked over to see him standing in the background.

 "The unicorn that my core came from...blessed it or something," I said, wrapping my arms around my middle.

 "It's her," Weasley nodded. They all made moves to hug me and I faintly hugged them back.

 "Hey," Weasley said warmly, hugging me.

 "Hi," I said quietly.

 "I wasn't expecting you," he admitted.

 "I needed to come clear my head," I nodded, blinking back tears. To be honest I just want to go sleep.

 "Oh, well I'm glad you came here. You look skinnier," he observed.

 "Yeah, so I've been told," I sighed.

 "Come on upstairs so Harry, Hermione, and I can fill you in on what you missed those three days. I don't know if Harry will be up to talking...some weird things have been happening...we aren't the happiest of folk right now," he said with a dismissive wave of his hand. I'm not exactly happy either. I followed him up the stairs and we walked into a room where he told me to wait. I took a deep shuddering breath and pulled myself halfway together as I heard footsteps.

 "Leah!" Granger cried happily, running in to hug me. I gently hugged her back and then she pulled away. Potter smiled brightly at me and hugged me as well, along with a kiss on my forehead. Oh, getting risky aren't we, Potter?

 "Hey guys," I said as brightly as I could.

 "We are so happy to see you!" Granger smiled.

 "Welcome back," Potter said warmly. Before I could respond, Granger gaped and clutched my hand.

 "What is that?" she asked, examining the beautiful diamond heart promise ring.

 "It's a promise ring," I said, swallowing the lump in my throat.

 "You and Draco are getting serious," she said, wide eyed.

 "Hm," I murmured.

 "Something's wrong," Potter said through narrowed eyes. I brought my hands up to my face to hide it, but instead I felt wetness; I hadn't realized I was crying.

 "No, I'm just so flustered. I hate having to behave," I tried joking.

 "Behave?" Granger frowned.

 "The Ministry is going to be watching me at Hogwarts constantly," I sighed.

 "Oh wow," she muttered.

 "Well, anyway, tell me the story of the promise ring," she smiled, taking my hands. I felt like I was going to throw up, but I swallowed the feeling.

 "Um...I woke up and went into the kitchen where we were all hanging out and then I went upstairs to change and then I started packing. As I was packing, Draco came in and he gave me the ring," I shrugged.

 "That wasn't very descriptive. Did he tell you he loved you...did you kiss... did he say anything romantic?" she pressed and I realized I was crying again. Damn it, I've gotta stop!

 "Okay, what's really wrong?" Potter asked firmly.

 "You guys have to tell me what's wrong first. Apparently this happy front is abnormal as of right now. You know what, never mind, I'll be right back," I said quickly, and I locked myself in the bathroom. I leaned against the wall and took deep breaths. Calm down, Leah, everything will be okay. You aren't even officially broken up, anyway! Oh yeah right, who am I kidding? He's going to dump me like yesterday's trash. I took shuddering breaths and started crying again, tasting the salty tears on my lips. Why did I think this would clear my head? I do not want to tell them about Draco, but they'll only keep asking about it. I filled the sink with water and splashed it on my face, looking into the mirror. I look more pale than usual, except for my flushed cheeks which were a result of crying. I licked my lips and took one more deep breath before walking back out and slipping downstairs.

 "Leah," Molly smiled warmly, hugging me.

 "I heard about what happened, sweetheart," she said sadly.

 "Yeah, I mean, insane? Not me," I smiled slightly.

 "You're so skinny, dear! Sit down and eat," she urged and I shook my head.

 "No thanks, I'm not hungry. I just ate breakfast," I half lied. 

 "Oh, well you can eat later then," she smiled.

 "Sure," I smiled.

 "Can I get you anything?" she asked.

 "Actually, I wanted to go for a walk really quickly," I said.

 "Oh...well I don't think... alright, as long as Sirius goes with you," she said as he walked in.

 "What?" I frowned.

 "I'll walk with you...in dog form of course," he smiled and I shifted slightly with a sigh.

 "Alright," I agreed half-heartedly. Sirius transformed into a dog and we started walking down the street. I was fucking freezing; I was in shorts after all. So much for being hot this morning...at least I'm wearing a sweater. I wrapped my arms around my middle and completely forgot Sirius was with me. I felt warm tears sliding down my cold cheeks and I looked up into the sky as it started snowing.

 "What have I done?" I asked myself. I heard an owl hooting somewhere in the distance, and I heard children shrieking with joy, but me? I was crying. Great, this Christmas is just splendid.

 "Miss, are you okay?" asked a little girl, about five years old.

 "Oh, yes," I said faintly.

 "Why are you crying?" she asked.

 "I didn't get anything for Christmas," I said, smiling softly. The girl looked at me in horror and then hugged me.

