I made my decision one morning, when the sunlight was slightly subdued and it left only a bronze imprint on the still neutral plain. I only decided that I had to go, that I wanted to do so badly, like so many others before me. It was just this time I was convinced of it and my whole being was subject to this new resolution.Two months earlier, I set foot on this chipped earth, with short but verdant grass. Two months earlier, I got out of my vehicle, legs shaky, resisting the urge to grab Tobias' hand, whose embrace would provide me with delicious comfort.I would have to say, I was not supposed to be there. Women were not accepted on the battlefield, apart from a few well-known nurses. However, for some time the military had realized that doing so many ways to select a particular nurse would be detrimental to them. The front was short of doctors.However, I had not taken any training to be a nurse and, more directly, I did not know anything about medicine. So, I had no chance of being called to the front, or to any battlefield and at the time, I was very satisfied with it.But I met Tobias, with whom I fell head over heels in love. He was, like many of our neighbors, drafted to participate in the war. He might have been able to refuse, although it would have been relatively complicated, but his honor had not allowed him. So, for two months, clinging to the fate of my husband, I left the name of Nell with my mother, to take that of Hugo. I had clung to the idea that if I went with Tobias he would probably live longer and knowing that I could help him reassured me, although I didn't always know how I would go about it.He hadn't totally approved of my going with him, but I did, despite himself. I remained convinced, and I still am today, that if I was incapable of knowing what was happening to him, if I was forced to wait patiently for one of his letters to reach me, fearing each the minute this or that was the last, I would be worried about it before he even had a chance to do it out of bravery.That morning, then, I headed for his tent. I crossed the plain still damp with the morning dew, glancing here and there, to make sure I wasn't attracting any attention. A wind laden with floral scents swept across the field, making the rigid canvases of our tents quiver. Finally, I came to his, which was a stone's throw from the edge of a thick forest. In other circumstances, this place would have made a pleasant place to live.I opened the closing of the entrance to the tent with a gesture. Before giving Tobias any glance, I did my best, despite myself, to inspect my surroundings, but also the interior of his home, to make sure he was the only occupant. He was sitting on his mattress, which over time had turned browner than it could have been white. My impromptu visit did not cause him the slightest thrill or treacherous movement of surprise. A line crossed his forehead, a sign of a mixture of nervousness and severity that had become habitual with him. A cigarette was stuck between his lips but, as soon as his gaze met mine, he took it out of his mouth and crushed it between his fingers. This gesture gave me an unpleasant shiver. I imagined the burn, albeit thin, he must have felt. He sensed my feelings and, with an amused smile, reached out to me.Delighted, I grabbed his hand and he guided me to his chest. I snuggled up against him and he rested his head on my shoulder. It was in those moments that I liked to dream of our future, when the war was over. I dreamed of living a little further from my native village, in a small chalet, by a river. I imagined our children, with round faces and plump cheeks, eyes as sparkling as mine and as deep as their father's. And then, I watched the dreamy unfolding that our days would take, I would refrain from all obligations but I would also endeavor to inculcate values ​​and culture in our children. But before all that, I would give myself a time alone with Tobias, maybe even a year, of dreams and calm. I didn't dream of traveling; our wealth would not allow it. I only wanted simplicity, a simplicity with a tender taste of freedom. But at that precise moment, I wasn't thinking about all of this.I felt my heart leap in my chest. I knew if anyone saw us here it could go wrong. Reluctantly, I slowly lifted myself away from him and stared straight in the eye.