 "I'm sorry," she said. I hugged her back hesitantly and then she smiled up at me.

 "My name is Marcie, what's yours?" she asked.

 "Leah," I said and she smiled.

 "I like you, you're pretty," she complimented.

 "Thanks," I smiled softly.

 "I want you to have this," she said, pulling something off her wrist. It was one of those homemade beaded bracelets that little muggle children like to make, and I felt a small, but real, smile form on my lips.

 "Thank you, Marcie," I said, slipping it on my own wrist.

 "Now you've gotten something for Christmas," she said. I laughed and knelt down.

 "I appreciate it," I said, hugging her.

 "You have pretty rings," she observed.

 "You like them?" I asked with a slight smile.

 "Yes," she nodded.

 "One day you'll get one too, from someone very special," I said and she smiled.

 "Good, I want to be loved just as much as someone probably loves you," she said and I managed a small smile.

 "I hope you will be," I nodded.

 "Can I pet your dog?" she asked and I realized Sirius was sitting next to me.

 "Oh...sure," I gave a short laugh.

 "What's his name?" she asked.

 "Padfoot," I said.

 "Hello, Padfoot! Who's a good dog?" she giggled, and Sirius licked her face.

 "Marcie!" a woman called, walking out of her house.

 "Yeah?" she asked, standing up.

 "Time to come in," she said and Marcie started walking away.

 "Bye, Leah," she called and I waved. Her mother looked me up and down with disapproval before shutting the door and drawing the curtains.

 "Aren't you oh so loveable?" I asked Sirius and he barked happily. I started walking again and took a trail through the woods. I loved how the snow fell peacefully and with a pang I realized it reminded me of that memory I saw of Pansy and Draco during their third year. I heard the snap of the twig before I saw someone, but I didn't react in time. I was pulled behind a tree and slammed into it. Sirius started barking and growling at the person and I looked up angrily.

 "Thane," I gasped.

 "Leah," he smirked.

 "What are you doing?" I asked in alarm, looking around. Sirius stopped barking but his teeth were bared.

 "I was released, and I was trying to find you," he rolled his eyes. I looked down as his hands on my biceps and then glared at him.

 "Get off," I said and he smiled, stepping back. Thane suddenly looked at Sirius and then at me.

 "That isn't a dog," he said sharply, pulling me back.

 "What?" I asked.

 "I can't see animals doorways; I can see his...Leah, that's Sirius Black!" he said and I scoffed.

 "I know," I rolled my eyes.

 "I'm serious," he said firmly and Sirius turned human again.

 "So am I," he smiled cheekily and I glared at him.

 "Get back," Thane glared, taking out his wand.

 "Thane, knock it off, he won't hurt you," I smacked him upside the head.

 "I see... he's innocent...well isn't your brother a swell guy," Thane rolled his eyes.

 "I'm closing your doorway," he wrinkled his nose.

 "Thane can talk to the dead," I explained and Sirius nodded.

 "I've heard of that," he said calmly.

"Will you become a dog, please?" I hissed. Sirius waved me off impatiently.

 "Well...how's Draco?" Thane asked gently and I clenched my jaw.

 "It's my fault," he groaned, leaning against the tree in front of me.

 "No, it's mine," I whispered, feeling my heart tear open again.

 "Oh Jesus, don't cry. Come on, little Phoenix," Thane said gently, hugging me tightly.

 "Little Phoenix?" I asked through my tears.

 "Yeah, Power of the Phoenix," I could almost hear his smirk.

 "So what happened when you got home?" he asked, and I launched into my story...completely forgetting Sirius was there. By the time I was done, I was bawling my eyes out and Thane was looking gingerly at my wrist.

 "You have to stop, Leah," he said, looking caring and concerned.

 "You can't do this to yourself," Sirius said, scaring the crap out of me.

 "You cannot tell anyone!" I snapped.

 "People will wonder what's wrong, Leah. We're very observant in the House of Black," Sirius said firmly.

 "I don't care, it isn't anyone's business," I said.

 "Yet he still gave you a promise ring," Thane mused, ignoring our conversation.

 "Yes," I frowned.

 "Well that's peculiar. Usually, guys won't give girls a promise ring right after they break up," Thane joked.

 "I know," I said miserably.

 "You can't keep starving yourself, either," he glared.

 "I'm honestly not starving myself, I'm just not hungry! When I do actually eat, it makes me sick," I said.

 "You're heartbroken," Thane sighed, leaning his head back on the tree.

 "Where are you living?" Sirius asked him and I raised one eyebrow.

 "Uh," Thane said, biting his lip.

 "You can stay with us," Sirius said and Thane smiled slightly.