He had brown eyes, like me, but a little darker. They were dotted with small golden spots, which made her gaze even more attractive. I pressed my frozen lips to his, warm and full. We stayed like that for a while, then I withdrew.-Tobias, we have to go.My voice, rusty and mushy, did not sound the way I would have liked. I had opted for a delicate and convincing voice. Now he raised a disapproving eyebrow.-Do you know what happens to deserters?Her voice was hoarse and dry, yet her gaze remained calm and benevolent. I felt a hatred come alive in the pit of my stomach.How could he remind me of that? Everyone knew it, more than anything else. Death, humiliation and dishonor, these were the words that summed up the sensation that a shooting in public could have. I looked away. I was not afraid of dying. At least, not more than I was afraid to kill. Anguish woke me up late at night; would I be able to kill for my homeland? Or would I feel all the immensity of the consequence of my act, on the life of those around this person? If I had to, I was sure I could kill. But I didn't want to come to that. I had the feeling that after that, I would disgust myself. I didn't want to live it.But I also suspected that it was not the idea of ​​dying that tormented Tobias. It was the idea of ​​leaving, of abandoning one's country. He would feel like a traitor, even more than you could lead him to believe. I knew he would be afraid of losing the war without participating, in an excruciatingly powerless way. And, in spite of himself, I knew the bitterness would devour him if the war was won without his helping to do so. He wanted to prove himself, stand up for what he believed was right. His belief was that he could help. His belief was that he was fighting for a just cause. Mine was that killing, for whatever reason, was an unforgivable act. Sometimes I was angry with myself for being so firm, but I wanted to survive. And most of all, I wanted to see Tobias thrive by my side.-Tobias. I have seen people die, I have seen families cry in despair. I don't know how I would feel if you die, I don't know where I could go. I'd rather die than go through this. I'd rather die than inflict this pain on anyone. And I don't care if this is all cowardly, treacherous, or selfish. Sure it's horrible to hear but ... it's true. I mean everything I said. I have the feeling that killing is the worst thing you can do.My sobs made my voice tremble and gripped my throat. I hadn't taken my eyes off him and had seen a succession of emotions run through his usually neutral face. Finally, he answered in a frustrated and clumsy voice;-When do we leave ?Despite the repulsion his acceptance seemed to cause him, I couldn't help but smile. I had convinced him. However, I knew deep down that I would have to convince him several times over the next few days that he had made the right choice. At the moment, however, I didn't even think about it.We chatted very shortly before deciding to leave in the afternoon. It was a decision that seemed entirely logical and reasonable to us. Tobias was leaving for the front in two days, leaving the old woman seemed too predictable. Then some preparations were needed. Scheduling the departure for this very morning would have been too imprudent.As soon as this matter was settled, I had to warn Tobias that we weren't going to go quite alone. I firmly intended to desert in the company of Océane, another girl from the camp. Océane had studied medicine and she had managed to enlist as a nurse, when her husband had been, like Tobias, summoned to the front. Eight months ago, then, they had arrived right here. Her husband had been in several fights, but after six months as a soldier he was killed. His death had taken place a few days before his return to the front. Océane had been ravaged by this odious misfortune and had wanted to withdraw from the army. Unfortunately, because of the consequent shortage of nurses, this favor had been refused to him.Following this new injustice, Océane had withdrawn. Nourishing a fleeting hatred towards the army, she had sworn to leave as soon as possible. Despite this, she had always made a point of being efficient in her work, because the soldiers were not responsible for what had happened to her and it would be a waste to take revenge in this way.When we arrived at the camp, Océane was the nurse responsible for writing the health records. Obviously, she had wasted no time in discovering my true feminine nature. Fortunately, she understood very quickly the reason for my behavior. Since then, I have regularly tried to have her and the secret she had sworn to keep brought us closer together quickly.Océane was a small woman, with dry skin stretched over her bones. She had long brown hair, often gathered in a large braid that went down to her middle back. She had brown eyes, often angry, which contrasted greatly with the delicacy of her features. Sadness had marked her face, small wrinkles formed at the corners of her eyes and her cheekbones seemed constantly reddened. Her thoroughness and efficiency made her highly respected in the camp.After convincing Tobias of his necessity, I went to find Oceane, who turned out to be easier to convince. By I do not know what means, she managed to gain the confidence of the officers and, thanks to her, we were able to obtain not only food, but also horses.The rest of the afternoon was a real ordeal. The day was hot, the air moist. A humid wind blew steadily over the full, drawing sighs of many. As for me, each gust gave me an eerie shiver that went up my spine. It seemed to me that every move I could make would betray me and I felt like my body was made of lead. The eyes of my superiors weighed heavily on me, each of their smiles seemed false, deceptive.I could feel the sweat streaming down my neck and beading down my arms. I dreamed of finally taking action.And as I bit the rest of my fingernails, Oceane came running up to me. Her eyes were twinkling and her lips were a drunken smile.-We have to go. She whispered to me.I felt like a rush of adrenaline rush through my body.-Tobias is waiting for us.We left the camp cautiously, claiming to have to wash our sheets. Usually, nurses also took on the role of linen maids. However, due to their lack of time, our superiors ordered that the men also participate in the laundry. Satisfied that our behavior did not arouse too much interest, we plunged into the forest, trying to hide our haste.Tobias was waiting for us there, a smile similar to Oceane's frozen on his lips. I mounted my horse, slightly smaller and more docile than the other two. I did not feel very proud on my mount, next to the muscular horses which carried my two comrades. But Oceane like Tobias were two very skillful people with horses and, somewhat ashamed that I wasn't, I almost felt too much. I quickly swallowed the impression and tried to relax my already clenched hands on the animal's leather reins. My muscles tensed however as the horse began to gallop and I felt Tobias' mocking gaze fall on me. However, although it was not quite for the same reason, I felt that my companions were also anxious. Each little noise deemed abnormal made us suddenly jump and we blushed almost in unison when our animals snorted, incomprehensible to our nervousness.Night was beginning to fall, the sky darkening visibly, when we saw, in the distance, a steeple piercing the thin film of cottony clouds.As we made our way towards the village and therefore moved away from the camp, I felt my breathing regularize. The looks we threw at each other were no longer worried, but became excited, happy, because, inside, we knew we had succeeded.

In silence, we decided to stop our horses. We took a big gulp of water in unison, and we looked at each other, euphoric.For nearly half an hour, we continued, happy and relieved of the enormous weight that the army represented. The sky was pitch black now, when a rustle made me turn around. The worry had completely left my body and yet I felt my stomach leap in my stomach; a shadow followed us. I was already turning to warn the others that a low hiss crossed the air, breaking the comfortable silence we had been in until now.This whistle was recognizable among a thousand and fear immediately fell on my shoulders. I saw Tobias and Oceane turn their heads simultaneously while I, quite instinctively, flattened my head in my horse's mane. The latter shook himself and gave a frightful bristling. I went to tell him to calm down and I already looked up when a second hiss vibrated in the air. And, at that moment, I had the impression that an iron finger was sinking into my flesh.A cry of pain passed my lips and I rocked off my horse. The iron finger, which was none other than a bullet, had stopped its course just in front of my bone, it seemed to me. I felt his presence like a ball of fire and I felt my skin boil under a stream of hot blood. My sight blurred and I saw my horse gallop off, startled by my cries and the continuing whistles, tireless.As my eyes burned and nausea gripped my stomach, I saw a misshapen shadow approaching me. I fidgeted, fearing that a new threat would emerge that would finish me off for good. But, the shape cleared up and I felt my heart calm down when I recognized the familiar features of Tobias. He fell to his knees beside me. I saw his worried but reassuring gaze examining me at the same time. Slowly he pulled me back to him, offering me his warmth and protection.Bullets were flying around me, I could still hear their crackle near my ears. Tobias had gently brought me back to the shelter and I was leaning against a hard, rough surface, which I suspected was a tree. He was looking terribly seriously at my wound. I saw thick, black blood seeping from my calf and sliding down my leg. The feeling of nausea still seemed to lurk in me, ready to reappear at the worst moment, so I looked away. Finally, as if he had just given his verdict, he tore off a piece of his shirt to wrap it around my wound. Then he gently ran his hands under my back and pelvis.I let myself be overcome by fatigue and the feeling of protection as I saw the horses approaching us. I placed my trust in Tobias, who carefully led me to them. I resisted so as not to fall asleep completely, suspecting that he would surely ask me at one point or another.Everything suddenly accelerated. I unconsciously smiled at Tobias, forgetting the bullets, the enemies, my leg. But suddenly, tormenting our loving serenity, Tobias' face twisted into a grin of horror.My eyes widened despite the fatigue and pain. Everything was very clear around me then. I saw him fall sharply on his knees, to take the time to land properly on the floor. I barely had time to see the blood now flowing from his own leg when another bullet fired. He made a horrible whine and as he collapsed to the floor I very clearly saw a small black dot on his shirt.My hands instinctively plunged into the small of her back. I didn't even have time to express my pain as I felt the cold contact of his pistol against my fingers. I grabbed him brutally and, with a shaking hand, lodged a bullet in the head of his attacker. I put a hand against my mouth. Nausea returned like a gigantic wave ready to besiege me. I had just killed. Tears rolled down my cheeks. Fell against Tobias's shirt. Tobias. I forgot the body that had just collapsed, dead stiff, against the ground. My mind immediately refocused on him, on Tobias.