 "Thank you," he said. I wonder if Thane will be a Slytherin...how will Draco react to Thane going to Hogwarts? Oh bloody hell.

 "Let's get back," I sighed, and we made our way back to Grimmauld place after Sirius was a dog again.

 "I'm back!" I called, walking inside, and I saw Thane's eyes widen and then he spaced out. I waved my hand in front of his face and snapped my fingers, yet nothing happened.

 "Thane," I said, and Sirius frowned.

 "I think he's talking to the dead," he said. I studied Thane's face and saw that his lips were moving silently and swiftly. I frowned and pulled Thane over to a couch, which was slightly difficult since he refused to move. I forced him to sit down and then I stared at him as his eyes swam with ghostly faces before they blinked. Thane gasped and blinked rapidly, his eyes refocusing on me.

 "So many people," he murmured.

 "What happened?" I asked.

 "They were all telling me the same message...but I didn't open a doorway. They were saying how you were in trouble. How many people live here?" he asked, looking around.

 "A lot," I grimaced, pulling him down the hallway to the kitchen.

 "Hungry yet?" Molly asked with a smile until she saw Thane.

 "Who is this?" she asked with wide eyes.

 "This is Thane," I said and he inclined his head.

 "Hello," he said politely. Oh sure, he can be polite to adults, but not me?

 "Leah...darling... you cannot bring people in here at your own leisure." She said stiffly.

 "I invited him, Molly. He had no place to stay," Sirius said and she smiled.

 "Oh, my apologies, dearie. Welcome to our home, I'm Molly Weasley," she said, hugging him.

 "Hello Misses Weasley. I hope I'm not intruding; I'm one of Leah's friends," he said and I nodded.

 "Yes, I'm sorry it was such short notice," I frowned.

 "No problem, now run along," she smiled and I brought him upstairs.

 "Hey guys," I sighed, sitting back down on the bed.

 "Leah, where did you go?" Granger asked, sitting across from me, and then her eyes moved to Thane.

"Um," she said and Potter narrowed his eyes.

 "Who are you?" he asked and Thane smirked.

 "Thane...but I know who you are. I can tell just because of your parents," he smirked and Potter's expression became irritated.

  "Do not speak about my parents!" he snapped.

  "You don't know them," he hissed, and I pushed Potter back.

 "I'm willing to bet he knows them better than you! Sit down and shut up," I snapped, my hair flashing red and the tips catching fire. Potter gaped at me and sat down.

 "This is Thane, and he is a good friend of mine, which is why I know you will all treat him like you would me," I sent a glare around the room.

 "Thane can see and talk to the dead," I said and they all gasped.

 "That's very rare!" Granger blurted.

 "So is my Little Phoenix, but it doesn't mean it can't happen," Thane shrugged.

 "Little Phoenix?" Granger asked.

 "Yes, that's what I call Leah. She has the Power of the Phoenix," Thane said.

 "The Power of the Phoenix?" Granger gasped and I rolled my eyes.

 "Yes," I nodded.

 "Wait...what is going on?" Weasley asked.

 "The Power of the Phoenix is a very rare power that almost ninety nine percent of all wizards do not have.  The one percent that do have it though, are almost unbeatable," Granger started to explain, but Thane interrupted.

 "Um, I beat her," he smirked and everyone gasped.

 "Stop gasping!" I said exasperatedly.

 "You beat her?" Potter asked and Thane smiled.

 "Yes I did...it wasn't much of a win though; she was upset. Therefore, my Little Phoenix was quite easy to beat," he said, leaning back.

 "Oh, you're just so hilarious," I rolled my eyes.

 "I was fighting for a worthy cause," he smirked.

 "The goal of which was to annoy me, correct?" I scowled.

 "Exactly," he said smugly.

 "Anyway...the Power of the Phoenix is a very powerful advantage once it is released, and it is also very dangerous. See her eyes? That's because her powers were released...she's just got to figure out how to control them," Granger said, cutting off our banter.

 "Once you can control it, you're unstoppable," Granger said in awe.

 "That's cool," I muttered.

"Yes, very," Thane smirked. I sighed and laid down on the bed, thinking things over. My poor little Slytherin's will have to put up with this now. Leon probably thinks it's funny... Blaise hasn't talked to me much about the whole situation. Amortentia always sort of understood ...Amortentia... oh my god!

 "Sirius!" I called, shooting up off the bed. The four of them looked at me in alarm, but I just ran down the stairs.

 "What's wrong?" Tonks asked as I ran past her but I just ran to the kitchen.

 "Sirius I have to talk to you," I said, watching him as he looked up from the Prophet.

 "What is it?" he asked.

 "I know Amortentia is your daughter," I said.

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