My eyes plunged into his, which he courageously kept half open. He ran a sticky hand against my cheek, as my tears streamed down his fingers now. I grabbed his wrist, squeezed it tight in spite of myself.-Tobias ... I'm so sorry ...My voice had lost its clarity, it should have been a long hoarse gasp that I did not accept. In response, he straightened up on his scraped elbows. I couldn't understand where he got that strength from and was about to ask him to lie down when he spoke, his pale forehead glistening with sweat;-I die as a hero, as I wanted. I die with the person who matters most to me and I die innocent.An ironic smile pulled her lips;-How to die better?And he collapsed to the ground, me with it, knocking our mouths together that were now both icy.He was dead. My tears crashed against the damp ground. A hand pulled me away from him, unmoved by my moans and cries of pain. I didn't want to continue without him, I wanted to continue for him. Océane's face suddenly appeared in my field of vision and I saw her red eyes, her swollen eyelids. I felt my heart sink and I thought that she, too, mattered. She hugged me serenely against her, in the din.-We have to go. For him. Please.She grabbed my hand and dragged me, doing her best to support my ramshackle leg. A trail of blood followed us. Finally, she put me on the horse, and I had the impression that a knife was being turned in the lower part of my leg. I screamed, still climbing. I gripped the horse nervously, as if to protect myself. Once settled on the animal, Océane mechanically waved the reindeer and we set off.Pain seemed to grip my whole body. I felt that the air I was inhaling was hot smoke, which easily ignited my bruised lungs. There were fewer bullets. I hoped they would run out of bullets soon. I allowed myself a glance at Tobias' limp body, making an excuse to inquire about the state of my enemies. I thought I was a fool, but I also felt compelled to give him that look. I thought my heart was going to explode, but I looked at him. Then I forced my eyes to straighten and saw that our enemies were down to two.My first murder came to mind. I swallowed hard, as if to chase away the taste of bile that had infiltrated my mouth.Drops of sweat were beading on Oceane's forehead and I suspected that it was up to me to put them out of harm's way, since she was guiding the horse through the bumpy path. I had lost Tobias' pistol, but there was still Oceane's, stuck in his pants. Without asking myself the slightest question, I take it. I leaned against his back, to avoid moving. I knew that my weight must be uncomfortable to carry in these conditions, but shooting under these conditions seemed impossible to me. I heard him speak, but I didn't listen to him. I tensed each of my muscles, closed one eye, and shot the first in the leg, determined not to kill any. The bullet grazed him, I saw him by his rushing movement to the right. I bit my lip: I had pulled too hastily.I pulled back against Oceane again, ignoring my pain and closed one eye again. This time I heard his voice and I tried to listen to him;-Open .... eyes .... Open .... two ... open ... two ... eyesDespite the doubt that dominated my mind, I followed his advice. Eyes wide open, I took aim.I pulled. The bullet hit the second man's arm instead of his leg, but he slumped his head to the ground. Without taking the time to observe it, I aimed at the first one, which was also aimed at me. He was aiming at me, at the level of the head. If I protected myself by lowering my head, he would kill Océane. If I stayed like this, I would die. Unless ... Unless I hit him in the head. Unless I killed him. I was sure that firing elsewhere, in a harmless manner, would only speed up his movement. I had to kill him. A shiver ran through my spine. He was so powerful that he stirred my whole body. The sweat was sliding down my body with such intensity that I was cold. He had to. It had to be, otherwise Océane or I would die. Killing was unforgivable. Dying was better. It was what I thought. Probably because I was not living it yet. Tears clouded my view. I chased them away. It would be the last time I would kill and I was doing it for a living, so that Tobias saved me for something. I took a second to breathe in, another to breathe out. Inspiration. Expiry. I pulled. Then everything went black.

The first thing I saw was the happy face of Oceana watching me. I jumped and she laughed. I don't think I heard her laugh before. It was a soft, soothing laugh. It filled the space pleasantly and it made me feel good. But I didn't know where I was. I raised my head and all around me stretched a magnificent meadow, with lush green grass. Verdant ... To my left, dominant, stood the church that we had seen earlier. I felt good. It was a fact so sudden, so certain, that the feeling of happiness came over me all the more as soon as I accepted it. I was safe, the weather was fine, and life was spreading safer than ever before me. So I calmed down and let the weight of my body sink into the grass.Then I realized I couldn't sleep. I saw Tobias' pale face again and wanted to believe it was a nightmare. Was he going to start again when I went to sleep? Maybe I had made a mistake ... I was gone for him and he was dead. I had left to stop killing and yet I had just committed my first murders. Shame fell on me along with heavy remorse. I was cowardly, unworthy and traitor. Nausea arose again and I straightened up to vomit. The disgust that my own self inspired me made me feel sick, and a bitter anguish seeped through my veins.And then I cried. I cried above my knees, big tears that seemed to explode on the ground, bursting out like bullets and especially the one that had killed Tobias.I felt Oceane's warm hands around my shoulders and she pulled me back to her. She hugged me to her chest and I heard her heart pound, like when I was snuggling up to Tobias. The nostalgia for the memory should have finished ravaging my conscience, but instead I felt soothed.Océane. My only friend. I realized that I wanted to be reunited with my family. I realized that without Tobias, I could do it more easily. I realized the hint of joy he had managed to awaken in me. I realized that I loved him and I loved him forever.It was here that I realized that I could never forget anything about this war, although it was rather indulgent with me. I understood here the value of my relatives. I understood that my entourage was beautiful and benevolent and that I only realized it today, at this precise moment when I had the impression of being so alone. I understood how lucky I was and that although the memory of Tobias' death would never fade from me, it would help me to be a better person. This memory, this presence become invisible, would burn me, gnaw at me and sometimes wake me up in tumultuous nights. But, above all, it would help me to see what I like, to discern what I have and it would thus forever permeate my way of being and of acting.